# Best of "Penile Injuries" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 2, 2017, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122 "2017-01-02T02:14:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/1 "2017-01-02T02:14:44Z")
In conjunction with the post [post=19877379]Inserts[/post] about various items inserted (and hopefully removed) from various orifices I bring you an annual culling of “Greatest Hits”. > **[What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?](https://deadspin.com/what-horrible-things-did-we-do-to-our-penises-last-year-1790335656)** > > OK, so you’ve already learned about all the things we shoved inside ourselves last year. But what about our dangly bits? Rest assured, we punished them. An example: “SORES ON HIS PENIS 6 DAYS BEGAN AFTER HE SPRAYED LIDOCAINE SPRAY ON PENIS TO PROLONG ERECTION” :eek: At the end is bonus linking to previous years happenings. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/2 "2017-01-02T02:22:21Z")
Many of those incidents in the link sounded like legitimate accidents, and I personally wonder how many of those victims were children. For some reason, it reminded me of this (SFW) which I watched earlier today. TL : DW - this man and his daughter, who is about 10 years old are at the Alcatraz East true crime museum, and he’s reading a sign on a display about Al Capone. The camera cuts out just as his daughter asks him, “Daddy, what’s syphilis?” [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/mgwtum_NPdo/maxresdefault.jpg "Alcatraz East") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgwtum_NPdo) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/3 "2017-01-02T02:34:37Z")
> [@smithsb](#): > > An example: “SORES ON HIS PENIS 6 DAYS BEGAN AFTER HE SPRAYED LIDOCAINE SPRAY ON PENIS TO PROLONG ERECTION” :eek: I’m female and this had me crossing my legs. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/4 "2017-01-02T03:59:36Z")
The words “Best” and “Penile Injuries” do not belong in close proximity. And certainly not in the same sentence. Have had injuries to penis (and testicles). Extremely not fun. (All working well now, though) ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/5 "2017-01-02T04:28:34Z")
I’m not clicking, but I’ve got two words to contribute: Button Fly. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/6 "2017-01-02T04:36:21Z")
Did you know there is a machine that uses suction to pick radishes and cut off the stem? I didn’t until I started working ER. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/7 "2017-01-02T04:54:41Z")
Nothing good can come from this. ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/8 "2017-01-02T05:00:38Z")
> [@](#): > > LACERATED PENIS ON WRISTWATCH [Groucho] Why the watch had a penis I’ll never know.[/groucho] ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 10:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/9 "2017-01-02T10:44:57Z")
Is it just me, or does everyone have trouble believing all of the reasons that start like “was jumping while holding X. X went into scrotum” ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/10 "2017-01-02T13:45:53Z")
I don’t remember if I’ve told this story here before. If I have, apologies for the repeat. In the late 70s, I was an EMT working for a private ambulance company. We were at a local hospital here in Houston waiting to pick up a patient for transfer to a nursing home when Houston EMS rolled in hot and offloaded a male screaming in utter agony. They ran him into the back and a while later, one of the paramedics came out. I asked him what that was all about. Turns out the patient was a 60+ year old guy who had gotten drunk and hooked up with a young hottie, When it came time to perform, he couldn’t. So to help out, he inserted a fever thermometer up his johnson. A glass one. And it broke. One of the ER docs was charting nearby. After we all got through wincing/chuckling, he went behind the counter and pulled out a folder full of x-rays for our viewing pleasure. Seems they kept copies of the most “interesting” x-rays taken in the ER. I was not aware of how many different things could be shoved up the human butt, or vagina, or penis. :eek::eek: ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/11 "2017-01-02T16:07:53Z")
Oh, **Clothahump** , I can’t imagine that one! Besides possible cutting from broken glass, the mercury certainly wasn’t doing him any good. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/12 "2017-01-02T20:22:04Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Is it just me, or does everyone have trouble believing all of the reasons that start like “was jumping while holding X. X went into scrotum” This is why I suspect a lot of them were children. That, I can believe. Adults, not so much. