# Best villainous monologues **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 13, 2008, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748 "2008-10-13T18:18:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/101 "2008-11-29T00:57:40Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > I’ve always been rather fond of, “I expect you to die, Mr. Bond.” QFT ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/102 "2008-11-29T03:49:06Z")
Surely given the number of times that Auric Goldfinger has been mentioned in this thread, we ought to mention: > [@Auric Goldfinger](#): > > Man has climbed Mount Everest, gone to the bottom of the ocean. He’s fired rockets at the Moon, split the atom, achieved miracles in every field of human endeavor… except crime! ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/103 "2008-11-29T06:26:13Z")
> [@Der\_Trihs](#): > > I can’t find a transcript, but the enemies in _Star Control II_ ( now available as _The Ur-Quan Masters_ ) had some great ones. > [@](#): > > Alien, you have spoken the Words, and you have spoken them rightly. > We will tell you our reasons why we enslave all other sentient life. > We evolved on a hostile world, the descendants of solitary hunters. > In those ancient days, there was no Kohr-Ah or Kzer-Za, only the Ur-Quan. > We explored our world, and then the space beyond. > Here we met the six races of the Sentient Milieu, which we joined as partners. > It was on a routine planetfall that one of our Milieu scoutships first met the Dnyarri. > They were evilly intelligent creatures who could control the minds of others. > They wanted to rule the universe. We could not resist them. > For thousands of years, we were unthinking slaves to the Dnyarri. > The Dnyarri had a special liking for us Ur-Quan > so they began to tinker with our genes. They built two Ur-Quan sub-races > one Green, the thinkers and planners > the other Black, the warriors and laborers. > When the martyred genius Kzer-Za gave us the secret to defeating the Dnyarri, we destroyed them. > Then we decided that we would never again be slaves. > We would follow the Path of Now and Forever. > We decided to enslave or imprison all other intelligent life in the galaxy. > We had slave-shielded one world, when we learned that the Black Ur-Quan > under a new leader, Kohr-Ah, had devised the Eternal Doctrine > which called for the `cleansing’, the annihilation, of all non-Ur-Quan sentient life. > Before we could stop them, they burned the Yuptar race’s homeworld > and were on their way to the planet of the last remaining free race. > We met the Kohr-Ah in orbit above that planet. We confronted them. They would not submit. We fought. > When our battle was done, the Kohr-Ah were defeated. > We exiled them, sent the remnant of the Kohr-Ah fleet into the unknown reaches of the galaxy. > Then we began our own migration, moving around the galaxy in the opposite direction of the Kohr-Ah. > Captain. You have heard our words. Now you have a decision to make. > Submit to us, the Ur-Quan Kzer-Za, or face our wrath. And, even better: > [@](#): > > Although you consider us the enemy, these conclusions are flawed. We are your salvation. > We bring you peace > a peace built upon OUR social framework imposed upon your planet > a new world order in which your prosperity and security are assured by the Ur-Quan. > We will protect you from the hazards of this hostile universe, from dangers so hideous > your simple minds cannot imagine their dark scope. > Today, we are the enemy. In time, this will change. > Soon, you will come to understand the boon of slavery we force upon you > and then, you will revere and even love us for this gift. > > . . . > > In our twenty thousand years along the Path of Now and Forever > we have dominated thousands of species, yes > but we have saved hundreds from extinction. > You imagine the threat of unknown invaders, or alien pestilence borne on the solar wind. > We have seen these. But you do not acknowledge your own worst enemy, yourselves. > We have found dead worlds without number, planets ravaged by atomic fire or gaian collapse. > These planets were not rendered sterile by outside forces. > They bear sad testament to the effects of unrestrained instinct and emotion > or simple ignorance. > We will prevent such mistakes. ---
**Author:** ![Ferd\_Burfel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecccb3/32.png) [@Ferd\_Burfel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferd_Burfel)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/104 "2008-11-29T17:28:13Z")
> [@Eutychus](#): > > Arthur Jensen’s diatribe to Howard Beale in “Network” : > > "You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won’t have it! Is that clear? You think you’ve merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case! The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance! You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multinational dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels. It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU…WILL…ATONE! " I came in to post this as well. But you left out the best part. > [@Arthur Jensen](#): > > Arthur Jensen: [calmly] Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale? Since Network is taken, how about this from Cool Hand Luke? > [@](#): > > Captain, Road Prison 36: What we’ve got here is… failure to communicate. Some men you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it… well, he gets it. I don’t like it any more than you men. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/105 "2008-11-29T19:36:05Z")
