# Best SDMB Lines **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 25, 2002, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613 "2002-04-25T19:25:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/21 "2002-04-26T16:48:44Z")
When Pammipoo was lamenting that the McDonald’s she worked at burned down…finagle’s response is still, to this day, a line that makes me giggle with glee if not howl with laughter: “You want fires with that?” ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/22 "2002-04-26T17:34:53Z")
Seeing JAR post reminded me of a post of hers that made me laugh all day: > [@](#): > > Ah Little Tigger. You rugratlovin, jellybean eatin’, koolaid drinkin’, kitty sodomizing’, litterbox usin’, boy lovin’ kook! Shine on you crazy diamond! Can she hand out a put-down, or what? Oh, and for the unaware, here’s a link for [Gotcha ya!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1492370&highlight=gotcha#post1492370) Well worth the effort of reading, both because it’s hysterically funny and because it’s become a Board in-joke. ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/23 "2002-04-26T18:58:25Z")
Well, I may be tooting myself on the back, but my site has a [Message board quote page](http://fathom.org/jjtm/dungeon/QMessageBoards.html). No surprise that most of the quotes are from this very board. A sampling… Reckless Humor: What’s up with the Jesus-Fish? KneadToKnow: I always thought that was the Holy Mackerel. cercaria: [about the MS Word helper]That perky little paperclip will be the end of us all. The wind my point created when it flew over your head has caused a tsunami in Southeast Asia. I hope you’re happy. gobear: So we are agreed: Racism, bad; getting head, good. Fenris: Hmmm…I believe cookies were also discussed. ---
**Author:** ![Opengrave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/919ad9/32.png) [@Opengrave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Opengrave)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/24 "2002-04-26T21:37:11Z")
I still think about **mega the roo** ’s explanation of [man pickles](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=41543&perpage=50&highlight=pickles&pagenumber=2). > [@](#): > > Then I have pickle issues. I have a hard time using the ones with three holes in them (a.k.a. Man Pickles), because they more often than not, look like they’re screaming… and I KNOW that it’s because they see the ketchup bottle in my hand, coming to smother them. NP: **lacuna Coil** - _Unleashed Memories_ ---
**Author:** ![Nacho4Sara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Nacho4Sara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nacho4Sara)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2002, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/25 "2002-04-26T22:10:15Z")
I can’t even remember who said it, but the line: “Read a book. I’ve eaten things smarter than you” causes hysteria whenever I think of it. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2002, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/26 "2002-04-27T00:18:32Z")
There was a line by **jarbabyj** in one of her classic rants, [An Angry Elf](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=100954). The bitch that inspired the thread wasn’t getting her way, and said, “You run this parade very poorly, and trust me, you will suffer the consequences.” **Jar** ’s written response: > [@](#): > > The consequences. The consequences. THE CONSEQUENCES? What is this, the fucking Franco Prussian war? A mob hit? A David Mamet play? Killed me. Absolutely killed me. Another one that caused me to laugh like a fiend when I read at work was Max Torque’s name for masturbation in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=50053)…Jostlin’ the Elder. Classic. ---
**Author:** ![SisterCoyote](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@SisterCoyote](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SisterCoyote)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2002, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/27 "2002-04-27T20:08:32Z")
**gobear** sed: > [@](#): > > You are so dense your head has an event horizon. And then, there was a pederasty thread where **Esprix** sed: > [@](#): > > Adult women and men can give consent; children and animals cannot; kumquats are adamantly silent on the issue. But my all time favorite has to be **Guinistasia** speaking to Wildest Bill: > [@](#): > > Masturbation _is_ the safest sex you can have. Unless you’ve just been handling a dead woodchuck, but we won’t go there. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2002, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/28 "2002-04-27T20:14:48Z")
Funniest one I read recently was from (surprise surprise) jarbabyj, replying to a thread in which French speakers in Ontario were referred to as “Franco-Ontarians”. jarbaby’s comment: > [@](#): > > Do they make Spaghetti-Ehs? I really, really hate the “new keyboard” cliché, but I almost _had_ to post it there. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Cynical](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ee59a6/32.png) [@Mr.Cynical](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Cynical)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2002, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/29 "2002-04-27T20:35:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nacho4Sara \* > \*\*I can’t even remember who said it, but the line: “Read a book. I’ve eaten things smarter than you” causes hysteria whenever I think of it. \*\* This was iampunha, in the pit, in a rare moment of anger! ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2002, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/30 "2002-04-27T21:22:41Z")
