# Best limmericks (may be offensive) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** poetry\ **Created:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/41 "2004-03-15T13:19:46Z")
> [@AvhHines](#): > > It’s this: > > About who had the right, > To do what, and with what, and to whom. That’s good too. But around here it “is” the way I wrote it. ---
**Author:** ![HDS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/bb73d2/32.png) [@HDS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HDS)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/42 "2004-03-15T13:31:02Z")
Here’s one I think **jjimm** posted: At breakfast one day in Calcutta, Sat a man with a terrible stutter, He said, “pass the h-ham, And the j-j-j-jam, And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butter!” ---
**Author:** ![williamweigand](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b3f665/32.png) [@williamweigand](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/williamweigand)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/43 "2004-03-15T13:43:20Z")
Here are a couple I heard from John Valby , aka Dr. Dirty – In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, Complacently stroking his Madam So great was his mirth For on all of the Earth There were only two balls - and he had 'em! There once was a milkman named Schwartz Whose dick was all covered with warts But the girls would all play With his dick , anyway 'Cause good old Schwartz came in quarts! ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/44 "2004-03-15T13:44:49Z")
There was a young woman named Alice Who used a stick of dynamite for a phallus. They found her vagina in South Carolina And part of her anus in Dallas. ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/45 "2004-03-15T13:54:06Z")
There was a young man from Tralee Who was horribly stung by a wasp When the asked “does it buzz?” He said, “Yes, it hurts It’s a horrible brute of a hornet” (PS: look at my sig) ---
**Author:** ![athelas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@athelas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/athelas)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/46 "2004-03-15T13:56:41Z")
Gaah! Look at it now, I mean ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/47 "2004-03-15T14:02:21Z")
> [@schplebordnik](#): > > Well, there is always the most filthy one (and the one that everyone jokingly only recites the first line of): > > There once was a man from Nantucket > Whose \*\*\*\* was so long he could \*\*\*\* it > He said with a grin > As he wiped off his chin > If my ear were a \*\*\*\* I could \*\*\*\* it. Am I the only person who didn’t know that this limerick actually existed? I always thought the whole joke was not an actual limerick but whatever dirty words a person’s mind couldn’t help but rhyme with ‘Nantucket’ when someone spoke the first (and only) line. I learn something new every day… ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/48 "2004-03-15T14:35:44Z")
> [@athelas](#): > > There was a young man from Tralee > Who was horribly stung by a wasp > When the asked “does it buzz?” > He said, “Yes, it hurts > It’s a horrible brute of a hornet” Heard one very similar, but has the added advantage of not scanning in the final line!!! > [@](#): > > There once was a man from Capri > Who was horribly stung by a wasp > When asked “Does it hurt?” > He replied "No it doesn’t, > but I am really terribly glad that is wasn’t a hornet. Also, from a previous SDMB thread (link omitted to save the hampsters): > [@](#): > > ((12+144+20 +(3\*/4))/7 + (5\*11) = 9^2 + 0 IOW: A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, All over seven, Add five times eleven, Equals nine to the two plus f\*ck all 🙂 Grim ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/49 "2004-03-15T14:38:58Z")
> [@grimpixie](#): > > but I am really terribly glad that is wasn’t a hornet. …should of course read “but I am really terribly glad that **it** wasn’t a hornet.” There were a couple of other mathematical limericks that I copied into Word, but have not the skills to render properly here - email me if you’d like a copy… Grim ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/50 "2004-03-15T15:16:20Z")
From a long-ago _Playboy:_ There was a young lady from Norway, Who hung by her heels in a doorway. She called to her beau, Come over here, Moe! I think I’ve discovered one more way! ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/51 "2004-03-15T15:25:13Z")
There are three tongue-twister limericks I posted in an MPSIMS thread a few days ago: A canner, exceedingly canny One morning remarked to his granny: “A canner can can Anything that he can But a canner can’t can a can, can he?” A fly and a flea in a flue Were imprisoned - so what could they do? Said the fly, “Let us flee!” “Let us fly!” said the flea. So they flew through a flaw in the flue. A tooter who tooted the flute Tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, “Is it harder to toot, or To tutor two tooters to toot?” Here’s a variation on the “Nantucket” limerick… There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan Ran away with a man And as for the bucket - Nantucket. He followed the pair to Pawtucket. The girl and the man with the bucket… He said to the man He was welcome to Nan… But as for the bucket - Pawtucket. I take issue with the titleing of **EddyTeddyFrddy** as the mistress of limericks. I think I do all right… Made this one up a few years ago. There once was a man named Armano Who decided straight sex was bird guano So he found a good friend And plugged up his end Now they both prefer _mano-a-mano_. So there. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/52 "2004-03-15T16:25:10Z")
