“Opposite.”
Ta da.
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### Author:  [@Bakhesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bakhesh)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/26 "2010-10-05T12:35:52Z")
Why does a frenchman only eat one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf
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### Author:  [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/27 "2010-10-05T13:19:17Z")
In Paris. a woman goes into a linen shop and conversation proceeds as follows:
“Combien pour cette tishtoch?”
“Cinquante francs, Madame”
"Cinquante francs! Mais, c’est un \*schmatte! \*
"Une schmatte, madame!? Quelle _chutzpah!_
This is French, but the italized words are Yiddish. It’s funnier in the French, but here’s an English translation:
How much is this tablecloth?
50 francs, Madame
50 francs! But, it’s a rag.
A rag, madame!? What _Chutzpah!_
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### Author:  [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/28 "2010-10-05T14:21:32Z")
Oooo! My favorite!
What do you call a lonely banana?
Akela.
(Akela=alone; kela=banana)
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### Author:  [@rjk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjk)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/29 "2010-10-05T14:33:16Z")
> [@The\_Punkyova](#):
>
> Several people are eating at a Chinese restaurant, and they decide to have Peking duck. One of them points out that Peking is the old name, the city is currently written Beijing. Shouldn’t the dish be called Beijing duck? They argue about this for a while, and decide to ask the waitress, and pronounce the city the same way she does. When she comes to take their order, they ask her how to pronouce the capital of China. She looks at them like they’ve gone nuts, and says, “Taipei.”
> Pity me, dear readers, this was the only joke I could remember all the way through for many years.
Why are Chinese businessmen so aggressive?
They have a Taipei personality!
(I think I heard that here long ago.)
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### Author:  [@Gymnopithys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gymnopithys)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/30 "2010-10-05T14:34:36Z")
_To be read with an Italian accent:_
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel.
Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast.
She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want to piss.
She says go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate.
She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock.
I tella her I wanna fock.
She tella me everyone wanna fock.
I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table.
She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.
I don’t even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed.
I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit.
He tella me to go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed.
He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I don’t even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: “Peace on you.”
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.
_§§§§§§§§§§
I’ve known this one for years but every time I read it I still laugh till I cry.
Copy/paste it !_
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### Author:  [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/31 "2010-10-05T14:41:17Z")
What’s better than Bonnie and Clyde?
Bonnie without Kleid!
Kleid = dress. “Bonnie without her dress on” was my German teacher’s idea of a racy joke.
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### Author:  [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/32 "2010-10-05T14:54:52Z")
> [@umop\_ap\_sdn](#):
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > \*Originally posted by fetus \*
> > **“Con” is French for “idiot”.**
>
> Uh, it apparently has another meaning too…
>
> [Lots of Jokes](http://www.lotsofjokes.com/cat_21.htm)
>
> Scroll down to the French section and it’s right in the middle of the list.
>
> :eek:
It’s a French word hat goes back at least to the 16th century, when SZhakespeare used it as part of a bilingual joke:
[QUOTE=Shakespeare’s Henry V]
Katharine. Ainsi dis-je; de elbow, de nick, et de sin. Comment appelez-vous le pied et la robe?
Alice. De foot, madame; et de coun.
Katharine. De foot et de coun! O Seigneur Dieu! ce sont mots de son mauvais, corruptible, gros, et impudique, et non pour les dames d’honneur d’user: je ne voudrais prononcer ces mots devant les seigneurs de France pour tout le monde. Foh! le foot et le coun! Neanmoins, je reciterai une autre fois ma lecon ensemble: de hand, de fingres, de nails, de arm, de elbow, de nick, de sin, de foot, de coun.
[/QUOTE]
“Foot” and “coun” are roughly the way two French obscenities are pronounced – words which a well-brought-up princess like Katharine is not supposed to know.
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### Author:  [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/33 "2010-10-05T15:11:32Z")
My mother was once reading the biography of an Israeli prime minister (Begin, maybe?) that had a really funny story about a speech that went somewhat wrong.
In classical Hebrew, _zion_ (aside from being a letter) means “to arm”. (Since you ask, Zion-the-place is an Anglization of “tzion”, an entirely different word). Among young Israelis, it came to mean… well, the Hebrew equivalent of the f-word. Possibly-Mr-Begin didn’t know this.
So he gives this speech about how Israel is not going to _zion_ her enemies, even if the world is _zion_ing them, even if the world is pressuring her to _zion_ them. Instead, Israel will _zion_ every one of her citizens, the government will _zion_ everyone, etc.
The older audience members were clapping at this impassioned speech. The younger people, as you can imagine, were laughing their heads off. I really wish I had the book so I could give you an exact transcript.
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### Author:  [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/34 "2010-10-05T16:06:41Z")
A Frenchman goes on a TV “talented pets” programme with a pig he has trained to do sums. He asks it “Pig, what is four plus five?” And the pig grunts “_neuf_”.
Then he says “Pig, what is twenty take away eleven?”. And the pig grunts “_neuf_”.
Then he says “Pig, what is three times three?”. And the pig grunts “_neuf_”.
So the presenter exclaims “What nonsense! The pig only knows the answer when it is _neuf_!”.
“Not at all!” replies the owner. “Pig, what is a hundred and twelve divided by fourteen?”. In the same moment he kicks the pig in the scrotum with all his might, and the pig squeals “_Huuuiiiiittt_!!! _Huuiiiittt_!! _Huuiitt_!”
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### Author:  [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/35 "2010-10-05T16:23:46Z")
> [@Malacandra](#):
>
> > [@matt\_mcl](#):
> >
> > No, “c’est” doesn’t have a cedilla. A cedilla is only for when you have a “c” with an /s/ sound in front of a, u, or o (where normally it would have a /k/ sound), as in “ça,” “acquiesçons”, or “reçu.”
>
> And after six years, I’m sure he’s relieved to be told this.
Well, thank Og it wasn’t me who bumped the thread.
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### Author:  [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/36 "2010-10-05T16:28:56Z")
I _KNOW_ there’s another, possibly older thread on this, because I contributed to it.
Can’t find it now on a quick search, though…
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### Author:  [@Khaki\_Campbell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khaki_Campbell)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/37 "2010-10-05T18:27:41Z")
Two Germans at an English bar :
‘Tvo Martinis, please.’
Waiter : ‘Dry ?’
‘NEIN ! ZWEI, DUMMKOPF !’
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### Author:  [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/38 "2010-10-05T18:40:02Z")
Silly song fragment from high-school German class:
_Heim, Heim auf dem Herd_
–sung to the tune of “Home, Home on the Range”; _Heim_ = home, _Herd_ = range, but the cooking area on top of the stove, not the area where cattle roam. 🙂
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### Author:  [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/39 "2010-10-05T20:47:10Z")
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf!
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### Author:  [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)
#### Post date: [October 5, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bilingual-jokes/222342/40 "2010-10-05T20:57:28Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#):
>
> > [@Malacandra](#):
> >
> > And after six years, I’m sure he’s relieved to be told this.
>
> Well, thank Og it wasn’t me who bumped the thread.
No, but I’m wondering why you thought it worth answering such an old question. 😃
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