In **Esprix’** current pit thread, **SPOOFE** just blessed us with: Abstinence is an abomination before God and nachos! ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/31 "2002-04-28T16:40:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by rocking chair \* > \*\*when someone named their rage fred. crunchy frog i believe it was. just cracked me up. \*\* Yep, that was me, originally said in [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=42439) in which I was having some difficulties with a Mr. Goodbar wrapper. The line is, “Hersheys will hear of this outrage and feel my wrath, which I have named Fred.” I may have used it again later (I think in the Welcome Wagon threads), but the candy bar incident was the first time. For myself, I’ve always liked my line from [this OP](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=27483) (which some people took a bit too seriously) for some reason: “I don’t know - My GF’s birthday. Sometime in late June, maybe early July. It’s definitely a summer month.” And from [this Pit rant about a co-worker](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=37890): “I would find listening to a John Tesh/Yoko Ono duet 8 hours a day every Saturday and Sunday while simultaneously having my body shaved with a dull straight razor by a blind man with Parkinson’s Disease more enjoyable than another weekend with you.” As for other people’s stuff, it’s not a line, but **Eve** breathed life into a dying [Halvsie, the Two-Legged Dog](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=51807&highlight=Halvsie) thread by casting him in TV shows and having him spin around like Curly from the Three Stooges. I can’t think of too many others, 11 am is actually early for me, I’ll try to get back here after I wake up. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/32 "2002-04-28T18:49:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gaudere \* > \*\*Phil replied: “If you get painted with the same brush, maybe it’s because you’re standing in the fucking paint can, huh?” 😃 \*\* That was probably my second favorite of all time, but the one that really hit me, on so many levels, was Tris’s quip in our Great Debate about [Materialism](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=94026). We were desperately trying to ascertain who or what was sufficient to supply the “verification” that they demanded was necessary to validate truth. They never answered the question, but in the process they wended all over the place, making Materialism seem more mystical than any theology I’d ever seen. Suddenly, Tris produced this gem: > [@](#): > > Wow, you materialists are a wild bunch after all! Why you won’t buy the water into wine, and walking on water is a mystery to me! ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2002, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/33 "2002-04-28T23:49:27Z")
The greatest flame in the history of the board, in the thread that is perhaps the greatest flame thread ever, [Democritus-Pucker Up, Ass Slammer!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=7224), was posted by neuro-trash grrrl > [@](#): > > Okay, why don’t the two of you just give it a fucking rest now? Each of you has your head stuck so far up the other’s ass that you look like you’ve switched bodies. Perhaps that explains the typos. Anyhow, somewhere, somehow, Sigmund Freud is reading those “yer mama” cracks and smiling. Get a life, or get a terminal disease and clear some room in this world for the people who have better things to do than engage in trite virtual sadomasochistic mutual masturbation. You both can suck my used tampons, you goat-raping, rat-stuffing inbred sons of a syphillitic gutterslut and a one-eyed midget named “Klaus”. Your conception was drug-induced, and your appearance reflects that fact. Fuck off and die. Read the thread, it’s both brutal and all in fun. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/34 "2002-04-29T00:11:06Z")
wow, how did I miss some of these? Someone recounted this line as actual dialogue from an episode of their life: “Oh my God! Carrot Top is dancing behind you!!!” How can you not crack up at that?! The Stupid Pictionary Responses thread is a bit of a gold mine, as well. ---
**Author:** ![reprise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@reprise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/reprise)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/35 "2002-04-29T00:18:17Z")
> [@](#): > > …but since Barking Spider is apparently dense enough to be used as shielding in nuclear reactors… By **Miller** , in [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=111888) current Pit thread. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/36 "2002-04-29T00:21:32Z")
A very rude telemarketer told **Cervaise** being bothered by telemarketers at all hours was his problem, because he had a telephone. He replied (paraphrasing): “I have a butthole too, but that doesn’t mean I want a running jigsaw inserted into it.” ---
