# Best Rants Ever!!: from the movies **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 28, 2002, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984 "2002-08-28T21:10:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/21 "2002-08-29T12:48:11Z")
Jack Nicolson’s “You can’t handle the truth” rant from **A Few Good Men**. Michale Bolton’s Michale Bolton rant fron **Office Space** : “Why do I have to change my name!!?? He’s the one that SUCKS!!” But the best rant ever has to be every line spoken by Sgt Hartman in **Full Metal Jacket** : "Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who’s the slimy communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker who just signed his own death warrant? Jesus Christ Pyle, don’t try too hard. If God would have wanted you up there he would have miracled your ass up there, wouldn’t he? Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it? I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around. Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three fuckin’ seconds, to wipe that stupid lookin’ grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you! Bullshit! It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress. What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child? Pyle, you had best unfuck yourself and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up! Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people fuck! You will give your rifle a girl’s name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol’ Mary J. Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over!" ---
**Author:** ![El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/22 "2002-08-29T12:49:21Z")
“Because, sometimes…life is like a mop. Sometimes, it gets all full of dirt, and bugs, and crud. But you gotta rinse it out. You gotta get down here, and ring it out. And sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad, you gotta, you gotta get down on the floor with a toothbrush, and you gotta scrub. But sometimes, life just doesn’t want to come off the floor, but you can’t give up. No, you gotta stand up and run to the windows and say '\*\*Hey! These Floors are Dirty as Hell, and I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!” The greatest motivational call to action ever produced on film. it’s been a while since I’ve seen **UHF** , so it’s a little paraphrased, but you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/23 "2002-08-29T13:15:45Z")
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! ---
**Author:** ![Bindlestiff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bindlestiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bindlestiff)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/24 "2002-08-29T13:23:29Z")
The cigarette smoking man in The X Files - “life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap, perfunctory gift…” I sure wish I could quote it exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Bindlestiff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ba0ec/32.png) [@Bindlestiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bindlestiff)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/25 "2002-08-29T13:27:41Z")
Hey! I found it, with a little help from my Google. CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN: Life… is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You’re stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there’s a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they’re gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you’re desperate enough to eat those, all you’ve got left is a… is an empty box… filled with useless, brown paper wrappers. ---
**Author:** ![Labdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Labdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labdad)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/26 "2002-08-29T13:30:29Z")
Crash Davis in **Bull Durham** : “Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” ---
**Author:** ![pldennison](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/9fc29f/32.png) [@pldennison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pldennison)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/27 "2002-08-29T13:30:34Z")
Another good one – Matt Damon explaining why he blew his job interview with the NSA in _Good Will Hunting_: > [@](#): > > Why shouldn’t I work for the N.S.A.? That’s a tough one, but I’ll give it a shot. Say I’m working at N.S.A. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I’m real happy with myself, ‘cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin’, “Send in the marines to secure the area” ‘cause they don’t give a shit. It won’t be their kid over there, gettin’ shot. Just like it wasn’t them when their number was called, ‘cause they were pullin’ a tour in the National Guard. It’ll be some guy from Southie takin’ shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, ‘cause he’ll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain’t helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they’re takin’ their sweet time bringin’ the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain’t too long ‘til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy’s out of work and he can’t afford to drive, so he’s got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks ‘cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin’ him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he’s starvin’ ‘cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they’re servin’ is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I’m holdin’ out for somethin’ better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/28 "2002-08-29T13:34:51Z")
