# BIR: Weddings and Receptions are NOT just for the bride and groom **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 31, 2007, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760 "2007-07-31T01:31:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/41 "2007-08-01T16:01:41Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] Yes. They can offer the kosher food for the orthodox people and the non-kosher for everybody else. [/QUOTE] I’m not sure if you’re familiar with kosher law, but from what I’m given to understand, preparing non-kosher food (and serving it) in a kosher area automatically nullifies any previous kosher-ness of the kosher food. I really think you’re being ridiculous about this, especially if you’ve ever taken it to the point that the guests did in **Scarlett** ’s post. I honestly don’t understand this “feed me exactly what I want even if it violates your own beliefs” crap you’re pulling as anything but being a whiny, spoiled picky eater. It’s not like they’re trying to poison you, for crying out loud. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/42 "2007-08-01T16:03:04Z")
I planned our wedding around the ‘it’s not just for us’ concept - trying to please everyone else whilst still retaining some control and trying to make it our day too. I hated walking down the aisle and everyone looking at me. I hated having to say my vows in front of everybody. I hated posting for the photography. The stress leading up to the wedding was unbelievable, partially caused by the fact we were having it in the garden of my parents’ country property. I even found the reception after to be stressful, because I was so tired yet I had to make sure I went round all the tables and spent time with people. The best part of my wedding was the bbq we had the next day with selected friends and family. There was no pressure, my mum took care of everything and I could just relax. To be honest, if I were doing it all again, we’ve have simply gone down to the local registery office, signed the paperwork, then gone somewhere for a nice meal with friends and family. Yes, some people would have been miffed that we hadn’t done the full wedding thing but they’d have gotten over it. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/43 "2007-08-01T16:11:23Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] All that stuff sounds disgusting to me, and yes, I would notice. Basically, you would be showing a contemptuous disregard for the preferences of your guests in order to impose your own santimonious morality on them. If you’re not willing to serve people something they want to eat, don’t invite them to dinner. That’s incredibly rude on your part. [/QUOTE] You really have meat with every meal? Vegetarian food doesn’t have to be rabbit food–you’ve never had baked ziti, fetuccini alfredo, pasta with pesto, hell-- cheese pizza?? That all disgusts you? I guess you would know the person well enough to know that they wouldn’t serve meat, and then you could decline the invitation. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/44 "2007-08-01T16:15:07Z")
[QUOTE=nashiitashii] I’m not sure if you’re familiar with kosher law, but from what I’m given to understand, preparing non-kosher food (and serving it) in a kosher area automatically nullifies any previous kosher-ness of the kosher food. [/quote] They can be served together as long as they’re on separate dishes with separate utensiles. A kosher kitchen isn’t supposed to have non-kosher food prepared in it, but it can still be prepared in a separate kitchen or catered or ordered in. Kosher selections would have meat anyway, so it isn’t really the same as being denied anything edible simply to serve the shrill, moralistic agenda of the host. > [@](#): > > I really think you’re being ridiculous about this, especially if you’ve ever taken it to the point that the guests did in **Scarlett** ’s post. I honestly don’t understand this “feed me exactly what I want even if it violates your own beliefs” crap you’re pulling as anything but being a whiny, spoiled picky eater. It’s not like they’re trying to poison you, for crying out loud. I didn’t say “serve me whatever I want,” I said “don’t be rude.” If you’re going to invite someone to dinner, then make an effort to serve them something they will find palatable or satisfying. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/45 "2007-08-01T16:21:25Z")
[QUOTE=gigi] You really have meat with every meal? Vegetarian food doesn’t have to be rabbit food–you’ve never had baked ziti, fetuccini alfredo, pasta with pesto, hell-- cheese pizza?? That all disgusts you? [/quote] It’s not all disgusting, but I never feel satisfied or “full,” unless I’ve consumed some flesh. > [@](#): > > I guess you would know the person well enough to know that they wouldn’t serve meat, and then you could decline the invitation. In the past, I’ve just made sure to pound down a couple of burgers before I go. Then I’ll just hang out but I won’t eat anything at the party. I don’t make an issue of it or say anything. I just understand that I won’t be getting fed, so I eat before I get there. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/46 "2007-08-01T16:26:37Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] I didn’t say “serve me whatever I want,” I said “don’t be rude.” If you’re going to invite someone to dinner, then make an effort to serve them something they will find palatable or satisfying. [/QUOTE] Which is why I said that I wouldn’t serve “weird vegetarian food” I’d serve mainstream food that happened to not have meat in it. But don’t worry, I would never invite someone like you to my wedding; you’re not in any danger of having to suffer through the meal. I’ve seen you on the boards for long enough to know that I’d never want to meet you in person. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/47 "2007-08-01T16:27:26Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] Kosher selections would have meat anyway, so it isn’t really the same as being denied anything edible simply to serve the shrill, moralistic agenda of the host. . [/QUOTE] Not if they also contained any form of dairy. So, for example, in order for Lasagna to be Kosher it must also be vegetarian. Honestly, although I agree with you up to a point on some things, you’re the shrill one here. ---
