# Best Strategy if You've Just Killed an Intruder **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 5, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438 "2013-08-05T21:24:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Desert\_Nomad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desert_nomad/32/177_2.png) [@Desert\_Nomad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Desert_Nomad)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/21 "2013-08-06T05:40:43Z")
Is this a “needs answer fast” thread? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Sanity\_Challenged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de053/32.png) [@Sanity\_Challenged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sanity_Challenged)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/22 "2013-08-06T06:16:21Z")
Wow. Hiding bodies, tampering with evidence (throw down guns, dragging bodies around) - I guess I can see why gun control advocates think citizens can’t be trusted to own firearms. Too much made-for-TV drama, not enough common sense. Tampering with the evidence is unbelievably stupid. Not only is it a crime by itself, but it also helps paint a big “I’m guilty” sign on your forehead if there’s any doubt whether the killing was justified. You want the police to find as much real evidence as possible, because that will tell the real story - a story of justifiable use of force in self-defense. ---
**Author:** ![JLRogers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ce73a5/32.png) [@JLRogers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JLRogers)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/23 "2013-08-06T10:01:44Z")
Turns out barbecue is a popular option: > **[Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) - IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101921/)** > > Fried Green Tomatoes: Directed by Jon Avnet. With Kathy Bates, Mary Stuart Masterson, Mary-Louise Parker, Jessica Tandy. A housewife who is unhappy with her life befriends an old lady at a nursing home and is enthralled by the tales she tells of... > **[The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - IMDb](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072271/)** > > The Texas Chain Saw Massacre: Directed by Tobe Hooper. With Marilyn Burns, Allen Danziger, Paul A. Partain, William Vail. Five friends head out to rural Texas to visit the grave of a grandfather. On the way they stumble across what appears to be a... ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/24 "2013-08-06T10:33:26Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > Things may have changed since my time there, but back in Texas I’d always heard to make sure the body was all the way inside your house. If it was lying even half out the door, you could be in for some legal trouble. All the way inside and you’re in the clear, so drag it in if you have to. I’m sure the police would never figure that out. > [@Sanity\_Challenged](#): > > Wow. Hiding bodies, tampering with evidence (throw down guns, dragging bodies around) - I guess I can see why gun control advocates think citizens can’t be trusted to own firearms. Too much made-for-TV drama, not enough common sense. > > Tampering with the evidence is unbelievably stupid. Not only is it a crime by itself, but it also helps paint a big “I’m guilty” sign on your forehead if there’s any doubt whether the killing was justified. You want the police to find as much real evidence as possible, because that will tell the real story - a story of justifiable use of force in self-defense. I’m starting to believe things like that are said/posted by gun control advocates, either out of cluelessness or an attempt to make the other side look bad. Kind of like Biden’s idiotic recommendation to fire warning shots. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 11:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/25 "2013-08-06T11:02:56Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > I’m sure the police would never figure that out. > > I’m starting to believe things like that are said/posted by gun control advocates, either out of cluelessness or an attempt to make the other side look bad. Kind of like Biden’s idiotic recommendation to fire warning shots. Well, it’s what he tells his wife to do! Of course, he let’s the Secret Service men that surround his home, and his wife, and drive his vehicles carry full-auto AR-15s. And Uzis. And anti-tank weapons. ---
**Author:** ![the\_O](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@the\_O](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_O)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/26 "2013-08-06T11:24:34Z")
A \*friend \*will help you move. A _good friend_ will help you move a body. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/27 "2013-08-06T11:34:48Z")
