# Best movie monologues! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 5, 2001, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673 "2001-06-05T14:18:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Heloise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e36b37/32.png) [@Heloise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heloise)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2001, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/61 "2001-06-08T22:42:23Z")
It’s the St. Crispins’ speech that gets me hot, but the others are close in the running! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/62 "2001-06-09T03:51:54Z")
I’ve got a couple. Don’t remember the first one, but Brad Duriff’s rant in _ **The Exorcist III** _, where he stops and looks at George C. Scott and says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I raving again?” Another favorite one is in _ **The Wrath of Khan** _ where Kirk is desperately trying to whip a rabbit out of his ass and is lecturing Lt. Saavik: Kirk: You have to know why things work on a starship. Spock: Each ship has its own combination code. Kirk: To prevent an enemy from doing what we’re attempting. To use our console to order _Reliant_ to lower her shields. Love using that on people when I’m explaining how this or that’s supposed to work on their computer or other thing. Totally weird’s them out. Or the scenes in _ **American Beauty** _ where Lester’s talking to Brad, the new boss. Won’t post them here as I don’t remember them all, but I would love to use his, “How 'bout I throw in a little sexual harassment to boot.” routine at work one day! ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/63 "2001-06-09T05:01:19Z")
Jack Nicholson as the Devil in The Witches of Eastwick, doing his “women” monologue. > [@](#): > > Do you think God knew what he was doing when he created women? Or do you think it was just another of his minor mistakes–like tidal waves, earthquakes, floods…When we make mistakes, they call it evil; God makes mistakes, they call it nature. A mistake? Or did he do it to us on purpose? Because if it’s a mistake, maybe we can do something about it–find a cure; invent a vaccine; build up our immune system. ---
**Author:** ![Folkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecccb3/32.png) [@Folkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folkie)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/64 "2001-06-09T05:27:15Z")
Gabriel Byrne describing his dream (a literal dream, not a hope for the future) in MILLER’S CROSSING. “There’s nothing more ridiculous than a man chasing his hat,” which is the theme of the movie. Frederic March in THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES. He’s a banker who has just returned to work after fighting in WW2. On his first day back he is ordered to turn down a veteran who is applying for a house loan - the man has no collaterol. There is a dinner that night in March’s honor and his boss asks him to talk about his war experiences. Half drunk he gets up and says (approximately): “I remember one time my captain said to me ‘sergeant, we have to take that hill.’ I said: ‘Yes sir, what’s the collaterol?’ He said ‘What collaterol? There’s no collaterol.’ I said: ‘sorry, Captain. No collaterol, no hill.’ So we didn’t take the hill. And that’s how we lost the war. Thank you very much.” The beginning of THAT SINKING FEELING. The hero, an unemployed young Scot is addressing a statue in a Glasgow park, talking about the responsibilities they share, seeing that the man the statue was based on had wealth and titles and the Scot had, well, several O levels. It is one of the funniest, bitterist, speeches I know. Peter Riegert at the end of CROSSING DELANCEY telling Amy Irving why he stayed when she stood him up for their date. “I even said a brucha. I said the brucha for planting new trees. I don’t know why.” Sir Thomas More (who the hell was the actor?) in A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS: “When a man takes an oath he holds himself in his hands. If he opens his hands then he need never expect to find himself again.” (approximately.) Woody Allen’s monologues to the camera in ANNIE HALL. I was going to add the gold watch from PULP FICTION, but someone beat me to it. And I’m glad I’m not the only one who remembers that scene from ABSENCE OF MALICE. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/65 "2001-06-09T05:46:42Z")
No time to read this feast but enough time to be opinionated. One movie only - “Badlands”, virtually any bit of Holly’s voiceover you like. Cissie Spacek flat and deadpan, and in places with the visuals it’s so damn droll. HOLLY (v.o.): My mother died of pneumonia when I was just a kid. My father had kept their wedding cake in the freezer for ten whole years. After the funeral he gave it to the yardman… He tried to act cheerful, but he could never be consoled by the little stranger he found in his house. Then, one day, hoping to begin a new life away from the scene of all his memories, he moved us from Texas to Ft. Dupree, South Dakota. HOLLY (v.o.): Kit made a solemn vow that he would always stand beside me and let nothing come between us. He wrote this out in writing, put the paper in a box with some of our little tokens and things, then sent it off in a balloon he’d found while on the garbage route. (pause) His heart was filled with longing as he watched it drift off. Something must’ve told him that we’d never live these days of happiness again, that they were gone forever. HOLLY (v.o.): Kit and I were taken