# Best limmericks (may be offensive)

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176>\
**Category:** Cafe Society\
**Tags:** poetry\
**Created:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 4

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**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/61 "2004-03-15T19:57:07Z")

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A couple of versions of already told ones:

There once was a woman from Bude  
Who went for a swim in the nude  
A man in a punt  
Stuck an oar in her ear  
And then she said “How rude!”

There once was a man from Belgrave  
Who found a dead whore in a cave  
It’s sure take some puck  
To have a cold fuck  
But think of the money you’d save!

And a couple of philosophical ones, the second responding to the first:

There once was a man who said “God  
Must think it exceedingly odd  
That he finds that this tree  
Contniues to be  
When there’s no-one about in the Quad.”

```auto

Dear Sir,
          Your astonishment's odd
For **I** am about in the Quad
And the reason this tree
Continues to be:
It's observed by,
                  Yours Faithfully,
                                    God

```

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**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/62 "2004-03-15T20:17:45Z")

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> [@Hamadryad](#):
>
> So they flew through a flaw in the flue.  
> Here’s a variation on the “Nantucket” limerick…
> 
> There once was a man from Nantucket  
> Who kept all his cash in a bucket.  
> His daughter, named Nan  
> Ran away with a man  
> And as for the bucket - Nantucket.
> 
> He followed the pair to Pawtucket.  
> The girl and the man with the bucket…  
> He said to the man  
> He was welcome to Nan…  
> But as for the bucket - Pawtucket.

The trio continued to Manhasset.  
Where Paw held the cash as an asset.  
Then Nan and the Man  
Took the bucket and ran  
And as for the money, Manhasset.

---

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**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/63 "2004-03-15T21:01:39Z")

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Hysteria, joy and confusion  
Followed the claim of cold fusion.  
The nuclear guys  
Had stars in their eyes  
But it turned out to be an illusion.  
They’re asking to teach my fourth grader  
Creation first, Darwin’s stuff later.  
But it makes me irate  
For you can’t postulate  
Creation without a Creator!  
It’s the greatest deal you ever saw  
It hasn’t a fault or a flaw!  
We’re so nice and kind  
So just sign on the line -  
(Void where prohibited by law)

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**Author:** ![peasea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bc79bd/32.png) [@peasea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/peasea)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/64 "2004-03-15T21:59:09Z")

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I wanted to write a limerick too, but not having the lyrical aptitude of some other Dopers, I turn to the ingredient label on a bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos:

Flour, whey, sodium caseinate,  
Corn flour, sodium bicarbonate,  
Wheat gluten, hydrolyzed,  
And yeast extract, autolyzed,  
Sodium acid pyrophosphate

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**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/65 "2004-03-15T23:07:49Z")

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But limericks are really quite easy,  
I know that you can do it, **Peasey**  
Just make sure that you rhyme  
the third and fourth line  
Then make sure to rhyme the other threesy.

Don’t worry too much what you write.  
We won’t care if you don’t get it right.  
If you pair off “line”  
with a word like, say, “Rhyme”  
We won’t…then again, we might.

No, limericks really aren’t hard  
even if the rhyme scheme is marr’d  
And if you’re a prude,  
who thinks limericks are rude,  
fuck you and your base canard.

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**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/66 "2004-03-15T23:16:52Z")

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Hey, I thought limericks were supposed to incorporate puns!

Like these, which I found in _Playboy_ when I was but a wee lad:

A horny young locksmith named Shore  
Had the hots for his favorite whore  
When the cops came inside  
With a true craftsman’s pride  
He was making a bolt for the door  
When a man queried saleslady Shedd  
As to whether a fully made bed  
Had springs that were quiet  
She answered, “Just try it!”  
As she pulled down the blankets and spread

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**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/67 "2004-03-15T23:35:18Z")

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The bustard’s an elegant fowl  
With minimum reason to howl.  
He escapes what would be  
Illegitimacy  
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.

> **[Nonsense](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsense)**
>
> Nonsense is a communication, via speech, writing, or any other symbolic system, that lacks any coherent meaning.\[citation needed\] Sometimes in ordinary usage, nonsense is synonymous with absurdity or the ridiculous. Many poets, novelists and songwriters have used nonsense in their works, often creating entire works using it for reasons ranging from pure comic amusement or satire, to illustrating a point about language or reasoning. In the philosophy of language and philosophy of science, nonsense...

> [@](#):
>
> There once was a man of St Bees  
> Who was stung in the hand by a wasp;  
> When asked, “Does it hurt?”  
> He replied, “Yes, it does,  
> I’m so glad it wasn’t a hornet.”
> 
> a “limerick” that does not rhyme and is not funny, which makes it funny. The above limerick was actually a parody of Lear’s limericks by **W. S. Gilbert**.

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**Author:** ![Big\_Norse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/big_norse/32/9954_2.png) [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)\
**Post date:** [March 15, 2004, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/68 "2004-03-15T23:48:01Z")

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> [@plnnr](#):
>
> There was a young woman named Alice  
> Who used a stick of dynamite for a phallus.  
> They found her vagina in South Carolina  
> And part of her anus in Dallas.

