# Best limmericks (may be offensive) **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** poetry\ **Created:** [March 14, 2004, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176 "2004-03-14T02:36:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/81 "2004-03-26T21:39:56Z")
[Homer] Hickory dickory dock, Two mice ran up the clock; The clock struck one, The other escaped. ummmmm…D’OH![/Homer] ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/82 "2004-03-26T23:20:21Z")
My physical chemistry lab textbook printed this apparently anonymous limerick: Simon Langley invented the bolometer, Which is really a kind of thermometer That can measure the heat Of a polar bear’s seat At a distance of half a kilometer. ---
**Author:** ![carterba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85e7bf/32.png) [@carterba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carterba)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/83 "2004-03-27T00:13:37Z")
No mention of Thomas Pynchon in this thread? There once was a thing called a V-2, To pilot which you did not need to– You just pushed a button, And it would leave nuttin’ But stiffs and big holes and debris, too. There was a young fellow named Crockett, Who had an affair with a rocket. If you saw them out there You’d be tempted to stare, But if you ain’t tried it, don’t knock it! There was a young fellow named Pope, Who plugged into an oscilloscope. The cyclical trace Of their carnal embrace Had a damn nearly infinite slope. There once was a fellow named Ritter, Who slept with a guidance transmitter. It shriveled his cock, Which fell off in his sock, And made him exceedingly bitter. There once was a fellow named Schoreder, Who buggered the vane servomotor. He soon grew a prong On the end of his schlong, And hired himself a promoter. There was a young man from Decatur, Who slept with a LOX generator. His balls and his prick Froze solid real quick, And his asshole a little bit later. etc, etc. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/84 "2004-03-27T01:14:25Z")
There was a young man from Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out of clay The heat from his dick Turned it into a brick Which rasped all his foreskin away ---
**Author:** ![Tenebras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/977dab/32.png) [@Tenebras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenebras)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/85 "2004-03-27T03:11:46Z")
The perfidious Lemma of Dehn Was ev’ry topologist’s bane, 'till Christos Pa- pakyriako- poulous proved it without any strain. – J. Milnor Integral z squared dz from one to the cube root of three times the cosine of three pie over nine equals log of the cube root of e. There once was a mathematician who enjoyed an exotic position. 'twas the joy of his life to achieve with his wife topologically complex coition. A clever young man from Racine made a masturbation machine. But on the first stroke the goddamn thing broke and beat both his balls to a cream. There once was a fellow from Limerick who was incapable of writing a limerick. When asked why this was, he said, “It’s because I’m actually from a few miles away in Cork, and there isn’t a poem called a Cork.” ---
**Author:** ![CC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f1d935/32.png) [@CC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CC)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/86 "2013-05-17T15:46:56Z")
And these two alternatives to this one - There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex it could serve either sex - But, oh, what a bastard to clean. Or - With a cup underneath for the cream Or - And played with itself in between. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/87 "2013-05-17T16:01:11Z")
There once was an old limerick thread And everyone thought it was dead But **CC** revived it With a new obscene bit Maybe _next_ time, we’ll fill it with lead ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/88 "2013-05-17T16:19:39Z")
A mathematician named Klein thought the Möbius strip was divine Said he, if you glue the edges of two, You get a weird bottle like mine. ---
**Author:** ![Damfino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Damfino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Damfino)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2013, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/89 "2013-05-17T23:25:46Z")
There was a young man of Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds Great tufts of grass Sprouted out of his arse And his cock was covered with weeds, And one by Dr A There was a young woman of Decatur Who went on a trip on a freighter She was screwed by the master An utter disaster But the crew made up for it later! ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/90 "2013-05-18T00:27:24Z")
> **[Best Limerick Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=66710)** > > IMHO— this is tops for overall silliness… At breakfast one day in Calcutta Was a man with a bit of a stutta He said, “Pass the h-ham And the j-j-j-jam And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta.” ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/91 "2013-05-18T00:42:05Z")
In the musical vein: There once was a man from Iraq Who had mandolin strings in his jock With his erections He’d play you selections From Bethoven, Mozart, and Bach There once was a young man from Sparta Who was a prodigious farter On the gas from one bean He’d do “God Save the Queen” And Bethovens Moonlight Sonatta. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_A.Robrin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sam_a.robrin/32/14497_2.png) [@Sam\_A.Robrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_A.Robrin)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/92 "2013-05-18T01:52:32Z")
I don’t know if it’s “meta,” exactly, but There once were two cats of Kilkenny. Each thought that was one cat too many. So they fought and they fit And they scratched and they bit Till –Excepting their nails And the tips of their tails– instead of two cats, there weren’t any does make a departure from standard form. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2013, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/93 "2013-05-18T01:58:55Z")
One I read from Asimov a long time ago: On Saturn, the sexes are three, Which makes it quite awkward, you see; For performing _con brio_ Requires a trio (And it even takes two for a pee). ---
**Author:** ![jojo2hot4u](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/958977/32.png) [@jojo2hot4u](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jojo2hot4u)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2026, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/94 "2026-01-11T09:08:21Z")
that one is an oldie but goodie, my brain is going faster than i can type thinking of the added versus we made up it was ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2026, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/95 "2026-01-14T16:29:48Z")
Deliverance There was a young actor named Ned Who should have stayed home in his bed But he went canoeing Didn’t know what he was doing And wound up getting buttf\*cked instead ---
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [January 17, 2026, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/96 "2026-01-17T17:20:41Z")
This was in the Washington Post at the time: Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2026, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/97 "2026-01-21T12:19:53Z")
This one you have to recite as though you’re Christopher Plummer: A vice both bizarre and unsavoury Held the Bishop of Chester in slavery: With bestial howls He deflowered young owls In an underground, velvet-lined, aviary. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2026, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/98 "2026-01-21T12:23:12Z")
> [@PookahMacPhellimey](#): > > And they argued all night, > About who had the right, > To do this that and the other, and to whom. The version I know ends “To do what, which way up, and to whom” ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2026, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/99 "2026-01-21T13:50:33Z")
There was this tough broad in San Quentin, With a cooter you could pitch a tent in When her legs were crossed You’d be totally lost Until the trained bloodhounds were sent in. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2026, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176/100 "2026-01-23T16:31:26Z")
A brash young Parisian named Blaise Smeared his body with warm mayonnaise. I’d tell you the rest, 'Cause the punchline’s the best, _Mais je ne parle pas bien le Francaise!_ On Serenity, the Firefly they flew, Reynolds had quite the archetypal crew Dirty vicar (How old!) Hooker with heart of gold, A Bat Durston, Doc, three Mary Sue(s)! Political realities at work Will drive many a smart man quite berserk Those who understand “how” Serve those who know “why,” now— And so Spock is subord’nate to Kirk! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-limmericks-may-be-offensive/234176.md?page=6)