Back in the 1920s (er, I _think_ it was 1920s) England, sick and twisted “Little Willy” limmericks were all the rage. They were mostly _gory_, kind of like the “dead baby” jokes I used to hear in the early 80s. Examples/ _Little Willy with a shout Gouged the baby’s out Stamped on them to make them pop Mother cried, “Now William, stop.”_ (Okay, maybe I’m sick and twisted, but the first rhyme of the following made me laugh when I first heard it.) _William with a lust for gore Nailed the baby to the floor Mother cired with humour quaint “Careful Will, don’t mar the paint.”_ (I think i’ts the “lust for gore” part that tickles my funny bone.) Another: _Willy with a stick of dynamite Couldn’t understand it quite Curiosity never pays It rained Willy seven days_ ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/53 "2004-03-15T16:29:01Z")
Darn! I previewed and I _still_ missed the boo-boo. Should be: _Little Willy with a shout Gouged the baby’s eyeballs out Stamped on them to make them pop Mother cried, “Now William, stop.”_ Damn, it’s like wrecking the punchline to a joke. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/54 "2004-03-15T16:38:24Z")
Oh and this one: There was a young fellow named Bruno Who said there is one thing I do know Woman and fine And young boys are divine But a llama is numero uno. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/55 "2004-03-15T16:39:36Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > Oh and this one: > > There was a young fellow named Bruno > Who said there is one thing I do know > Woman and fine > And young boys are divine > But a llama is numero uno. And boo-boo’s are catching… Women are fine. ---
**Author:** ![CurlyD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ee7513/32.png) [@CurlyD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurlyD)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/56 "2004-03-15T17:03:45Z")
I heard it this way: One evening a fag from Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. I learned this one in grade school: She frowned and called him Mr. Because, in sport, he kr. And so, in spite, That very night, This Mr. kr. sr. This one was written about my brother by a friend: There once was a fellow from Brandon Who could fart with terrific abandon. We wanted to cheer, But when the air cleared, There wasn’t a bloody soul standin’! From _Playboy_: There once was a girl from Devizes Whose breasts were of different sizes. The one that was small Was of no use at all, But the other won several prizes. And finally, my Dad’s favorite: There once was a fellow from Boston Who drove an American Austin. There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out, and he lost 'em. ---
**Author:** ![borschevsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/97f17d/32.png) [@borschevsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/borschevsky)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/57 "2004-03-15T17:05:04Z")
There once was a man called Joe Beebee Engaged to a sweet girl named Phoebe To his friends he would plea “Come to the church with me And see Phoebe be Phoebe Beebee.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/58 "2004-03-15T17:48:36Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Moving this to Cafe Society. **Czarcasm** was quite the Mod. Thought he was Czar, not just a god. And moving this thread He thought in his head “These Dopers are certainly odd.” ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/59 "2004-03-15T18:04:10Z")
As the poets have mournfully sung Death takes the innocent young The screamingly funny The rolling-in-money And those who are very well hung. I’ve see this attributed to W. H. Auden but who knows. and then there is: A girl was engaged at Colchester Her mother, she kissed and she bless’d her Said she, you’re in luck He’s a jolly good fuck I had him myself down in Leicester. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/60 "2004-03-15T19:04:28Z")
There once was a man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it. But one day, alas He discovered his ass And broke his back trying to fuck it! There once was a choirboy of Devon Who was bugged in a haystack by seven High Anglican priests The lascivious beasts! For of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. There once was a young man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave. He said, "I admit "I’m a bit of a shit, “But think of the money I save!” On the bank sat the Bishop of Buckingham He was cooling his balls – he was ducking 'em – Whilst observing the stunts Of the cunts in the punts And the tricks of the pricks as was fucking 'em. Said the dowager duchess at tea, “Young man, do you fart when you pee?” I replied, "Not a bit. “Do you belch when you shit?” Which I’d say left the honours with me. I’ve always been fond of Edward Gorey’s limericks, which you can find in his collections _Amphigorey_ and _Amphigorey Too._ A few choice selections: The partition of Vavascour Scowles Was sickener. They came on his bowels In a firkin. His brain Was found clogging a drain And his toes were inside of some towels. There once was a curate whose brain Was deranged from the use of cocaine. He lured a small child To a copse dark and wild Where he beat it to death with his cane. To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his postprandial tipple, "Your mother’s behaviour "Gave pain to Our Saviour, “And that’s why He made you a cripple.” An impulsive young woman named Gwen Was seen with the wrong sort of men. She vanished that day, But, the following May, Her legs were retrieved in a fen. An impulsive young woman of Ealing Threw her three-weeks-old child at the ceiling. When asked why she did, She said, "To be rid “Of a strange, overpowering feeling.” The first child of Mrs. Keats-Shelley Came to light with its face in its belly. The second was born With a hump and a horn, And the third was as shapeless as jelly. A young man of acumen and daring Who’d amassed a great fortune in herring Was left quite alone When it soon became known That their use at his board was unsparing. A girl who upon her divan Was attacked by a virile young man Said, "Such excess of passion “Is quite out of fashion.” And she fractured his wrist with her fan. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=4)