# Best Straight Line You've Ever Knocked Out Of The Park **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 3, 2010, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790 "2010-04-03T00:00:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![flodnak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/838e76/32.png) [@flodnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flodnak)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/21 "2010-04-03T16:02:15Z")
At a Halloween party, a friend and her husband were dressed up as a gangster and his moll - in drag. Her husband is a big guy and had somehow managed to find a dress that held him and two very large balloons which did a very poor job of looking like boobage. As the party was winding down, he came out to the kitchen to take the balloons out of the dress, but he’d had a little bit much to drink and wasn’t handling the buttons very well. So he took the bread knife and stabbed them - POW! POW! All I said was, “Oh, man, I hate when that happens.” He fell over and got a run in his stockings 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/22 "2010-04-03T16:33:04Z")
I was one of the karaoke DJs at a local bar, the other DJ was named Jesse and he was dating a waitress there. Time after time people would sing ‘Jesse’s Girl’, where the main corus line is “I wish that I had Jesse’s girl!” They were both there when a patron was done with the song and I said over the mic, “Who _hasn’t_ had Jesse’s girl?” ---
**Author:** ![Ronald\_C.Semone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cc9497/32.png) [@Ronald\_C.Semone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ronald_C.Semone)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/23 "2010-04-03T16:54:18Z")
> [@phouka](#): > > Once, while teaching at a Jewish private school, I had a migraine come on. One of my friends, the English teacher stopped by and saw how bad it was for me and offered to take the kids. She took them on a walk through of the building, stopping in the art room where there was a very large map of the world, and she talked them through a chunk of European history. > > When she returned my students, I had cold, wet cloths on the back of my neck, had covered my eyes, plugged my ears, and turned off all the lights. > > “I got them all the way up to the Spanish Inquisition,” she said. > > “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition,” I croaked. > > The poor sixth grade boys just could not get why she nearly fell over laughing. I can’t either. I don’t get the joke. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/24 "2010-04-03T18:10:05Z")
It’s a famous Monty Python sketch. The line “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition” is the oft-repeated punchline. ---
**Author:** ![zamboniracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e9a140/32.png) [@zamboniracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zamboniracer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/25 "2010-04-03T18:21:50Z")
> [@Ronald\_C.Semone](#): > > I can’t either. I don’t get the joke. [Cite](http://people.csail.mit.edu/paulfitz/spanish/script.html) ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/26 "2010-04-03T18:43:22Z")
This happened at **my wedding** (shame on me). My (now) wife and I were exchanging rings. When she went to put the ring on my finger I must have gained some weight since the fitting because it was very tight and she could only just barely jam it on. She said “it’ll never come off!” to which I replied “but you don’t WANT it to come off!”. Much amusement on the part of our guests. As my wife later remarked “there was absolutely nothing I could say to that”. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/27 "2010-04-03T18:43:47Z")
> [@montag01](#): > > I was a cinema legend for about 30 seconds. I’m not exactly known for my public outbursts, so it surprised the hell out of me and my friends, but damn everyone seemed to have a good laugh. Went to a showing of _Army of Darkness_ that was plagued by technical difficulties. They were showing the movie from its DVD, and having no end of trouble getting the audio part of the show correct. Over the 10 minutes or so this was being worked on, various other people had piped up with suggestions for what menu to try and what button to push on the remote, someone shouted out in defense of the staff “They know what they’re doing!” I replied, “Did you _just get here_?” It went over real good. The story I came in here to tell, though, was great, because I not only knocked it down, but I set it up, too. This kind of audience participation doesn’t grow on trees: Scene: the bus on the way home from middle school. Characters: me, a girl, various other kids. Situation: various other kids and the girl are discussing having babies. Me (flat affect): I can’t have babies. Girl (seriously affected by this enormous sharing of a personal tragedy): What?! Why?! Me (unbelieving that this worked): Because _I’m a boy_. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/28 "2010-04-03T19:51:51Z")
Ok, wasn’t going to tell this, but since someone brought up babies… My wife had a hell of a long labor with our first. After five hours of pushing, she gave a hearty “Uff da!” To which the OB/GYN, a tough woman from the Bronx, replied “What the hell is that?” “Oh, it’s like Oy Vay”, came the explanation from the all-female all-midwestern nursing staff. This started an afternoon of joking around, which I tried hard not to join in on… But then the mother-hopefully-soon-to-be (who had earlier eschewed a spinal tap) said “Is it too late to try something else?” I sensitively came close, and stroked her hand… “You mean like adoption, dear?” ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/29 "2010-04-03T19:59:02Z")
I very slightly remember one in one of our many Trek Doper threads about someone or whatever being beside himself or something. Maybe it was by **Tars Tarkas** , **Kn(\*)ckers**, **Aesiron** , or maybe **Wearia**. Hi, Bryan! Gotcha ya. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/30 "2010-04-03T20:20:51Z")