My favorite quirky comedy has my favorite quirky Satan in it: [Highway 61](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102035/) features a roadtripping Satan who, short on cash, stops off at a rural Bingo game and cleans up. He wins all the prizes, even including the macrame plant holder knitted by some pious granny. As the dapper stranger leaves, sneering, with armfuls of prizes, some local hisses, “cheater!” at him, and he stops: > [@Satan](#): > > Lady, you can’t cheat at bingo. If you could, I would, but you can’t. I won because I was lucky - lucky to wind up in a town full of losers! He drops the plant holder in the trash and exits. Later, he’s buying the soul of a little girl whose father is trying to turn them into Christian music stars: > [@](#): > > Louise Watson: I’m going on tour this year until I get a record contract, then I’m going to make a video. Then they’re going to make a video of us and we’re going to be famous. Then Mommy’s going to come back and live with us. And when I grow up I’m going to do solo projects and get married to someone famous but I’m not sure who exactly. > Satan: Who told you all this? > Louise Watson: My Daddy. > Satan: Your Daddy’s lying. None of this is going to happen. You know why? Because you’re ugly. I’m sorry to say it, but you’re an ugly little girl. Just ask anyone. > Louise Watson: My Daddy says that I’m pretty and when I grow up I’m going to be a beautiful lady. > Satan: No. You’re going to be an ugly lady. You’ll probably be fat and work as a cashier and no one is going to want to marry you. You see, parents aren’t allowed to tell the truth about certain things. Now don’t cry. Don’t be upset. I don’t want to see you crying. You really want to be famous? > Louise Watson: Yes > Satan: Well maybe I can help. Would you like that? I can make you pretty and all you have to do is sign your little name. Can you do that? (Not exactly a monologue, but a lovely exchange all the same). I agree with someone above that Rutger Hauer’s speech at the end of Blade Runner is among the best. Then there’s the villain’s monologue from _Firefly_’s “The Train Job,” exceptional for other reasons… Daniel ---
**Author:** ![bramma23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@bramma23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bramma23)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/106 "2008-11-29T20:37:51Z")
So I haven’t read the entire thread but just had to had this one. Clearly, it’s not a monologue; it’s more of a stichomythic exchange. I’m also not sure how villainous it is, but it is definitely dastardly. It’s Clive Owen’s dressing down of Julia Roberts in Closer following some mutual admissions of cheating. [![]( " - YouTube") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muRw4z36WQA) ---
**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/107 "2008-11-29T21:00:23Z")
How about [Syndrome’s monologue](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBIMQxsJb_s) from The Incredibles? He even realizes that he’s delivering a villainous monologue: “See? Now you respect me … because I’m a THREAT. That’s the way it works. Turns out, there are a lot of people, whole countries, who want respect, and they will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it, I’ll get… (fends off a surprise attack from Mr. Incredible) You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it.” ---
**Author:** ![Zany\_Zeolite\_Zipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4af34b/32.png) [@Zany\_Zeolite\_Zipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zany_Zeolite_Zipper)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/108 "2008-11-29T22:13:31Z")
The following quote is from She by Haggard. I don’t think She is evil in the strictest sense of the term, but She chases her goals with such vigour and disregard for others that a strong case could be made for her villainy. > [@](#): > > “Is it, then, a crime, oh foolish man, to put away that which stands between us and our ends? Then is our life one long crime, my Holly, since day by day we destroy that we may live, since in this world none save the strongest can endure. Those who are weak must perish; the earth is to the strong, and the fruits thereof. For every tree that grows a score shall wither, that the strong one may take their share. We run to place and power over