# Best line in a Western? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 4, 2010, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279 "2010-05-04T13:48:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/101 "2010-05-07T17:29:47Z")
Bart: Are we awake? Jim: We’re not sure. Are we… black? Bart: Yes, we are. Jim: Then we’re awake… but we’re very puzzled Blazing Saddles ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/102 "2010-05-07T23:36:03Z")
> [@ducati](#): > > Bart: Are we awake? > Jim: We’re not sure. Are we… black? > Bart: Yes, we are. > Jim: Then we’re awake… but we’re very puzzled > > Blazing Saddles Bart: What do you like to do? Jim: Screw … play chess. Bart: Let’s play chess. ---
**Author:** ![Labtrash](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/labtrash/32/528_2.png) [@Labtrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labtrash)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2010, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/103 "2010-05-07T23:42:28Z")
Taggart: What do you want me to do, sir? Hedley Lamarr: I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gunslinger in the west. Take this down. [Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks] Hedley Lamarr: I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists. Taggart: [finding pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir? or Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes! ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/104 "2010-05-08T00:02:36Z")
Also from _Once Upon a Time in the West_: **Frank:** How can you trust a man who wears both a belt and suspenders? The man can’t even trust his own pants. **Frank:** What do you want? Who are you? **Harmonica:** Dave Jenkins. **Frank:** Dave Jenkins is dead a long time ago. **Harmonica:** Calder Benson. **Frank:** What’s \*your \*name? Benson’s dead, too. **Harmonica:** You should know, Frank, better than anyone. You killed them. **Jill:** What’s he waiting for out there? What’s he doing? **Cheyenne:** He’s whittlin’ on a piece of wood. I’ve got a feeling when he stops whittlin’… Somethin’s gonna happen. \*\*Cheyenne: \*\*Hey, Harmonica - when they do you in, pray it’s somebody who knows \*where \*to shoot… Go away… go away… go away, I don’t want you to see me die. ---
**Author:** ![Starving\_Artist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@Starving\_Artist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starving_Artist)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/105 "2010-05-08T00:03:29Z")
My favorite line is from a western TV show, _Have Gun - Will Travel_, and said indirectly to the abusive father of a young boy who wanted to go to school over his father’s objections. [Link](http://www.hgwt.com/school.mp3) It’s fun imagining the thoughts going through the father’s mind. You know he doesn’t want to back down in front of his son, but he doesn’t want reaching for his gun to be the last thing he ever knows either. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/106 "2010-05-08T03:09:05Z")
Hans in _The Professionals_: “I hate the desert. It’s got no…pity” (collapses). ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/107 "2010-05-08T15:05:09Z")
Jim: [consoling Bart] What did you expect? “Welcome, sonny”? “Make yourself at home”? “Marry my daughter”? You’ve got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know… morons. **Blazing Saddles** really is in a class by itself. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/108 "2010-05-08T15:23:22Z")
_The Magnificent Seven_ has a lot of great lines. Vin: “We deal in lead, friend.” (A shot whizzes past Chris’ head, hitting his cigar) Vin: “You elected?” Chris: “No, but I got nominated real good.” [Britt has just shot a fleeing bandit off his horse] Chico: “That was the greatest shot I’ve ever seen!” Britt: “The worst! I was aiming at the horse.” Britt: “Nobody throws me my own guns and says run. Nobody.” ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/109 "2010-05-08T17:20:31Z")
> [@teela\_brown](#): > > From _No Country For Old Men_, the sheriff: > > “Well, if it ain’t a mess, it’ll do 'till one shows up.” I think the line is “…If it ain’t, it’ll do 'til the mess gets here.” Sorry for nitpicking but I was going to mention this one myself. . ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/110 "2010-05-08T17:26:13Z")
> [@Emily\_Litella](#): > > [Cole Younger and Sam Starr are about to fight over Belle] > Cole Younger: What does the winner get? > Belle Starr: Nothin’ both of you ain’t already had. > Cole Younger: Don’t hardly seem worth it. > Belle Starr: It ain’t. You’re both crazy, but you do keep me amused. I am having a _real_ good time. > > - **The Long Riders** Only one other person quotes my favorite western. For me, the best line is Cole’s matter-of-fact understatement to the stagecoach driver: “I would toss that shotgun away.” . ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/111 "2010-05-08T18:52:54Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > All of Silverado is finely crafted. My favourite line from _Silverado_, by Sheriff Cobb: "We’re going to give you a fair trial, followed by a first class hanging. " ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/112 "2010-05-08T19:51:43Z")
