# Bipolar neighbor I can't help nor walk away **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 10, 2016, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720 "2016-01-10T19:42:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/21 "2016-01-11T04:14:14Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I used to work at a hospital that had a psychiatric facility (3 units - locked adult, unlocked adult, and pediatric, which was locked) and I saw “Discontinue all medications” many, many times. It’s very common for this to be done for inpatients so the psychiatrist can see their baseline level, and go from there. Not one person in the psych unit believed me that I wasn’t tolerating one med well. I was outpatient at the time and went to a medical hosp. ER. Admitted as soon as the bloodtest came back with hyponatremia. I spent a week in that hospital on IVs. When I went back to the psych hospital, the Matchbook U dr. just substituted a different drug. That’s why I love my last psychiatrist at that hospital. No one else seemed concerned that previously mobile me couldn’t walk unassisted. I hope I wasn’t drooling.:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/22 "2016-01-11T04:25:21Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I grew up in a home with a lot of untreated mental health issues. It didn’t get better as the years went by and as my siblings aged. > > It was very challenging, but there came a day when I knew, continuing to engage with some of them was, in fact, endangering my own mental health. I am estranged from a few, as a result. There are times when I question, (as it’s been some years, occasionally they reach out to me), if I shouldn’t, ‘give it another try’? > > But then I remind myself how stable my life became without them and how healthy I am as a result. For me it always comes down to two simple questions: > > “How highly do I value my own mental health?” > “What would I be willing to sacrifice to protect it?” > > I wish you good luck with this very challenging situation! **“How highly do I value my own mental health?” “What would I be willing to sacrifice to protect it?”** My mental health is prized second only to my mutt. I’ll throw chocolate on the pyre if I’m allowed to keep my tea. I’m getting a bit silly, sorry. I too broke with my family for many years. I missed seeing all the little rugrat nieces and nephews grow up, marry and have kids. But I put that under the category of necessary losses. Sad. ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/23 "2016-01-11T04:35:23Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > If his wife couldn’t convince him to get proper treatment, you certainly can’t. Divorce yourself as much as possible from the situation. I don’t agree that constructive criticism will be helpful – he will not take it as you intend. It is quite likely to backfire and lead to paranoia, which could make you a target for retaliation in the form of accusations, frivolous complaints, possibly even vandalism (depending on the extremity of his disorder). I have considered this, and believe it possible. With good intention, I tried to suggest he needed a bit more time before dating. Everything about him changed and as I was thinking I needed to leave **right now** he was back to the way he had been before I said anything. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/24 "2016-01-11T04:35:46Z")
I had to end a much-cherished friendship a few years ago because of her refusal to get help for her very serious mental health issues; I do see her around town occasionally and am always cordial, and unfortunately, it sounds like everyone else in her social circle has done the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/25 "2016-01-11T04:38:37Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > Part of being emotionally healthy is setting boundaries that protect you. Recognising that this is a situation that threatens your own well-being is good. You don’t owe your neighbor your well-being and it’s ok to set that as a boundary. Very true. Thanks for reminding me. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/26 "2016-01-11T12:35:24Z")
> [@Eliahna](#): > > Part of being emotionally healthy is setting boundaries that protect you. Recognising that this is a situation that threatens your own well-being is good. You don’t owe your neighbor your well-being and it’s ok to set that as a boundary. A thousand times this. As somebody who, as a kid, was famous for soaking up everyone else’s emotional trauma…yep. As an adult I’ve gone the polar opposite. I finally found a balance/bvoundary which works for me: _I can have all the sympathy in the world for you, but I’m deliberately keeping you at arm’s length because I don’t want to jeopardize MY stability with your instability._ I did exactly this with an old friend who at the time refused to be diagnosed. It was spectacularly obvious to everyone he on the bipolar spectrum, though. After spending one too many episodes in the ER with him walking away for my own sanity trumped whatever sympathy I’d had. ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/27 "2016-01-11T13:33:20Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > “I can’t do any more than I’ve been doing without jeopardizing my own hard won stability.” > > You said all that needs saying, right there. That’s your answer. Congratulations on getting that far yourself, and bless your heart! This is so true. I have helped a couple of friends (but I was in a good place myself.) I’ve tried to help one or two others, but they continually relapse. You need to look out for yourself first (that way you might be able to help others from a position of strength.) ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/28 "2016-01-11T20:01:43Z")
