# BF/GF vs. Married. Is one less deserving of respect than the other? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 17, 2015, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901 "2015-02-17T11:29:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/1 "2015-02-17T11:29:26Z")
If a would be love interest says to you they have a BF\* or GF\*, in your mind, is it still okay to pursue said love interest? Would you pursue the same person if they were married? In what ways do you treat a married would be love interest differently than you would one that is just in a _committed_ relationship? \*BF/GF, we can take to mean is that the object of your desire is in a committed relationship. They are not merely dating. Nor is the nature of their relationship casual. [Poll is anonymous] ETA: Gays, change the pronouns around to make this thread work for you too. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 11:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/2 "2015-02-17T11:42:44Z")
It’s not appropriate to pursue someone who has clearly stated to you that they are already in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship has a legal document attached. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/3 "2015-02-17T11:43:35Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It’s not appropriate to pursue someone who has clearly stated to you that they are already in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship has a legal document attached. This. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/4 "2015-02-17T13:20:05Z")
Sandra no, got it in one. Exactly right. How is this anything but self evident? How is there a grey area? Are you asking in earnest? It’s hard to believe anyone is confused on this point, after all! ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/5 "2015-02-17T13:40:31Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It’s not appropriate to pursue someone who has clearly stated to you that they are already in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship has a legal document attached. One more for this. It’s disrespectful to both them and their partner. I don’t understand how there’s any question. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/6 "2015-02-17T13:41:46Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > It’s not appropriate to pursue someone who has clearly stated to you that they are already in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship has a legal document attached. +1 ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/7 "2015-02-17T15:59:06Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > it’s not appropriate to pursue someone who has clearly stated to you that they are already in a relationship, regardless of whether that relationship has a legal document attached. +n[sup]3[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/8 "2015-02-17T16:13:17Z")
I’ve been told a lot that since I didn’t marry my partner there is no reason for anyone to respect our relationship. Basically, if I couldn’t be troubled to have it formalized, then it’s my own lookout. I find this weird. We have been together for almost nineteen years. That is a long time and longer than a ton of marriages. We choose not to marry for our own reasons (and we do intend to marry. Eventually.) But my relationship is just as valid as anyone else’s/ ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/9 "2015-02-17T16:26:48Z")
I think there is a difference. Let’s say the attractive new intern let’s you know during casual conversation that they’re in a relationship. You mentally file that away, but at the next work party they get a little buzz going and start flirting. Do you _pursue?_ No, but that doesn’t mean you can’t flirt back a little. Relationships sometimes end, after all, and there’s nothing wrong with laying the groundwork for you to move in, right? After all, it’s not like you started it. I’m not saying you facilitate them cheating, but it’s not like you need to treat them like forbidden fruit. But if there’s a ring on that finger and they start flirting, nope, off limits, run away. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/10 "2015-02-17T16:50:39Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > \*BF/GF, we can take to mean is that the object of your desire is in a committed relationship. They are not merely dating. Nor is the nature of their relationship casual. Well, but there’s the thing: the big difference between married and BF/GF is that the latter is much more ill-defined and vague as to what level of commitment it entails. I also note that the OP asks, “a would be love interest _says to you_ they have a BF\* or GF\*” (italics mine). If you’re just going by what they say, how do you they aren’t lying about or exaggerating their relationship? Sure, they could also lie about being married, but that’s easier to check up on. That said, I can’t imagine pursuing someone who doesn’t want to be pursued, for whatever reason. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/11 "2015-02-17T16:54:29Z")
In a general sense, marriage is a public declaration that the two people in the marriage are not accepting offers for romantic/sexual relationships from other people (with exceptions, of course). If a couple is not married, then no such general, public, blanket declaration has been made. However, if a specific person lets you know that he or she is in a committed relationship—whether married or not—and isn’t open to offers from you, then you shouldn’t pursue it. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/12 "2015-02-17T16:57:53Z")
