# Best Homer Simpson Lines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 11, 2003, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884 "2003-10-11T19:22:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/101 "2003-10-14T02:45:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpusThePenguin \* > \*\* > (Homer talking to Bart about his fist fight with Tom) Did you see when I was sobbing like a little girl and he turned around in disgust and then I kicked him in the back? \*\* No, Bart asked Homer how he did that-Homer said he was a hemophiliac, then when Tom stopped, Homer kicked him in the back. > [@](#): > > Marge: No, I will _not_ pay you $500 for sex! > Homer: Aw, come on, Marge! You’re getting something in return, and I’m > getting a bowling team. It’s win-win! > Marge: It’s sick! And I don’t have that kind of money to spend on sex. > Maybe you could get someone with money to sponsor your team. > Homer: [scoffs] Burns never gives money to anybody. Just last week I > asked him for $1,500. > Marge: For what? > Homer: Oh, I gotta get the third degree from you too? > [@](#): > > Bart: [whining] Mom, my slingshot doesn’t fit in these pockets. > And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These > uniforms suck! > Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that? > Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. > They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but > they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. > Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth! > Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs > up] ---
**Author:** ![NFlanders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a9adbd/32.png) [@NFlanders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NFlanders)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/102 "2003-10-14T03:26:49Z")
Bart is reading his Junior Camper’s Guide to Knife Safety “Don’t Do What Donny Don’t Does” when Homer walks in: Homer: “Well, if it isn’t the captain of the weiner patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.” Marge: “Homer!” Homer: “Sorry, Marge… Egghead loves his bookie-wook!” also: Homer: “You signed my name? I feel so violated!” Marge: “You’ve signed my name lots of times!” Homer: “But this isn’t like a loan application or a will. You signed away my dignity!” ---
**Author:** ![Odinoneeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/97f17d/32.png) [@Odinoneeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odinoneeye)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/103 "2003-10-14T05:30:31Z")
In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. and the advice every father needs to give his son… When things get to hard, of course you quit, now let’s go inside and watch TV. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/104 "2003-10-14T07:02:22Z")
It’s gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean _this_ mess up! ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/105 "2003-10-14T08:06:45Z")
“Well, of course, _everything_ looks bad if you remember it.” - I live my life by this one. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/106 "2003-10-14T08:14:38Z")
You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up You put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away FLANDERS: HO-MER! And then you throw the can away F: I said HO-MER! You throw the can away ---
**Author:** ![YoudNeverGuess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a587f6/32.png) [@YoudNeverGuess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YoudNeverGuess)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 8:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/107 "2003-10-14T08:52:44Z")
A lot of my favourites have been used already but here’s one that hasn’t (don’t know if I’ve got it exactly right): In the Rear Window/ Flanders murder mystery episode Homer: Oh then everything’s wrapped up in a NEAT LITTLE PACKAGE! (No, really I mean it. Sorry if I sounded sarcastic). ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/108 "2003-10-14T11:37:23Z")
this is from memory - so probably a bit wonky: Bart: Had, you’re watching PBS!!! Homer: No one was more suprised than me son, but I have found this delighful British sit-com about a close knit fun loving family of football hooligans. When they’re not having a go with the birds - they’re having a row with the wankers. It probably helps if you’re British. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/109 "2003-10-14T12:39:51Z")
Upon hearing that his barbershop quartet lost the Best New Artist Grammy to Dexy’s Midnight Runners: > [@](#): > > You haven’t heard the last of them! A Homer rant that I had to Google, sounds like its correct: > [@](#): > > Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like – I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can’t HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown! ---
**Author:** ![Herge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Herge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Herge)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/110 "2003-10-14T12:56:21Z")
JohnT, I like that quote also. I get the “You want the truth?” bit - its from A Few Good Men. But the other stuff about “hand in a pile of goo” etc… what is this quoted from? ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/111 "2003-10-14T15:38:08Z")
Unknown: “Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like – I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line.” … And Justice for All: “And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order!” A Few Good Men: “You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can’t HANDLE the truth!” Patton: " 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do!" Chinatown: “Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!” Anybody know the origins of the first line? ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/112 "2003-10-14T16:10:29Z")
SNPP doesn’t have anything. I think it sounds like a lot of generic cop or whatever movies. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/113 "2003-10-14T17:12:28Z")
Not so much a line, but: When Selma is marrying Troy McClure (after Troy has drunkenly confessed to Homer the night before that he doesn’t really love Selma, and is just using the wedding to get back in the public eye), the ceremony goes something like this: Preacher: If anyone has any reason as to why this couple should not be wed, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace… (Cut to close-up of Homer’s head, with his brain singing Gary Glitter’s “Rock N Roll, Part 2”) Homer’s head: Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh…HEY! Duh-duh-duh… ---
**Author:** ![withaK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8e7dd6/32.png) [@withaK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/withaK)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/114 "2003-10-14T17:32:41Z")
Woo-hoo! I’m a college man! I won’t need my high school diploma any more! [sets fire to it and starts singing] I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T… ---
**Author:** ![Spudo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@Spudo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spudo)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/115 "2003-10-14T17:46:04Z")
Marge, where’s that…metal…dealie…used to…dig…food? Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese!? Homer: I think I’m blind. ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/116 "2003-10-14T17:58:07Z")
I think this is from the episode where Marge kicks him out… “I’d kill for you, Marge…(very sternly) PLEASE let me kill for you, Marge” apologies in advance if I screwed up the quote ! ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/117 "2003-10-14T18:54:29Z")
Don’t worry – being eaten by an crocodile is just like going to sleep…in a giant blender. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/118 "2003-10-14T19:06:26Z")
**Brockman** : Mr. Simpson, how do respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack-beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent? **Homer** : Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that. ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/119 "2003-10-14T19:12:45Z")
Facts can be used to prove anything that is even remotely true. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2003, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884/120 "2003-10-14T19:36:21Z")
“BOOM!! KA-BLAMMO!! oh my!” (to cover up the noise of stills exploding in the basement) “noooo…of…course not [eye meanders suspiciously]” “LEFT! TURN!! STRAIGHT!! BOAT…GO…FORWARD!!..Well done Mr Lenny, well done!” (taking Mr. Burns’ boat out to sea. “SANCTUARRY!! SANCT-TU-ARYYYY” [runs into church] Reverend Lovejoy: “I really wish I never taught him that word” “Shut up Net-face” (to Lenny, when trapped by pirates in a cargo net) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-homer-simpson-lines/206884.md?page=7)