“Not hardly” John Wayne, several movies. Richard Boone: “Jake McCandless? I heard you was dead.” Wayne: “Not hardly.” ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/113 "2010-05-09T09:32:53Z")
“Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining.” **Josey Wales** “Hangin’ is any man’s business that’s around.” **The Ox Bow Incident** “I couldn’t do that! Could you do that? How can THEY do that?! Who are those guys?” **Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid** “Such ingratitude, after all the times I’ve saved your life.” **The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly** Already mentioned, but my favorite line from\*\* Blazing Saddles\*\*. Taggart: “LePetomaine Freeway”? Aw, what’ll that asshole think of next? [turns to the posse] Taggart: Has anybody got a dime? [henchmen grumble, search their pockets] Taggart: Somebody’s gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes! ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/114 "2010-05-09T14:28:07Z")
## John Wayne as John Simpson **Chisum** : Neemo: So if you want these horses, I sell them to you. Did you bring some gold with you? John Simpson Chisum: No. Neemo: Silver? John Simpson Chisum: Just lead! ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/115 "2010-05-09T16:58:35Z")
“Above all, forgive me for the men I’ve killed in anger… and those I am _about_ to.” - Jebediah Nightlinger, _The Cowboys_ ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/116 "2010-05-09T19:33:09Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Being someone’s Huckleberry is to be their true friend. > [worldwidewords.org](http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-huc1.htm) So that’s where that “Huckleberry friend” line in Andy Williams’ \*Moon River \*came from. I declare. Now, speaking of throwing another LOG on the fire, I remember, in Howard Hawks’ 1948 _Red River_, at about 29 minutes in, John Ireland as Cherry (!)(Vallanche saying to Montgomery Clift (in his first movie) as Matthew Garth, "That’s a good-lookin’ gun you were about to use back there. Can I see It? [Monty scratches his nose and gives a knowing smirk, saying nothing, hands his revolver to John who says] “Maybe you’d like to see mine.” and hands it to Monty. John says, “Nice, awful nice. You know, there are only two things more beautiful than a good gun-a Swiss watch or a woman from anywhere. Have you ever had a good Swiss watch?” ---
**Author:** ![zbuzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e19b73/32.png) [@zbuzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zbuzz)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/117 "2010-05-09T21:45:37Z")
“I never shake hands with a left-handed draw.” Johnny Guitar ---
**Author:** ![RikWriter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/49beb7/32.png) [@RikWriter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RikWriter)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2010, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/118 "2010-05-09T22:31:09Z")
Cole Thornton: “What about learning to use a gun?” Mississippi: “Johnny didn’t believe in guns. He thought…” Cole Thornton: “He’s dead. Think about that.”—El Dorado. ---
**Author:** ![movingfinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@movingfinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/movingfinger)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2010, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/119 "2010-05-10T06:01:03Z")
From _The Magnificent Seven_: “I never rode shotgun on a hearse before.” Eli Wallach philosophizing about his plundering of the poor farm village: “It might even be sacriledge not to rob them. If God had not wanted them to be shorn he would not have made them sheep.” The poor farmers in the saloon, looking for some bad gunfighters to hire. One suggests a man he sees who has a facial scar. The other farmer says, “We want the man who gave him that scar.” In \*Big Country \*Gregory Peck is an Eastern dude determined to learn how to ride an unbroken horse, with the very reluctant assistance of one of the ranch hands. He is about to mount up and asks if the hand has any advice. “Yes.” “What is it?” “Don’t do eet!” ---
**Author:** ![D18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@D18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D18)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2010, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279/120 "2010-05-11T00:17:13Z")
Read the whole thread, and unless I missed it, nobody’s mentioned from The Shootist: _John Bernard Books: I’m a dying man, scared of the dark._ Considering it was Wayne’s last role, it took on particular poignancy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-line-in-a-western/538279.md?page=7)