# Birds and Bees for a 3 year-old. Why not just be straight about it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180 "2012-11-26T18:26:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/41 "2012-11-26T19:37:24Z")
I’ve told them the baby stays in a special place in mommy’s tummy called a uterus. They seemed to get it, like the different rooms in a house. It’s all the house, but different things take place in different rooms. In your tummy you have your stomach room, uterus room, bladder room, etc. I also explained daddy’s do not have a uterus and don’t grow babies. (Now of course this could be changing in the future, but they don’t have to learn that. They are probably confused enough as it is, LOL). edit: I should probably point out I am currently pregnant, so it makes it a little easier to explain these things when they have a visual aid to compare things to. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/42 "2012-11-26T19:48:06Z")
I’m pretty sure I got told at about 3-4, not sure when exactly, but I remember already knowing it when we had the first sex ed class at school, which I think was at about age 6-7. I also remember other kids whose parents _didn’t_ explain it to them having some pretty weird ideas which they cheerfully spread… My friend’s just-turned-4 year old certainly knows what mating is, having seen some ducks acting in a terribly inappropriate manner this spring, and it just doesn’t appear to interest her any more than any other bit of info does. At that age, it’s just a thing to know, among millions of other things, and I don’t see how making it into some big deal and a mystery is a better way of stopping curiosity from turning inappropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Sateryn76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Sateryn76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sateryn76)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/43 "2012-11-26T20:00:55Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > When my daughter was 4 or 5 she asked about reproduction. I covered the whole sperm and egg thing. Each time I tried to skim over details she asked appropriate questions to keep me on track. I think the important thing is to answer at the level the child wants to know. I did the sperm and egg talk around the same age, using those words but also a lot of analogy to seeds and such. The beauty thing of it is that most kids that age aren’t too deep, and they almost never ask how, specifically, the seed gets planted. So it was a literal explanation, without the details about gentials. Just a few weeks ago, my 8 year old son started asking questions again, mostly about childbrith, and I got to explain about the vagina, and how it has a hole for the baby to come out, and the uterine lining, and even touched on the mucus plug (if only to gross him and husband out). Again, no questions about semen or orgasm or thrusting or anything. I don’t see how talking straight to your 3 year old is going to be harmful or “oversex” them or whatever you’re afraid of. Unless you pull the conversation toward it, the child is going to have no awareness of sexuality, and therefore, won’t need to be told about cum and banging and all of that. The science is actually quite simple, and when it’s time to talk about the heavy stuff in the teens, you’ll be able to focus on emotional landmines and such, since the mechanics are out of the way. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/44 "2012-11-26T20:13:38Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > I guarantee your experience is unique… Thank you for the guarantee! Amazing! ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/45 "2012-11-26T20:14:14Z")
Just talked with my mother. She said she and Dad answered questions using the Invisible Man and Invisible woman models and sent me to fetch the encyclopedia for pics depicting reproduction. No cutesy terms used. (I don’t remember this.) She said she warned me not to discuss it at school or with my friends because the subject embarrasses some people and might make them feel bad. Admitted I didn’t take her advice, and she said “Too bad for their parents. We’re teachers, what would you expect us to tell you about biology? We raised you to believe facts over fiction.” ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/46 "2012-11-26T21:02:41Z")
Why are you guys, including **Leaffan** himself, acting like he didn’t answer the question about why he doesn’t want his children to know? He explained it: he doesn’t want them to have sex the nexttime they play house and want to have babies. Depending on the kids, this can be a legitimate concern. I know I as a kid encountered kids who were trying to pretend to make babies–luckily they didn’t know where babies actually came from and just had a doctor go get one from the nursery. Then again, you also have kids like me who were completely unconcerned about where babies came from, and wound up getting in trouble with an overzealous teacher because, after she read us a Greek myth about a girl getting impregnated, I told a girl it would be neat if she had a baby, and that I would help. (By pouring water on her, like happened in the book.) Maybe a little knowledge that sex was connected with having babies would have helped me understand what the teacher was so upset about. But I assume most of you would say that the teacher shouldn’t have been upset at all–hence calling her overzealous. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/47 "2012-11-26T21:29:36Z")