> [@jz78817](#): > > I’m starting to believe things like that are said/posted by gun control advocates, either out of cluelessness or an attempt to make the other side look bad. Shit, you’d think so, but I’m not all that fond of guns personally in that I don’t have any particular desire to use one, and I know the laws at least, compared to the “hide them/drag them inside LOL” posts. (I said I’d be injured in a solo defense attempt because we do have a deer-hunting rifle-barreled shotgun at home, but I’m not trained in its use and wouldn’t use it. My husband would use it if he were there.) Meanwhile I personally know people here in Illinois who you’d think would be those stereotypical advocates trying to make reasonable gun owners look bad, but they’re actually just gung-ho over the prospect of carrying a firearm finally and acting like idiots in the process, down to practically drooling over packing heat to a bar and being able to intimidate anyone who tries to mess with them. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Gray\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c0e974/32.png) [@Gray\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gray_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/28 "2013-08-06T11:59:31Z")
> [@JLRogers](#): > > Turns out barbecue is a popular option: > > [Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) - IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101921/) > > [The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - IMDb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072271/) You jest, but this guy [actually tried it.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Tynesha_Stewart)[It didn’t work.](http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Shepherd-convicted-in-grisly-killing-of-1567242.php) I must be sick, because at the time, I LOL’d at the account from some of the witnesses. I can’t find the exact quote, but it was along the lines of, “Mmmmmm! That smells great! You sure you need it all for the wedding?” [That the killer claimed was the reason for his two days of outdoor grilling.] ---
**Author:** ![Gray\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c0e974/32.png) [@Gray\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gray_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/29 "2013-08-06T12:24:48Z")
Again, don’t do what the OP suggests. Really, don’t do it. It’s acceptable to lawfully defend yourself and others with deadly force. Don’t turn yourself into a felon afterwards. But, (there’s always a “But”) it may not be as difficult to get away with the crime as you’d think. The case of [Gregory Biggs in Fort Worth, TX](http://articles.latimes.com/2002/mar/08/news/mn-31784), who died after two to three days of being trapped in [Chante Mallard](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chante_Jawan_Mallard)’s windshield, comes to mind. The horrifying details of Mr. Biggs’s death are what stick, but I bring the case up to point out that Ms. Mallard and her two accomplices would have gotten away with the crime. It took Ms. Mallard running her mouth at a party, four months later, for police to connect the dots between the dead guy, covered in auto glass and dumped in a nearby park, and her car, which still had Mr. Biggs’s blood and tissue scattered within it. It’s not like she enlisted the help of [Mr. Wolfe](http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0001787/) from Pulp Fiction to help her clean the crime scene. What no doubt helped her group get away with it for so long was that Mallard and Biggs had no other connection, and the lack of other witnesses; both preconditions the OP specified in his post. Cynically, it also probably helped that Biggs was homeless. So, if the OP kills the intruder, bundles him up in plastic or such, drives him somewhere else, and dumps him, it might not be as easy to catch the OP as you’d think. Particularly if the intruder is a member of a class of society where the police would expect him to die of violence from another member of that class. (And thereby, not the OP.) Of course, when the police do catch the OP—for one, the OP has no way of knowing the intruder didn’t have friends who ran, or any other witnesses to the killing—they’re now going to think the OP murdered the guy. Congratulations. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/30 "2013-08-06T13:55:55Z")
> [@Ravenman](#): > > Are you kidding? Assuming I have a justifiable defense, it isn’t even up for a second of hesitation: report it. > > I think one has to be recklessly incompetent at running their own lives to risk decades in prison when they have done nothing wrong. You can’t even name an upside to the “hiding the body” option. I named several in my third paragaph. People seem to be assuming that the castle doctrine means they are automatically scot free. I don’t think this is the case - the police won’t necessarily accept that you had to kill the guy, even if you yourself know that you did. And even if you beat the rap, you’re in for a lot before you get to that point. And possibly even afterwards, if you get sued. Or worse, if his criminal buddies decide to take revenge. [Someone once posted on these MB - quoting a reliable source IIRC - that anyone who kills anyone even in completely justifiable self-defense should expect to spend at leasy $100K in legal fees. I searched brieflly and unsuccesfully for that post - this is not an easily searchable matter.] In the alternative, even in the unlikely event that you do get caught and linked to the body it’s not like you’ll automatically be found guilty. A lot of people have beaten the rap after initially lying to the police (Casey Anthony being one recent example) and your position will be that you panicked after the killing, and your position will be bolstered by the fact you have no known connection to this guy and he will most likely have a criminal record. I do agree that your chances will be a lot lower, and your best chances are the likelihood that you’ll not be linked to the killing. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs.Cake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2acd7d/32.png) [@Mrs.Cake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs.Cake)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/31 "2013-08-06T14:15:01Z")
