# Best of The Onion **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 2, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657 "2009-09-02T18:12:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/41 "2009-09-03T16:06:04Z")
[God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy ‘No,’ Says God](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28812) ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/42 "2009-09-03T16:16:50Z")
I don’t know why, but these two never fail to crack me up: [My Teddy Bear Collection is Fucking Great](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33802) [Today’s New Age Music Is Crap](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33664) ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/43 "2009-09-03T16:27:30Z")
[This one](http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/hard_to_tell_if_wikipedia) has been my favorite since it was published. ---
**Author:** ![i\_am\_a\_scientist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f07891/32.png) [@i\_am\_a\_scientist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/i_am_a_scientist)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/44 "2009-09-03T16:40:07Z")
So, so many. [Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29194) (the article is great) And my favorite point/counter point: [My Computer Totally Hates Me v. God to I Hate That Bitch](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34156) ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Buttons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a6a055/32.png) [@Mr\_Buttons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Buttons)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/45 "2009-09-03T16:45:07Z")
The RadioShack one mentioned aboves always cracks me up. This one always cracks me up. [Weed Delivery Guy Saves Christmas](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30821) ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/46 "2009-09-03T16:45:52Z")
> [@toadspittle](#): > > [God Answers Prayers Of Paralyzed Little Boy > ‘No,’ Says God](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28812) One of the most brilliant pieces of satire ever written - Jonathan Swift would have been proud to have written it. And I have to third or fourth the post September 11 issue. Like most Americans, I was still in a bit of a daze, wondering, like Jon Stewart, if anything would ever be funny again. The Onion came through in spades. The [report from the Outer Darkness](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38673) on the hijackers reception in Hell expressed every hope the little Sunday School attending boy inside of me retained. Almost as good was the [“God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule”](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28151): \* “I’m talking to all of you, here!” continued God, His voice rising to a shout. “Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m fucking serious!” \* I’m curious if any Muslim Dopers can confirm the Onion’s description of the Islamic concept of eternal damnation? Other, non-September 11 favorites: [Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs ‘Oh, Shit,’ Says Humanity](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28315) [Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29429) I read the latter out loud to my wife and we were both laughing so hard it hurt. I don’t normally like bathroom humor, but the contrast of the straight-ahead reporting with ridiculous content is classic Onion. \*Minton said a more convenient form of the active ingredients in dog urine will likely one day be synthesized for an over-the-counter medication, but he stressed that such a breakthrough is at least 10 to 15 years down the road. “For now, you need a dog—excuse me a moment,” said Minton, doubling over and inhaling sharply. “And a bucket.” \* ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/47 "2009-09-03T19:53:40Z")
This one just flew right into my top 10. [‘Kennedy Curse’ Claims Life Of 77-Year-Old Tumor-Riddled Binge-Drinker](http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/kennedy_curse_claims_life_of?utm_source=b-section) ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/48 "2009-09-03T20:02:10Z")
[Hush Falls Over Prison Population As Madoff Stabs Cellmate In Throat](http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/hush_falls_over_prison) Two of my favorite Point-Counterpoint articles (in which they’re much funnier if you scroll-read them without finding out the counter-point ahead of time): [Rex](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34174) [Romantic European Men](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34198) ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/49 "2009-09-03T20:36:23Z")
I was impressed with how seemlessly The Onion was able to transition from mocking the conventions of newsprint into mocking the conventions of televised news with the Onion News Network. Their “Today Now!” segment is so spot-on with the hosts maintaining their chipper, inane banter while interviewing an ex-pedophile or shaking a baby. One of my favorite “skewering of form” bits though is their “sports analysts” using all the typical sportscaster cliches while discussing the state of sepak tekraw. [Link.](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/ngyuen_thi_buch_thuy_just_give_me) ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/50 "2009-09-04T04:58:25Z")
[Lance Armsrong Inspires Thousands to Come In Third to Cancer](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/lance_armstrong_inspires_thousands) ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/51 "2009-09-04T06:57:40Z")
[My favorite](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/recession_plagued_nation_demands) ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 9:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/52 "2009-09-04T09:38:40Z")
