# Best limmericks (may be offensive) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** poetry\ **Created:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/21 "2004-03-14T21:29:33Z")
There was a young man from The Cape Who fucked a barbary ape. The ape said, “You fool! You’ve twisted your tool And bent my arsehole out of shape.” A girl who weighs many an oz. Used language I will not pronoz. For a fellow unkind, Pulled her chair out behind, He wanted to see if she’d boz. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/22 "2004-03-14T23:14:55Z")
A general, Caesar by name, Cried "Wrong are those words held in fame! "A nice Celtic lass "Had such a fine ass “That I conquered, I saw, _then_ I came!” First one I ever wrote. ---
**Author:** ![Ferris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ferris/32/11573_2.png) [@Ferris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferris)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/23 "2004-03-14T23:55:32Z")
There was a young lady from Tottenham Whose manners… well, she had forgotten 'em At tea at the vicar’s She whipped off her knickers Exclaiming she felt far too hot in 'em. ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2004, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/24 "2004-03-14T23:56:46Z")
There was a young cyborg named Ace who wooed women at every base but once ladies glanced at his special enhancement they vanished with nary a trace -Spartan Barracks graffiti That’s from the animation when you get one of the secret projects in Alpha Centauri. However, I can’t remember which one. Anyone know? ---
**Author:** ![peasea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc79bd/32.png) [@peasea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peasea)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/25 "2004-03-15T00:35:18Z")
> [@fighting ignorant](#): > > Careful there, you’re treading on ground [covered by Cecil himself](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_095.html) : What? I’m not claiming it’s my own. I got it from a collection of math and science jokes called Absolute Zero Infinity, which I highly recommend. ---
**Author:** ![peasea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc79bd/32.png) [@peasea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peasea)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/26 "2004-03-15T00:38:49Z")
Make that Absolute Zero Gravity, which makes a bit more sense. ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/27 "2004-03-15T01:25:31Z")
\*There once was a fellow named Skinner, whose wife had a TV set in her. It was stuck in her crotch, so he’d nibble and watch, thus inventing the first TV dinner. A pretty young woman from Wheeling, claimed that she had no sexual feeling. Then a sailor named Boris sucked on her clitoris before peeling her off of the ceiling. A lovely young lass from Decatur, had sex with a huge alligator. But nobody knew the result of that screw, 'cuz after he laid her, he ate her. A crazy old rascal from Wheeling, was drunk to the point he was reeling. When he read on the door, ‘Please don’t spit on the floor’, He leapt up and spat on the ceiling.\* ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/28 "2004-03-15T02:23:48Z")
There was a young girl of Vancouver, Who, when told it was not ‘horses doover,’ Found she hadn’t the nerve To ask for hors d’oeuvres, So had soup as a saving manoeuvre. I saved the limerick, but not the name of the original poster, sorry. I remember the one about the Emperor Nero. It’s a lot like one about the man from Nepal and it goes like this: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/29 "2004-03-15T03:57:23Z")
There once was a girl from Ryde Who ate a green apple and died The apple fermented Inside the lamented And made cider inside her insides There was a young man from Perth The nastiest bastard on Earth When his wife was confined He pulled down the blind And devoured the whole afterbirth ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/30 "2004-03-15T05:19:33Z")
A decrepit old gas man, named Peter, While hunting around for the meter, struck a leak with his light, and arose out of sight, and as you can tell by reading this he also quite destroyed the meter. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/31 "2004-03-15T05:35:41Z")
There once was a fellow named Lee Who was stung in the groin by a bee He made oodles of money By oozing pure honey Whenever attempting to pee. I didn’t write that, but I managed to pass that off to my Creative Writing teacher in high school. Hey, she liked me for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/32 "2004-03-15T06:24:23Z")
Moving this to Cafe Society. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/33 "2004-03-15T07:12:38Z")
Ah the wonderful world of the Dope Without it , how else could I cope? If I couldn’t come play I’d just fade away And sit in a corner and mope! ---
**Author:** ![moriah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/34 "2004-03-15T07:42:01Z")
There were three young ladies of Birmingham And here is the scandal concerning 'em. They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the bishop engaged in Confirming 'em. Now the bishop was nobody’s fool, He’d been to a good public school, He lowered their britches And buggered those bitches With his ten inch episcopal tool. Then up spoke a lady from the pew Who said, as the bishop withdrew, _“The vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And longer and stronger than you.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Q](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/898d66/32.png) [@Johnny\_Q](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Q)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/35 "2004-03-15T07:46:43Z")
Here’s one I’ve seen attributed to Tennyson: There once was a woman from Sydney Who liked it right up to her kidney A man from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck He had a big one, didn’t he? And from elsewhere… From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a shriek that echoed for miles The abbot said Gracious It’s Brother Ignatius He’s forgotten the bishop has piles ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/36 "2004-03-15T10:39:16Z")
This one doesn’t scan perfectly but what the hell. A horny young man from Macroom, Invited two lesbians up to his room, And they argued all night, About who had the right, To do this that and the other, and to whom. ---
**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/37 "2004-03-15T11:03:21Z")
I’ve always liked: There once was a man from Madrass Who’s balls were made out of brass He’d bang them together Amid stormy weather And lighting shot out of his ass. Plus there’s one I can never seemed to remeber involving a bi-sexual with the punch line something like And who did what and with whom Perhaps someone out there can help? ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/38 "2004-03-15T11:13:29Z")
> [@ddgryphon](#): > > Plus there’s one I can never seemed to remeber involving a bi-sexual with the punch line something like > > And who did what and with whom > > Perhaps someone out there can help? Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/39 "2004-03-15T11:39:32Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it. It’s this: About who had the right, To do what, and with what, and to whom. ---
**Author:** ![Nathan\_S](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/47e85d/32.png) [@Nathan\_S](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nathan_S)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/40 "2004-03-15T12:12:54Z")
Here’s one of my favorites: There once was a plumber of Leigh Who was plumbing a maid by the sea Said the maid “cease your plumbing, I think someone’s coming” Said the plumber, still plumbing, “it’s me”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=3)