# Best way to get felony conviction without much effort? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 27, 2014, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888 "2014-01-27T21:49:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/21 "2014-01-28T15:18:19Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > I once interviewed some guys just out of prison for a university assignment. They told me that the most despised prisoners were paedophiles. It was the average prisoner’s way of feeling better about themselves: they may have been violent, criminal assholes but at least they were better than goddamn paedophiles. And just to demonstrate what upstanding, paedophile hating members of society they were, they beat up paedophile prisoners at every opportunity. > > So you might want to choose an option other than kiddy porn. Another really unpopular crime is treason. Many criminals are surprisingly patriotic. So you might want to avoid anything that would get you labeled as anti-American like making terrorist threats. ---
**Author:** ![nevadaexile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb8c5e/32.png) [@nevadaexile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nevadaexile)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/22 "2014-01-28T15:29:33Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Easiest? Confess to previously committed acts. That should do it. Especially if you pick one where they are eager to “clear” the crime and where the real perpetrators are either deceased or are in prison for other crimes. Another one: Walk into a federal museum or Presidential library and deface a document, a work of art or a bust/statue. You’ll get tackled,arrested and depending upon the level of damage and your unwillingness to take a plea bargain, you’ll be a felon before you know it. ---
**Author:** ![Whiskey\_Dickens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9fc348/32.png) [@Whiskey\_Dickens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whiskey_Dickens)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/23 "2014-01-28T16:45:52Z")
> [@Typo\_Negative](#): > > You could download kiddie porn from the comort of your living room. That’ll get ya some felony charges. You could e-mail images all over the place. They will breaking down your door before you can say ‘Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea’! I don’t think this is a victimless crime. No matter if the material is old or not, you’re inadvertently inflating a market for the material. [QUOTE=TokyoBayer] This was what I was going to suggest. Hand write a note that you have a gun. They’ll just give you a small amount of cash, and you’ll be set. [/QUOTE] Also not victimless. Regardless of whether you actually have a gun, you’re scaring a teller into believing that their life is in some sort of danger. Some people need counseling for experiences like that. [QUOTE=chappachula] A life sentence–for a woman who let a 13 year old boy touch her breast. Not even child porn–just “lewd behavior”. Scary… and heartbreaking. [/QUOTE] While a life sentence might be the extreme, getting sexual with a 13 year old isn’t victimless in any way. Most (all?) states have agreed that that is abuse, and that a 13 year old isn’t able to properly consent. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/24 "2014-01-28T17:05:42Z")
What about stealing cable? [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO7cvpVPv2A](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO7cvpVPv2A) But if you have children, it might be setting a bad example. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/25 "2014-01-28T17:29:35Z")
The least effort I can think of is walking up to a uniformed police officer and deliberately stomping on his toes. Assault on a peace officer, third degree felony. Repeat as many times as you like. If you want to go bigger, toss a match into an empty building. Arson, second degree felony, first degree if it’s a habitation or house of worship. Attempted arson would be one degree lower. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/26 "2014-01-28T18:19:53Z")
Arson or stomping on a cop’s toe are bad ideas. The reason arson is a crime is that fires easily get out of control. And cops have nerve endings too. The easiest way to go to prison for a long time is to drive to your local bank, parking directly in front. Bonus points if the clerks recognize you there. Hand them a note saying that you’re armed (don’t actually have a gun) and demanding ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Then walk SLOWLY back to your car and sit down. If you go slow enough the cops might already be there. Of course this is only one felony rather than dozens, but bank robbery is a doozy, and will get you some credibility in the big house. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/27 "2014-01-28T18:29:10Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Arson or stomping on a cop’s toe are bad ideas. The reason arson is a crime is that fires easily get out of control. And cops have nerve endings too. > > The easiest way to go to prison for a long time is to drive to your local bank, parking directly in front. Bonus points if the clerks recognize you there. Hand them a note saying that you’re armed (don’t actually have a gun) and demanding ONE MILLION DOLLARS. > > Then walk SLOWLY back to your car and sit down. If you go slow enough the cops might already be there. > > Of course this is only one felony rather than dozens, but bank robbery is a doozy, and will get you some credibility in the big house. I work at a bank and this isn’t cool. Even if it’s fake, a robbery will terrify the teller. He/She will think it’s real. And, depending who you rob, this could possibly result in long-term psychological issues. I think trying to pass off obvious counterfeits is less harmful in the hypothetical scenario, and doesn’t require much more effort. Like take a picture of a dollar bill with your phone and print it off in black and white, slightly off-center. ---
