# best put-downs **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 22, 2002, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061 "2002-09-22T01:18:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Truth\_Seeker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@Truth\_Seeker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Truth_Seeker)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/41 "2002-09-28T06:57:10Z")
Once the Caliph [Al Mansur] was addressing an audience at Damascus, and said: “O ye people! it is incumbent on you to give praise to the Most High that he has sent me to reign over you. For verily since I began to reign over you, he has taken away the plague which had come amongst you.” But a certain Arab cried out to him: “Of a truth Allah is too merciful to give us both thee and the plague at one time!” ---
**Author:** ![rynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b3f665/32.png) [@rynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rynn)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/42 "2002-09-28T07:48:34Z")
Listen, if I want any crap from you, I’ll squeeze your head. ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/43 "2002-09-28T08:04:24Z")
My friend said something really obvious. Me: Nice work Nancy Drew, what mystery are you solving next? Him: Why my foot is lodged in your ass. Witty responses on both sides! ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/44 "2002-09-28T08:14:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Omnipresent \* > \*\*My cousin as said out of his car window to another who’s female driver just cut him off: > > _“I hope you die of a long, painful, expensive bout of ovarian cancer”._ > > The “expensive” part really got me. 😃 \*\* My mother died ten years ago of ovarian cancer, and it was all of those things: long, painful and expensive. I hope you never have to find out firsthand just how un-funny that is. As for your cousin, I don’t know how he could have driven a car and talked out the window at the same time. His ass needed to be in the seat if he was driving, and if he said that, his ass is what he was talking through. Fuck both of you! ---
**Author:** ![Reuben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Reuben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuben)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 8:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/45 "2002-09-28T08:19:44Z")
When someone accidentally embarrasses themselves in public (eg falling over), I like to make them feel better by saying : “I hope you felt as stupid as you looked”. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/46 "2002-09-28T11:44:49Z")
It commonly thought that while Joseph Heller’s Catch 22 is a classic, none of his other books were any good. Interviewer: Why have you never written a book as good as Catch 22? Heller: Not many people have, mister. Not many people have. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/47 "2002-09-28T11:57:01Z")
Lady Astor: “Winston, if I were your wife I’d put poison in your coffee.” Winston Churchill: “Nancy, if I were your husband I’d drink it.” ---
**Author:** ![abogan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@abogan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/abogan)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/48 "2002-09-28T12:07:05Z")
In my youth, there was a popular TV ad for a hair product that assured the females of the day that they would enjoy life more if only they would color their hair blonde. One night “on the town” I found myself next to a vey attractive young lady who, indeed, had hair the color of soft gold. I could not resist the opportunity. Me: Is it true that blondes have more fun? Her: You’ll never know. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/49 "2002-09-28T13:35:32Z")
A story I’ve heard about several famous people, that probably never happened. Supposedly Mr. Famous Person is sitting in a bar and a drop dead gorgeous female walks in. He goes over to her and asks “Do you know who I am?” She says “Of course.” He asks “Will you spend the night with me for $1,000,000?” She says “Of course.” He asks “Will you spend the night with me for $10?” She says “NO! What do you think I am?” And Mr. Famous Person replies “We’ve already established what you are; now we’re just negotiating your price.” ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/50 "2002-09-28T13:55:31Z")
#1 Whiny traveling companion: “I’m so thirsty. Pull over so we can get something to drink.” Me: “Why don’t you have a nice, tall glass of shut the fuck up?” #2 Grandfather: “When are you going to lose some weight?” Me: “You know, when Reagan got Alzheimer’s, he started to think he was still president. Now you’ve got it and you seem to think that you can still speak to me that way.” #3 I asked a girl in a bar if I could buy her a drink. Girl: “Are you fucking serious?” Me: “I dunno. Will we be seriously fucking?” #4 An obnoxious guy is being searched prior to getting on a plane. The attractive security woman is patting down his legs while the guy sits in a chair. Obnoxious guy: “Higher, higher.” Security woman: “Cuter, cuter.” ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/51 "2002-09-28T23:21:49Z")
Said by Lloyd George: “When they circumcised him, they threw away the wrong bit” ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/52 "2002-09-28T23:41:36Z")
Paraphrased from the movie _Amelie_: “His father must have pissed inside his mother!” ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2002, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/53 "2002-09-28T23:55:59Z")
What do you mean, since when did I become such a screaming queen? Since I started knowing twits like you, you twit! - Larry Kramer We got three days into the topic [of gay marriage] before somebody decided to compare the love and commitment of two adult human beings with his desire to rut with a chimp. Listen, if you want to marry a chimp, go right ahead. I suppose just like the old song, you want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. - our very own **Otto** ---
**Author:** ![Wearia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Wearia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wearia)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/54 "2002-09-29T02:06:36Z")
I’ve had some good ones when I get peeved off. “Go away and come back when you decide to grow the fuck up.” “You say that like I give a damn” “Hows the lighting in your basement?” “Is this your first time outside?” “Oh I’m sorry am I talking to fast?” Yes, I’m a very mean person if you get on my bad side. ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/55 "2002-09-29T02:46:18Z")
once my husbands ex- wife tried to insult me-- i told her i have been called worse by better people ---
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/56 "2002-09-29T03:46:45Z")
People at work often bring me stupid/irrelevant problems to solve. I’ve used this one before: "Write this whole issue up in an email, go into the company directory, look under S, and email it to _Someone Who Gives a Damn_. The key to making this work is drawing out the “proposed solution” for as long as possible. It’s a bonus if you can get them to jot down notes before they catch one. ---
**Author:** ![Macro\_Man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Macro\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macro_Man)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/57 "2002-09-29T03:46:50Z")
People at work often bring me stupid/irrelevant problems to solve. I’ve used this one before: "Write this whole issue up in an email, go into the company directory, look under S, and email it to _Someone Who Gives a Damn_. The key to making this work is drawing out the “proposed solution” for as long as possible. It’s a bonus if you can get them to jot down notes before they catch on. ---
**Author:** ![happyheathen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5e925/32.png) [@happyheathen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/happyheathen)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/58 "2002-09-29T06:06:20Z")
“I could carve a better man out of a banana” (attributed to Teddy Roosevelt) ---
**Author:** ![Potter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Potter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Potter)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/59 "2002-09-29T10:21:01Z")
Oscar Wilde to Sarah Bernhardt - “Do you mind if I smoke?” Sarah Bernhardt - “I don’t care if you burn.” ---
**Author:** ![Testy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@Testy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Testy)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2002, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061/60 "2002-09-29T14:12:37Z")
A classic put down attributed to a British MP goes as follows: MP#1 : It’s debatable whether my honorable opponent will die by hanging, or from the pox! (syphillis) MP#2 : The method of my demise depends upon whether I embrace my honorable opponent’s principles, or his mistress. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-put-downs/129061.md?page=4)