# Best Limerick Ever **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 8, 2001, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206 "2001-04-08T01:04:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Baron\_Skinley\_Von\_Clipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@Baron\_Skinley\_Von\_Clipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Skinley_Von_Clipper)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2013, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/101 "2013-03-21T21:40:53Z")
There was a young man from Kent Whose penis was terribly bent. To save himself trouble, He put it in double. And rather than coming he went. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/102 "2013-03-22T21:18:51Z")
> [@Colophon](#): > > I always like the ones that play on spelling pecularities: > > There was a young lassie named Menzies > Who said, “Do ye know what this thenzies?” > Said her aunt wi’a gasp > “My lass, that’s a wasp > And you’re holding the end where the stenzies!” > The very refined Lady Cholmondely > Was both well-to-do and quite colmondely > But she found introductions > Quite major productions > Because of that name spelled so rolmondely. > Here’s one I just made up: > > There once was a fellow named St. John, > Who went to Bombay with an t. John > He said, “Tell you what > It’s frightfully hot”" > Said the t. John, “St. John, stop your wht. John!” > It’s been done before, and a lot better, as: > > There was a young student of St. Bartholomews > Whose car went by fits and by St. Startholomews > Till a fewllow named St. John > Examined the t. John > And fitted it out with spare St. Partholomews. > (you can probably figure out how St Bartholomews is pronounced…) Another in this strain (British-English name-related weirdness). I’ll explain – though with all the sharp characters on this board, that could well be needless: The city of Salisbury (Wiltshire, England) is sometimes referred to by the alternative name of Sarum – that of the one-time Roman city a couple of miles away. The next-door county of Hampshire sometimes has its name abbreviated to “Hants.” There was a young curate of Salisbury Whose manners were quite halisbury-scalisbury. He ran around Hampshire Without any pampshire, Till his bishop compelled him to walisbury. ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/103 "2013-03-22T21:29:31Z")
Another English-name-weirdie (can’t resist). About the village of Hautbois in Norfolk (pronounced “Hobbis”). A robber named Robert from Hautbois: Now burgling rich houses his jautbois. Through windows he wangles At improbable angles; A most rubbery robber our Bautbois. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 8:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/104 "2013-03-23T08:40:41Z")
All right, let’s try this (based on fact): The dirty old Rector of Stiffkey Was overly fond of the niffkey; His bizarre means of dyin’: He was ate by a lion, Which - you’d never get odds from the biffkey. In similar vein: There was a young student of Caius Who whizzed down the slopes on his skaius; But a Fellow of Magdalen Said "I prefer dagdalen - “I’ve got where I am by degraius”. (Stookie, Keys, Mawdlin, respectively) ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/105 "2013-03-23T16:35:27Z")
And further on the Fellows-of-Oxford-and-Cambridge-colleges theme (though not on the spelling one): There was a young Fellow Of Wadham Who asked for a ticket to Sodom. Said the clerk, “We prefer Not to issue them, sir” – He said, “Don’t call me Sir, call me Modom.” ---
**Author:** ![El\_DeLuxo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_deluxo/32/9043_2.png) [@El\_DeLuxo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_DeLuxo)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/106 "2013-03-23T18:01:18Z")
A needle-dicked freak ran amuck Tried to bugger a canvas-back duck His needle got stuck And he cried “What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?” ---
**Author:** ![vontsira](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/51bf81/32.png) [@vontsira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vontsira)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/107 "2013-03-23T19:33:47Z")
For a bit of contrast – an ostensibly “clean” one: Wanting children, a couple once sat For a course on how they were begat. When the doctor expounded They sat there dumbfounded, And said they could never do THAT. ---
**Author:** ![Damfino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Damfino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damfino)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/108 "2013-03-23T21:57:28Z")
Another spelling one from Asimov (As far as memory serves…) You can’t call the British Queen Ms. Tain 't as nice as Elizabeth is But i think that the Queen Would be even less keen To be addressed as Ls . ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2013, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/109 "2013-03-25T23:12:56Z")
There was a Newbie named Elwell Who couldn’t let old threads sit well So he conjured a witty post That resurrected a ghost And created a place for zombies to dwell. (well…someone had to do it!)😉 ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2013, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/110 "2013-03-26T14:04:57Z")
There was once a young queer in Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room But they spent the whole night In a terrible fight Over who should do what and to whom An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Said there is one thing I do know A girl is just fine A sheep is divine But a llama is numero uno ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2013, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/111 "2013-03-26T14:31:18Z")
Here’s mine: 1,264,853,971.2758463 One Billion Two Hundred and Sixty Four Million Eight Hundred and Fifty- Three Thousand Nine Hun- dred and Seventy One Point Two Seven Five Eight Four Six Three. ---
**Author:** ![Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Boulter\_s\_Canary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boulter_s_Canary)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2013, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/112 "2013-03-26T22:38:33Z")
\*W S Gilbert \*(allegedly): There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung on the arm by a wasp, When asked, “Does it hurt?” He replied, “No, it doesn’t, I’m so glad it wasn’t a hornet.” _Spike Milligan and/or Peter Sellars_: There was a young man from Cathay On a slow boat to China one day Was trapped near the tiller By a sex-crazed gorilla And China’s a bloody long way ---
**Author:** ![Olentzero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/90ced4/32.png) [@Olentzero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Olentzero)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2013, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/113 "2013-03-27T10:03:39Z")
An exchange on another message board, involving two I composed: **ME.** The limerick’s a hard form to master. If composing, go slower, not faster! I mean, take your time With the meter and rhyme Else your efforts will meet with disaster. **OTHER DUDE.** That was pretty excellent, Skinner. You are such a cunning linguist. **ME.** “A linguist so cunning,” said she, “Is of no little interest to me.” “I can do maths, to boot - So what say we compute 207 ÷ 3?” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2013, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/114 "2013-03-27T14:27:49Z")
I’ve been carrying this one around in my head for about 30 years. From a book starring the Muppets: There was a magician named Gonzo, Whose fame was known all over, Yet his stunts fell flat Every time that he tried And his limericks don’t rhyme either. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2013, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206/115 "2013-03-28T12:44:10Z")
Here’s one of my favorites: There was a young student of John’s Who was trying to bugger the swans. ‘Oh no’, said the porter, ‘Please take my young daughter. The swans are reserved for the Dons’. and then a G-rated one from my wife The reverend Henry Ward Beecher\* called the hen a most elegant creature The hen, hearing that Laid an egg in his hat And thus did the hen reward Beecher \*Well-known 19th century abolitionist and father of Uncle Tom’s Cabin author Harriet Beecher Stowe. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limerick-ever/61206.md?page=5)