# Best Rants Ever!!: from the movies **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 28, 2002, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984 "2002-08-28T21:10:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TigoleBitties](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cab0a1/32.png) [@TigoleBitties](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TigoleBitties)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/41 "2002-08-29T17:29:33Z")
One of my faves has to be Tom Hanks’s Jimmie Dugan going off on a rant in **A League of their Own** Jimmy Dugan: Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for? Evelyn Gardner: Well, I’m a Peach. Jimmy Dugan: Well I was just wonderin’ why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead! You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you! Start using your head. That’s the lump that’s three feet above your ass! [Evelyn starts to cry.] Jimmy Dugan: Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There’s no crying, there’s no crying in baseball! Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit! And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game! And did I cry? NO! NO! And do you know why? Evelyn Gardner: No, no, no. Jimmy Dugan: Because there’s no crying in baseball! God, he nailed this role. It was like he was channeling Billy Martin or Sparky Lyle or something. ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/42 "2002-08-29T19:38:48Z")
There have been some great ones listed. Here are a few more… \*\* Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate\*\* - Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man INSTINCTS! He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time. Look but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste! Taste, don’t swallow. Ahaha! And when you’re jumpin’ from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He’s laughin’ His sick, fuckin’ ass off. He’s a tight-ass! He’s a sadist! He’s an absentee landlord. Worship THAT? NEVER! \* and… in \*\* Any Given Sunday \*\* - You find out life’s this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game – life or football – the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don’t quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don’t quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They’re in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that’s gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! \* \*\* Sally Field Eye For An Eye \*\* - And you can’t catch him! You can’t punish him! You can’t protect anyone else! You’re completely USELESS \* \*\* Donald Sutherland A Time To Kill \*\* - Hero my ass. Do you think the world needed me beating cops heads on that picket line. I was needed here. In that courtroom. And I let them push me, I gave them an excuse to kick me out and now I can never plead a case in there again. But you can. You’re an attorney. Be proud. You job is to find justice no matter how well she may hide herself from you. So you go on in there and you do your job. \* \*\* Mel Gibson Ransom \*\* - You kill him, you kill yourself, you motherfucker! GIVE ME BACK MY SON!! - Sorry, I don’t remember all of it. \*\* Michael Douglas Wall Street \*\* - The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. - and… - You see that building? I bought that building ten years ago. My first real estate deal. Sold it two years later, made an $800,000 profit. It was better than sex. At the time I thought that was all the money in the world. Now it’s a day’s pay - ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/43 "2002-08-29T21:09:10Z")
**A Few Good Men** when Tom Cruise realizes Demi Moore has not prepped the farm boy defendent, and that he wasn’t even in the room when the order was given to administer a Code Red. She tells him to put Jack Nicholson on the stand and get him to admit it. He goes off on this beautiful rant about how he will be court martialed for playing “Should We, or Should We Not, Take the Advice of the Galatically Stupid!” Politics aside, Aaron Sorkin can **WRITE**! ---
**Author:** ![cmburns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4491bb/32.png) [@cmburns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmburns)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/44 "2002-08-29T22:25:21Z")
I couldn’t find a transcript anywhere, but there’s a video clip of the Kinison rant from “Back to School” I mentioned at: [http://www.kinison.com/video.php](http://www.kinison.com/video.php) It takes a couple of minutes to get to the rants, but they’re worth the wait. ---
**Author:** ![Kaitlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/73ab20/32.png) [@Kaitlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaitlyn)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/45 "2002-08-29T22:34:54Z")
> [@](#): > > Politics aside, Aaron Sorkin can WRITE! And that’s not even his best. From _Malice_ I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trama from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, _Dennis_, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God. ---
**Author:** ![Tsubaki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@Tsubaki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tsubaki)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/46 "2002-08-29T23:16:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Horseflesh \* > \*\*Will Smith in _Independence Day_: \*\* Damn, **Horseflesh** , you beat me to it! OK, so its probably not THE best rant ever. But Mr and I saw the movie at the cinema here in Japan, and we were the only ones laughing at this scene. It didn’t seem to translate into Japanese quite as well. The entire audience was looking at us as if to say “WTF?” Guess you had to be there. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2002, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/47 "2002-08-29T23:20:30Z")
That is all. ---
**Author:** ![bristlesage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/edb3f5/32.png) [@bristlesage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bristlesage)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/48 "2002-08-30T00:17:59Z")
The only thing unfortunate about this thread is that TV isn’t included. But that’s beside the point. I mostly dropped in to give you this one that someone mentioned earlier: “A career? I’ve thought about this quite a bit sir and I would have to say considering what’s waiting out there for me, I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed or buy anything sold or processed or repair anything sold, bought or processed as a career. I don’t want to do that. My father’s in the army. He wants me to join, but I can’t work for that corporation, so what I’ve been doing lately is kick-boxing, which is a new sport…as far as career longevity, I don’t really know. I can’t figure it all out tonight, sir, so I’m just gonna hang with your daughter.” –John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler in **Say Anything** Cusack as Martin Blank ( **Grosse Pointe Blank** ) also has a good mini-rant about going to his high school reunion: I just honestly don’t know what I have in common with those people anymore. I mean, or with anyone, really. I mean, they all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs and, you know, they’ve all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do, and what am I going to say? “I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork… How have you been?” ---
