# Best newspaper headline puns **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 3, 2002, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796 "2002-09-03T13:09:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/1 "2002-09-03T13:09:09Z")
From an article on the rave scene in Manchester: _The Mancunian candidate_ From an article on a week at City Hall beginning with a funding hike for the ailing bus system: _Sick transit’s glorious Monday_. ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/2 "2002-09-03T13:46:47Z")
From a Detroit News article a few years about the new no-smoking policy at Tiger Stadium, where the attendance (coincidentally) had been low for the last few years - _Tigers: No butts in stadium seats_ My dad wrote that one, so I’m probably biased. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/3 "2002-09-03T14:09:24Z")
I gotta hand it to the _New York Post_, who ran this headline when Fred Astaire died: **Taps for Fred Astaire**. I just wish, when Gloria Swanson had cashed in, that someone had had the wit to run **Sic Transit Glora Swanson**. ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/4 "2002-09-03T15:04:21Z")
Two British ones: When minnows Caledonian Thistle beat scottish football giants Celtic: Super Cally go balistic, Celtic are atrocious. And from when the then Lady Diana was courting the Prince of Wales, he fell off his horse playing polo and she ran to comfort him: Di ran at sore-arsed Rex. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/5 "2002-09-03T15:36:24Z")
My single favourite appeared in either _Time_ or _Newsweek_. It was a short (negative) review for the 1988 Burt Reynolds/Kathleen Turner comedy \*[Switching Channels\*](http://us.imdb.com/Title?0096203). The movie is a remake of \*[His Girl Friday\*](http://us.imdb.com/Title?0032599) (1940), with the reporters moved from a newspaper to a television station. The headline: Weakened Update I’ve always suspected the reviewer deliberately panned the movie so he could use that headline. A close second is the various uses of “UnPresidented” immediately after the 2000 election. ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/6 "2002-09-03T15:41:08Z")
British local newspaper reporting on a football match, where Exeter City were beaten by a late goal from Reading’s German striker Uwe Hartenburger, who had come into the game as a substitute player – “Exeter sunk by German sub” Here’s one that is quite possibly an urban legend, but sticks in my mind nonetheless. It concerns an escaped patient from a secure ward at a psychiatric hospital, who rapes two laundry workers and flees the scene – “Nut screws washers and bolts” ---
**Author:** ![hawthorne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@hawthorne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hawthorne)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/7 "2002-09-03T15:45:40Z")
Virgin Blue airline’s executive is given the power by its board to acquire $A 3.6 b in new aircraft: [Virgin given head](http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s634451.htm). [Ignore that swish city unit - I’m a country member says Costa](http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s533527.htm) ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/8 "2002-09-03T15:47:17Z")
Headline in today’s _Chicago Tribune_ on an article regarding the decline of full-body tattoos in Japan: **Japan’s full-body tattoos a dyeing art amid scorn** ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/9 "2002-09-03T18:45:20Z")
In a local newspaper: “Muslims Prey in America” I assumed it was an accident, and was supposed to be “Pray”. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/10 "2002-09-03T19:09:13Z")
My all-time favorite, in the NY Times, believe it or not: for Salvador Dali’s obit. “So long, Dali, it’s been surreal.” ---
**Author:** ![Rayne\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/df705f/32.png) [@Rayne\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rayne_Man)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/11 "2002-09-03T19:18:13Z")
This is supposed to be from WW1 : ``` " French Push Bottles Up Germans ". ``` I think this this was unintentional but it makes a good headline. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/12 "2002-09-03T20:32:51Z")
For my high school newspaper, the editor wrote this headline for a soft article on Astrology: Do Heavenly Bodies Influence the Actions of Men? I assumed it was intentional, but she never admitted it. ---
**Author:** ![ShibbOleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@ShibbOleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShibbOleth)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/13 "2002-09-03T20:39:01Z")
For my high school newspaper, the editor wrote this headline for a soft article on Astrology: Do Heavenly Bodies Influence the Actions of Men? I assumed it was intentional, but she never admitted it. ---
**Author:** ![FisherQueen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/58f4c7/32.png) [@FisherQueen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FisherQueen)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2002, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/14 "2002-09-03T21:52:26Z")
In the Chillicothe Gazette (Ohio): “Investigators Probe Cause of Student Rashes” I had to read it again to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/15 "2002-09-04T03:31:19Z")
“British Left Waffles On Falklands.” “Scotland Yard Seizes Bad Czech.” ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/16 "2002-09-04T04:26:46Z")
Not puns, but… Seattle sports headline for UW vs Oregon women’s basketball game: “Husky women stomp Ducks” San Francisco radio - musical background to Alex Bennett’s Radio Obituaries when Margaret Hamilton died - “Ding Dong the Witch is dead”… I almost drove off the side of the 101! ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 9:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/17 "2002-09-04T09:45:23Z")
There was a famous British explorer called Dr Fuchs. He is behind the wonderful: Dr Fuchs off to the Artic again. ---
**Author:** ![madcat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@madcat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madcat)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/18 "2002-09-04T12:49:39Z")
In my high school paper (The Glen Bard) on a story about a teacher’s musical instrument building hobby: _Bard Biologist Erects Organ In Basement_ ---
**Author:** ![clayton\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c57346/32.png) [@clayton\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clayton_e)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/19 "2002-09-04T14:12:12Z")
There was a terrible one in my local paper last year on September 12th… “The Mourning After” grumble grumble… ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2002, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796/20 "2002-09-04T14:28:10Z")
So I’m working for a political publisher a few years ago, right? We run a story about a poll that contrasts President Clinton and GWB. The story shows that Clinton would beat GWB handily in a general election. One of our junior editors got away with this headline: ‘Clinton licks younger Bush’ I thought the publisher was going to have a heart attack. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-newspaper-headline-puns/126796.md?page=2)