If you are planning to kill intruders in the house and don’t want all the paperwork involved in dealing with the police afterwards, you should plan ahead and keep a few pigs on hand for body disposal. It’s clean and green! ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/32 "2013-08-06T14:24:05Z")
Assuming it was justified self-defense, my advice: - Do not move or touch the person you just killed. Do not change the scene in any way. - Call the cops ASAP. - Call your attorney ASAP. Tell him/her what happened. Do whatever your attorney tells you to do. - When the cops arrive simply tell them, “I was afraid for my life, I thought he was going to kill me (or your family member or whoever), so I stopped him.” Do NOT use the word _ **kill** _ – use the word _ **stop** _. Your goal was to stop him, not kill him. Any death is incidental. Don’t say much more than this. - The detectives will want to interview you right away. Do not agree to this. Inform them you’re eager to tell them what happened, but right now you are not in a proper state of mind to give an interview. - Visit your attorney ASAP. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/33 "2013-08-06T14:40:12Z")
“It’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up.” Or, in this case “It’s not the ‘perfectly legal act of self defense’, it’s the cover-up” Seriously, if you’re going to get thrown in prison over a cover up, you should actually commit a crime first. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/34 "2013-08-06T15:16:49Z")
Basically, what **Crafter\_Man** says. First, you call 911. “Hello, 911 - I need the police, and an ambulance. This is an emergency. There has been a shooting of an intruder. I am the home owner. The address is _:redacted:_.” Say nothing else. Unload and secure the weapon. When the police arrive, say “I was in fear of my life. I need to speak to an attorney before I answer any questions at all.” Then comes the hard part. No matter what the police say, repeat only “I need to speak to an attorney before I answer any questions.” Say nothing else. Do not admit that you shot him, do not give your side of the story, do not say anything else. Do not agree to accompany the police to the station. Do not admit anything, do not deny anything, do not say anything. Then do what your attorney tells you. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/35 "2013-08-06T15:20:59Z")
IMO the OP has seen too many movies. Dumping the body is the dumbest thing you could do, it could very well take you from self-defense to looking like a murderer. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/36 "2013-08-06T15:35:15Z")
Eat the body. Turn the bones into soup, then grind them up into little bits and flush them over the course of a few weeks down your toilet so it doesn’t get stuck. Mix bits of the stuff you couldn’t eat into random trash bags and toss them in public trash bins. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/37 "2013-08-06T15:47:00Z")
Apparently there is special [homeowners supplementary insurance](http://www.bankrate.com/finance/insurance/gun-owners-seek-self-defense-insurance.aspx) to cover justified self-defense homicide, since it’s excluded from most homeowners policies. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/38 "2013-08-06T15:55:16Z")
> [@Fotheringay-Phipps](#): > > So you find a guy sneaking around your house in middle of the night, determine that he’s a threat to your life and/or your family’s and kill the guy. Now what? > > ISTM that the two major choices are 1) to report it to the police, or 2) to put on some plastic gloves, put the guy in a big garbage bag or two, drive the guy to some isolated place and dump him off. > … > Not sure of it, but I’m leaning a bit to the latter option, in the right situation. I agree—the “right situation” being one in which the intruder is a member of the phylum _arthropoda_. Or, if he’s small enough, just flush him. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/39 "2013-08-06T16:10:41Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > First, you call 911. “Hello, 911 - I need the police, and an ambulance. This is an emergency. There has been a shooting of an intruder. I am the home owner. The address is _:redacted:_.” Say nothing else. If you redact your address, how can the police find where you live? 911: 911 You: Hello, 911 - I need the police, and an ambulance. This is an emergency. There has been a shooting of an intruder. I am the home owner. The address is _:redacted:_ 911: Can you repeat your address? You: (Checks manual, says nothing) 911: Sir? 911: Sir? OK, so it’s not really that funny. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2013, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438/40 "2013-08-06T16:23:58Z")
Is it any wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are fucking nuts? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-strategy-if-youve-just-killed-an-intruder/665438.md?page=3)