I am not a parent, so my thoughts may not necessarily be practical, but it is the sort of thing I’ve thought about. I think lying to your kids with some obnoxious story about storks or whatever just sets a precedence that you can’t be trusted, so I can agree with the OP that being straight with kids is better. However, I think it’s also important to both understand what they’re really asking and explain it in a way that they can understand. To that end, I think it sort of depends on the way they’re asking it. If a 3yo asks where babies come from out of the blue, I don’t think getting into biological specifics is necessary or even really answering the question they’re really asking. Maybe the kid realizes that adults used to be kids and kids used to be babies so they’re wondering about that. Maybe the kid realizes that they had some beginning. Maybe you all told him he’s going to have a little brother or sister and wants to understand that. None of those curiousities are really particularly addressed by explaining the biological process, much of which is probably over the kid’s head anyway. For instance, I know when I was that age, though I knew girls were different, I sure didn’t have an understanding of how, other than their hair and clothes and toys and all. Sure, it was around that age that I knew the whole, “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina”, but it was a pretty nebulous and meaningless concept. So my thought on it has always been that you should know your kid, what he does and doesn’t understand, certainly to a better degree than anyone else, and you should also have some context around the question that he asked, so you ought to be able to come up with an explanation that is both honest and also actually addressing the curiousity that the kid has. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/48 "2012-11-26T21:48:13Z")
I have heard of prents getting in trouble when mandated reporters caught wind of their kid getting a non-shaming, sex-positive Talk. I’ve worried about that myself (not that I have or plan to have young kids), that either someone will find a non-shaming Talk is indistinguishable from abuse or someone will deem a non-shaming Talk abusive. But I think people who are uptight about it are mostly, to a greater or lesser degree, creating a false dichotomy between stammering circumlocution on one side and showing the kid BDSM porn on the other. The nuts and bolts, as **Happy** put it, seems about right to me; you don’t have to go into detail about why or even how, but there’s no reason to fudge the what. > [@Sam\_I\_Am](#): > > That resolved it for a bit, until she came back with “but how does the sperm get to the egg?”. So I explained sex in general clinical terms. And we got a great book from the library: A Child is Born. > > To be honest, it was hard for me to be matter of fact and clear, and not beat around the bush. But it is very important to me to do so; I come from a background of abuse and nothing was talked about clearly. I got a book from my parents. It described orgasm (without using the word). I forget the exact description, but I do remember that it was mentioned as “sometimes separately but usually together.” It’s a good thing I read Dan Savage between that and actually having sex. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/49 "2012-11-26T21:49:26Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Why are you guys, including **Leaffan** himself, acting like he didn’t answer the question about why he doesn’t want his children to know? He explained it: he doesn’t want them to have sex the nexttime they play house and want to have babies. Depending on the kids, this can be a legitimate concern. I know I as a kid encountered kids who were trying to pretend to make babies–luckily they didn’t know where babies actually came from and just had a doctor go get one from the nursery. This is retarded. Children can’t have sex with eachother, and exploration is a natural part of growing up. A “legitimate concern”? Has there ever been an example of a couple of 3 year olds learning where babies came from in the big picture sense and then suddenly attempting to do something they are physically too immature to succeed at? Seriously. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/50 "2012-11-26T21:57:45Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > This is retarded. Children can’t have sex with eachother, and exploration is a natural part of growing up. A “legitimate concern”? Has there ever been an example of a couple of 3 year olds learning where babies came from in the big picture sense and then suddenly attempting to do something they are physically too immature to succeed at? Seriously. Look, lady, I’ve got a list of studies a hundred entries long that demonstrate not only that three year olds can indeed fuck but that education is the leading cause of child pregnancy. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/51 "2012-11-26T22:08:15Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Look, lady, I’ve got a list of studies a hundred entries long that demonstrate not only that three year olds can indeed fuck but that education is the leading cause of child pregnancy. Lol. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![FlyByNight512](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/82dd89/32.png) [@FlyByNight512](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyByNight512)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/52 "2012-11-26T22:12:25Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > I guarantee your experience is unique, and I’m guessing non-Baptist, non-Catholic, non-fundamentalist, non-Methodist, non-Pentecostal…the story of Easter is one of the Big Two. Not sure how you were lucky enough to escape the horror. What are you guaranteeing that with? As someone who grew up fundamentalist Baptist and was never shown anything more gruesome than an artful crucifix, I’d like to collect. Back on topic, I learned about the birds and the bees and the rest of the animal kingdom from biology books. They make babies by matching up genitalia, for the most part. Somewhere in there I was told or figured out that humans did the same. It was really no big deal. Though I did embarrass the hell out of my parents once - to keep kids entertained during the sermon, there was a drawing prompt that tied in with what the pastor was talking about. The sermon was about the marriage bed - yup, I knew what that meant, so I drew it as accurately as my six year old self knew how! (Hey, most of the animal mating pics I’d seen were of horses, so my sense of scale was a bit off…) It never occurred to me that it was inappropriate, everyone knows that adults do that when they’re married, and it’s fun. See? They’re smiling! I actually had a surprisingly healthy view of sex at that age. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the same for my kids, but I suspect this is one of those plans that never survives first contact with the enemy. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/53 "2012-11-26T22:26:47Z")
You should totally be straight up about it, because if you’re not, you can’t experience awesome stuff like this: My friend was taking care of my four year old, and took her (along with friend’s three kids) out to run errands. They ran into my friend’s (extremely conservative) Baptist minister, who asked where the extra kid came from. My daughter answered, “from my mommy’s va- house,” remembering mid-sentence that it’s not polite to talk about vaginas in public. Later, at a soccer game, she turned to another kid and said, “I came out of my mommy’s vagina, how about you?” I guess in her mind it’s OK if you keep the conversation in your age group. Seriously, parenting is answering all their questions in a way they can understand, without launching into a lecture that’s beyond their interest or comprehension. Sex, death, religion, nutrition, education, the alphabet, Minecraft - you basically should approach it all the same way, IMHO. (On preview, I see FlyByNight512 has an even better story than mine!) ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/54 "2012-11-26T22:26:52Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I’ve told them the baby stays in a special place in mommy’s tummy called a uterus. They seemed to get it, like the different rooms in a house. It’s all the house, but different things take place in different rooms. > In your tummy you have your stomach room, uterus room, bladder room, etc. I also explained daddy’s do not have a uterus and don’t grow babies. (Now of course this could be changing in the future, but they don’t have to learn that. They are probably confused enough as it is, LOL). > > edit: I should probably point out I am currently pregnant, so it makes it a little easier to explain these things when they have a visual aid to compare things to. You’re a good mom. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/55 "2012-11-26T22:36:05Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > He knows mommy doesn’t have a penis, she has a vagina and so do other girls. He’ll state the fact, but he’s of course fuzzy on the details. I suspect that to him ‘vagina’ may just be a good word for ‘absence of penis’. Well there’s the potential problem, though probably not that serious. You could leave the child with some misimpressions and a curiousity that isn’t resolved in a constructive manner. You have be able to answer more questions, and you don’t know if there are more questions unspoken, so you’ve got to have a little more prepared to deal with that. I’d go with the minimal information necessary to explain it. Remember the old joke where a child asks “Where did I come from?”, and after the long explanation the parent asks “Why did you want to know?”, and the kid responds, “Because Billy said he came from Iowa, but this story is way better!”. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/56 "2012-11-26T22:37:53Z")