**Author:** ![llcoolbj77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/eb9ed0/32.png) [@llcoolbj77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/llcoolbj77)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/28 "2014-01-28T18:55:16Z")
Unauthorized Use of a Vehicle… Take a family or friends car, with permission, and then keep it a bit longer then was originally contemplated. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/29 "2014-01-28T21:40:34Z")
Get very drunk and/or stoned. Go into your car and turn it on. Sit and wait. You are now guilty of DUI, even though you don’t go anywhere. Repeat several times, and eventually you’ll be upgraded from misdemeaner to felony. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/30 "2014-01-28T22:20:17Z")
In Texas, [steal a penny](http://www.texastribune.org/2013/03/06/lawmaker-hopes-narrow-law-covers-penny-theives/). 🙂 > [@](#): > > For the past year and a half, stealing a penny in Texas has been a felony under state law. > > Lawmakers didn’t set out to target the smallest of small-time thieves, though. It happened inadvertently in 2011 when they passed a bill aimed at curbing the growing problem of metal theft. State Rep. Tim Kleinschmidt, R-Lexington, has filed a bill to correct the goof. > > In 2011, Gov. Rick Perry signed Senate Bill 694, which edited a line in the penal code focused on theft valued at less than $20,000. The law originally classified such theft as a state jail felony if at least 50 percent of the stolen item was made of certain metals, such as copper or aluminum. SB 694, authored by state Sen. Royce West, D-Dallas, struck out the 50 percent threshold, which allowed items of any value with even tiny amounts of copper to fall under the statute. > > A penny is 2.5 percent copper, according to the U.S. Mint. If a theft occurs in a disaster area it’s bumped up by one degree, and much of Texas is currently under a drought disaster declaration, so theft of a penny can carry up to a 2-10 prison sentence. 😃 Or at least it could until recently, it may have been changed last session. Barring that, I suppose you could put up a youtube video of yourself sawing the barrel and stock off of a shotgun or making “shake and bake” meth and email the FBI and BATF a link. Provided that you have completely lost your mind, of course. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/31 "2014-01-28T23:09:24Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > I work at a bank and this isn’t cool. Even if it’s fake, a robbery will terrify the teller. He/She will think it’s real. And, depending who you rob, this could possibly result in long-term psychological issues. How about walk into a bank, stand in the middle of it, and shout, “This is a robbery! I am completely unarmed! I have NO WEAPONS!” Or, walk up to the bank guard, hold your empty hands out in front for him to easily see, and say, in a normal, conversational tone of voice, “I am here to rob this bank. Arrest me.” ---
**Author:** ![arielburns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6de8d8/32.png) [@arielburns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arielburns)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2014, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/32 "2014-01-28T23:24:52Z")
> [@grude](#): > > Let us imagine that someone wants to quickly rack up dozens and dozens of felony convictions, hell they want to get put away for decades maybe life. But they are also very moral and lazy, they don’t want to actually hurt anyone and they don’t want to have to put any effort into it, so ideally they would be able to get put away using nothing but a cheap PC or smartphone or even paper and pen. > > What would be the best way? > > I’m leaning towards either attempted conspiracy charges or conspiracy, send out some emails asking if federal prosecutors will go in with you on a money making opportunity to turn 20 million in cocaine into 40 million in cash by breaking it up and selling it. Apparently doing some research like google searches is enough to satisfy the requirement that a step be taken to commit the crime. > > Alternatively in I believe the USA and Canada child porn covers even drawn artwork, comics basically that don’t involve any children. I suppose you could produce enough “child porn” in a few hours to get a hefty sentence. > > [Criminal Charges Dropped for American Facing Year in Prison for ‘Obscene’ Manga Images](http://comicsalliance.com/canada-manga-child-pornography-case/) While I don’t know