# Best villainous monologues **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 13, 2008, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748 "2008-10-13T18:18:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2008, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/81 "2008-10-16T23:50:35Z")
Does anybody know how to suggest a new topic page to [tvtropes.org](http://tvtropes.org)? I was really expecting to find something on their [Speeches and Monologues](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SpeechesAndMonologues) directory that covers the thread topic, but there’s nothing about villainous monologues as such. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2008, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/82 "2008-10-17T12:41:09Z")
Smaug : "Revenge ! Revenge? You? The King Under the Mountain is dead and where are his kin that dare seek revenge ? Girion Lord of Dale is dead and I have eaten his people like a wolf among sheep, and where are his son’s son’s that dare approach me ? I kill where I wish and none dare resist. I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today. Then I was but young and tender. Now I am old and strong, strong, STRONG ! Thief in the Shadows. My armor is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail a thunderbolt, my wings are a hurricane, and my breath . . . DEATH ! " “I kill where I wish and none dare resist” has always stuck in my head as a great villainous line. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/83 "2008-11-28T01:39:27Z")
I’m watching [url=]_Tomorrow Never Dies_ on the Sci-Fi Channel (you tell me) and this comes up: ELLIOT CARVER (supervillain/media mogul obviously inspired by Rupert Murdoch): Caesar had his legions, Napoleon had his armies, and I have my divisions – Television, Radio, Newspapers, Magazines. By this time tomorrow I will be influencing more men, women and children than anyone in history save God Himself. And the best He could manage was the Sermon on the Mount. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/84 "2008-11-28T03:55:55Z")
Jamie Lannister (yes, he IS a villain) to Edmure Tully in _A feast for crows_: “You’ve seen our numbers, Edmure. You’ve seen the ladders, the towers, the trebuchets, the rams. If i speak the command, my coz will bridge your moat and break your gate. Hundreds will die, most of them your own. Your former bannermen will make up the first wave of attackers, so you’ll start your day by killing the fathers and brothers of the men who died for you at the Twins. The second wave will be Freys, i have no lack of those. My westernmen will follow when your archers are short of arrows and your knights so weary they can hardly lift their blades. When the castle falls all those inside will be put to the sword. Your herds will be butchered, your godswood felled, your keeps and towers will burn. I’ll pull your walls down, and divert the Tumblestone over its ruins. By the time im done no man will ever know that a castle once stood here. Your wife may whelp before that. You’ll want your child, i expect. I’ll send him to you when he’s born. With a trebuchet.” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/85 "2008-11-28T04:04:35Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Great Debates is over that way. The Pit is down in the cellar. Are you kidding, Skald? That was a hella villainous monologue BrainGlutton quoted. If it had come in the context of a movie, you’d be slavering over it. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/86 "2008-11-28T04:45:42Z")
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating the truth over and over and over again for the truth to sink in…to kind of catapult the propaganda.” G.W. Bush 24 May 2005 ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/87 "2008-11-28T17:00:13Z")
Wall Street - **Gekko** - _Teldar Paper, Mr. Cromwell, Teldar Paper has 33 different vice presidents each earning over 200 thousand dollars a year. Now, I have spent the last two months analyzing what all these guys do, and I still can’t figure it out. One thing I do know is that our paper company lost 110 million dollars last year, and I’ll bet that half of that was spent in all the paperwork going back and forth between all these vice presidents. The new law of evolution in corporate America seems to be survival of the unfittest. Well, in my book you either do it right or you get eliminated. In the last seven deals that I’ve been involved with, there were 2.5 million stockholders who have made a pretax profit of 12 billion dollars. Thank you. I am not a destroyer of companies. I am a liberator of them! The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much_ ---
**Author:** ![DancinPete](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c6cbf5/32.png) [@DancinPete](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DancinPete)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/88 "2008-11-28T18:02:40Z")
from Time Bandits: Evil: “It’s a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Foretress of Ultimate Darkness? … Look, SHUT UP, I’m speaking rhetorically. I let him keep me here in order to lull him into a false sense of security. When I have the Map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding…of digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of videocassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn’t interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time! Forty-three species of parrot! Nipples for men! Slugs!! He created slugs. They can’t hear! They can’t speak! They can’t operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic? If I were creating a world, I wouldn’t mess about with butterflies and daffodils. **I would have started with lasers, eight o’clock, day one!** ” (he makes a gesture and accidentally shoots an energy bolt from his fingers; a shriek of pain from off-screen is heard) “Sorry.” ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/89 "2008-11-28T20:02:39Z")
> [@](#): > > THEIR DEFENSES ARE BROKEN! LET THE SLAUGHTER BEGIN!! ~~Megatron > [@](#): > > WHY? OH WHY? ARE GREAT MINDS ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY LESSER BEINGS?! ~~Cobra Commander ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/90 "2008-11-28T20:08:02Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Blake (Alec Baldwin) in _Glengarry Glen Ross_: \*That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that’s who I am, and you’re nothing. Nice guy? I don’t give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can’t take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don’t like it, leave. \*Mamet manages to turn profanity into an art form. > > Stranger I came in here to post that quote. I watched _Glengarry Glen Ross_ again the other night, and i’m always amazed that the most memorable character from that film is a guy who was on screen for about 5 minutes at the very beginning of the movie, and who then leaves, never to be seen again. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/91 "2008-11-28T20:18:58Z")