Bill Murray, in **Meatballs** : It Just Doesn’t Matter, because all the good-looking girls will still go out with the guys from Camp Mohawk, because THEY’RE THE ONES WITH ALL THE MONEY!!! ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/29 "2002-08-29T13:36:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bindlestiff \* > \*\*The cigarette smoking man in The X Files - “life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap, perfunctory gift…” > > I sure wish I could quote it exactly. \*\* Here’s the whole quote… > [@](#): > > Life is like a box of chocolates… > > Cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift > that nobody ever asks for > Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates > So you’re stuck with this undefinable whipped mint crap > that you mindlessly wolf down when there’s > nothing else left to eat > Sure, once in awhile there’s a…a peanut butter cup… > > or a… > > English toffee > But they’re gone too fast…the taste is > fleeting > > So you end up with nothing but > broken bits filled with > hardened jelly > and > teeth shattering nuts > If you’re desperate enough to eat those, > all you’ve got left is a… > Is an empty box > > Filled with useless, brown paper wrappers (Cigarette Smoking Man) ---
**Author:** ![In\_Conceivable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/4bbf92/32.png) [@In\_Conceivable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Conceivable)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/30 "2002-08-29T13:46:24Z")
**Julianne Moore** in **Magnolia** when the pharmacy questioned her. [http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0175880](http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0175880) > [@](#): > > * * * > > Young Pharmacy Kid: Strong, strong stuff here. What exactly you have wrong, you need all this stuff? > Linda Partridge: Motherfucker… > Young Pharmacy Kid: What are you talking about? > Linda Partridge: Who the fuck are you, who the fuck do you think you are? I come in here, you don’t know me, you don’t know who I am, what my life is, you have the balls, the indecency to ask me a question about my life? > Old Pharmacist: Please, lady, why don’t you calm down – ? > Linda Partridge: Fuck you, too! Don’t call me “lady”! I come in here, I give these things to you, you check, you make your phone calls, look suspicious, ask questions! I’m sick! I have sickness all around me and you fucking ask me about my life?! “What’s wrong?” Have you seen death in your bed? In your house? Where’s your fucking decency? And then I’m asked fucking questions. What’s…wrong?! You suck my dick! That’s what’s wrong! And you, you fucking call me “lady”?! Shame on you! Shame on you!! Shame on both of you! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/31 "2002-08-29T14:58:11Z")
Billie Burke’s downright operatic “the _Ferncliffes_ aren’t coming to _dinner!_” rant from **Dinner at Eight**. I have seen revival-house audiences burst into applause at that one. Just from memory: “Oh, _you’ve_ got a headache, and _you’re_ not feeling well. You think you’ve got problems? _I’ve had the most ghastly day anyone ever had!_ Rickey in jail and Gustav dying for all I know, and that Vance woman coming in, and no aspic for dinner—I had to send for crabmeat. _Crabmeat!_ And now, on top of everything else—_the Ferncliffes aren’t coming to dinner._ They call at this hour, the miserable cockneys, and say they’re going to Florida. _Florida!_ Nobody goes to Florida at this time of year! And that leaves me with eight people for dinner—eight people isn’t a dinner! Who am I going to get at this hour? And you come to me with your miserable little . . . You don’t know what trouble _is! Either_ of you!” Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/32 "2002-08-29T15:03:56Z")
I just knew that was going to be your answer, Eve. It does put her in a decidedly different light as compared to her role as Glenda the Good Witch, doesn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/33 "2002-08-29T15:10:16Z")
Don’t know if this qualifies as a rant, but the warning/tirade/speech given in alternating sentences by the MacManus brothers in _Boondock Saints_ always gives me the chills: > [@](#): > > Conner MacManus: Now you will receive us. > Murphy MacManus: We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry. > Conner MacManus: We do not want your tired and sick. > Murphy MacManus: It is the corrupt we claim. > Conner MacManus: It is your evil that will be shot by us. > Murphy MacManus: With every breath, we shall hunt them down. > Conner MacManus: Each day we will spill there blood, til it rains down from the skies. > Murphy MacManus: Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. > Conner MacManus: These are not polite suggestions, these are cause of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. > Murphy MacManus: There are varying degrees of evil, we urge you lesser of forms of filth, not to push the bounds and cross over it’s a true corruption into our domain. > Conner MacManus: But if you do one day you will look behind you and you will see we three, and on that day you will reap it. > Murphy MacManus: We will send you to whatever god you wish. I think _Clerks_ is nothing but one long rant, with Randall having the best ones. ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/34 "2002-08-29T15:15:59Z")
Hard to top that quote from _Good Will Hunting_. Half of Ed Harris’ early performance in _Knightriders_ is ranting. Here he explains that he’s not going to offer a bribe to a corrupt small-town police chief: “We’re not paying. We’re not paying this rat-pile heap of dogshit a goddamned cent!” ---
