# Best villainous monologues **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 13, 2008, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748 "2008-10-13T18:18:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/121 "2010-02-03T03:28:27Z")
…more resignedly Machiavellian. Lee Tracy as an ex-President in Gore Vidal’s _The Best Man_, speaking to candidate Henry Fonda about the price of leadership: > [@](#): > > Power is not a toy we give to good children. It is a weapon. And the strong man takes it and uses it. If you don’t go down there and beat Joe Cantwell to the floor with this very dirty stick, then you’ve got no business in the big league. Because if you don’t fight, the job is not for you. And it never will be. ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/122 "2010-02-03T04:08:12Z")
"‘Because of you, I feel more beautiful, newer, and more wonderful than ever before, but I will not thank you.’ is what Fassad says. ‘Blunder?’ ‘…threw me off Blunder Tower?’ I’m sorry, I don’t understand…ah. ‘off Thunder Tower. You threw me off Thunder Tower.’ He goes on to say, ‘The resulting shame, pain and woe are humiliating. Very humiliating. Therefore, I would very much like to return the favor in full. Today will be the day I make you cry…I will make you cry uncle. I do not believe I will ever lose to the likes of you again…Nwehehehehe!’ is what Fassad says. ‘Now let us begin, kind sirs. I will show a mature, grownup terribleness. And that terribleness is a very mature, grownup terribleness.’ is what Fassad says. He also adds, ‘Nwehehehehehe!’" –Fassad’s Interpreter, from Mother 3. Equal parts incoherent rant and evil monologue–what’s not to love? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/123 "2010-02-03T04:48:13Z")
[Now **here’s** a villainous monologue!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bmkUlXp5sk&feature=related) ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/124 "2010-02-03T08:02:52Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Bah. I don’t believe I messed that up. I guess I can count that as my annual mistake. No worries. So, another great, succinct line from Sleeping Beauty: “Now shall you deal with me, O prince, and all the powers of Hell!” ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 4, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/125 "2010-02-04T19:44:38Z")
I noticed this first from Penny Arcade. Apparently it’s text from Warhammer 40000. I don’t know the context nor the speaker so I’ll just quote the comic: > [@](#): > > Gabe: Did you see those Warhammer Online shots? More like World of Warhammer. Online. Craft. > Tycho: You never played tabletop games, so I’m giong to cut you some slack. Trust me. Just turn around, and walk away. > Gabe: But they’re totally ripping Blizzard off! > Tycho: Don’t say another Goddamn word. Up until now, I’ve been polite. If you say **anything** else - word **one** - I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueld by my hatred for you this \*\*fear engine \*\*will bore a hole between this world and that one. > When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming - as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of \*\*nothing \*\*will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As I slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of blubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. > I will open one of my six mouths, and I will sing the song that ends the Earth. Really wish I had the context ---
**Author:** ![Danimal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Danimal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Danimal)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/126 "2010-02-05T03:46:43Z")
At the other end of the cultural spectrum from my last monologue, there are two really fun villainous monologues from _Kill Bill, Vol. 1_. First, O-Ren Ishii: > [@](#): > > As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you’re unconvinced that a particular plan of action I’ve decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is… I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now’s the fucking time! And then, Bill: > [@](#): > > Y’all beat the hell out of that woman, but you didn’t kill her. And I put a bullet in her head, but her heart just kept on beatin’. Now, you saw that yourself with your own beautiful blue eye, did you not? We’ve done a lot of things to this lady. And if she ever wakes up, we’ll do a whole lot more. But one thing we won’t do is sneak into her room in the night like a filthy rat and kill her in her sleep. And the reason we won’t do that thing is because… that thing would lower us. ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/127 "2010-02-05T04:58:53Z")
[I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here…](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_r294bn5UI) ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/128 "2010-02-05T05:04:52Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Really wish I had the context Gabe was claiming that the Warhammer Online MMO had ripped of the basic “look” from the World of Warcraft MMO. This is pretty ridiculous as the original Warcraft game that World of Warcraft is based on totally ripped off the original look from the miniatures that the Warhammer MMO is based on. Its basically the same response you would get around here if you claimed the Lord of the Ring movies stole the idea from the Dungeons and Dragons movie. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/129 "2010-02-05T05:06:27Z")
