# Best Joke I've heard in months **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 16, 1999, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412 "1999-12-16T19:07:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/1 "1999-12-16T19:07:00Z")
This one cracked me up completely (and I hardly ever crack up, most “jokes” barely make me smile). An Italian, a German and a Jew are lost and wandering in the desert. The Italian says: “I’m so hungry! I’m so thirsty! I must have water!” The German says: “I’m so hungry! I’m so thirsty! I must have beer!” The Jew says: “I’m so hungry! I’m so thirsty! I must have diabetes!” I think it is hilarious. Told to me by a Jewish friend. * * * * * * I know it may LOOk like I’m not doing anything, but at the cellular level, I’m actually quite busy, ---
**Author:** ![the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f1d935/32.png) [@the\_Scarlet\_Pimpernel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_Scarlet_Pimpernel)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/2 "1999-12-16T19:12:00Z")
Okay, first you have to understand that the Danish word for a certified teacher is “pedagogue”. Whats the difference between a pedagogue and a pedophile? You know that the pedophile likes children. Told to me by a fellow teacher. ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/3 "1999-12-16T19:19:00Z")
What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the moooovies. P.S. I’ve got plenty more like that, all you have to do is ask and I’ll post them. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/4 "1999-12-16T19:23:00Z")
Hey Arnold…if I ask you NOT to, will you comply? Thanks. arf ---
**Author:** ![SaxFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SaxFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaxFace)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/5 "1999-12-16T19:28:00Z")
In the spirit of Wally’s ball buster, I would like to share a joke I made up when I was a little kid. At the time, it was the most hilarious thing. Now, it just sucks. Why do elephants have flat ears? Because they eat too many pancakes!! (Not going into show business) * * * Formerly unknown as “Melanie” ---
**Author:** ![SaxFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@SaxFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaxFace)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/6 "1999-12-16T19:29:00Z")
Oops, I meant Arnold. * * * Formerly unknown as “Melanie” ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/7 "1999-12-16T20:31:00Z")
What is the difference between a duck? The other leg is shorter. ---
**Author:** ![okatym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/76d3ee/32.png) [@okatym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/okatym)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/8 "1999-12-16T20:36:00Z")
This is an oldie but a goodie: Heaven is where: The Chefs are **French** The Lovers are **Italian** The Police are **British** The Mechanics are **German** And everything’s organized by the **Swiss** . . . . Hell is where: The Chefs are **British** The Lovers are **Swiss** The Police are **German** The Mechanics are **French** And everything’s organized by the **Italians** ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/9 "1999-12-16T20:45:00Z")
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist wearing a suit made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.” It really doesn’t work on the MB because of the different meanings for “your” and “you’re”. * * * -Jesus Saves He passes to Mike Modano. THEY SCORE!!! ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/10 "1999-12-16T20:55:00Z")
OK. Here is my new favorite joke. Kinda long so stay with me. A guy walks into a pub while visiting in Ireland. He notices that the bartender seems a little depressed. He says to the barkeep, “You seem down in the dumps. What seems to be the trouble?” The barkeep says, “Well, you see that fence out there. I built that fence with me own two hands. I laid every stone in place and it took me nearly twenty years. But do the call me Angus the fence builder? Nay.” He takes a large swig of ale and says, “Do ya see this bar? I built it meself. I sanded and painted every board. It took me ten years. But do they call me Angus the Bar builder? Nay.” He helps himself to another large drink of ale and says, “Do ya see that wee bonnie dock out back? I sunk every pier meself and drove every nail by hand. It took me nearly fifteen years. But do they call me Angus the dock builder? Nay.” The bartender finishes his drink and says, “Aye. But you fuck one goat…” * * * -Jesus Saves He passes to Mike Modano. THEY SCORE!!! ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/11 "1999-12-16T20:58:00Z")
Person 1: Knock Knock. Person 2: Who’s there? Person 1: The interrupting cow. Person 2: The interrupt- Person 1: MOOOOO!!! ---