back to South Dakota. They kept him in solitary, so he didn’t have a chance to get acquainted with the other inmates, though he was sure they’d like him, especially the murderers. Myself, I got off with probation and a lot of nasty looks. Later I married the son of the lawyer who defended me. (pause) Kit went to sleep in the courtroom while his confession was being read, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. On a warm spring night, six months later, after donating his body to science, he did. No just treat yourself - see the movie. Or [http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/8415/badlands.html](http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/8415/badlands.html) ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/66 "2001-06-09T06:11:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Folkie \* > \*\*Sir Thomas More (who the hell was the actor?) \*\* Paul Scofield, one of my favorite actors. (And _A Man for All Seasons_ is a great movie. :)) ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2001, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/67 "2001-06-09T12:01:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Yankee Blue \* > \*\*I also have to go with James Stewart’s monologue in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. \*\* Seconded. Another for me would be Henry II’s monologue about his sons (“He had three whiskered things, but he disowned them”) in The Lion in Winter. **Katisha** beat me to posting Henry V’s speech before Agincourt as well… ---
**Author:** ![Folkie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecccb3/32.png) [@Folkie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folkie)\ **Post date:** [June 10, 2001, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/68 "2001-06-10T17:01:11Z")
Ooh! I forgot! Robert Stack at the end of Airplane speaking through a microphone to (what he doesn’t know is) an empty cockpit. “Have you ever fallen to the ground and been kicked in the face by an iron boot? Of course not. Nobody has. Forget I asked…I’m talking municipal bonds here!” etc. Gene Wilder in The Producers, the speech that ends: “I want… I want… I want everything I’ve seen on TV!” And then the fountains come on. Lovely… ---
**Author:** ![HelloKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecccb3/32.png) [@HelloKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelloKitty)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/69 "2001-06-11T03:06:26Z")
Sally Field only needed one word in her most famous movie monologue: **"UNION"** ---
**Author:** ![Nanook\_of\_the\_North\_Shore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bc8723/32.png) [@Nanook\_of\_the\_North\_Shore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nanook_of_the_North_Shore)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2001, 6:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/70 "2001-06-11T06:33:39Z")
> [@](#): > > The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again. Oh people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come. ``` -Terrence Mann, as portrayed by James Earl Jones *Field of Dreams* ``` I love that movie so much, and baseball is and always will be my favorite sport. This one just gets me right there. ---
**Author:** ![Spoonbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spoonbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoonbender)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/71 "2001-06-12T14:38:50Z")
In the category of disturbing, but well-acted, monologues, I’d like to add **Ralph Fiennes** in _Schindler’s List_, the scene where he tries to “seduce” - if that’s the word - his Jewish servant, Helen. “I know you’re not a person in the strictest sense of the word…” \ Also, **Liam Neeson’s** speech at the end of the movie: “I could have gotten one more person…” I’d also second the Alec Baldwin monologue from _Glengarry Glen Ross_, that was brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![puddleglum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puddleglum/32/137_2.png) [@puddleglum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puddleglum)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/72 "2001-06-12T14:59:16Z")
The Moonlight Graham monologue from Field of Dreams: > [@](#): > > Well, you know I… I never got to bat in the major leagues. I would have liked to have had that chance. Just once. To stare down a big league pitcher. To stare him down, and just as he goes into his windup, wink. Make him think you know something he doesn’t. That’s what I wish for. Chance to squint at a sky so blue that it hurts your eyes just to look at it. To feel the tingling in your arm as you connect with the ball. To run the bases – stretch a double into a triple, and flop face-first into third, wrap your arms around the bag. That’s my wish, Ray Kinsella. That’s my wish. And is there enough magic out there in the moonlight to make this dream come true? ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/73 "2001-06-12T16:13:10Z")
Here’s a few: Jake Brigance’s (played by Matthew McConaughey) summation scene from “A Time to Kill” It was just excellent. I understand he did it in one take. Darkness’ (Tim Curry) final scene from Legend “I am a part of you all…” I couldn’t find the complete speech. Dr. Jed Hill (Alec Baldwin) from Malice “I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.” There were a few goodies in “The Usual Suspects” but I don’t remember them word for word. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/74 "2001-06-12T18:39:41Z")