_Madam!_ I have borne, as long as mortal could en_dure_, the ill treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you’ve taken into your _bed!_ It is not only the lowness of his birth and the general bru_tality_ of his manners which disgusts me, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards Your Ladyship. His brutal and ungentleman-like behavior, his open infi_delity_, his shameless robberies and swindling of my property, and yours. And as I cannot personally chas_tise_ this low-bred _ruffian_ - and as I cannot bear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horrible society as if it were the plague - I have decided to leave my home and never return, at least during his de_tested_ life…or during my own! (Certain syllables stressed to convey the rhythm of Leon Vitali’s delivery.) ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/130 "2010-02-05T05:33:12Z")
\*Swordfish \*was an absolute shit of a movie, but it did contain this one gem : > [@](#): > > You know what the problem with Hollywood is? They make shit. Unbelievable, unremarkable shit. > Now, I’m not some grungy wannabe filmmaker that’s searching for existentialism through a haze of bong smoke or something. No, it’s easy to pick apart bad acting, short-sighted directing, and a purely moronic stringing together of words that many of the studios term as “prose”. No, I’m talking about the lack of realism. Realism; not a pervasive element in today’s modern American cinematic vision. > Take Dog Day Afternoon, for example. Arguably Pacino’s best work, short of Scarface and Godfather Part 1, of course. Masterpiece of directing, easily Lumet’s best. The cinematography, the acting, the screenplay, all top-notch. But… they didn’t push the envelope. > Now what if in Dog Day, Sonny REALLY wanted to get away with it? What if - now here’s the tricky part - what if he started killing hostages right away? No mercy, no quarter. “Meet our demands or the pretty blonde in the bellbottoms gets it the back of the head.” Bam, splat! What, still no bus? Come on! How many innocent victims splattered across a window would it take to have the city reverse its policy on hostage situations? And this is 1976; there’s no CNN, there’s no CNBC, there’s no internet! > Now fast forward to today, present time, same situation. How quickly would the modern media make a frenzy over this? In a matter of hours, it’d be biggest story from Boston to Budapest! Ten hostages die, twenty, thirty; bam bam, right after another, all caught in high-def, computer-enhanced, color corrected. You can practically taste the brain matter. All for what? A bus, a plane? A couple of million dollars that’s federally insured? I don’t think so. Just a thought. I mean, it’s not within the realm of conventional cinema… but _what if_? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/131 "2010-02-05T05:44:37Z")
Fredo, you’re nothing to me now. You’re not a brother, you’re not a friend. I don’t want to know you or what you do. I don’t want to see you at the hotels, I don’t want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance, so I won’t be there. You understand? Pacino knows who to deliver the evil speech. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/132 "2010-02-05T10:55:35Z")
> [@](#): > > Syndrome: See? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat. That’s the way it works. Turns out there are lots of people, whole countries, that want respect, and will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it . . . > [Mr. Incredible throws a log at Syndrome, who dodges it and traps Mr. Incredible with his zero-point energy ray] > Syndrome: Oh, ho ho! You sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it . . . Should have been quoted. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/133 "2010-02-05T13:57:11Z")
From The Shawshank Redemption: > [@](#): > > Warden Samuel Norton: I’m sure by now you’ve heard. Terrible thing. Man that young, less than a year to go, trying to escape… Broke Captain Hadley’s heart to shoot him, truly it did. We just have to put it behind us… move on. > Andy Dufresne: I’m done. Everything stops. Get someone else to run your scams. > Warden Samuel Norton: [icy] Nothing stops. Nothing… or you will do the hardest time there is. No more protection from the guards. I’ll pull you out of that one-bunk Hilton and cast you down with the Sodomites. You’ll think you’ve been fucked by a train! And the library? Gone… sealed off, brick-by-brick. We’ll have us a little book barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. We’ll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?.. Or am I being obtuse? > [beat] > Warden Samuel Norton: [to Hadley] Give him another month to think about it. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/134 "2010-02-05T15:14:34Z")
