# Best of The Onion **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 2, 2009, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657 "2009-09-02T18:12:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/81 "2009-09-09T01:26:05Z")
Among my favorites: [Ethnoclashistan](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28369) [No Keyboard Laptop](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionary) [Miracle of Birth](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/miracle_of_birth_occurs_for_83) ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2009, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/82 "2009-09-09T05:06:15Z")
[Mercy Hospital Turns Away Uninsured Patient](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31962) (how relevant is THIS?) [8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29467) [Horribly Awkward First Sexual Encounter ‘Worth The Wait’ For Christian Newlyweds](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39100) [Spoiled, Doughy Brat Makes Local Parent Feel Spiritually Whole](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29569) [Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29546) [Red-Lace Nightie Portends Another Excruciating Night For Closeted Husband](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39073) [Congress Asks Clinton For Permission To Have Congress Outside Today](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29020) [Antique Dealer Sick Of Appraising Smurf Collections](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28179) ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/83 "2009-09-10T04:16:59Z")
> **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. I’ve always thought this one was kind of brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![jimmycolorado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@jimmycolorado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimmycolorado)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/84 "2009-09-10T05:37:18Z")
[This](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34234) was always my favorite point/counter-point. As always, the headlines (and headshots) alone are where the gold is. I also liked the Onion In History with Archduke Franz Ferdinand proudly boasting, “No man can stop me!” They used to have those front pages as PDF files that through some finagling you could download and print out, and there were a lot of them. I remember two favorites: “super-intelligent ape-man from the future to defend Scopes” (said ape-man was Cornelius from Planet of the Apes); and my other favorite I still have a printout of, was “Feds gun down Nixon outside Arizona Motel”. ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/85 "2009-09-10T06:13:02Z")
> [@sjc](#): > > [http://www.theonion.com/content/news/raped\_environment\_led\_polluters\_on](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/raped_environment_led_polluters_on) > > I’ve always thought this one was kind of brilliant. That one is pure genius! ---
**Author:** ![SaharaTea](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@SaharaTea](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SaharaTea)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/86 "2009-09-10T13:16:18Z")
A few of my favorite music-related stories: [Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33756) [Mothership Accidentally Descends on Hootie Concert](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30102) [Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39670) [You Know, I Used To Be Kind Of Cool Once](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33682) ---
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/87 "2009-09-10T14:44:25Z")
Two of my favorites: Catholic couples sinning. > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. Inner city kids are good at the metric system. > **[The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](https://www.theonion.com/)** > > The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/88 "2009-09-10T21:06:51Z")
Can’t read the Onion right now (blast you, stupid work firewall!!) but I’m laughing my ass off just reading the headlines! ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/89 "2009-09-10T21:20:39Z")
> [@omgzebras](#): > > [Franz Kafka International Airport](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/pragues_franz_kafka_international) is just great. That’s fantastic! However, I was a _bit_ disappointed that they had people complaining about not knowing which gate to use, without using the built-in _Trial_ reference. “Of course no one else is transferring at this gate. This gate was meant only for _you_…” ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/90 "2009-09-10T22:20:20Z")
I can’t find a site, but IIRC Christopher Hitchens actually got pissed at the article about him: [Christopher Hitchens Forcibly Removed From Trailer Park After Drunken Confrontation with Common-Law Wife](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/christopher_hitchens_forcibly) Excerpt: > [@](#): > > Responding to a domestic-disturbance call, police arrived at the couple’s double-wide trailer at approximately 2:15 p.m. to find Hitchens and Bodell throwing dishes at each other. When the officers attempted to remove Hitchens from the premises, the leftist intellectual became physically and verbally abusive toward the officers, calling them “shitkickers,” “bitches,” and “effete liberal apologists for the atrocities of late-stage capitalism.” and apropos to the Dope > [@](#): > > Sgt. Ed Poole of Boston’s 11th Precinct said there was no love lost between Hitchens and his arresting officers. > “Word got around the station that this guy wrote a whole book claiming that Mother Teresa was a stooge of right-wing dictators,” Poole recalled. “Supposedly, he said her hypocritical approach to charity for the poor of Calcutta, as well as her steadfast advocacy of the Catholic Church’s doctrine prohibiting birth control, made her an essentially immoral individual undeserving of the mantle of sainthood. Well, a lot of the boys here are Irish-Catholic born and raised, and they don’t take too kindly to people speaking ill of nuns.” ---
