# Best Homer Simpson Lines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 11, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884 "2003-10-11T19:22:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Dread\_Pirate\_Danno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@Dread\_Pirate\_Danno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dread_Pirate_Danno)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/201 "2003-12-28T00:27:50Z")
Hoorah! Nobody has posted my favorite yet: “Can I have some money now?” From this famous exchange: Homer: Welcome to the Internet my friend how can I help you? Comic Book Guy: I’m interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that’s compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration? Homer(pause): Can I have some money now? ---
**Author:** ![eli\_the\_fanatic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ccd318/32.png) [@eli\_the\_fanatic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eli_the_fanatic)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/202 "2003-12-28T03:34:17Z")
Facts? Pfft. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true. ---
**Author:** ![HomerIU](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HomerIU](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HomerIU)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/203 "2003-12-28T03:48:23Z")
“Marge, the doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster has been laughing at me!” ``` "Mmmm.....pointy" (After swallowing plastic wedding couple from cake).....which brings up another (thinking in his mind) "Continue to look surprised and move slowly towards the cake." ``` ---
**Author:** ![Lando\_Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f17d59/32.png) [@Lando\_Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lando_Griffin)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/204 "2003-12-28T07:43:03Z")
Mmmm. Unguarded breakfast. The sweetest taboo. ---
**Author:** ![Cugel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cugel/32/1199_2.png) [@Cugel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cugel)\ **Post date:** [December 28, 2003, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/205 "2003-12-28T11:34:34Z")
Homer: “You want to know how my day was. Well, I could tell you that it was fine, but the truth is, I’m miserable and I hate my job and I hate my boss and I hate my life and this baby is ruining my life!” Marge: “Homey, my contractions started an hour ago.” Homer: “It’s just in one ear and out the other with you, Marge, isn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![sadnil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9e5f3/32.png) [@sadnil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sadnil)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/206 "2003-12-31T19:30:04Z")
I’m a little surprised I haven’t seen my favorite exchange up here, yet. On Bart’s birthday Bart asks, “Hey Homer, where’s your present?” Homer says, “Doh! I mean, Dohn’t worry, Bart. I forgot to get you a present. But I’ll go right now to get you one” Homer goes to the ancient Chinese artifacts store of strange and terrible things. Homer asks for the talking Krusty doll. Chinese guy, “The doll carries a terrible curse.” Homer, “That’s bad.” Chinese guy, “But, it comes with a free frozen yogurt, which, I call Frogurt!” Homer, “That’s good!” Chinese guy, “The Frogurt is, also, cursed.” Homer, “That’s bad.” Chinese guy, “But, you get your choice of toppings.” Homer, “That’s good!” Chinese guy,“The toppings contain potassiumbenzoite.” Homer stairs dumbfounded. Chinese guy,“That’s bad.” Homer, “Can I go now?” ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/207 "2003-12-31T20:19:59Z")
Mmmm… Venus de Milo… (As Homer and family descend into Hell): I smell barbeque! Aarrrgh! Oh, they’re out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it! Aarrgh! German potato salad! So, Lisa, which instrument would you like to play? Clarimanet? Saxamaphone? Tumaba? ---
**Author:** ![Standup\_Karmic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Standup\_Karmic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Standup_Karmic)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/208 "2003-12-31T21:08:09Z")
Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like a… a refrigerator! They’re about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and… um… [sees a can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They look good, they smell good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! [chugs can of Duff] But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! [grabs another from the fridge] [cut to a bit later, there’s several empty cans of Duff on the table and Homer’s wrecked] So I says, if you want the money, you’re going to have to come find it, 'cause I don’t know where it is, ya baloney. You make me wanna retch! [passes out] ---
**Author:** ![vl\_mungo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc8723/32.png) [@vl\_mungo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vl_mungo)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/209 "2003-12-31T23:14:27Z")
Grandma Simpson & Lisa are singing “How many roads must a man walk down?” together. Homer overhears and says, “Eight!”. Lisa: “That was a rhetorical question!” Homer: “Oh. Then, Seven!” Lisa: “Do you even know what ‘rhetorical’ means?” Homer: “Do _I_ know what ‘rhetorical’ means?” and As a safety measure, Homer draws cute little bunnies on electrical outlets to scare off Maggie. Marge: “She’s not afraid of bunnies.” Homer: "Oh, she will be. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/210 "2003-12-31T23:56:48Z")
Can someone help me with a line from Homer, it is a takeoff on the “Could God make a rock so heavy he couldn’t lift it?” that he asks Flanders. I think it has something to do with a donut. ---
**Author:** ![BuckleberryFerry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5f9b8f/32.png) [@BuckleberryFerry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BuckleberryFerry)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2003, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/211 "2003-12-31T23:58:58Z")
“Could God microwave a burrito so hot that even He himself could not eat it?” ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/212 "2004-01-01T00:25:31Z")
Bless you, Buckleberry. ---
**Author:** ![xayoz306](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xayoz306](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xayoz306)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 11:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/213 "2004-01-01T11:41:32Z")
“If something is to hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we’ll go inside and watch TV.” “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.” “Well, it’s like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I’m saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.” “Oh, Marge, cartoons don’t have any deep meaning. They’re just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh.” ---
**Author:** ![Burrido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Burrido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burrido)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2004, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/214 "2004-01-01T16:13:22Z")
“Now I have four children. I will call you… Stitchface.” “No one ruins my vacation except me and maybe the boy!” Bart: Vote for my dad. If you don’t, he’ll beat us. Homer: Bart! ehehe, I’m not gonna beat you. _Lowers voice_ Boy, when we get home you’re gonna get such a beating. Kent: What about the reports that your men are actually causing more crime than they are preventing? Homer: Oh Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t commiting crimes. _Silence_ Kent: Well… Touche’. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884.md?page=10)