Back in my dating days (and now, too, I suppose), I simply would not pursue anyone who is already in a relationship, no matter what kind. I don’t need that kind of drama. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/13 "2015-02-17T16:59:39Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Well, but there’s the thing: the big difference between married and BF/GF is that the latter is much more ill-defined and vague as to what level of commitment it entails. > > I also note that the OP asks, “a would be love interest _says to you_ they have a BF\* or GF\*” (italics mine). If you’re just going by what they say, how do you they aren’t lying about or exaggerating their relationship? Sure, they could also lie about being married, but that’s easier to check up on. > > That said, I can’t imagine pursuing someone who doesn’t want to be pursued, for whatever reason. Agree. If someone tells you they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, then it seems to me they are letting you know that they are not available for a relationship. So even if they are lying or exaggerating their relationship, it’s because they specifically want you to know they are not interested in you. Whether actually unavailable or just not interested in you, do not pursue. ---
**Author:** ![JustinC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justinc/32/8083_2.png) [@JustinC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JustinC)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/14 "2015-02-17T17:34:10Z")
I wouldn’t do that, partly because it’s just wrong and partly because I wouldn’t want someone cheating on _me_. It may sound horribly patriarchal, sexist, old-fashioned or hokey but You Don’t Mess With Another Man’s Squeeze - Dems da rules. If you should break the rules, you need to be aware there might be significant, unforeseen consequences. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/15 "2015-02-17T17:45:05Z")
Just to clarify: we are talking about Real Life, right? Because it seems to be a fairly common trope in romantic comedies that one of the leads is already in a relationship with (or maybe even engaged to) a partner who just isn’t right for them (or is an awful person generally) when the new love interest comes along. And I think audiences are far more accepting of a protagonist who breaks up a BF/GF-type relationship, or an engagement, than of one who breaks up a marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/16 "2015-02-17T18:17:56Z")
I’m old, but doesn’t anyone date more than one person at a time? Back during the Jurassic when I was dating, that happened sometimes. Maybe I am a Bad Person, but being in a relationship did not necessarily put someone off limits for my amorous intentions in the way that engaged/married did. Is every dating relationship “going steady”, as we used to refer to it down at the malt shoppe on Whitebread Road during my misspent youth? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/17 "2015-02-17T18:19:34Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > I’ve been told a lot that since I didn’t marry my partner there is no reason for anyone to respect our relationship. Basically, if I couldn’t be troubled to have it formalized, then it’s my own lookout. > > I find this weird. We have been together for almost nineteen years. That is a long time and longer than a ton of marriages. We choose not to marry for our own reasons (and we do intend to marry. Eventually.) > > But my relationship is just as valid as anyone else’s/ I think it’s more that if you aren’t going to use the conventional short-hand for “permanently pair-bonded”, it’s on you to let others know how you want the relationship to be treated. I mean, I have a friend who is very casually seeing someone. He might introduce her as his “girlfriend”. But that relationship is nothing like your relationship with your partner. I’d invite my friend to my son’s birthday as an individual–but I’d never invite you to a social event without your partner. That’d be terribly rude. As far as the OP goes, I think it comes down to what sort of relationship it is. If someone is casually seeing someone, and there’s a tremendous chemistry between you and them, I don’t think letting them know you are interested (in a very low-key way) is a bad thing–especially if it’s someone who can avoid you easily, if they want. Leaving that sort of relationship because you met someone you like better is nothing like leaving a marriage. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/18 "2015-02-17T18:28:44Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think it’s more that if you aren’t going to use the conventional short-hand for “permanently pair-bonded”, it’s on you to let others know how you want the relationship to be treated. The rule is simple: Regardless of status—married or not—don’t “go after” someone who makes it clear that he or she isn’t interested. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/19 "2015-02-17T18:28:48Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I’m old, but doesn’t anyone date more than one person at a time? Back during the Jurassic when I was dating, that happened sometimes. Maybe I am a Bad Person, but being in a relationship did not necessarily put someone off limits for my amorous intentions in the way that engaged/married did. > > Is every dating relationship “going steady”, as we used to refer to it down at the malt shoppe on Whitebread Road during my misspent youth? > > Regards, > Shodan I think there’s plenty of casual dating going on. When I was younger, I would go out with more than one guy at a time, but these were not serious relationships and these guys were not my “boyfriends”. They were “guys I was dating”. If someone says they have a boyfriend/girlfriend, to me, that implies it is not causal and they are off limits. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2015, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901/20 "2015-02-17T18:32:10Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > The rule is simple: Regardless of status—married or not—don’t “go after” someone who makes it clear that he or she isn’t interested. Isn’t that what I said? “I’m married” makes it pretty clear. “Boyfriend” is, to me, ambiguous enough that one to make things a little more clear. And not just in terms of Romantic attraction, but all the things that have to do with how one treats a pair that is a nuclear family vs two entirely autonomous adults who spend time together regularly. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bf-gf-vs-married-is-one-less-deserving-of-respect-than-the-other/712901.md?page=2)