**Author:** ![woodstockbirdybird](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/woodstockbirdybird/32/7905_2.png) [@woodstockbirdybird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/woodstockbirdybird)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2009, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/91 "2009-09-10T23:19:42Z")
This is one of the few that cracked me up all the way through, rather than just in the headline: [Bro, You’re A God Among Bros](http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/bro_youre_a_god_among_bros). “You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean”. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/92 "2009-09-12T01:24:02Z")
Video: [Congressman’s Son Won’t Shut The Hell Up During Hearing](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/congressmans_son_wont_shut_the) [Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39068) [I Just Don’t Trust The New Pastor Yet](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33668) [Dog Urine Lowers Heart-Attack Risk, Say Snickering Researchers](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29429) [Insane Clown Posse Gets Ride To Concert From Mom](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29421) [That’s Not Funny; My Brother Died That Way](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33660) [Man With Complete _Mama’s Family_ Video Library Never Going On eBay Drunk Again](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39045) [I Hope My Baby Doesn’t Come Out All Fucked-Up And Shit](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33652) [Hedonistic Orgy Marred By Exclusively Overweight, Middle-Aged Participants](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29295) [Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck](http://www.theonion.com/content/news/clinton_blows_entire_paycheck) ---
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/93 "2009-09-12T16:09:31Z")
[Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30496). ---
**Author:** ![Quercus\_alba](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quercus_alba/32/4061_2.png) [@Quercus\_alba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus_alba)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/94 "2009-09-12T16:57:08Z")
The Onion has always demonstrated to me that they have some kind of inside information regarding pharmaceutical marketing: [FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39082) “All placebos are not the same,” Eli Lilly spokesman Giles French said. “Pacifex is the only placebo that’s green and shaped like a triangle. Pacifex: A doctor gave it to you.” [Pfizer Launches ‘Zoloft For Everything’ Ad Campaign](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28349) [FDA Approves Depressant Drug for the Annoyingly Cheerful](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/fda_approves_depressant_drug_for) “Critics say natural treatments can just as effectively crush your soul”. ---
**Author:** ![Pearson\_Flyer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pearson_flyer/32/7241_2.png) [@Pearson\_Flyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pearson_Flyer)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/95 "2009-09-12T18:44:34Z")
One of my favorites since I first read it: [The Onion | America's Finest News Source.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29788) When the Onion gets it right, it’s hilarious. That seems to be happening less frequently lately, though (although the Frito Lay one recently was great). ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2009, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/96 "2009-09-12T23:15:28Z")
Two recent videos about 9/11 are really good: [Americans observing 9/11 by not masturbating](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_by?utm_source=nav) [9/11 Conspiracy Theories “Ridiculous,” Al Qaeda Says](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/9_11_conspiracy_theories?utm_source=onion_rss_daily) The execution of the videos is always a lot better than the subjects. ---
**Author:** ![adhay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@adhay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/adhay)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2009, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/97 "2009-09-13T00:01:34Z")
Surprised this hasn’t shown up here. [Bush Tours America To Survey Damage.](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/bush_tours_america_to_survey) ---
**Author:** ![user\_hostile](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/user_hostile/32/474_2.png) [@user\_hostile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/user_hostile)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/98 "2009-09-13T02:03:57Z")
My favorite introduction to Niccolò himself: [Area Applebee’s A Hotbed Of Machiavellian Political Maneuvering](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28435) That was the first article I ever read in the Onion; still my all time favorite. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus\_alba](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quercus_alba/32/4061_2.png) [@Quercus\_alba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus_alba)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2009, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/99 "2009-09-15T04:10:56Z")
[quote=“Rilchiam, post:4, topic:508657”] I’ve been anticipating something, if “anticipate” is the right word. [Jean Teasdale](http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/view/teasdale) is established as a devoted Patrick Swayze fan. I daresay the woman who writes JT (and Jim Anchower; oddly enough, those are my two favorites) has long since composed Jean’s tribute to Swayze, and it will appear in the next issue after he finally succumbs. At any rate, I don’t see how she **can’t** acknowledge his death. And it’ll be interesting to see how Jean honors him. …QUOTE] We should be finding out soon… ---
**Author:** ![ethelbert](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/958977/32.png) [@ethelbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ethelbert)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2009, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657/100 "2009-09-15T14:21:19Z")
In the last day’s of W’s presidency, the Onion reported many gratuitously painful accidents; [Bush’s Eyelid Accidentally Nailed to Wall](http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/bushs_eyelid_accidentally). I can’t find any more but there were plenty. It was a satisying way to say goodbye. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-of-the-onion/508657.md?page=6)