**Author:** ![stolichnaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bcef8e/32.png) [@stolichnaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolichnaya)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/12 "1999-12-16T21:07:00Z")
The Indian chief was having a talk with his youngest son. “Father,” he said, “I have a question.” “What is it, my son?” “How do we children get our names?” “Well, my son, take your sister, Wind-in-the-Pines. When your mother gave birth to her, I walked outside and looked around, and I saw a breeze shaking the trees.” “I see,” said his son. “And your brother, Golden Bear. When your mother gave birth to him, I walked outside and the first thing I saw was a majestic golden bear. Now do you understand, my son?” “I suppose,” said the son, “But I don’t think that is a very good method for naming someone.” “Why do you say that, Two Dogs Fucking?” ---
**Author:** ![mr\_john](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@mr\_john](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr_john)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/13 "1999-12-16T21:39:00Z")
I was sittin’ dere ona bench in fron da genrl store an I look up to see mah good fran Gaston come walkin from way down other end da street. I see he got some kinda rolled up paper in his back a da pants pocket an he walk up to a lady dere on da sidewalk an he spoken to her. She rare back an SLAP! him raght across he face. He proceed to approach nearer to me dere,and he spoken to some other ladys, I can’t hear what he say but dey all huff up an SLAP! him raht in the side part of da fron of his face. Finally he ask a lady right near by to me, I still don hear what he say but I hear her say, " I don’t know what you’re talking about but I don’t like the sound of it !" an SLAP! Finally I tooken all I can take of that an I say," Gaston, what for you botherin’ these nice ladies?" He say," M Jean,Ah am glad for you to see me ,Ah bet. Ah been done askin dem ladies if dey tell me what part of da female body is the brawl and the yet." " What do you mean ,Gaston? I have never been hearing of dose parts." He take out dat paper and he show me, " See, it say raht here in da New Orlean’s Picayune,‘Woman Shot in Brawl,the Bullet is in Her Yet.’ " * * * “Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.”-Marx ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/14 "1999-12-16T21:46:00Z")
Just heard this one – mildly amusing: A guy runs home from work one day and yells, “Honey, Honey! Pack you’re bags! I just won the lottery!!” “That’s great!” gushes his wife. “Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?” “I don’t give a shit what you pack, just get out!” * * * Jodi _Fiat Justitia_ ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/15 "1999-12-16T23:58:00Z")
What’s Irish & stays out all night long? Patty O’furniture. * * * What do you call a person who can speak several languages: Multilingual. What do you call a person who can speak two languages: Bilingual. What do you call a person who can only speak one language? American. This one seems to be a big hit with people who _have_ to learn English in order to survive, but rarely gets a chuckle out of native English speakers who never have to learn anybody else’s language to exist just fine. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/16 "1999-12-17T00:20:00Z")
Oh, _I_ chuckled alright 😉 ## Your hypothesis is correct, therefore. Coldfire * * * “You know how complex women are” - Neil Peart, Rush (1993) ---
**Author:** ![Arnold\_Winkelried](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Arnold\_Winkelried](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arnold_Winkelried)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/17 "1999-12-17T00:33:00Z")
OK, I guess my first joke didn’t meet with the success it deserved. Mr. Neutron walks into a bar. Bartender: “What will you have Mr. Neutron?” “Give me a Bloody Mary”. He sips the drink, smacks his lips, downs it. “Give me another.” After a few more, he tells the bartender: “That wash very good. Besht Bloody Mary I’ve had. How much do I owe you?” “For you, no charge.” ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/18 "1999-12-17T00:42:00Z")
An ion walks into the same bar a few minutes later. He tells the bartender that he lost his wallet, and would the barkeep please check the lost and found. The bartender does so, returning to say, “I don’t have it. Are you sure you left it here?” The ion says, “I’m positive!” * * * Livin’ on Tums, Vitamin E and Rogaine ---
**Author:** ![Daniel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Daniel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daniel)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/19 "1999-12-17T01:33:00Z")
no, that’s not how it goes. . . 🙂 Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly, one stops and says, “I think I just lost an electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first one says, “I’m positive!” ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412/20 "1999-12-17T01:36:00Z")
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, was getting tired of this and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what he was doing. “He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained. “Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob snapped. “Sure it will,” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough!” – Sylence * * * I don’t have an evil side. Just a really, really apathetic one. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-joke-ive-heard-in-months/12412.md?page=2)