**Author:** ![NotWithoutRage](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/22d042/32.png) [@NotWithoutRage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NotWithoutRage)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/49 "2002-08-30T04:19:06Z")
From _As Good As It Gets_ Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there’s a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you’re going to faint. Even then, don’t come knocking. Or, if it’s election night, and you’re excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he’s going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don’t knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/50 "2002-08-30T04:41:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CheapBastid \* > \*\*That is all. \*\* [http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0111218](http://us.imdb.com/Quotes?0111218) ---
**Author:** ![Llama\_Llogophile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@Llama\_Llogophile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Llama_Llogophile)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2002, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/51 "2002-08-30T05:22:23Z")
Gregory Peck has some great rants in the old war film **“12 O’Clock High”**. He plays a tough general who takes over a hard luck B-17 group in Europe. At one point he berates an MP for not checking his ID upon entering the base, and concludes his remarks with, “And another thing. If you, or anyone else on this base passes me up again without saluting, even if I’m a block away… you’ll wonder what fell on you.” Later he gives a tremendous dressing down to cowardly B-17 commander which concludes with this: “I want you to pain this name on your ship - ‘Leper Colony’. And in it you’re going to get every deadbeat in the group. Every man with a penchant for head colds. If there’s a bombadier who can’t hit his plate with his fork, you get him! If there’s a navigator who can’t find the men’s room, you get him! Because you rate 'em!” Great film. They don’t make them like that anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Peta\_Tzunami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b487fb/32.png) [@Peta\_Tzunami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peta_Tzunami)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/52 "2002-08-31T04:23:26Z")
**JFK** is one (one of many) of my favorite films, this is Dean Andrews (performed the profusely sweating John Candy) speaking to Jim Garrison: > [@](#): > > In that case, let me sum it up for you real quick. If I answer that question you keep asking me, if I give you the name of the “Big Enchilada”, y’know, then it’s bon voyage, Deano - I mean like permanent. I mean like a bullet in my head. You dig? Does that help you see my problem a little better? You’re a mouse fighting a gorilla. Kennedy’s dead as that crab meat. The government’s still breathing. You want to line up with a dead man? > > …You’re just as crazy as your mama. Goes to show it’s in the genes! Do you have any idea what you’re getting into, my man? You think Jack Ruby just up and died of cancer in four weeks after he gets a retrial? That’s some kinda new cancer - I’d say that’s a “going out of business cancer”. You got the right ta-ta, but the wrong ho-ho. The government’s gonna jump all over your head, Jimbo, and go “cock-a-doodledoo!” Later…in that same movie, the Garrisons fight and Jim goes off thusly: > [@](#): > > I don’t know what to tell them. How 'bout the truth - I’m doing my job to make sure they can grow up in a country where justice won’t be an arcane, vanished idea they read about in history books, like the dinosaurs or the lost continent of Atlantis. Then this gem (excerpted) by David Ferrie (insanely performed by Mr. Am-A-Clown, Joe Pesci) answering Garrison’s question about “so who killed the president”: > [@](#): > > …Oh man, why don’t you stop. This is too fuckin’ big for you! Who did Kennedy? It’s a mystery wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma. Even the shooters don’t fuckin’ know! Don’t you get it yet? I can’t be talking like this. They’re gonna kill me. I’m gonna die! Boy, come to think of it, there are a lot of rants in that movie… ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/53 "2002-08-31T05:49:02Z")
How about Gene Hackman describing his trip to South Beach in The Birdcage??? ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/54 "2002-08-31T06:39:46Z")
Speaking of Tom Hanks and Joe Pesci… From _The Burbs_: > [@](#): > > Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, Art? People like Skip? People who mow their lawns forty-eight hundred times, and then SNAP?! Well, that US!! It’s not them, that’s us! WE’RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking into people’s windows! WE’RE the ones throwing garbage in the streets, and lighting fires! WE’RE the ones who’re acting suspicious and paranoid, Art WE’RE the lunatics!! It’s not them!! It’s us! And now from _Lethal Weapon 2_: > [@](#): > > They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru, okay? They FUCK YOU at the drive-thru! They know you’re gonna be miles away before you find out you got fucked! They know you’re not gonna turn around and go back, they don’t care. So who gets fucked? Ol’ Leo Getz! Okay, sure! I don’t give a fuck! I’m not eating this tuna, okay? ---
**Author:** ![Hodge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Hodge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hodge)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2002, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/55 "2002-08-31T11:14:20Z")
> [@](#): > > **Red:** Rehabilitated? Now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means. > > **Parole official:** Well, it means that you’re ready to rejoin society. > > **Red:** I know what you think it means, sonny. To me it’s just a made up word; a politician’s word. So young fellas like yourself can wear a suit, and tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did? > > **Parole official:** Well, are you? > > **Red:** There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then then, a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2002, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984/56 "2002-09-01T00:18:53Z")
Speaking of _The American President_: Mike Douglas’ end rant which ends “My name is Andrew Shepard, and I **AM** the president!” (I looked a bit online and couldn’t track it down except for the last line.) I’m not usually a Douglas fan, but this one sort of blew me away. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-rants-ever-from-the-movies/125984.md?page=2)