**Author:** ![Scruloose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@Scruloose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruloose)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/35 "2002-08-29T15:17:06Z")
I gotta go with co-winners on this one, both previously mentioned. First, Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles: > [@](#): > > “You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosy, fucking cheeks. Then you can give me a fucking automobile. A fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four wheels and a seat!” > > “I really don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me,” she said quietly, politely. > > “I don’t care for the way your fucking company left me in the middle of fucking nowhere with fucking keys to a fucking car that isn’t fucking there, and I really didn’t care to fucking walk down a fucking highway and across a fucking runway to get back here and to have you fucking smile at my fucking face. I want a fucking car. Now!” Second, Al Pacino in …And Justice For All: > [@](#): > > Arthur Kirkland: The one thing that bothered me, the one thing that stayed in my mind and I couldn’t get rid of it, that haunted me was WHY. Why would she lie? What was her motive or lying? If my client is innocent, She’s Lying. Why? Was it blackmail? No. Was it jealousy? No. Yesterday, I found out why. She doesn’t have a motive. You know why? Because she’s not lying. And ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, the prosecution is NOT gonna get that man today, No! Because I’M GONNA GET HIM! My client, the Honorable Henry T. Fleming, SHOULD GO RIGHT TO FUCKING JAIL! The sonofabitch is GUILTY! That man is guilty! That man there, that man… That man is a slime! He is a slime! If he’s allowed to go free, something really wrong is going on here! > > Judge Rayford: Mr. Kirkland, you are out of order!! > > Arthur Kirkland: You’re out of order! You’re out of order! The whole trial is out of order! [indicates the gallery which is up in arms by this point] They’re out of order! That man, that sick, crazy depraved man… raped and beat that woman there, and HE’D LIKE TO DO IT AGAIN! He told me so! It’s just a show! It’s a show! It’s “Let’s Make a Deal!” Let’s make a deal! Hey, Frank, you wanna make a deal? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddaya want to give me, Frank? Three weeks probation? You sonofabitch, you! You’re supposed to stand for something! You’re supposed to protect people! But instead you fucking murder them! You killed McCullough!! You killed him! Hold it! Hold it! I just completed my opening statement!! ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/36 "2002-08-29T15:20:07Z")
A true classic double rant and IMHO simply the best scene out of any movie ever: the scene in _True Romance_ where Vincenzo (Christopher Walken) tortures Cliff (Dennis Hopper) for information. Vincenzo has just broken Cliff’s nose and sliced open his hand. * * * COCCOTTI Sicilians are great liars. The best in the world. I’m a Sicilian. And my old man was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars. And from growin’ up with him I learned the pantomime. Now there are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give him away. A guy has seventeen pantomimes. A woman’s got twenty, but a guy’s got seventeen. And if you know ‘em like ya know your own face, they beat lie detectors to hell. What we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don’t wanna show me nothin’. But you’re tellin’ me everything. Now I know you know where they are. So tell me, before I do some damage you won’t walk away from. \*The awful pain in Cliff’s hand is being replaced by the awful pain in his heart. He looks deep into Coccotti’s eyes. \* CLIFF Could I have one of those Chesterfields now? COCCOTTI Sure. _Coccotti leans over and hands him a smoke._ CLIFF Got a match? _Cliff reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter._ CLIFF Oh, don’t bother. I got one. (he lights the cigarette) So you’re a Sicilian, huh? COCCOTTI (intensly) Uh-huh. CLIFF You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find that shit fascinating. In fact, I don’t know if you know this or not, Sicilians were spawned by niggers. _All the men stop what they were doing and look at Cliff, except for Tooth-pic Vic who doesn’t speak English and so isn’t insulted. Coccotti can’t believe what he’s hearing._ COCCOTTI Come again? CLIFF It’s a fact. Sicilians have nigger blood pumpin’ through their hearts. If you don’t believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are niggers. Way back then, Sicilians were like the wops in northern Italy. Blond hair, blue eyes. But, once the Moors moved in there, they changed the whole country. They did so much fuckin’ with the Sicilian women, they changed the blood-line for ever, from blond hair and blue eyes to black hair and dark skin. I find it absolutely amazing to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, Sicilians still carry that nigger gene. I’m just quotin’ history. It’s a fact. It’s written. Your ancestors were niggers. Your great, great, great, great, great- grandmother was fucked by a nigger, and had a half-nigger kid. That is a fact. Now tell me, am I lyin’? ---
**Author:** ![Tretiak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e57/32.png) [@Tretiak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tretiak)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/37 "2002-08-29T15:57:44Z")
Oneof my favorites is by Jon Voigt,as a vicious murderer, in **Runaway Train** where he opines about the thin line that seperates civilized man from the animals to Eric Roberts, both are escaped criminals on a runaway train. I have always meant to transcribe it, but haven’t gotten around to it. It is something like this. Roberts mentions something about robbing a bank when he gets home. Voigt: “Bullshit, you ain’t gonna do that. You know what you’re gonna do? You’re gonna go home and you’re gonna get a job, whatever crappy little job an ex-con like yourself can get. You listening to me!! You’re gonna get a job and when you’re there late one night and you’re mopping the floor your boss will come over and tells you you missed a spot. You want to take his face and smash it in, but you don’t. You know what you’re going to do, you’re going to get on your hands and knees and scrub that little spot of floor until it is shiney clean. And if you can do that, if you can do that, then you could be the President of General Motors, you could run large corporations or be President of the United States, if you could do that.” Roberts: “Ah, man I could never do that shit!” Voigt: “More’s the pits, son, more’s the pit.” Roberts: “Could you do that?” Voigt: “I wish I could.” ---