How 'bout the Dr. Evil speech from the first Austin Powers? It’s so ridiculous, I love it. - Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_John](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@Spider\_John](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_John)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/75 "2001-06-12T19:07:59Z")
Matthew Broderick, near the beginning of Ferris Bueller’s Day off; I do have a test today that wasn’t bullshit It’s on European Socialism… I mean, what’s the point? I’m not European. I don’t plan on being European. So who gives a crap if their socialist? They could be fascist anarchists for all I care It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a car. Its not that I’m against socialism; “ism’s,” in my opinion, are not good I quote the late John Lennon, who said “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” He’s got a point there After all, he was the Walrus I could be the Walrus, but I’d still have to bum rides off people. ---
**Author:** ![monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monster)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/76 "2001-06-12T19:31:49Z")
I love the end of “The Color Purple” when Celie is telling Mister that she’s leaving. Of course, I can’t for the life of me recall it word for word. But my favorite part is when she’s outside, getting into the car. She puts up her hand and tells him, “Everything you done to me…already done to you.” Tears me up every time. ---
**Author:** ![Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de053/32.png) [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackknifed_Juggernaut)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2001, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/77 "2001-06-12T19:53:19Z")
I can’t believe that no one’s mentioned the 2 famous Nicolas Cage quotes from VAMPIRE’S KISS: -“Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You’re the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn’t ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That’s right, Alva. It’s a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn’t think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I’ll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.” -Also, the monologue in which he reels off the alphabet to the psychiatrist. Anyone who’s seen it will remember it. M. Emmett Walsh in BLOOD SIMPLE: “The world is full of complainers. But the fact is, nothing comes with a guarantee. I don’t care if you’re the Pope of Rome, President of the United States or Man of the Year, something can all go wrong. But go ahead, complain, tell your problems to your neighbor, ask for help, and watch him fly. Now in Russia, they got it all mapped out so that everyone pulls for everyone else. That’s the theory anyway. But what I know about is Texas, and down here… you’re on your own.” Ewan McGregor in TRAINSPOTTING on his alternative view of heroin: “People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shite, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t do it. After all, we’re not fucking stupid. At least, we’re not that fucking stupid. Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you’re still nowhere near it. When you’re on junk you have only one worry: scoring. When you’re off it you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shite. Got no money: can’t get pished. Got money: drinking too much. Can’t get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins, about human relationships and all the things that really don’t matter when you’ve got a sincere and truthful junk habit.” ---
**Author:** ![City\_Gent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a87d85/32.png) [@City\_Gent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/City_Gent)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2001, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/78 "2001-06-13T00:27:29Z")
Blazing Saddles (1974) Harvey Korman as Hedley Lamarr: > [@](#): > > I want rustlers, cutthroats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Methodists! ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2001, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673/79 "2001-06-13T02:39:35Z")
Someone mentioned that they had some trouble thinking of great monologues spoken by females… Vivian Leigh, _Gone with the Wind_: > [@](#): > > As God is my witness, as God is my witness they’re not going to lick me! I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again! No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill! As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again! Marisa Tomei in [My Cousin Vinnie\*: > [@](#): > > "Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water - BAM! A fuckin’ bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?! Julia Roberts, _Erin Brockovitch_: > [@](#): > > These people don’t dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying that they’ll have to have a hysterectomy at the age of twenty. Like Rosa Diaz, a client of ours. Or have their spine deteriorate, like Stan Blume, another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr. Walker. Or what you might expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Ms. Sanchez. Then you take out your calculator and you multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time. (Ms. Sanchez picks up a glass of water.) By the way, we had that water brought in especially for you folks. Came from a well in Hinkley. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-movie-monologues/67673.md?page=3)