I have one very similar:

Nymphomanical Jill  
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill  
They found her vagina  
In North Carolina  
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

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**Author:** ![YellowTail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/b5ac83/32.png) [@YellowTail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YellowTail)\
**Post date:** [March 16, 2004, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/69 "2004-03-16T00:44:47Z")

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Two weak attempts:

I once knew a lady with really big tits  
And when I massaged them she’d go into fits  
I didn’t know why  
It got her so high  
Till I found out her nipples were clits

There lives a man named Harry Reams  
Who after dinner serves free creams  
A girl from the south  
Took him in her mouth  
And her head came apart at the seams

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**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\
**Post date:** [March 16, 2004, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/70 "2004-03-16T02:39:28Z")

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The limerick packs jokes anatomical  
Into space that is quite economical  
But the best that we’ve seen  
So seldom are clean,  
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!

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**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\
**Post date:** [March 16, 2004, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/71 "2004-03-16T03:17:01Z")

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A daffy old codger named Lear;  
A Moor who likes not what he hears;  
A hot-blooded Scot,  
And “To be or to not”:  
The four tragedies of Shakespeare!

[sub]Not enough sex? Alright, calm down, you perverts.[/sub]

There once was a girl from Lapland,  
Whose belly began to expand.  
She said, “It’s a baby!”  
Her boyfriend said, “Maybe;  
From now on, we’ll do it by hand!”

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**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\
**Post date:** [March 16, 2004, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/72 "2004-03-16T05:16:38Z")

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There once was a damsel of Chichester  
Who made all the saints in their niches stir!  
One morning at matins  
Her breasts in white satins  
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir!

A noble young knight, hight Sir Lancelot,  
At court would draw glances askance a lot,  
For whenever he’d pass  
A presentable lass,  
The front of his pants would advance a lot!

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![OM\_Waterfall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/51bf81/32.png) [@OM\_Waterfall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OM_Waterfall)\
**Post date:** [March 16, 2004, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/73 "2004-03-16T11:26:39Z")

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This thread inspired me to write two limericks of my own, however, they were so profane and inappropriate I vowed never to share them. That and you really have to know the people I made them up about to understand. But here are two old favourites…

There once was a poet called Lenny  
who would write limericks for a penny  
his lines would rhyme  
and it was all fine  
but whenever he tried to write any  
there was always one line too many

aandd…

There once was a man from Newcastle  
who wrapped up some sh\*\* in a parcel  
he sent it by plane  
with a note to explain  
that it came from my grandmother’s arsehole

Oh and heres one which only the kiwis will get ( I made it up myself!)

Said the man from Aotearoa  
Hi, I’m Dave nice to know ya  
He then asked the ewe  
if she wanted a screw  
and said to the ram may I blow ya?

Now you see why I didnt post my other creations…

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![fighting\_ignorant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ac8455/32.png) [@fighting\_ignorant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fighting_ignorant)\
**Post date:** [March 25, 2004, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/74 "2004-03-25T15:13:25Z")

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> [@peasea](#):
>
> What? I’m not claiming it’s my own. I got it from a collection of math and science jokes called Absolute Zero Infinity, which I highly recommend.

Hey hey, no offense intended…

Perhaps, then… could Cecil have copped the poem from said book? Naaah… musta been a case of parallel evolution.

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**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\
**Post date:** [March 25, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/75 "2004-03-25T18:36:27Z")

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> [@BrainGlutton](#):
>
> Her breasts in white satins

Hmm, isn’t that a Moody Blues song?

I read this one on a toilet wall at school; it’s always been my favorite:

There once was a pirate named Yates  
Who danced the fandango on skates  
He fell on his cutlass  
Which rendered him nutless  
And totally useless on dates.

I’ve seen this one attributed to Lewis Carroll, which I’m sure is apocryphal:

There once was a naughty old lesbian  
Who went to the drug store for cat food  
But the ceiling caved in  
And she died of a stroke  
And no one came to the funeral except the immediate family.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\
**Post date:** [March 25, 2004, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/76 "2004-03-25T18:55:54Z")

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This one won a contest.

Clinton and Lewinsky have shown  
What Kazinsky must always have known  
That an intern is better  
Than a bomb in a letter  
Given the choice of how to be blown.

😃

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\
**Post date:** [March 25, 2004, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/77 "2004-03-25T19:06:14Z")

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\*An impetuous couple named Kelly,  
Now go thru life belly-to-belly,  
Because, in their haste,  
They used library paste,  
Instead of petroleum jelly.

Thus spake the old lady MacGruder,  
To the burglar who finally screwed her,  
“I’m accustomed to candles  
And john-plunger handles,  
So you, sir, are just an intruder.”  
A comely young maid of the Sioux  
Made all the braves holler, “Wioux wioux!”  
But she gave no relief,  
To aught but the chief,  
After both of his balls had turned blioux.  
\*

Regards,  
Shodan

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Bandersnatch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8edcca/32.png) [@Bandersnatch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bandersnatch)\
**Post date:** [March 25, 2004, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/78 "2004-03-25T19:44:12Z")

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Ok, you made me do it.

There was a young man name of Nash  
Who was in a terrible crash.  
But he hadn’t dealt  
with his car’s safety belt.  
so there’s pieces of Nash in the dash.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![robfox68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ee7513/32.png) [@robfox68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robfox68)\
**Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 2:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/79 "2004-03-26T02:49:05Z")

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There once was a hooker from Kew  
Who filled her vagina with glue.  
She said with a grin,  
“They paid to get in;  
They’ll pay to get out of it, too!”

---

<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![ddgryphon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8c91f0/32.png) [@ddgryphon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ddgryphon)\
**Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/80 "2004-03-26T21:27:28Z")

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> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#):
>
> Seems to be the one I posted. I think it works better with bi-sexuals now you mention it, although this is the way I heard it.

Yes, that would be it! I’m sorry I didn’t notice it. Thank you, I’ve wondered about it for years!

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