I seem to remember that a few years ago their was a Incident of a public figure using a article from The Onion as proof of some point he was trying to make. Maybe about Harry Potter or something like that…. Can anyone help me with a cite? ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/53 "2009-09-04T14:29:47Z")
Well, their “Harry Potter teaches kids Satanism” spoof [has been sent around as a Recreational Outrage ‘true’ story e-mail spam](http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/potter.asp) by some religious extremists. I really liked the God Angrily Clarifies ‘Do Not Kill’ Rule article. I think that the Onion’s sarcastic wit is powered at least in part by a sharp sense of anger at humanity’s weaknesses and excesses. Here’s another example of that hidden fury: [God Re-floods Middle East](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27915) ---
**Author:** ![gaffa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e68b1a/32.png) [@gaffa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gaffa)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/54 "2009-09-04T15:53:00Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > I really liked the God Angrily Clarifies ‘Do Not Kill’ Rule article. I think that the Onion’s sarcastic wit is powered at least in part by a sharp sense of anger at humanity’s weaknesses and excesses. > > Here’s another example of that hidden fury: [God Re-floods Middle East](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27915) I had missed that one, thanks! \*Though regretful over the severity of God’s punishment, Mideast peace negotiators nonetheless praised Him for coming up with the first-ever viable solution to the ongoing crisis. “Yahweh, or Allah, depending on what name you choose to call Him, has finally brought to bear upon this place a direct route to peace,” said former president Jimmy Carter, who in 1978 brokered the Camp David Accords, one of the region’s many short-lived peace agreements. “Lord knows that I and many others before and since Camp David have done our best to find a way for these two peoples to stop the killing and hatred, to no avail. But God, in His infinite wisdom, realized that it just isn’t worth it anymore, and that the best thing to do is cut His losses, drown the whole lot of them, and start fresh once the raging waters subside.” \* ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/55 "2009-09-04T16:11:08Z")
> [@Sailboat](#): > > Well, their “Harry Potter teaches kids Satanism” spoof [has been sent around as a Recreational Outrage ‘true’ story e-mail spam](http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/potter.asp) by some religious extremists. > > I really liked the God Angrily Clarifies ‘Do Not Kill’ Rule article. I think that the Onion’s sarcastic wit is powered at least in part by a sharp sense of anger at humanity’s weaknesses and excesses. > > Here’s another example of that hidden fury: [God Re-floods Middle East](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27915) Some of their articles on the middle east are great. [Middle East Conflict Intensifies as Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/middle_east_conflict_intensifies), [War-Torn Middle East Seeks Solace in Religion](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51849), and [this](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32737) very short, old classic. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/56 "2009-09-04T16:41:06Z")
Another one of my favorites: > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. ---
**Author:** ![Pushkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ee59a6/32.png) [@Pushkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pushkin)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2009, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/57 "2009-09-04T19:09:24Z")
I hadn’t looked up The Onion for a while, a few weeks ago I checked it out and split my sides over "_[Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer To Run Through Maze](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/underfunded_scientists_force)_ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2009, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/58 "2009-09-05T04:38:27Z")
[Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34777) ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2009, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/59 "2009-09-05T05:35:20Z")
> [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > Their first edition after 9/11 was a keeper. “Life Turns into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie,” with dramatic photos of the impact/fireball, and of the post-collapse debris cloud roiling down a street (caption: “another scene not from a movie.”) , and interviews of shocked witnesses who were distraught at seeing (in real life) all of the over-the-top violence they normally received from Hollywood, but without the victorious hero or happy ending. And another article, with the hijackers finding themselves not in Paradise, but in Hell, being tortured in imaginative ways by a pantheon of demons. I came in here to mention these articles. Also from that issue “God Give Press Conference” A visually upset God gave a brief conference today. "Look, every religion inspired by me has this rule. “Thou Shall Not Kill” It’s four single syllable words! How hard is that to understand?! Even the television listings for that issue was great but I remember the listings Animal Planet, (as if trying to compete with the 24 hour news of the events) Falcons-Terrorists of the Skies. When lions attack and my personal fave “Fuck it, here is some zebra footage”. and apparently so did everyone else. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2009, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/60 "2009-09-05T14:15:26Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > Another one of my favorites: > > [http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28836](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28836) “…From this day forward, the state of Illinois will not negotiate with tourists.” I love that one. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657.md?page=4)