**Author:** ![RaCha\_ar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@RaCha\_ar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaCha_ar)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/37 "2002-04-29T00:41:34Z")
The line that’s stuck in my mind was by **Tequila Mockingbird** , in a [Pit thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=102469) on parents having their children’s ears’ pierced. She recounted the tale of some woman telling her that her son was “too pretty to be a boy” and that she should put him in a dress. **TM’s** response? “No, you raving daffy papsmear of a woman!” Short, sweet, and unforgettable. ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/38 "2002-04-29T00:59:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Billdo \* > \*\*The greatest flame in the history of the board, in the thread that is perhaps the greatest flame thread ever, [Democritus-Pucker Up, Ass Slammer!](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=7224), was posted by neuro-trash grrrl > > Read the thread, it’s both brutal and all in fun. \*\* NTG had a style that few could match, but I think I did pretty well with: > [@](#): > > Get a real fucking life, preferably far, far away from here. You sit hunched in the basement, both brain cells furiously rubbing together as you try to impress us all with your wit and chutzpa.“My name shall be legion” you state, and parade before us not a herd of pigs, but of inane sock puppets. Despertly you search the kiddie porn archives bookmarked on your computer, searching for an ID that will convince us of your masculinity, might and enormous genetalia. Of this last, you may be suprised to learn, I am utterly convinced, not because of your nome de net, but because of the content of your posts. I am sure that your penis is large enough for you to pleasure yourself in unconventional ways. The pity is that it is clear that rather than oraly gratifing yourself like any sane auto-eroticiser, you obviously went the extra mile. I can see you busily chiseling a hole in your forehead in order to engage in self-squicking, and as a result your brain is now all gummed up and the neurons don’t fire right anymore. The fact that the sour smell impregnateing your bedsheets now eminates from your forehead should have been your first clue. Get yourself a bottlebrush and clean all the rotten jizz out of your brain. Don’t forget your hypothalamus! Next, hose off the sheets until you can bend them enough to fit in the washer, throw out all the pizza boxes and empty Dorito bags, take yourself a shower( use soap for a change), and move out of your mom’s basement, she needs the space to store all the crack her “boyfriends” give her. Find a nice apartment, walk outside, marvel at that bright light in the sky(it’s called the SUN), and walk to the nearest bus stop. When you see the next bus aproaching, stand, streach, smile at the people around you, and throw your sorry ass under the wheels. It will save the rest of us the trouble of hunting you down. ---
**Author:** ![JBERGES](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ed8c4c/32.png) [@JBERGES](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBERGES)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/39 "2002-04-29T02:21:43Z")
I read this 20 minutes ago, and am still laughing now. _Originally posted by Tars Tarkas_ Hey, i didn’t do nuthin’!! (Well, there was that one time, with the fire, and the explosions, and the screaming, and the monkeys, and the floating gas-cloud of death, and the noodles, but i apologized!!!) ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2002, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613/40 "2002-04-29T03:09:04Z")
Oh, and while we’re speaking of neuro-trash grrrl, there’s her reply to the question [Who is Cecil?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=19104) > [@](#): > > Who is Cecil? What is Cecil? Cecil is as the ebb and flow of the tides, as the solar wind dispersing the cosmic dust, as the pulsating cells of the brain. Cecil is the smile on your child’s face as he or she contemplates the knowledge in a brand new encyclopedia set, and the bill you receive for them afterward. Cecil is the dragonfly that soars on bejeweled wings, and the frog that catches the dragonfly as it zooms too low over the pond, and the alligator that eats the frog as it suns itself on a lily pad, the gator-wrestler who kills the alligator, and the heavy beer stein that smashes in the gator-wrestler’s head during a bar brawl in Baton Rouge. Cecil is as the molecular structure of our DNA, and also as the molecular structure of Grandma’s spinach-Velveeta soufflé just before it collapses, and the cheers of jubilation that follow. Cecil is the structural defect in your ice cream cone causing it to break and spill Rocky Road all over your new pants. Cecil is the physical laws that make airplanes fly, and also the physical laws that airplane designers occasionaly forget, causing devastating crashes. Cecil is the cockroach that refuses to die no matter how hard you stomp. Everything is Cecil, nothing is Cecil. Cecil is in all of us, Cecil is in none of us. Contemplating Cecil’s nature leads to cosmic enlightenment, and also migraine headaches. > > Does this answer your question? I’m still not sure why this hasn’t been added to the main Straight Dope FAQ. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-sdmb-lines/105613.md?page=3)