**Author:** ![Cattitude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@Cattitude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cattitude)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/48 "2007-08-01T16:28:06Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] I don’t think it’s rude. There is no obligation to throw a party, but if you ARE going to thrwo a party, then it has to be about the guests, not about you. [/QUOTE] No way. The wedding is about the couple. They will remember that date forever. You will not. Do you remember and celebrate the anniversary of all the weddings and parties you ever went too? Of course not. Because it’s NOT about you. But that couple will because it is their day. You are an observer. You have an option to be there even. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/49 "2007-08-01T16:41:33Z")
[QUOTE=Cattitude] No way. The wedding is about the couple. They will remember that date forever. You will not. Do you remember and celebrate the anniversary of all the weddings and parties you ever went too? Of course not. Because it’s NOT about you. But that couple will because it is their day. You are an observer. You have an option to be there even. [/QUOTE] The _party_ is for the guests. ---
**Author:** ![Dottygumdrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Dottygumdrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dottygumdrop)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/50 "2007-08-01T16:44:21Z")
Whoa! The whole, “your wedding is not about you” vibe in here is frightening! This is why we eloped! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/51 "2007-08-01T16:44:45Z")
[QUOTE=OpalCat] Which is why I said that I wouldn’t serve “weird vegetarian food” I’d serve mainstream food that happened to not have meat in it. [/quote] A lot of people do not find a meal to be satisfying inlss it has some meat in it somewhere. I’m not the only one. > [@](#): > > But don’t worry, I would never invite someone like you to my wedding; you’re not in any danger of having to suffer through the meal. I’ve seen you on the boards for long enough to know that I’d never want to meet you in person. I can’t tell you how mutual this feeling is. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/52 "2007-08-01T16:56:30Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] A lot of people do not find a meal to be satisfying inlss it has some meat in it somewhere. I’m not the only one. [/QUOTE] This really isn’t something that most people share with others when being invited to a wedding, and can’t be assumed to be something that generally everyone feels. I really don’t see how it’s rude to not provide something that is not generally considered mandatory by the majority of the people involved in planning it. This is turning into a “dollar dance” type discussion, so I might as well bow out because I’m not likely to change your mind on what I consider a silly matter. ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/53 "2007-08-01T16:58:30Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] A lot of people do not find a meal to be satisfying inlss it has some meat in it somewhere. I’m not the only one. [/QUOTE] Just to add on to this (speaking only for myself), while I certainly can go without meat for a meal, I can’t count the number of times I’ve looked at something and thought, “That would look good if it had some meat in it.” It’s not so much a love of meat as not being fond of veggies or tofu. That’s not to say I wouldn’t try the food, but odds are good I wouldn’t eat as much as normal, and would still be hungry after, simply because vegetarian food generally doesn’t appeal to me much. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/54 "2007-08-01T17:03:15Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] All that stuff sounds disgusting to me, and yes, I would notice. [/QUOTE] Vegetarian lasagna and cheese tortellini sound disgusting and you’d notice? It’s not like she’s saying she’s going to serve a vegan Tofurky or anything, she’d be serving food that is on the menu of every high end (very high end, in some cases) Italian restaurant in the country. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/55 "2007-08-01T17:06:25Z")
Back to the OP, I think it’s important to note that in the U.S., the bride and groom frequently pay for a significant portion of the wedding (if not all of it) themselves. Weddings here can be very cost-prohibitive, and I think that, combined with the idea that you _have_ to have some huge, white wedding contributes significantly to the party being all about the couple. That said, my husband is Indian. His dad feels the same way about more or less any party as you do about weddings, which is fine. To accommodate him and my husband’s side of the family during our marriage, we had both Indian ceremonies and a Unitarian ceremony and allowed his dad to provide us with a guest list. We made sure there would be vegan food, vegetarian food and meat. We also provided my father-in-law with 50 additional invitations in the event he forgot someone. Turned out he forgot 350 someones, so he had our invitations copied, send an extra 400, which resulted in us getting many acceptances from people we had never heard of. Which would have been just dandy if we hadn’t been paying for most of the wedding by ourselves. We also had limited space and the caterer we had decided to use before his dad invited all those people was expensive. Nonetheless, we had to accommodate about 100 people more than we were originally expecting because many of them only RSVP’d a few days prior to the event. I think a marriage is about family and friends; however, if I’m paying thousands of dollars for it, I expect to have at least some say in how many. I don’t have the financial resources my husband’s dad has - he owns several companies. I and my husband do not. Our wedding, which originally would have been well within budget for the two of us and wouldn’t have caused a blip on our financial radar, wound up costing several thousand dollars more than we had planned for because of the unexpected guests. Fortunately, we were able to cover it, but I expect that many couples want to limit who they invite because they don’t want to start their married lives deeply in debt. Just my experience/opinion, though. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/56 "2007-08-01T17:18:34Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] If you hate being the center of attention, why on earth would you have a wedding ceremony? [/QUOTE] Because it was important to my parents and my in-laws. > [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > They can be served together as long as they’re on separate dishes with separate utensiles. A kosher kitchen isn’t supposed to have non-kosher food prepared in it, but it can still be prepared in a separate kitchen or catered or ordered in. That requires basically two caterers, which is expensive and a logistical nightmare. It also limits where you can have your reception (you couldn’t have it in the synagogue, because they don’t allow you to bring in non-kosher food). And the funny thing is, my non-kosher-keeping family managed just fine, nobody complained, and everybody actually liked the food. I actually got an email a couple of weeks later from my aunt (who does not keep kosher and is not vegetarian) comparing our wedding to another, more expensive, wedding she had been to, where steaks were served. She said she liked the pasta in an artichoke-vodka sauce we served at our reception better than the steaks… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/57 "2007-08-01T17:18:39Z")
[QUOTE=DiosaBellissima] Vegetarian lasagna and cheese tortellini sound disgusting and you’d notice? It’s not like she’s saying she’s going to serve a vegan Tofurky or anything, she’d be serving food that is on the menu of every high end (very high end, in some cases) Italian restaurant in the country. [/QUOTE] I guess it was the broccoli quiche that struck me as disgusting. I shouldn’t have said it ALL was. The other stuff isn’t so much repulsive to me as just unappealing and unsatisfying. Just to be clear, this is not something I would say to the hosts. I’d keep my feelings to myself and just refrain from eating much (or at all). I would not be a rude guest. As a _host_, however, I know how disappointed and nonplussed I feel about not being able to find some dead animal on a buffet table so I always want to make sure there was something there for fellow carnivores. I _also_ make sure to provide some vegetarian items and at least one entree, especially if I knew there were going to be some vegetarians there. My goal would be to satisfy my guests, not myself. I’m a former cook and I still _like_ to cook and I always make a genuine effort to tailor meals specifically to the guests, or mix of guests who I’ve invited. I do not want a veggie guest to have to nibble on breadsticks and side salads anymore than I want the carnies to have to pke thrugh a pasta salad hoping to find a bit of ham. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/58 "2007-08-01T17:21:18Z")
Argh. The whole wedding meals etiquette thing is another reason I wish we’d eloped. We made an effort to satisfy the vegetarians (including me) and the omnivores, and we even had a gluten-free entree for the attendee who has celiac disease. We wanted it to be German-themed for an Oktoberfest-style feel (autumn wedding, we love German food and beer, we had an after-party at a German brewhouse (-haus?) once the afternoon reception had ended). My husband is of Italian descent and we had the wedding in the Chicago suburbs, and what does damned near every one of my relatives say? “Where’s the Italian food?” :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/59 "2007-08-01T17:21:59Z")
[QUOTE=Anne Neville] Because it was important to my parents and my in-laws. That requires basically two caterers, which is expensive and a logistical nightmare. It also limits where you can have your reception (you couldn’t have it in the synagogue, because they don’t allow you to bring in non-kosher food). And the funny thing is, my non-kosher-keeping family managed just fine, nobody complained, and everybody actually liked the food. I actually got an email a couple of weeks later from my aunt (who does not keep kosher and is not vegetarian) comparing our wedding to another, more expensive, wedding she had been to, where steaks were served. She said she liked the pasta in an artichoke-vodka sauce we served at our reception better than the steaks… [/QUOTE] I think the kosher thing isn’t really a good comparison because it still offers a broad enough selection of food that most anybody would be satisfied. I don’t know anybody who doesn’t _like_ kosher food, even if they aren’t kosher themselves (I think kosher spreads are yummy). ---
**Author:** ![saoirse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@saoirse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saoirse)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2007, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760/60 "2007-08-01T18:25:00Z")
I hate vegetarianism as much as anybody, but I would never expect a veg bride to serve meat at her reception. It may be a silly stand, but it’s the bride’s stand and she shouldn’t be expected to change he principles just because she has guests. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/bir-weddings-and-receptions-are-not-just-for-the-bride-and-groom/413760.md?page=4)