# Birds and Bees for a 3 year-old. Why not just be straight about it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 26, 2012, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180 "2012-11-26T18:26:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/81 "2012-11-27T03:18:27Z")
> [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](#): > > I can’t get behind “special kind of cuddle.” The kid may understand the concept of two different words for the same thng, that that doesn’t mean an understanding of “special kinds of cuddles” as being (I hope) different in kind from the sort of cuddling with which the child is familiar. I’m pretty confident I know my kid well enough to know what she can grasp and what she can’t. She understands there’s a special kind of cuddling that mummies and daddies do that’s different to the cuddles we all have together. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/82 "2012-11-27T03:56:25Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > This is likely to come up fairly soon around our house, because we’ve got a three-year-old and I’m pregnant. My daughter knows where babies grow and how they get out, along with C-section variation, but she hasn’t asked how they get there. Yet. > > When she does, I’m inclined to give her the simplified, age-appropriate truth. I don’t believe that this will make her try it out herself (or that \*not \*telling her the truth will prevent sexual experimentation). Is there anything I’m missing? Is there any other reason not to tell her the simplified basics? > > I got the basics at three, when my mother was pregnant with my brother… Waitaminute…my wife has a brother three years younger than her, and we have a three-year-old daughter, and my wife’s pregnant, and she had a C-section, and we tend to be straight-up with our daughter about such things… Wife? Is that you? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/83 "2012-11-27T03:59:06Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Waitaminute…my wife has a brother three years younger than her, and we have a three-year-old daughter, and my wife’s pregnant, and she had a C-section, and we tend to be straight-up with our daughter about such things… > > Wife? Is that you? awkward :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Springtime_for_Spacers)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/84 "2012-11-27T04:12:59Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > I see no value in describing any murder to a kid younger than 12, but I’m crazy like that. Seriously? Crown of thorns, spear, hung by nails from a cross and that’s not gory? Sheesh You forgot the bit about the lance in his side and giving him vinegar on a sponge when he was thirsty. That was what made me most upset when I was a kid. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/85 "2012-11-27T05:46:43Z")
> [@Springtime\_for\_Spacers](#): > > You forgot the bit about the lance in his side and giving him vinegar on a sponge when he was thirsty. That was what made me most upset when I was a kid. Hope someone explained later that (a) the lance in the side came when he was already dead and (b) vinegar was not the extremely sour condiment you put on food but a milder-tasting wine-based liquid, usually watered, and what the guard himself was sipping when he got thirsty. ---
**Author:** ![heathen\_earthling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/13edae/32.png) [@heathen\_earthling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/heathen_earthling)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/86 "2012-11-27T06:47:12Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > 3 y/o - How does it come out? > Me - It comes out of her vagina. > 3 y/o - Does it? > Me - Yep. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. I guess this answer can just be whatever was the case for the child asking the question? > [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > 3 y/o - How did the baby get in her tummy? > Me - The daddy put his penis in her vagina and it made a tiny baby. > 3 y/o - … Do people think it is really important to mention sex here, so dads don’t feel left out? If the discussion went like this, you haven’t given any less or worse information: 3 y/o - How did the baby get in her tummy? Me - A little cell inside mommy began to split into many cells, and the many cells turned into special cells for various purposes and parts of the baby, until an entire baby was formed. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/87 "2012-11-27T07:18:28Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > I know that some people would be shocked by this exchange, but I honestly don’t see why: > > Me - There’s a baby in her tummy. > 3 y/o - In her tummy? > Me - Yep. > 3 y/o - Why? > Me - That’s where it grows until it’s big enough to be born. > 3 y/o - How does it come out? > Me - It comes out of her vagina. > 3 y/o - Does it? > Me - Yep. > 3 y/o - Oh. Can I watch Mighty Machines? > Me - Yep. > > Possibly later: > > 3 y/o - How did the baby get in her tummy? > Me - The daddy put his penis in her vagina and it made a tiny baby. > 3 y/o - … > > This is hypothetical, since it hasn’t come up yet…but when it does, I really don’t see the exchange going too much differently. Why should it? Nothing wrong with it, but I don’t know if that’s what would happen for us. My son is almost three, and he doesn’t know the word “vagina” yet. He doesn’t seem much interested in that stuff. Of course, he’s still just learning to talk – he said a full, grammatical, complex sentence for the first time the other day: “I don’t see Mommy anywhere!” So the only reason the conversation might go differently is that I don’t know how long it will be before his vocabulary will be large enough and he’ll be able to carry on such a sophisticated conversation. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/88 "2012-11-27T10:56:28Z")
I’ve left explaining most of the nitty-gritty details of sex up to the wonderful folks at the BBC - mostly David Attenborough, who doesn’t shy away from the details of animal mating, but other nature doccies too. My daughter, by 3, being a keen naturalist, was well aware of the basic details of animal reproduction - eggs, fertilization (internal and external), mating, sexual differentiation, metamorphosis, even the weirdness of cuttlefish “transvestitism”. Couple that with seeing me and her mom naked most every day, and it was a short leap to human differences and reproduction. We also got her an age-appropriate book on it around that time. We do usually say “womb” rather than “uterus” because that’s a word she already knew from Christmas stories, but otherwise it’s “penis”, “vagina”, “fertilize”. Going to probably have to train her not to call it “mating” when it’s people, though - it makes her sound like a Vulcan 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/89 "2012-11-27T13:01:50Z")
> [@MrDibble](#): > > Going to probably have to train her not to call it “mating” when it’s people, though - it makes her sound like a Vulcan 🙂 Hell, I was a horrible dad. My kids probably didn’t know about Pon Farr when they were 3 - everything was all Next Gen at the time! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/90 "2012-11-27T13:27:42Z")
> [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](#): > > I can’t get behind “special kind of cuddle.” The kid may understand the concept of two different words for the same thng, that that doesn’t mean an understanding of “special kinds of cuddles” as being (I hope) different in kind from the sort of cuddling with which the child is familiar. It’s what I was told when I was about three. I think I just sort of thought “yup, ok, adults, special cuddle, adults do different stuff, okidoke”. I remember my mum properly explaining when I was about 6, and that until that time the “special” part had never really crossed my mind. I just accepted it. Adults do all kinds of weird, different stuff. The nice thing about it is that when you explain the mechanics, it is already ingrained as a form of cuddling, and thus firmly connected to ideas of love and trust. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/91 "2012-11-27T14:45:12Z")
My little girl learned when she was five that when Sims roll around in the bed together under the covers, they can either make a baby or just woohoo. She’s fine with that at this point. Now that’s some simplified teaching there. It’s been harder though since she was raped earlier this year. She had just turned seven and didn’t understand enough to even realize what had happened. She just thought the boys hurt her “down there”. She knows the proper term but she prefers “down there”. We had one big problem though. She knew from seeing me at the toilet that women sometimes bleed and that tells that they can have babies. Well she bled when they raped her so she was secretly terrified for weeks that she was pregnant. I deeply appreciate the Memphis Child Advocacy Center for the therapy that helped her open up about it so we could reassure her that she had a different kind of blood. Ya’ll think it’s hard explaining sex to a child? Imagine having to explain rape. It sucks. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/92 "2012-11-27T14:55:43Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Hope someone explained later that (a) the lance in the side came when he was already dead and (b) vinegar was not the extremely sour condiment you put on food but a milder-tasting wine-based liquid, usually watered, and what the guard himself was sipping when he got thirsty. I hope no one explained the abuse of a tortured corpse or set the kid up to ask why the guard didn’t rescue the tortured man instead of giving him a sippy. Seriously, if anyone is okay with teaching little kids this tale, I really cant understand how they would be squeamish about reproduction. I like the idea of keeping the explanation simple but honest, giving the least amount of information required to satisfy the individual child’s curiosity. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/93 "2012-11-27T15:08:09Z")
A big “meh” from me. I don’t think teaching kids about sexual intercourse is going to damage them. And I certainly don’t think that the conversation will trigger them to go hump a classmate, as **Leaffan** suggested. Kids’ll play Doctor, or they won’t… doesn’t matter what you say. I may baby down the words to make it easier for him to understand, but otherwise, it’s merely a biological process, the same as pooping. Why would you hide one from a 3-year-old and not the other? ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/94 "2012-11-27T15:48:21Z")