**Author:** ![Judith\_Prietht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b19c9b/32.png) [@Judith\_Prietht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Judith_Prietht)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/38 "2002-08-29T16:14:18Z")
Pretty much anything John Goodman says in **The Big Lebowski**. And also from the same film, Lebowski’s rant at The Dude when they first meet, after the nihilists pee on The Dude’s rug: > [@](#): > > DUDE > So you know they were trying to piss > on your rug– > > ``` > LEBOWSKI > Did I urinate on your rug? > > DUDE > You mean, did you personally come > and pee on my-- > > LEBOWSKI > Hello! Do you speak English? Parla > usted Inglese? I'll say it again. > Did I urinate on your rug? > > DUDE > Well no, like I said, Woo peed on > the rug-- > > LEBOWSKI > Hello! Hello! So every time--I > just want to understand this, sir-- > every time a rug is micturated upon > in this fair city, I have to > compensate the-- > > DUDE > Come on, man, I'm not trying to scam > anybody here, I'm just-- > > LEBOWSKI > You're just looking for a handout > like every other--are you employed, > Mr. Lebowski? > > DUDE > Look, let me explain something. > I'm not Mr. Lebowski; you're Mr. > Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's > what you call me. That, or Duder. > His Dudeness. Or El Duderino, if, > you know, you're not into the whole > brevity thing-- > > LEBOWSKI > Are you employed, sir? > > DUDE > Employed? > > LEBOWSKI > You don't go out and make a living > dressed like that in the middle of a > weekday. > > DUDE > Is this a--what day is this? > > LEBOWSKI > But I do work, so if you don't mind-- > > DUDE > No, look. I do mind. The Dude minds. > This will not stand, ya know, this > will not stand, man. I mean, if > your wife owes-- > > LEBOWSKI > My wife is not the issue here. I > hope that my wife will someday learn > to live on her allowance, which is > ample, but if she doesn't, sir, that > will be her problem, not mine, just > as your rug is your problem, just as > every bum's lot in life is his own > responsibility regardless of whom he > chooses to blame. I didn't blame > anyone for the loss of my legs, some > chinaman in Korea took them from me > but I went out and achieved anyway. > I can't solve your problems, sir, > only you can. > > The Dude rises. > > DUDE > Ah fuck it. > > LEBOWSKI > Sure! Fuck it! That's your answer! > Tattoo it on your forehead! Your > answer to everything! > > The Dude is heading for the door. > > LEBOWSKI > Your "revolution" is over, Mr. > Lebowski! Condolences! The bums > lost! > > As the Dude opens the door. > > LEBOWSKI > ...My advice is, do what your parents > did! Get a job, sir! The bums will > always lose-- do you hear me, > Lebowski? THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS-- > > ``` ---
**Author:** ![gus28](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/6de8d8/32.png) [@gus28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gus28)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/39 "2002-08-29T16:44:22Z")
Steve Buscemi at the beginning of Reservoir Dogs, explaining why he doesn’t tip. Al Pacino at the end of Scent of a Woman. ---
**Author:** ![elf6c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c57346/32.png) [@elf6c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elf6c)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/40 "2002-08-29T17:27:55Z")
**Clerks** , indeed. > [@](#): > > Randal Graves:Which did you like better? “Jedi” or “The Empire Strikes Back”? > Dante Hicks: “Empire”. > Randal Graves: Blasphemy! > Dante Hicks: “Empire” had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader’s his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that’s what life is, a series of down endings. All “Jedi” had was a bunch of Muppets. And of course the classic: > [@](#): > > Customer: Are either one of these any good? > [Randal ignores her.] > Customer: Sir? > Randal Graves: What? > Customer: Are either one of these any good? > Randal Graves: I don’t watch movies. > Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them? > Randal Graves: I find it’s best to stay out of other people’s affairs. > Customer: You mean you’ve haven’t heard anybody say anything about either one of these? > Randal Graves: Nope. > Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two? > Randal Graves: Oh, they suck. > Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren’t paying any attention! > Randal Graves: No, I wasn’t. > Customer: I don’t think your manager would appreciate… > Randal Graves: I don’t appreciate your ruse, ma’am. > Customer: I beg your pardon? > Randal Graves: Your ruse; your cunning attempt to trick me. > Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying any attention to what I was saying! > Randal Graves: And, I hope it feels good. > Customer: You hope WHAT feels good? > Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? > Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here! > Randal Graves: You’ll be missed. > Customer: Screw you! > [leaves] > Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You’re not allowed to rent here anymore! God that movie rocks. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984.md?page=3)