the specifics of this case, it’s my opinion that law enforcement tends to be less vigilant than more vigilant when it comes to charging crimes like this. It must have been something significant that could be provable to a jury of discerning people. Now on the topic of graphic images that are not real photos, that is an emerging conflict because the way the tide is turning, we might have graphics that look very real, but they depict dangerous and illegal subject matter. That has been on my mind because I’m wondering how dangerous this could actually become. The sexualization of children is a rampant and huge issue and has mostly been widely under-reported, has lacked justice for the victims, and there seems to be huge difficulties in stopping this kind of sick behavior. Whereas there will always be cases of hypervigilance when no crime has been committed, this is an area that as a whole has been devastatingly ignored. I’m thinking this guy did something wrong to warrant this kind of action. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2014, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/33 "2014-01-29T00:30:42Z")
> [@GreenElf](#): > > Remove the tag off of a pillow. It’s perfectly legal for the end-consumer to remove a tag from a pillow or mattress. It’s illegal for this to be done beforehand. ---
**Author:** ![GreenElf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@GreenElf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreenElf)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/34 "2014-02-10T06:27:11Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > It’s perfectly legal for the end-consumer to remove a tag from a pillow or mattress. It’s illegal for this to be done beforehand. True, but I was just kidding. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/35 "2014-02-10T06:57:21Z")
I’d go with using an old computer and color printer for counterfeiting. Newer ones won’t even print out, they detect and give a nasty warning. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Godot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/buck_godot/32/6573_2.png) [@Buck\_Godot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Godot)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/36 "2014-02-10T17:59:31Z")
For totally victimless crime I would go the threaten the POTUS route. This happens so routinely that it isn’t going to cause anyone any real stress. While you are waiting for the Secret Service to show up, download and print all you can find out about the presidents schedule, the layout of the white house any information you can find on making homemade bombs. If you have a little money to spend you might consider go to your local Walmart and buy the ingredients. Also write-up a basic plan. It doesn’t have to actually have any chance of working, just write down any old thing. The worst you would be doing is wasting the secret service members time, but catching a real live terrorist is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to them in a year, in fact they may get a promotion. The POTUS even comes out on top by looking like they are preventing terrorism, the media get a new great story, your friends and neighbors get to be on the news saying how you were so quiet and nice and how they never suspected that you had a darks side. Its win, win, win for everyone. Well, everyone but you. You end up in some cold dark hole never to see the light of day again, but at least you got your wish. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/37 "2014-02-10T18:49:54Z")
> [@Buck\_Godot](#): > > The worst you would be doing is wasting the secret service members time, Isn’t this in and of itself a felony? Can’t you be arrested for…I dunno there is probably a better way to phrase it…causing a stir for no reason whatsoever? ---
**Author:** ![Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e36b37/32.png) [@Airman\_Doors\_USAF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Airman_Doors_USAF)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/38 "2014-02-10T22:23:38Z")
Don’t pay your taxes for a few years. The IRS will eventually come for you, and you didn’t have to do a thing. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/39 "2014-02-10T23:33:10Z")
You can’t actually be arrested or serve prison time for not paying your taxes. What gets you jail time is falsifying information on tax forms. So Wesley Snipes doesn’t go to jail because he earned a million dollars and didn’t pay taxes on it, he goes to jail for writing that he has zero tax liability for that million dollars because Ohio wasn’t a state when the 16th Amendment was ratified. But yes, blatantly falsifying your tax forms year after year will rack up some felonies, plus you won’t hurt anyone’s feelings, even the IRS agents. ---
**Author:** ![GreasyJack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/df705f/32.png) [@GreasyJack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreasyJack)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888/40 "2014-02-10T23:51:17Z")
Plus you’d have to build up the tax liability in the first place in order to evade it, and that usually means work. Yuck! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-felony-conviction-without-much-effort/679888.md?page=3)