When I took Pooch out very late last night, I saw all the lights on in Fred’s yard (unusual) and Fred’s vehicle was gone. It was still gone about an hour ago. I saw a police car pull into Fred’s yard and went over. Seems Fred went out for a joy ride last night, in a vehicle he’d told me wasn’t safe to drive. The police brought him home sometime on the midnight shift. His vehicle was left in town. Now truck and neighbor are gone. Officer said if I ever found Fred in the state he’d been in on Saturday at my house to call 911 as police have the power to section someone into the hospital. And to call if/when I see Fred’s vehicle in the yard so they can do a wellness check. sighhhhh Well, I’ll keep an eye out for the vehicle and call the police as I’ve been asked to do. Sometimes I think that this will not end well.☹ Y’all have been a great help, many thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2016, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/29 "2016-01-11T23:03:15Z")
> [@Whatever4](#): > > […] > > Y’all have been a great help, many thanks. Sounds like you have, too. Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![lalaith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@lalaith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lalaith)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/30 "2016-01-12T02:10:20Z")
> [@Whatever4](#): > > Thank you **lalaith**. I had bouts of depression from age 15 that were attributed to adolescence. I sought treatment off and on throughout my 20s and 30s. Always for depression. I didn’t get a diagnosis of bipolar until I was about 52 or 53. The dr. who made that diagnosis is a saint. When he told me he could help me but I was on too many drugs for him to determine what the problem was, I realized one can be drugged to the gills and still be giddy with relief. I’ll be 67 later this month and I feel that finally I’m ok. Whether or not Fred will be so lucky, who knows. > [@Whatever4](#): > > When I took Pooch out very late last night, I saw all the lights on in Fred’s yard (unusual) and Fred’s vehicle was gone. It was still gone about an hour ago. I saw a police car pull into Fred’s yard and went over. Seems Fred went out for a joy ride last night, in a vehicle he’d told me wasn’t safe to drive. The police brought him home sometime on the midnight shift. His vehicle was left in town. Now truck and neighbor are gone. Officer said if I ever found Fred in the state he’d been in on Saturday at my house to call 911 as police have the power to section someone into the hospital. And to call if/when I see Fred’s vehicle in the yard so they can do a wellness check. sighhhhh > > Well, I’ll keep an eye out for the vehicle and call the police as I’ve been asked to do. > > Sometimes I think that this will not end well.☹ > > Y’all have been a great help, many thanks. You were young when first diagnosed, so open to the idea there might be something wrong. Older people a lot less so. As far as they’re concerned, they made it this far so it must be all right. The broken relationships, the destruction that they’ve left behind them is something they either don’t really see or tend to blame on other people. He’s got to whether you want to say hit bottom or have a wake-up call or reach a turning point. Whatever you call it, _HE_ has to get there. Then he’ll have a chance to get better. That’s not on you and I hope you understand that. Call the police as asked. If he gets placed on an involuntary hold, maybe that will wake him up. You’ve heard from person after person on this thread who has been where you are now. We’ve all tried to help someone with mental illness and found out you really can’t and comes a point you have to distance for your own sake. ---
**Author:** ![lalaith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@lalaith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lalaith)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/31 "2016-01-12T02:12:21Z")
> [@Robert163](#): > > Is that your blog? I used to see it over on IMDB… I like it a lot Yes, it is. And thank you much. That’s something I rarely hear. It’s nice to know someone likes it. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/32 "2016-01-12T05:00:41Z")
I’ve bookmarked it, it’s now on my reading list. **Whatever4** , I don’t know if your neighbor will get the treatment he needs and be able to get better, and what I would have said has mostly been said, but I just wanted to add my hope that this whole mess will not hurt you. And don’t ever apologize for being silly 🙂 If I had to apologize for every time I’m being silly I’d spend a quarter of my life apologizing, so tiresome! ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/33 "2016-01-12T06:43:09Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I’ve bookmarked it, it’s now on my reading list. > **Whatever4** , I don’t know if your neighbor will get the treatment he needs and be able to get better, and what I would have said has mostly been said, but I just wanted to add my hope that this whole mess will not hurt you. > > And don’t ever apologize for being silly 🙂 If I had to apologize for every time I’m being silly I’d spend a quarter of my life apologizing, so tiresome! Oh, wonderful. A silly Doper friend. Do you like bubbles? I’ve left a message for the police chief that Fred is back, with a new vehicle. I’ve written to Wilma and told her I was removing myself from her drama. When I see Fred, I will say the same. I’m not going to shun him; but neither am I going to seek him out; and he never comes in my house again I can tell from the sense of relief I’m feeling that I’ve made the best decision for me. Now I’m going to play with my doggie, work on my dollhouses and other crafts, and treasure my peace of mind. Oh, and invite Nava to come be silly with me.😃 And read the Dope, of course. Many many thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/34 "2016-01-12T06:50:11Z")
