# Best Insults **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 14, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128 "2003-02-14T19:34:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![skaterboarder87](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de0a6/32.png) [@skaterboarder87](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/skaterboarder87)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/1 "2003-02-14T19:34:16Z")
Inspired by this thread, [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=163022](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=163022) I’m curious as to what the most hurtful, or hilarious insults you’ve heard are. ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_of\_Sandwhich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/91b2a8/32.png) [@Earl\_of\_Sandwhich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_of_Sandwhich)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/2 "2003-02-14T21:16:32Z")
I’m not sure if anyone ever said this to me, but one of the worst I can think of is this: “If I had a dog that was as ugly as you are, I’d shave it’s ass bald and teach it to walk backwards.” It shouldn’t even be all that bad. So the person isn’t a beauty queen (or king); that isn’t the end of the world. I think the worst insults are not ones that refer to a particular bad quality (looks, B.O., or whatever), but rather, more vague, general ones, that refer to a person’s overall lack of quality, unloveabilty, and so forth. I hate to think about the number of insults I’ve dished out, as well as the number I’ve had to take. In my case, I was much better at the former, and particularly bad at the latter. I still owe some people apologies. Sorry for getting so serious. ---
**Author:** ![Washte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/dc4da7/32.png) [@Washte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washte)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/3 "2003-02-14T22:00:18Z")
Being a large kid, always got plenty of fat jokes, and you’re momma is so fat jokes. One still makes me laugh though: You’re momma is so fat when she sits on a quarter a booger pops out George Washington’s nose… ---
**Author:** ![Wearia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Wearia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wearia)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/4 "2003-02-14T23:04:24Z")
“Your the reason people have abortions” is pretty hard hitting. “The fact that you exist digusts me” is another one that’ll shut someone up. However one of the most effective ones I’ve found is simply “Your face.” They insult you, you say “your face!” then they look confused insult you further, you say “Your face!” and so on. Any more encounters should happen this same way. Eventually they will get so tired of hearing “Your face!” they’ll give up. So far for me it has a 100% success rate. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [February 14, 2003, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/5 "2003-02-14T23:18:33Z")
“You’re a worthless waste of skin and hair.” “Sniff my socks, you clanger!” And quoting 'ol Will, “signifying nothing!” (with a dismissive wave of the hand.) ---
**Author:** ![Rodd\_Hill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/3ab097/32.png) [@Rodd\_Hill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodd_Hill)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/6 "2003-02-15T00:01:26Z")
Apparently, in the mid-1920s, one of the army hill stations on the North-West Frontier India (now Pakistan) had a very peppery commanding officer who disapproved of his junior lieutenants taking their leave in the cities, chasing women; he preferred them to go out hunting in the hills or suchlike. One young officer, from a wealthy family, ignored the CO’s wishes, and spent his leaves partying in Peshawar. When the Lieutenant’s review came due, the only comment the CO wrote was, “This officer dances beautifully.” ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/7 "2003-02-15T01:52:56Z")
“it is my conjecture that your mother is no stranger to the embraces of barnyard and domestic animals” “Your genitals resemble moldy spinach” ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/8 "2003-02-15T01:56:17Z")
“You’re the load your mother should have swallowed” ---
**Author:** ![TeleTronOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4af34b/32.png) [@TeleTronOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeleTronOne)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/9 "2003-02-15T02:16:20Z")
“You are a waste of carbon. … You’d be doing the world a far greater service if you were fossil fuel” ---
**Author:** ![Ennui](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ennui/32/3396_2.png) [@Ennui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ennui)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/10 "2003-02-15T03:35:38Z")
Your teeth are so crooked that you can kiss your mother and comb her mustache all at the same time. ---
**Author:** ![viking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@viking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/viking)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/11 "2003-02-15T03:37:15Z")
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man. ---
**Author:** ![Slartibartfastt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5e9695/32.png) [@Slartibartfastt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slartibartfastt)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/12 "2003-02-15T03:37:36Z")
I may be fat, but your ugly, and I can diet. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/13 "2003-02-15T03:50:46Z")
Two that I’ve actually said: “The only difference between your funeral and mine, is that mine will feature crying onlookers!” “The only reason that I won’t piss on your grave is that I hate standing in line!” ---
**Author:** ![DeVena](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/dec6dc/32.png) [@DeVena](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeVena)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/14 "2003-02-15T04:10:42Z")
Old Star Trek insult - “Ugly bag of mostly water” And I like “You’re a poster child for Nuclear War.” ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/15 "2003-02-15T06:28:49Z")
Some of my favs What are you, the poster child for birth control? I refuse to have a battle of wits with a half-armed man I may be fat, but you are an idiot, and I can diet. You are natures poor atempt to fill a vacuum. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/16 "2003-02-15T06:49:12Z")
You suffer from delusions of significance. Did your mother wipe after she sh\*t you out? I’m sorry, were you talking? ---
**Author:** ![1kBR\_Kid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/dc4da7/32.png) [@1kBR\_Kid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1kBR_Kid)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/17 "2003-02-15T06:51:32Z")
Favorite insult name: Shit for Brains Favorite insult for a soldier: Waste of Tax Dollars Favorite fat joke: She’s so fat, after she has sex, he smokes a TURKEY! ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/18 "2003-02-15T06:54:13Z")
Didn’t opal have a page dedicated to burns collected from the boards? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Calculus\_of\_Logic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@The\_Calculus\_of\_Logic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Calculus_of_Logic)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/19 "2003-02-15T08:37:16Z")
Good insults involve finding some deficit in a persons personality/past/present, and rubbing it in their face in a social setting where status is important. For some reason, i’m supposedly really good at finding people’s inner faults and rubbing them in (so i’m told), don’t know why. I never do it intentionally. once a woman named all the things she found attractive in men, and what her perfect man was, so i retorted ‘yeah, but your fat so what you want doesn’t matter, you have to pick from among the leftovers’, as a joke, mind you (she took it pretty well). Things like that, rub people’s fault in. Its a personal act for different people, there is no universal insult. ---
**Author:** ![TheOnlySaneOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/67e7ee/32.png) [@TheOnlySaneOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheOnlySaneOne)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2003, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128/20 "2003-02-15T08:39:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by clayton\_e \* > \*\*Didn’t opal have a page dedicated to burns collected from the boards? \*\* That she did, and does. [The Page O’ Flames](http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/poflames.adp) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-insults/155128.md?page=2)