the dead bodies of those who fail and fall; ay, we win the food we eat from out of the mouths of starving babes. It is the scheme of things. Thou sayest, too, that a crime breeds evil, but therein thou dost lack experience; for out of crimes come many good things, and out of good grows much evil. The cruel rage of the tyrant may prove a blessing to the thousands who come after him, and the sweetheartedness of a holy man may make a nation slaves. Man doeth this, and doeth that from the good or evil of his heart; but he knoweth not to what end his moral sense doth prompt him; for when he striketh he is blind to where the blow shall fall, nor can he count the airy threads that weave the web of circumstance. Good and evil, love and hate, night and day, sweet and bitter, man and woman, heaven above and the earth beneath–all these things are necessary, one to the other, and who knows the end of each? I tell thee that there is a hand of fate that twines them up to bear the burden of its purpose, and all things are gathered in that great rope to which all things are needful. Therefore doth it not become us to say this thing is evil and this good, or the dark is hateful and the light lovely; for to other eyes than ours the evil may be the good and the darkness more beautiful than the day, or all alike be fair. Hearest thou, my Holly?” ---
**Author:** ![MacSpon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/34f0e0/32.png) [@MacSpon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacSpon)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2008, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/109 "2008-11-29T22:37:00Z")
From **Dangaioh** (an otherwise-awful anime): > [@](#): > > You cost me my eye, my body, and some might say my sanity. Now you might expect me to be quite pissed about it. Well, frankly, I am. But that’s not why I’m hurting you now. No. I just enjoy torturing young girls. I know it’s sick, but everyone needs a hobby. Can be found [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Awr3jvbkjPk), about about 1:55 into the clip. ---
**Author:** ![choie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/choie/32/7829_2.png) [@choie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/choie)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2008, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/110 "2008-12-01T06:37:49Z")
I’m shocked that one of the finest monologues hasn’t been mentioned yet… Of course, it starts out with dialogue that’s too good to cut out: * * * **Sideshow Bob:** You want the truth?! You can’t handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities! **Judge:** Will you get to the point? **Sideshow Bob:** Yes! Only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud. And I have the records to prove it! Here! Just look at these! Each one a work of Machivellian art! **Judge:** But why? **Sideshow Bob:** _Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king! That’s why I did this! To protect you from yourselves! Now if you don’t mind, I have a city to run._ **Judge:** Ballifs, place the mayor under arrest. **Sideshow Bob:** What?! Oh, yes, all that stuff I did. * * * From of course, _The Simpsons_, “Sideshow Bob Roberts” ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/111 "2010-02-02T03:25:35Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Maleficent taunting Prince Phillip who is chained in her dungeon. (from Disney’s Snow White) - This was Sleeping Beauty. Sorry for the zombie, but..somebody is wrong on the internet. And, it’s a perennial topic anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/112 "2010-02-02T06:00:25Z")
How is it even possible that Jules’ speech in the coffee shop has gone unmentioned in more than a hundred posts?? > [@](#): > > There’s this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker ‘fore I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin’ made me think twice. See, now I’m thinking, maybe it means you’re the evil man, and I’m the righteous man, and Mr. 9 millimeter here, he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or, it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is, you’re the weak, and I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd. ---
**Author:** ![Danimal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Danimal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danimal)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/113 "2010-02-02T06:49:54Z")
How about zur Linde in Borges’s _Deutsches Requiem_? OK, the whole story is pretty well a villainous monologue, but the third and second to last paragraphs really stand out: > [@](#): > > There are many things to destroy to erect the new order; now we know that Germany was one of those things. We have given something of our life, we have given the fortune of our beloved country. Let others curse and others weep; for my part I rejoice that our gift should be orbicular and perfect. > > There now arises over the world an implacable epoch. We forged it, we who are already its victim. What matter that England be the hammer and we the anvil? What matters is that violence reign, not the servile Christian timidities. If victory and injustice and happiness are not for Germany, let them be for other nations. Let Heaven exist, though our place be Hell. ---