> [@lalaith](#): > > You were young when first diagnosed, so open to the idea there might be something wrong. Older people a lot less so. As far as they’re concerned, they made it this far so it must be all right. The broken relationships, the destruction that they’ve left behind them is something they either don’t really see or tend to blame on other people. > > He’s got to whether you want to say hit bottom or have a wake-up call or reach a turning point. Whatever you call it, _HE_ has to get there. Then he’ll have a chance to get better. That’s not on you and I hope you understand that. > > Call the police as asked. If he gets placed on an involuntary hold, maybe that will wake him up. > > You’ve heard from person after person on this thread who has been where you are now. We’ve all tried to help someone with mental illness and found out you really can’t and comes a point you have to distance for your own sake. Wise words. I hadn’t thought too much about age being significant. Even at 50 I was desperate for help. I didn’t much care what they called it, I just wanted them to fix it. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/35 "2016-01-12T12:58:32Z")
Adding to the choir: it looks to me that your impression of the whole situation is sound. A friendly distance is good, and Fred might even thank you later for staying distant enough so he could’t screw up his contact with you. As to how, can you practice the brief cordial smiling wave-or-nod, followed by immediately breaking eye contact to get re-absorbed in your own business of adressing your dog, picking up something from the ground, walking away, looking at your phone, stuff lije that? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/36 "2016-01-12T15:39:29Z")
> [@Whatever4](#): > > I can tell from the sense of relief I’m feeling that I’ve made the best decision for me. I was in a relationship with a person who had issues that they denied or minimized (I’m pretty sure it was Borderline Personality Disorder). One day after yet another argument she told me she was breaking up with me yet again, I decided that I wasn’t going to chase her back, and felt a profound sense of relief that the whole confusing nightmare was over. That feeling is the sign that you made the best decision for you - like everyone else said, you can’t fix someone else’s problems for them, if they refuse to do it then you can just isolate yourself from the damage. ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/37 "2016-01-12T19:20:19Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Adding to the choir: it looks to me that your impression of the whole situation is sound. A friendly distance is good, and Fred might even thank you later for staying distant enough so he could’t screw up his contact with you. As to how, can you practice the brief cordial smiling wave-or-nod, followed by immediately breaking eye contact to get re-absorbed in your own business of adressing your dog, picking up something from the ground, walking away, looking at your phone, stuff lije that? I’m very good at that. Couple off well-meaning but seldom sober types live on my road.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2016, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/38 "2016-01-12T19:26:16Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > I was in a relationship with a person who had issues that they denied or minimized (I’m pretty sure it was Borderline Personality Disorder). One day after yet another argument she told me she was breaking up with me yet again, I decided that I wasn’t going to chase her back, and felt a profound sense of relief that the whole confusing nightmare was over. That feeling is the sign that you made the best decision for you - like everyone else said, you can’t fix someone else’s problems for them, if they refuse to do it then you can just isolate yourself from the damage. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. {{{Pantastic}}} ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2016, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/39 "2016-01-13T20:47:46Z")
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. The only thing I’d add to all of the good advice here is to pay attention to that sense you’re getting that he may be dangerous. I volunteered as a crisis counselor for a few years, and listening to that “little voice” is critical. Your instincts are usually right and your safety should come first. Mental and physical. Keep yourself safe and avoid him. It truly sounds like an involuntary hold would be best for him right now. He needs professional help. ---
**Author:** ![Whatever4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@Whatever4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Whatever4)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2016, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720/40 "2016-01-14T03:47:32Z")
> [@ddsun](#): > > I’m sorry that you’re going through this. The only thing I’d add to all of the good advice here is to pay attention to that sense you’re getting that he may be dangerous. I volunteered as a crisis counselor for a few years, and listening to that “little voice” is critical. Your instincts are usually right and your safety should come first. Mental and physical. Keep yourself safe and avoid him. > > It truly sounds like an involuntary hold would be best for him right now. He needs professional help. Thank you for your advice. I remember well that queasy-cold feeling I had when I realized Fred was becoming increasingly agitated and several knives were within his reach. And I’ve also seen him look blankly at me and then focus when he realized I was there. That was the time he was punching the walls, the solid wood walls, when I walked in. I am eagerly awaiting my new cell phone. I certainly won’t leave home without it. The police have more info on him than before. “It isn’t that he’s having a tough time with his separation, officer, it’s that he needs to be hospitalized.” I also gave them a description of his new vehicle and vanity license plate, so I feel a bit safer. And neighbors on both sides are on alert as well. I really can’t thank y’all enough for taking the time to help me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bipolar-neighbor-i-cant-help-nor-walk-away/742720.md?page=3)