# Best limmericks (may be offensive) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** poetry\ **Created:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![grisham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@grisham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grisham)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/1 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")
I was reading the thread on camp songs and it got me thinking. What are some good limmericks out there. My favorite is: there once was a man from bandoo who fell asleep in a canoe he dreamt of venus and played with his penis and woke up covered in goo ---
**Author:** ![schplebordnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@schplebordnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/schplebordnik)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/2 "2004-03-14T03:42:10Z")
Well, there is always the most filthy one (and the one that everyone jokingly only recites the first line of): There once was a man from Nantucket Whose \*\*\*\* was so long he could \*\*\*\* it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin If my ear were a \*\*\*\* I could \*\*\*\* it. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/3 "2004-03-14T04:23:13Z")
I have two favorites by other people, and a couple of favorites that I wrote. The first I’ve seen attributed to Woodrow Wilson, but I have no idea if that’s actually valid: I sat next to the Duchess at tea. It was all that I’d feared it would be. Her rumblings abdominal Were truly phenomenal And everyone thought it was me! Then one by the ever popular Anonymous: There was a young lady from Wight Whose speed was much greater than light. She went out one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night. My own two: Science: Archimedes was really quite clever. (He’s the fellow who thought up the lever.) Because he did math While immersed in the bath We’ll remember “Eureka!” forever. Escort Service: Dear sir, don’t make yourself queasy. We assure you the lady’s not sleezy. She’ll wow all your friends And when the night ends, You’ll find she’s not cheap, but she’s easy! **EddyTeddyFreddy** is the mistress of limericks on this board. She needs to get her rear in here! ---
**Author:** ![Lamar\_Mundane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lamar\_Mundane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamar_Mundane)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/4 "2004-03-14T04:38:46Z")
Sort of a hijack… The best I have seen recently was about the mispronounciation of “Hors’ Dourves”. The last line ended with the word “manouver”. I can’t find it anywhere. Little help? ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/5 "2004-03-14T07:28:29Z")
One of my favorites (or at least the cleverest) was one of Isaac Asimov’s: A woman from North Carolina Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina And with proper size cocks What was sex became Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/6 "2004-03-14T07:42:41Z")
_Names have been fictionalized to protect the innocent:_ There once was a Doper named **Russ** Who would always stir up a big fuss He could have played nice but instead He kept starting a Thread Called: “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.” ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/7 "2004-03-14T07:47:51Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > _Names have been fictionalized to protect the innocent:_ > > There once was a Doper named **Russ** Ooops! I just thought I ought to run a search and it turns out there _really is_ a Doper named **Russ**. I swear my Limerick has NOTHING to do with the real **Russ**. I’m sorry if the real **Russ** was offended. Perhaps the Mods can intervene and change it to **Gus** or something. (jeez, I hope there isn’t a real **Gus** too!) ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/8 "2004-03-14T15:47:05Z")
> [@LurkMeister](#): > > One of my favorites (or at least the cleverest) was one of Isaac Asimov’s: > > A woman from North Carolina > Stretched fiddle strings 'cross her vagina > And with proper size cocks > What was sex became Bach’s > Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. This is _brilliant_! I wish _I’d_ written it. ---
**Author:** ![sinjin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@sinjin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sinjin)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/9 "2004-03-14T16:47:41Z")
From college: There once was a man from Eau Claire Who tried \*\*\*\*\*\*\* his wife on the stair The banister broke But oh what a bloke He finished the job in mid-air!! and There once was a man from Racine Who invented a \*\*\*\*\*\*\* machine Concave or convex It would take either sex But, oh what a bastard to clean!! Why is it alway men Then there was the caveman named Dave… ---
**Author:** ![grisham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@grisham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grisham)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/10 "2004-03-14T18:23:07Z")
Lukmeister…brilliant. Pictsiepat …brilliant. If nothing else would get posted on here I am glad I started this thread just to hear those. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/11 "2004-03-14T18:37:27Z")
I don’t know if they’re still in print, but Isaac Asimov had a series of books, among them _Lecherous Limericks_, _More Lecherous Limericks_ and _Limericks: Too Gross_ (the last being, of course, a collection of 288 limericks), which are worth looking for if you’re a limerick fan. IIRC many of the limericks included were written by Dr. A, but there is some discussion of the limerick as an art form. The one I quoted was from memory; I wish I could remember more of them, and unfortunately my copies are in storage at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/12 "2004-03-14T18:51:24Z")
I like meta-limericks. For instance > [@](#): > > There once was a boy from Dundee > Whose Limericks stopped at line three. > And couldn’t be finished. and > [@](#): > > There once was a girl from Peru > Whose Limericks stopped at line two. and > [@](#): > > I once knew a man from Verdun. There was another one about the Emporer Nero, but I can’t remember any of it. Another favorite is > [@](#): > > A mosquito was heard to complain > That a chemist had poisoned his brain > The cause of his sorrow > Was paradichloro > Diphenyltrichloroethane. ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/13 "2004-03-14T19:03:43Z")
One of the few I can actually remember off the top of my head: There once was a lady that Had three babies, Nat Pat and Tat If was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding For you see, there was no tit for Tat Speaking of meta-lymericks, I also heard one once about a man who was bad at writing limericks, and the last line was “I always try to fit as many words to a line as I can” ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/14 "2004-03-14T20:13:42Z")
There was a young man from Japan Whose verses would never quite scan When told this was so He replied, yes I know But I always try to fit as many words in the last line as I possibly can. ---
**Author:** ![Rayne\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rayne\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rayne_Man)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/15 "2004-03-14T20:18:06Z")
This one gets you mind going in the wrong direction :- There was a young maid from Madras Who had a magnificent ass; Not rounded and pink, As you probably think— It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass. ---
**Author:** ![Rayne\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rayne\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rayne_Man)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/16 "2004-03-14T20:22:15Z")
This is for all the Dopers on this thread :- The limerick’s callous and crude, It’s morals distressingly lewd. It’s not worth the reading By persons of breeding; It’s designed for us vulgar and rude! ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/17 "2004-03-14T20:40:44Z")
I’m rather fond of this one: _There once was a young man of Ghent, Whose tool was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went._ Perhaps the best part is that I found it at [this site.](http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/indexpoet.html) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![peasea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc79bd/32.png) [@peasea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peasea)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/18 "2004-03-14T20:40:59Z")
> [@grisham](#): > > There once was a man from bandoo > who fell asleep in a canoe > he dreamt of venus and played with his penis > and woke up covered in goo There was a Bohemian monk Who went to bed in a bunk He dreamt that Venus was stroking his penis And woke up all covered in spunk. ---
**Author:** ![peasea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc79bd/32.png) [@peasea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peasea)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/19 "2004-03-14T20:46:39Z")
There was a young physicist named Fisk Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk So fast was his action The Lorentz contraction Diminished his dong to a disk ---
**Author:** ![fighting\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ac8455/32.png) [@fighting\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fighting_ignorant)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/20 "2004-03-14T21:16:30Z")
> [@peasea](#): > > There was a young physicist named Fisk > Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk > So fast was his action > The Lorentz contraction > Diminished his dong to a disk Careful there, you’re treading on ground [covered by Cecil himself](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_095.html) : > [@Cecil](#): > > There once was a racer named Fisk > Who took a considerable risk > When his dragster got traction > The Fitzgerald contraction > Reduced his wazoo to a disc [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=2)