I’m the husband in this anecdote. But then I’m always the husband. At our wedding reception, the DJ approached our groom/bride table with the mic in hand saying, “Now, the bride and groom have a few words they’d like to say.” We were going to thank her parents for paying for the reception and tell everyone to have a great time. As the DJ is walking up and talking on the mic, he narrated his confusion, “Oh, but I don’t know who’s going to be speaking…” I reach for the mic and give a couple quick assuring nods, and address the ballroom: “I’ll be doing the speaking for both of us from now on.” The only way I’ll ever get as big of a laugh from a room that size is if I become a \*very \*successful stand up comic. ---
**Author:** ![Ronald\_C.Semone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/cc9497/32.png) [@Ronald\_C.Semone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ronald_C.Semone)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/31 "2010-04-03T22:55:44Z")
This is an instance when I was the straight man, but the reply was so good I have to repeat it. Many years ago when I was in college a group of us were discussing the hot topic of the day, above ground testing of nuclear weapons by the United States and the Soviet Union and the resulting danger of fallout. George walked by at this point and I said to him “What do you recommend for fallout?” And without missing a beat he said “Put it back in and shorten the stroke.” ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/32 "2010-04-03T23:11:36Z")
We were on a long drive (15 hrs) from college down to spring break. It was about 4am, about 2/3 through the drive, and we had just stopped at a rest stop, gotten some vending machine food, and started moving again. My friend was driving, I was riding shotgun. He had left his prepackaged honey bun on the dash on my side. He said, “Can you hand me that honey bun?” I said, “Sure thing, sweetie pie.” Hilarity ensued. The people sleeping in the backseat shot us annoyed glances. ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/33 "2010-04-03T23:28:41Z")
[Straight line](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8744243&postcount=1) [Response](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=8751270&postcount=41) ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/34 "2010-04-04T00:06:23Z")
_While working at a fast-food restaurant during a lunch rush. The last of a 2-hour stream of cars had just left the drive-thru. Chrissy was working the register; I was at the grill._ **Chrissy:** I have _had_ it! **AWB:** Oh? How many times? ====================================================== _Co-workers and I were discussing a particularly bad kids movie. Jane entered the conversation late, not hearing the plot of the movie:_ **Jane:** What’s the movie about? **AWB:** About 90 minutes. ====================================================== _The first year of fatherhood, getting a little tired of people asking how old my darling daughter CRB is:_ **Well-wishing church lady:** CRB is so cute! How old is she? **AWB:** Zero. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/35 "2010-04-04T02:15:08Z")
I woke one morning and went into the kitchen, where my wife was frying up some bacon. Me: Oh! You bought some bacon! Her: Yep! I’m bringing home the bacon, hon! \ Me: \ Oh yeah!?!? Me: \ Well I _won_ this! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/36 "2010-04-04T02:29:42Z")
> [@flodnak](#): > > At a Halloween party, a friend and her husband were dressed up as a gangster and his moll - in drag. Her husband is a big guy and had somehow managed to find a dress that held him and two very large balloons which did a very poor job of looking like boobage. > > As the party was winding down, he came out to the kitchen to take the balloons out of the dress, but he’d had a little bit much to drink and wasn’t handling the buttons very well. So he took the bread knife and stabbed them - POW! POW! > > All I said was, “Oh, man, I hate when that happens.” > > He fell over and got a run in his stockings 😛 Gentlemen, from experience I can tell you that that will be just the beginning of the disappointment. ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/37 "2010-04-04T02:39:59Z")
While in a “friendly argument” with a creationist: Creationist guy spews out a lengthy diatribe covering everything from Flood Geology to radiometric dating to irreducible complexity. I started my response; “Well, you have a surprisingly extensive vocabulary… all things considered.” ---
**Author:** ![Frostillicus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Frostillicus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frostillicus)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/38 "2010-04-04T02:41:12Z")
Back in the early 80s, I went to lunch with three co-workers, one of whom was very tiny (about 4 ft. 6). When the bill came, we all chipped in some money. The leader of our group counted the money, looked at the bill and said, “Someone’s a little short.” I think you can probably fgure out what I said at that point. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/39 "2010-04-04T04:05:00Z")
It’s at the end of my brother’s wedding reception, people are cleaning up and making sure other people get home. My brother and his new father-in-law, who are really good friends and have spent the evening punishing their respective livers, are joking around. At one point, my brother jumps up onto a table, and yells "Oh yeah? Well tonight I’m sleeping with your daughter!’ and I step up and say ‘Hey, I don’t know who you think you are, but you have to wait in line with the rest of us.’ I earned that smack upside the head. ---
**Author:** ![Svejk\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@Svejk\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Svejk_1)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2010, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790/40 "2010-04-04T04:06:10Z")
> [@davey77](#): > > I was in a college French class when we started talking about the German airplane manufacturer Fokker. A girl asks “Fokker? What’s Fokker?” > > I explained “You see, when 2 people care a great deal for one another…” Very nice. Fokker is not German, though, it is (or better: was) a Dutch company. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-straight-line-youve-ever-knocked-out-of-the-park/534790.md?page=3)