Thanks. I have a good no nonsense mom who explained things to me in a straight forward age appropriate manner when I was young, so I have a good role model in my own mother. I sincerely believe the more I demystify sex the less likely they are to be unsafe or to have sex too early. I want my children to be smart not sheltered and ignorant. I did get into trouble though in kindergarten. The teacher stepped out of the room one time during class and some of my classmates were discussing how babies were born. One child said out of the belly button. I was upset they were getting it wrong so I stood on a table where everyone could see and hear me, and said no, they come out of here! While pointing to my crotch. The teacher walked back in at that point and my mom said she received a very angry phone call from the teacher, “Mrs. So and so, while you may be ok with your daughter knowing where babies come from not all parents are. Please explain to April to keep those things to herself.” ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/57 "2012-11-26T22:39:47Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I know that some people would be shocked by this exchange, but I honestly don’t see why: > > Me - There’s a baby in her tummy. > 3 y/o - In her tummy? > Me - Yep. > 3 y/o - Why? > Me - That’s where it grows until it’s big enough to be born. > 3 y/o - How does it come out? > Me - It comes out of her vagina. > 3 y/o - Does it? > Me - Yep. > 3 y/o - Oh. Can I watch Mighty Machines? > Me - Yep. > > Possibly later: > > 3 y/o - How did the baby get in her tummy? > Me - The daddy put his penis in her vagina and it made a tiny baby. > 3 y/o - … > > This is hypothetical, since it hasn’t come up yet…but when it does, I really don’t see the exchange going too much differently. Why should it? This is pretty much exactly how it happened with my daughter. Can’t remember the exact age, but as soon as she asked me about babies, she got the flat truth just like that. If you raise your child with science, these things are going to come up. I know it feels good to think there is something parents can do that will guarantee that children never engage in sexual exploration while they are still children, but there is no way to guarantee that, especially not by withholding information. Teach kids about the science of reproduction in simple honest terms and they will be better for it, I think. Teach your child what is and isn’t appropriate for a child to do, and they will be better for that, too. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/58 "2012-11-26T23:06:44Z")
My four-and-a-half year old and I have had some conversations about it. I taught her to use the words “fanny” (it means vagina in Aus/UK) and “doodle” for the reproductive organs, mostly for my own amusement. When we started talking about babies and things, I used the proper words. She’s old enough to understand two different words for the same thing. She knows babies grow in mummy’s tummy, and they come out of her vagina when they are born. She knows her brother got stuck and the doctor had to get him out. She asked once how the baby starts growing in mummy’s tummy and I said mummy and daddy have a special kind of cuddle when they want to make a baby. She seems to ask for more information periodically and I wing it on those occasions. So far she hadn’t pushed for anything I don’t want to tell her. It’s pretty easy to misdirect the conversation if she starts down a path I’m not interested in so I know I have that in reserve, and I will sometimes tell her that we’ll talk more about what she’s asking when she’s a bit older. I haven’t decided what age is right for the mechanics talk. I guess I’ll know it when we get there. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/59 "2012-11-26T23:13:41Z")
I’ve had bigger problems with my daughter prancing around the house saying how she is sexy and she thinks boys are cute, at age 5. I tell her it is inappropriate for her to act like that, but I fail to be able to logically explain why. My son told his sister she looked sexy while she was doing this the other day, and all I could say was we don’t talk like that. You are too young to be sexy. I do not talk about being sexy, so I guess this is part of the price I pay for having to put my kids in day care. I can’t control what other children say or do around them, and that sucks. I also had a hard time explaining to my twins why they couldn’t be bf and gf and marry each other some day. I know it is innocent talk because all they know is that people are bf/gf and get married because they love each other, and they naturally are very close being twins, but it made me uncomfortable telling them they couldn’t do that without being able to adequately explain why without being inappropriate. So I simply told them it is illegal, LOL. I think I may have scared them 😛 Give me the sex talk any day, I can logically explain that, but trying to explain to a 5 year old why certain things are not appropriate is so much harder. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/60 "2012-11-26T23:18:28Z")
I had the talk with my kid when he was about 4. I said, more or less, that babies come out of a special place in mommy’s tummy that mommies have and daddies do not have, and that having a baby makes a mommy’s tummy swell up, with the baby growing inside. When he asked how babies got in there, I explained (not graphically) about penises and vaginas. However, I must have screwed it up by not being specific enough about the whole male-female thing, because the next day my kid saw an extremely obese man walking down the street and exclaimed (loudly!) something along the lines of “Oh look, that guy must have TEN babies in his tummy! I bet that took a LOT of penises!” :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180.md?page=4)