Not really a villainous monologue, more a monologue by a villain, but from the movie version of _The Witches of Eastwick_ (not nearly as effective in print as delivered) [QUOTE=Jack Nicholson as Daryl Van Horne] Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No shit. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S’matter? You don’t think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it… nature. So whaddya think? Women… a mistake… or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE? [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![Eutychus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Eutychus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eutychus)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/92 "2008-11-28T20:31:47Z")
Arthur Jensen’s diatribe to Howard Beale in “Network” : "You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it! Is that clear? You think you’ve merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU…WILL…ATONE! " ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/93 "2008-11-28T21:16:03Z")
I was going to post the final speech from Darkness in Legend - but I don’t know it word for word. I just remember him saying, “I am a part of you all.” ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/94 "2008-11-28T21:32:28Z")
I always liked Denis Leary’s “Mickey Mantle” speach in “Suicide Kings” > [@](#): > > Well, if you give me a couple minutes of your time, I got a few things I’d like to talk to ya about. You know, eh, what you did wasn’t really your fault. It’s what you call, a eh, genetic defect. Mom called it the, the gene. My Grandfather had the gene, he eh, came over from the boat from Ireland in 1912 and I guess he passed it on to my Old Man. My Old Man was a great guy, a real pussy cat, you know hard worker. Big sports fan, but sometimes on his way home from the docks he liked to stop in with the guys and have a couple of beers, ya know. I remember coming home from school one day, and eh, the whole house was dark. Couldn’t figure it out. I heard my Mom crying off in the dark someplace, and I was old enough at that point I could reach the light switch. I turned the lights on, and I saw, what he did to her. So I went to my room and I got, the eh, baseball bat. Mikey Mantel model my Old Man give me for Christmas, and I found the Old Man passed out in the bathtub, and I tattooed him. Needless to say, when I came home everyday from school after that, the eh, house is lit up like Ebbet’s Field, and the Old Man eh, never drank again. So all I’m saying to you is if you wanna drink, you go ahead and drink. But if I ever find out that you laid your hands on that little girl again, me and Mr. Mantle are gonna pay you a visit my friend. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/95 "2008-11-28T21:46:03Z")
oh, and one other one, from a pre- Oliver Stone Vietnam War movie, called “The Boys in Company C”. The scene is in baracks after their first day in basic. The platoon starts screwing around when one of them bounces within the reach of Tyrone Washington, the street smart, de-facto leader… He grabs recruit Pike and says to him and the rest of the platoon: > [@](#): > > You listen to me, dipshit. 'Cause I ain’t gonna repeat myself. Don’t mess with me. Don’t mess NEAR me. Don’t bring no down heat on me. Y’all’re headed for a fall, and I ain’t taking the ride, do you dig? So stay clear of Tyrone. 'Cause you’re all a bunch of fuckups! And your all going to die! Every last one of you! You too, dipshit. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/96 "2008-11-28T21:52:23Z")
Since so many other people have already beaten me to my favorite bits of Shakespeare, I offer up Bosola in _The Duchess of Malfi_: > [@](#): > > A politician is the devil’s quilted anvil; > He fashions all sins on him, and the blows > Are never heard; he may work in a lady’s chamber, > As here for proof. What rests but I reveal > All to my lord? Oh, this base quality > Of intelligencer! Why, every quality i’ th’ world > Prefers but gain or commendation: > Now for this act I am certain to be raised, > And men that paint weeds to the life are praised. > [@](#): > > Why, fare thee well. > Your brother and your self are worthy men: > You have a pair of hearts are hollow graves, > Rotten, and rotting others; and your vengeance, > Like two chained bullets, still goes arm in arm. > You may be brothers, for treason, like the plague, > Doth take much in a blood. I stand like one > That long hath ta’en a sweet and golden dream. > I am angry with myself now that I wake. ---
**Author:** ![criminey.jicket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@criminey.jicket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/criminey.jicket)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/97 "2008-11-28T22:37:49Z")
Ben Kingsley as Don Logan in _Sexy Beast_: > [@](#): > > Shut up, cunt. You louse. You got some fuckin’ neck ain’t you. Retired? Fuck off, you’re revolting. Look at your suntan, it’s leather, it’s like leather man, your skin. We could make a fucking suitcase out of you. Like a crocodile, fat crocodile, fat bastard. You look like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean? Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself. Who do you think you are? King of the castle? Cock of the walk? > [He gut-punches Gal] > [@](#): > > What you think this is the wheel of fortune? You think you can make your dough and fuck off? Leave the table? Thanks Don, see you Don, off to sunny Spain now Don, fuck off Don. Lying in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me, you think I’m gonna have that? You really think I’m gonna have that, ya ponce. All right, I’ll make it easy for you. God knows you’re fucking trying. Are you gonna do the job? It’s not a difficult question, are you gonna do the job, yes or no? ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2008, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/98 "2008-11-28T23:05:08Z")
Depending on whether you think the guys in _The Boondock Saints_ are villains: > [@](#): > > Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be sought by us. With every breath, we shall hunt them down. Each day we will spill their blood till it rains down from the skies. Do not kill, do not rape, do not steal, these are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions. These are codes of behavior and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are varying degrees of evil, we urge you lesser forms of filth not to push the bounds and cross over into true corruption, into our domain. But if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three and on that day you will reap it. And we will send you to which ever god you wish. And shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, power hath descended forth from thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command. We shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/99 "2008-11-29T00:32:16Z")
> [@Stink Fish Pot](#): > > I always liked Denis Leary’s “Mickey Mantle” speach in “Suicide Kings” I always liked scene that immediately followed, and his line on the way out the door: “Sorry about the toaster.”😃 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/100 "2008-11-29T00:52:30Z")
> [@DancinPete](#): > > from Time Bandits: An outstanding choice from an outstanding movie. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=6)