# Best way to get revenge on a food thief? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 14, 2010, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691 "2010-09-14T03:12:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/81 "2010-09-15T18:58:01Z")
I cured our food thief at work by making him believe he ate a cat food sandwich. He got really mad, but he stopped stealing food. I bought a can of Vienna Sausage, and a can of cat food. I gave the cat food to my cat, washed out the can, mashed up the Vienna Sausage and put it in the cat food can. I made a sandwich with the Vienna Sausage. We put the sandwich and the cat food can in the fridge at work. Everyone but the stealer was in on the gag. After he ate the sandwich he asked about the cat food, and we convinced him the sandwich he ate was cat food. They did tell him it wasn’t really cat food, eventually. We do still have to work with him. ---
**Author:** ![Shmendrik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Shmendrik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shmendrik)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/82 "2010-09-15T18:59:24Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@Shmendrik](#): > > > > I think most posters were concerned about criminal liability, not being sued. > > There is no possibility of criminal liability for putting Ex-lax in your own ice cream. Everybody can relax. Good old proof by repeated assertion. Works every time. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/83 "2010-09-15T18:59:49Z")
> [@Shmendrik](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > There isn’t really a question. It would never be prosecuted. There is no law against putting laxatives in your own food. There would be nothing to charge you with. > > There’s no law against putting rat poison in your own food, either. I don’t know what might happen if it was actual poison. There is no way to argue that you intended to eat it yourself in that case. That doesn’t mean a prosecutor would treat Ex-Lax as being equivalent to rat poison. Even if it was rat poison, I think you’d get a lot of people on the jury (like me) who would still think it was the thief’s own fault. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/84 "2010-09-15T19:00:09Z")
Get some ground beef. Chop up a large beet and mix it in with the beef. Make a hamburger and leave it in the fridge. Totally harmless, but they will pee red for a day or so. Should scare them massively because it will look like they are peeing blood. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/85 "2010-09-15T19:01:29Z")
> [@Shmendrik](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > There is no possibility of criminal liability for putting Ex-lax in your own ice cream. Everybody can relax. > > Good old proof by repeated assertion. Works every time. You’re the one claiming something is a crime. Let’s see the statute. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/86 "2010-09-15T19:06:33Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Get some ground beef. Chop up a large beet and mix it in with the beef. Make a hamburger and leave it in the fridge. > > Totally harmless, but they will pee red for a day or so. Should scare them massively because it will look like they are peeing blood. First of all – really? Beets make you pee red? I once ate mass quantities of borscht, and my poo was red for a day, but not really. Secondly, if you yourself peed red, would you automatically connect it to that burger that you pilfered earlier in the day? ---
**Author:** ![RedWood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f08c70/32.png) [@RedWood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedWood)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/87 "2010-09-15T19:08:59Z")
> [@teela\_brown](#): > > I don’t know if the SDMB linked thread contains my old suggestion, so I’m going to list it here. > > I read about a woman who was tired of having her sandwiches stolen out of the fridge at work. So she pulled a clump of hair out of her hairbrush and made an appetizing-looking sandwich with the big hairball hidden in the middle of it, and put the sandwich in the fridge. It was promptly stolen and the thief discovered because she screamed when she bit into the 'wich and gagged on the clump. Fired for theft, too. > > Hair isn’t poison, nor is dog or cat food. Icky, but not poisonous. Da Winnah! 😃 😃 😃 **Especially** the thief getting fired. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/88 "2010-09-15T19:13:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You’re the one claiming something is a crime. Let’s see the statute. Did you miss post 61 entirely? You couldn’t have, you quoted the entire thing. You merely dismissed it as irrelevant, when it seems to me pretty clear that it could be interpreted in a number of ways. But even if that was not the case, so what? The burden of proof is on someone saying it’s a bad idea to poison someone? Sounds like a sound reason to poison someone. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/89 "2010-09-15T19:21:54Z")
Post 61 was off-point. It was about distributing tainted food to others intentionally. It has nothing to do with having food _stolen_. The burden of proof is on someone making a positive, factual assertion that something is illegal. Opinions about “good or bad ideas” are neither here nor there. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/90 "2010-09-15T19:27:14Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Post 61 was off-point. It was about distributing tainted food to others intentionally. It has nothing to do with having food _stolen_. > > The burden of proof is on someone making a positive, factual assertion that something is illegal. Opinions about “good or bad ideas” are neither here nor there. If someone puts poison/laxatives/habaneros in their ice cream and puts it in a communal freezer with no desire to eat it themselves but instead to trick someone else into eating it wouldn’t you call that intentionally distributing tainted food to others? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/91 "2010-09-15T19:30:12Z")