**Author:** ![ministryman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f6c823/32.png) [@ministryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ministryman)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/114 "2010-02-02T15:11:25Z")
**Ahem:** The Emperor:\* “And now, young Jedi, you _will_ die.”\* ---
**Author:** ![Corner\_Case](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/corner_case/32/234_2.png) [@Corner\_Case](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corner_Case)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/115 "2010-02-02T15:12:32Z")
**Blackadder** : I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel. ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/116 "2010-02-02T16:20:33Z")
From _Othello_: > [@](#): > > Originally posted by **Iago** > Oh, sir, content you; > I follow him to serve my turn upon him. > We cannot all be masters, nor all masters > Cannot be truly follow’d. You shall mark > Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave > That, doting on his own obsequious bondage, > Wears out his time, much like his master’s ass, > For naught but provender, and when he’s old, cashier’d. > Whip me such honest knaves. Others there are > Who, trimm’d in forms and visages of duty, > Keep yet their hearts attending on themselves, > And, throwing but shows of service on their lords, > Do well by them and, when they have lin’d their coats > Do themselves homage. These fellows have some soul; > And such a one do I profess myself. For, sir, > It is as sure as you are Roderigo, > Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago. > In following him, I follow but myself; > Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty, > But seeming so, for my peculiar end; > For when my outward action doth demonstrate > The native act and figure of my heart > In complement extern, 'tis not long after > But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve > For daws to peck at. I am not what I am. > [@](#): > > Originally posted by **Othello** > Oh, that the slave had forty thousand lives! > One is too poor, too weak for my revenge. > Now do I see 'tis true. Look here, Iago, > All my fond love thus do I blow to heaven. > 'Tis gone. > Arise, black vengeance, from the hollow hell! > Yield up, O love, thy crown and hearted throne > To tyrannous hate! Swell, bosom, with thy fraught, > For ‘tis of aspics’ tongues! ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/117 "2010-02-02T16:57:19Z")
Micahel Coreleone in _The Godfather._ “It’s not personal, Sonny. It’s strictly business.” ---
**Author:** ![FordTaurusSHO94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f07891/32.png) [@FordTaurusSHO94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordTaurusSHO94)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/118 "2010-02-02T16:59:13Z")
Ozymandias in Watchmen letting them know that they aren’t fighting to stop him, as he has already done what they’ve come to stop. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/119 "2010-02-03T00:55:11Z")
I, that have neither pity, love, nor fear. Indeed, 'tis true that Henry told me of; For I have often heard my mother say I came into the world with my legs forward: Had I not reason, think ye, to make haste, And seek their ruin that usurp’d our right? The midwife wonder’d and the women cried ‘O, Jesus bless us, he is born with teeth!’ And so I was; which plainly signified That I should snarl and bite and play the dog. Then, since the heavens have shaped my body so, Let hell make crook’d my mind to answer it. I have no brother, I am like no brother; And this word ‘love,’ which graybeards call divine, Be resident in men like one another And not in me: I am myself alone. Clarence, beware; thou keep’st me from the light: But I will sort a pitchy day for thee; For I will buz abroad such prophecies That Edward shall be fearful of his life, And then, to purge his fear, I’ll be thy death. King Henry and the prince his son are gone: Clarence, thy turn is next, and then the rest, Counting myself but bad till I be best. I’ll throw thy body in another room And triumph, Henry, in thy day of doom. – Richard, Duke of Gloucester, in _Henry VI, Part 3_ (foreshadowing his villainy in _Richard III)_ ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/120 "2010-02-03T01:02:15Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > This was Sleeping Beauty. Sorry for the zombie, but..somebody is wrong on the internet. And, it’s a perennial topic anyway. Bah. I don’t believe I messed that up. I guess I can count that as my annual mistake. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=7)