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/13 "2017-01-02T20:25:27Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > I don’t remember if I’ve told this story here before. If I have, apologies for the repeat. > > In the late 70s, I was an EMT working for a private ambulance company. We were at a local hospital here in Houston waiting to pick up a patient for transfer to a nursing home when Houston EMS rolled in hot and offloaded a male screaming in utter agony. They ran him into the back and a while later, one of the paramedics came out. > > I asked him what that was all about. Turns out the patient was a 60+ year old guy who had gotten drunk and hooked up with a young hottie, When it came time to perform, he couldn’t. So to help out, he inserted a fever thermometer up his johnson. A glass one. And it broke. > > One of the ER docs was charting nearby. After we all got through wincing/chuckling, he went behind the counter and pulled out a folder full of x-rays for our viewing pleasure. Seems they kept copies of the most “interesting” x-rays taken in the ER. I was not aware of how many different things could be shoved up the human butt, or vagina, or penis. :eek::eek: This is one of my favorite books, and was a big best-seller in the early 1970s. One of the stories in it was the one about the guy who picked up a girl at a bar, and since he was majorly drunk, he couldn’t perform, so she stuck a swizzle stick into his urethra. :eek: Not only was this extremely painful, they couldn’t pull it out, so to the ER he went. :smack: > **[The Making of a Surgeon: William A. Nolen, M.D.: 9780394434476: Amazon.com:...](https://www.amazon.com/Making-Surgeon-M-D-William-Nolen/dp/0394434471)** > > The Making of a Surgeon \[William A. Nolen, M.D.\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. The Making of a Surgeon ---
**Author:** ![Spiderman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiderman/32/230_2.png) [@Spiderman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiderman)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/14 "2017-01-02T20:26:56Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > This is why I suspect a lot of them were children. That, I can believe. Adults, not so much. I can, adults can be real stoopit dicks. d & r ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/15 "2017-01-02T20:39:01Z")
> [@Spiderman](#): > > I can, adults can be real stoopit dicks. > > d & r I’m coming from the angle of an adult saying it happened that way, and that in the case of little boys, it really did. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/16 "2017-01-02T20:48:30Z")
Some of them were clearly kids. “Dad said” or “Mom said” being featured. Others just get an “eyeroll” (and wince) from me. Yeesh. Makes a person glad to be female. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/17 "2017-01-02T20:50:14Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > This is why I suspect a lot of them were children. That, I can believe. Adults, not so much. I was thinking the opposite. They seem like the “So I was vacuuming in the nude and I slipped and landed with my penis stuck in the nozzle, and that’s how it happened” type of excuses. ---
**Author:** ![Zeke\_N.Destroi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4af34b/32.png) [@Zeke\_N.Destroi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeke_N.Destroi)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/18 "2017-01-02T21:00:58Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I’m coming from the angle of an adult saying it happened that way, and that in the case of little boys, it really did. Some of them I can entirely accept. “FELL DOWN STAIRS WITH A STICK FROM A TREE. HE HAD SHARPENED IT INTO AN ARROW POINTED END- STICK LANDED ON SCROTUM” Some of them are without a doubt, “I was pleasuring myself and messed up but am too embarrassed to cop to it.” “SCRATCHED HIS PENIS ON A PLASTIC BOTTLE WHILE TRYING TO URINATE IN IT” There are a couple that I just don’t get one way or the other - how do you slam your dick in a drawer unless you are hung like a horse and look for socks in a way unknown to me? ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/19 "2017-01-02T21:03:49Z")
> [@Dr\_Paprika](#): > > Did you know there is a machine that uses suction to pick radishes and cut off the stem? I didn’t until I started working ER. I didn’t know that either until I read this post. So, I’m assuming some guy tried to, ahem, circumcise himself with one of these? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2017, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122/20 "2017-01-02T23:24:27Z")
Story 1: A friend of mine was an Army Ranger, and a physician; he was, at one point, working the late shift in the base infirmary, when an NCO came in, complaining of a burning sensation when he urinated. My friend suspected a STD, of course, but initial tests came back negative, and the NCO indicated that he had had no recent sexual partners. After quite a bit of questioning, the afflicted NCO admitted that he had been pleasuring himself by inserting a knitting needle into his urethra. :eek: Story 2: About 25 years ago, I woke up at around 1 a.m., with pain in my back. I went to the bathroom, and discovered that my urine was pink – having had a kidney stone two years previously, I knew exactly what was happening. I went to the ER, where, after an initial exam, they sent me off to Radiology for x-rays. When I’d left the ER, I was the only patient, but when I returned from Radiology, there was another patient in there. He was screened off from me by curtains, but I could hear what was going on, of course. He’d been having sex with a girl, and torn his foreskin. :eek::eek: The ER doctor (a tiny Filipino woman), as she was stitching him up (under a local anesthetic, I sure hope!) was questioning him: “So, how did this happen? Were you having dry sex?” He was close to incoherent, but, as she instructed him that he was not to have an erection for two weeks, to let the sutures heal, I realized that a kidney stone wasn’t so bad, in comparison. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-penile-injuries/776122.md?page=2)