No. Because the only way someone else can get it is if they steal it. I also don’t think you can compare poison to habneros or laxatives. ETA if you write in big letters “DO NOT EAT,” then how can you be accused of trying to get anyone to eat it? Short of actual, lethal poison, this is not something that would ever be prosecuted. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/92 "2010-09-15T19:31:32Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Post 61 was off-point. It was about distributing tainted food to others intentionally. It has nothing to do with having food _stolen_. If you know that someone is stealing your food, and you taint some for the specific purpose of baiting the thief with it in the hopes that he’ll eat it and suffer physically, that’s about as intentional as you can get. Do you really think that anyone in this thread who is advocating such an act is really really hoping that the poor innocent thief will NOT take the bait? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/93 "2010-09-15T19:31:33Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > First of all – really? Beets make you pee red? Have done for me. I made a big bowl of beetroot salad and ate maybe a pound of the stuff (what can I say? I was hungry). The next day, I honestly thought I was peeing blood. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/94 "2010-09-15T19:32:47Z")
Why are people so bloody concerned about the criminals anway? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/95 "2010-09-15T19:34:09Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > > Post 61 was off-point. It was about distributing tainted food to others intentionally. It has nothing to do with having food _stolen_. > > If you know that someone is stealing your food, and you taint some for the specific purpose of baiting the thief with it in the hopes that he’ll eat it and suffer physically, that’s about as intentional as you can get. Do you really think that anyone in this thread who is advocating such an act is really really hoping that the poor innocent thief will NOT take the bait? The thief can only take the bait by breaking the law. It’s not my problem if someone else breaks the law. I even wrote “DO NOT EAT” on the bag. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/96 "2010-09-15T19:42:30Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The thief can only take the bait by breaking the law. It’s not my problem if someone else breaks the law. I even wrote “DO NOT EAT” on the bag. Sure. You wrote it on there in the specific hope that the **thief would eat it anyway**. That’s intentional. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/97 "2010-09-15T19:43:25Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > If you know that someone is stealing your food, and you taint some for the specific purpose of baiting the thief with it in the hopes that he’ll eat it and suffer physically, that’s about as intentional as you can get. Do you really think that anyone in this thread who is advocating such an act is really really hoping that the poor innocent thief will NOT take the bait? > > The thief can only take the bait by breaking the law. It’s not my problem if someone else breaks the law. I even wrote “DO NOT EAT” on the bag. But booby trapping your house is illegal even if the only way someone can fall victim to your trap is to illegally enter your home. Why would this situation be any different? I swear, the second I see your name show up in a thread I just know it is getting ready to crash and burn. You come in and make incorrect sweeping generalizations, get your ass handed to you for 4 or 5 pages and then grudgingly admit you were wrong. Why not take 10 minutes and do some basic research and think about what you are going to say before you charge into an argument for once? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/98 "2010-09-15T19:44:58Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > First of all – really? Beets make you pee red? > > Have done for me. I made a big bowl of beetroot salad and ate maybe a pound of the stuff (what can I say? I was hungry). The next day, I honestly thought I was peeing blood. Huh. Not my experience. But yeah, when I saw blood in my poop, I got really concerned until I remembered what I had for dinner, lunch, and dinner again that weekend. ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/99 "2010-09-15T19:48:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > Are you 100% sure that the law would see it that way? > > If it’s non-lethal (Ex-Lax or pepper sauce, not literaly “poison”), I doubt that law enforcement is going to give a fuck. If a guy wants to go the cops and complain that he got Ex-laxed by a stolen sandwich, and the cops decide they want to investigate, then good luck to them proving anything. I don’t even know how they’d prove who put the bag there (or prove that the item wasn’t spiked, without your knowledge, after you put it there). If it’s rat poison or something, that would probably be different, but I think people are really exaggerating the real chances of prosecution for put a laxative in your own ice cream. Your argument here is simply “you won’t get caught and even if you do, you won’t be prosecuted.” It’s still against the law though, and IMO, a dumb idea. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691/100 "2010-09-15T19:53:10Z")
I think the reasoning would go something like this. May you directly poison or assault\* someone as revenge for stealing? No. May you directly poison or assault someone to prevent them from stealing? No. Attempting to commit a crime is itself a crime, involving the intent to commit the crime, combined with substantial actions taken to commit it. If you take substantial actions with the intent of poisoning or assaulting someone in defense of personal property, you are guilty of an attempted assault, without the excuse of reasonable self defense. Now, in practical terms, the DA or Plaintiff would have to convince a jury that you intended to poison or assault the food thief. This would be pretty easy to prove if the addition to the food was a dangerous or disgusting non-food item, and more difficult to prove with food items. However, it is perfectly possible for a jury to believe beyond a reasonable doubt that you did not put habaneros in your Chunky Monkey because you enjoy the flavor combination. Especially if there’s other evidence such as witnesses saying you’d complained about a food thief or something. \*Broadly speaking, causing someone to come in bodily contact with something you should realize they would not desire to come into contact with is assault and battery. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/best-way-to-get-revenge-on-a-food-thief/553691.md?page=6)