“There cannot be a God because if there were one, I could not believe that I was not He.” – Nietzsche (OK, whether this is “villainous” is a matter of interpretation and viewpoint. But it is something a stock villain **would** say, except perhaps for the [Knight Templar](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/KnightTemplar) type.) ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/135 "2010-02-05T16:29:32Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > Gabe was claiming that the Warhammer Online MMO had ripped of the basic “look” from the World of Warcraft MMO. This is pretty ridiculous as the original Warcraft game that World of Warcraft is based on totally ripped off the original look from the miniatures that the Warhammer MMO is based on. Its basically the same response you would get around here if you claimed the Lord of the Ring movies stole the idea from the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Thanks, but I actually meant I wish I knew the context within Warhammer 40k. What character said that? To who? What was going on? Never having played it, I have no clue if that came from some diabolically evil character or a school play ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/136 "2010-02-05T19:13:44Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Thanks, but I actually meant I wish I knew the context within Warhammer 40k. What character said that? To who? What was going on? Never having played it, I have no clue if that came from some diabolically evil character or a school play Oh, that’s no quote. It’s all Tycho. The man has a way with words :). ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [February 5, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/137 "2010-02-05T21:19:23Z")
Brother Justin Crowe in **Carnivale** had quite a few excellent monologues in the form of his twisted sermons, but my favorite is the one he gives when he comes back to town after having been locked up in an asylum for a while (where he woke up to himself, as it were, and started exercising his diabolical powers). He strides into his church in the middle of Sunday service and delivers this speech: > [@](#): > > I have journeyed into the wilderness and returned with the love of the Lord in my heart, and His holy message etched upon my soul. Evil exists, brothers and sisters. It is written in the Book of Man with blood drawn from Lucifer’s veins. We cannot escape it. We cannot hide from it. We cannot deny it. It is part of who we are. Who I am. Who you are. The evil in you is the root of your sin. And you have sinned great sins. > > [He starts to walk down the middle aisle and cast glances at his parishioners.] You have laid down with the sister of your wife. Stolen from the cashbox at you place of work. Cheated long-time friends in business. Lied to your mother and father. You have lusted for the loins of a man. > > And I…I have committed murder. In my heart, I have killed men again and again, wishing for their deaths with loathsome desire born of malice and spite. I am an evil man. I am a sinful man. I am a man. > > But we can be saved, brothers and sisters. Yes, we can. Not through prayer, not through Bible study…but through **blood and fire**. The blood of atonement and the fire of resurrection. For only through death and rebirth can salvation be had by mortal man. Justin Crowe, the man, died in the wilderness. He died so that Justin Crowe, the Messenger of God, could be reborn this day. And once reborn, we will wield the mighty sword of our Father in holy battle. And we will strike down all those who stand against us into the depths of Hell. Amen. > > [Then he turns to the officiating minister, his foster father, and says…] Baptize me! Delivered by Clancy Brown in his deep, thunderous voice with hellfire in his eyes… fuck me, if I had been in that church, you could have knocked me down with a feather. ---
**Author:** ![Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/13edae/32.png) [@Cornelius\_Tuggerson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cornelius_Tuggerson)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/138 "2010-02-06T02:56:45Z")
Doesn’t read like much, but the delivery is incredible [QUOTE=Danny Davito as Penguin] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It’s okay to be scared; many of you won’t be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish _all_ God’s children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd _and_ 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun! [/QUOTE] ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/139 "2010-02-06T03:02:30Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > Oh, that’s no quote. It’s all Tycho. The man has a way with words :). Yeah there’s no more context than the comic. ---
**Author:** ![wedgehed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/8edcca/32.png) [@wedgehed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wedgehed)\ **Post date:** [February 6, 2010, 3:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748/140 "2010-02-06T03:06:52Z")
I can’t believe it’s taken this long to hear from Al Swearengen. [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/W2Cj5usuA-Q/hqdefault.jpg "Al Swearengen deadwood") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W2Cj5usuA-Q) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-villainous-monologues/467748.md?page=8)