It’s like the old joke: Son - Where did I come from? Mom - \ Son - Okay, Bobby comes from Portland. Some concepts are too difficult for some people (adults included). Answer questions at the appropriate detail for their level of understanding. When they talk about it in the wrong place, you’ve just had a new lesson teed up for you. I suspect that telling too much or too little both raise the risk of inappropriate comments. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/95 "2012-11-27T16:19:41Z")
> [@ladyfoxfyre](#): > > This is retarded. Children can’t have sex with eachother, and exploration is a natural part of growing up. A “legitimate concern”? Has there ever been an example of a couple of 3 year olds learning where babies came from in the big picture sense and then suddenly attempting to do something they are physically too immature to succeed at? Seriously. Well, maybe not, but. When I was around 4, I started watching Road Runner cartoons. I immediately went out and started dropping anvils on people’s heads, flicking my tongue and hollering “BEEP BEEP!” before running off. Toddler sex is surely a serious concern. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/96 "2012-11-27T16:24:24Z")
Just curious but do you guys think this is an appropriate video to illustrate the talk? [http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/free-videos/the-true-story-of-how-babies-are-made/](http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/free-videos/the-true-story-of-how-babies-are-made/) ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/97 "2012-11-27T17:26:07Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > A big “meh” from me. I don’t think teaching kids about sexual intercourse is going to damage them. And I certainly don’t think that the conversation will trigger them to go hump a classmate, as **Leaffan** suggested. Kids’ll play Doctor, or they won’t… doesn’t matter what you say. I may baby down the words to make it easier for him to understand, but otherwise, it’s merely a biological process, the same as pooping. Why would you hide one from a 3-year-old and not the other? The question I have is: Do 3 year olds really ask about this stuff? As I said, mine is almost 3 and he has shown no interest at all yet. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/98 "2012-11-27T18:00:25Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > My little girl learned when she was five that when Sims roll around in the bed together under the covers, they can either make a baby or just woohoo. She’s fine with that at this point. Now that’s some simplified teaching there. > > It’s been harder though since she was raped earlier this year. She had just turned seven and didn’t understand enough to even realize what had happened. She just thought the boys hurt her “down there”. She knows the proper term but she prefers “down there”. We had one big problem though. She knew from seeing me at the toilet that women sometimes bleed and that tells that they can have babies. Well she bled when they raped her so she was secretly terrified for weeks that she was pregnant. > > I deeply appreciate the Memphis Child Advocacy Center for the therapy that helped her open up about it so we could reassure her that she had a different kind of blood. Ya’ll think it’s hard explaining sex to a child? Imagine having to explain rape. It sucks. OMG, how horrible. How are you coping? I live in Memphis, if you ever need anyone to talk with, please do not hesitate to IM me on here. I can’t even imagine what you and your little girl are going through. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/99 "2012-11-27T19:37:00Z")
> [@Sicks\_Ate](#): > > My actual question is getting lost, I think. It is this: > > WHY, for those of you who think it is, is 3 too young for accurate language and brief descriptions Well, I can only speak for myself: Because it might confuse the hell out of her. My Mom went straight for the truth - I think we even looked at pictures of fetus growth stages in my Encylopedia. Made absolutely no fucking sense. I was too young to even grasp the concept of dimensional representation. To me, the early-stage simplified fetus drawing looked like a dinner plate. I was trying to figure out why the hell babies looked like dinner plates before they were born. The concepts of sex and procreation were both explained to me, but I was never able to put the two together. When I was five or six, I said ''Mom? Is sex illegal?" ‘‘Um, no… how do you think I got you?" ‘’…Oh.’’ That’s when it actually dawned on me that people get pregnant through sex. They were like two totally separate processes in my mind. There was this whole procreation dinner plate thing that made no sense to me except on the most abstract level possible, and there was penis-in-vagina sex which made slightly more sense to me but not really. (The reason I thought sex was illegal is because people were so evasive and private about it. I figured they were trying not to get caught.) So I guess you could tell her, but I doubt it will make much difference in her ability to comprehend conception and sex. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180/100 "2012-11-27T19:54:36Z")
**Rushgeekgirl** , I am so, so sorry your little girl had to endure that. I’m glad she has you to take care of her. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/birds-and-bees-for-a-3-year-old-why-not-just-be-straight-about-it/642180.md?page=6)