# Best Limerick Ever **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 8, 2001, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206 "2001-04-08T01:04:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![owlfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@owlfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlfan)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2013, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/81 "2013-03-17T23:00:39Z")
There once was a girl named Lenore Who wanted to become a whore She met some Marines, Let them into her jeans Now she’s full of esprit de corps. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2013, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/82 "2013-03-17T23:04:51Z")
Since today is St Patrick’s Day: There once was a man from Limerick Who bemoaned the bad luck of the Mick A stout and fistfight are no use for this blight Against George’s snakes where’s St. Patrick?! ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2013, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/83 "2013-03-18T00:21:07Z")
A rancher who never meant harm had a penis as long as an arm All the women screamed ‘freak’ But his cows could not speak Thus I never drink milk from his farm ---
**Author:** ![the\_O](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@the\_O](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_O)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2013, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/84 "2013-03-18T03:50:53Z")
There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier 'Til a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2013, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/85 "2013-03-18T03:54:46Z")
> [@Prof.Dumbledore](#): > > there was an old man from darjeeling > on a train ride from london to ealing > the sign on the door > said don’t spit on the floor > so he carefully spat on the ceiling there once was a man from Wheeling Who did a great deal of dealing He read on the door, “Don’t spit on the floor” So he jumped up and spat on the ceiling. ---
**Author:** ![AaronX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/7bcc69/32.png) [@AaronX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AaronX)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2013, 9:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/86 "2013-03-18T09:50:52Z")
I like: A preoccupied vegan named Hugh picked up the wrong sandwich to chew. He took a big bite before spitting, in fright, “OMG, WTF, BBQ!” ---
**Author:** ![Stanislaus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stanislaus/32/3391_2.png) [@Stanislaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stanislaus)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2013, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/87 "2013-03-18T12:30:46Z")
Maths, and also philosophy: \*Bishop Berkeley suggested that “God Must find it exceedingly odd To see that this tree Continues to be When there’s no-one about in the quad.” “Dear Sir, your astonishment’s odd, I am always about in the quad And that’s why the tree Continues to be, Observed by, yours faithfully, God.”\* ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/88 "2013-03-20T03:14:50Z")
_There was a young man from Racine who invented a fucking machine. Concave and convex, it could serve either sex and anything else in between!_ _There was a young man from Madras whose testes were fashioned of brass. When he clanged them together they’d play “Stormy Weather” and lightning shot out of his ass!_ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/89 "2013-03-20T03:17:14Z")
_A knight named Sir Christopher Palmer sold his gear to a young Chinese farmer. When he heard about this, King Arthur said “Chris, I hear there’s a Chink in your armor!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/90 "2013-03-20T14:14:51Z")
A topical one, because, well, why not? The Vatican gives us new hope: White smoke means an incoming pope Jorge is now Francis But what are the chances He’ll turn out to like the odd grope? And another (well it was topical a month ago!) A petrified Russian named Boris Yelled “What’s that? It’s headed right for us! Looks rather like A meteor strike Won’t somebody send for Chuck Norris!” ---
**Author:** ![Cryptic\_C62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/3e96dc/32.png) [@Cryptic\_C62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cryptic_C62)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/91 "2013-03-20T14:25:27Z")
An original: There once was a man from Cologne Whose mouth had a mind of its own He frets and frets That he’s got Tourette’s SHIT DICK FUCK BALLS ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/92 "2013-03-20T16:17:14Z")
A highly-condensed version of the “Seven Ages of Man” speech from “As You Like It” – Seven ages: first puking and mewling, Then very pissed-off with his schooling, Then fucks, and then fights, Then judging chaps’ rights, Then sitting in slippers, then drooling. ---
**Author:** ![hogarth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hogarth/32/1773_2.png) [@hogarth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hogarth)\ **Post date:** [March 20, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/93 "2013-03-20T18:46:39Z")
(Most of my favourites have been listed in various forms.) A sailor whose name was McFee Would spoonerize to a degree Instead of “Weigh anchor!” He’d shout out “A wanker!” And he’d say that his name was FcMee. There once was a lady from Devon Who was raped in a garden by seven High Anglican priests Lascivious beasts! Of such is the kingdom of heaven… ---
**Author:** ![Gary\_Robson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gary_robson/32/3448_2.png) [@Gary\_Robson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gary_Robson)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/94 "2013-03-21T05:02:51Z")
A flea and a fly in a flue Were caught, so what could they do? “Let us fly” said the flea, Said the fly, “Let us flee” So they flew through a flaw in the flue. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/95 "2013-03-21T06:56:54Z")
> [@vontsira](#): > > A highly-condensed version of the “Seven Ages of Man” speech from “As You Like It” – > > Seven ages: first puking and mewling, > Then very pissed-off with his schooling, > Then fucks, and then fights, > Then judging chaps’ rights, > Then sitting in slippers, then drooling. Very good! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/96 "2013-03-21T11:35:02Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Very good! 😃 Attributed, I think, to the late British author Kingsley Amis. ---
**Author:** ![Colophon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f05b48/32.png) [@Colophon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colophon)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/97 "2013-03-21T14:34:48Z")
I always like the ones that play on spelling pecularities: There was a young lassie named Menzies Who said, “Do ye know what this thenzies?” Said her aunt wi’a gasp “My lass, that’s a wasp And you’re holding the end where the stenzies!” The very refined Lady Cholmondely Was both well-to-do and quite colmondely But she found introductions Quite major productions Because of that name spelled so rolmondely. Here’s one I just made up: There once was a fellow named St. John, Who went to Bombay with an t. John He said, “Tell you what It’s frightfully hot”" Said the t. John, “St. John, stop your wht. John!” It’s been done before, and a lot better, as: There was a young student of St. Bartholomews Whose car went by fits and by St. Startholomews Till a fewllow named St. John Examined the t. John And fitted it out with spare St. Partholomews. (you can probably figure out how St Bartholomews is pronounced…) ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/98 "2013-03-21T18:39:26Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > _There was a young man from Racine > who invented a fucking machine. > Concave and convex, > it could serve either sex > and anything else in between!_ Alternate last line: But man, what a bitch to clean! ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/99 "2013-03-21T18:43:17Z")
There once was a man from the sticks Who loved to write limericks But he gave up the sport Because he wrote them too short ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/100 "2013-03-21T20:27:18Z")
There was a young lady from Pittwood Who had trouble controlling her shit good. She’d leave small deposits In corners and closets Much as a small pup or kit would. And my favorites from Edward Gorey: Augustus, for splashing his soup, Was put for the night on the stoop; In the morning he’d not Repented a jot, And next day he was dead of the croup. To his club-footed child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his post-prandial tipple, “Your mother’s behaviour Gave pain to our Saviour, And that’s why He made you a cripple.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206.md?page=6)