Oh, crap.
I’m in trouble. Do you think Unca’ Rue will punish me by not telling me any great stories anymore?
That would stink like three-week-old dead fish.
I had Teemings Extras bookmarked too.
I’m not worthy. Back to lurking for me.
Aw, Exgineer, don’t go scurrying back to the woodwork. I’ll use my #1 Special Friend influence to prevent any punishments - Rue has nothing but respect for me. Well, maybe a few tins, but apart from that, nothing but respect. So don’t sweat it. 
Have I ever mentioned that FairyChatMom was influential in my decision to become a regular poster?
I must have, somewhere.
Whoops.
Forgot the “kiss kiss, love love” stuff.
I’m not a naturally kissy and lovey guy.
I’m kind of an old grump.
2 things Kn(a bad influence to small children)ckers.
#1 Now I’m thinking of a cow with a bandana tied around her head, wearing camoflage BDU pants, hanging in a tree eating bananas. (Even though gorillas don’t really hang out in trees, that just minkeys.)
Now I’m not.
Now I am again.
#2 Cinnamon Altoids are way yummy. If you like that sort of thing. They are really just the regular mint ones with cinnamon flavouring (probably artificial, and you hove to spell it that way since they’re made in England. Or Great Britain. I’m not sure which right now and don’t feel like going to check. My Altoids are in the other romm right now.) on top. Plus red food colouring for the proper cinnamon hue.
But if you try them and don’t like them, don’t worry. That just leaves more for me.
You know Shibb (well, you probably don’t, but I’m going to tell you, so if you wait and read along, you will know) I have a vice in the basement. Not like your vice you indulge in the bathroom, but a squishing one. On the side of it, it has this little anvil. So I could pound out little tiny Altoid mouse armor if I got a little hammer. And a mouse.
Hmmmm… if PETA calls, I’m not home. (I wonder if I could make a catapult out of popcicle sticks…)
My Grandpa used to have a whole slew of old Esquires mouldering away in his basement. I saved a bunch of them one time. They have cartoons of pretty girls by George Petty. Petty Girls they were called. I color-copied a few of them and framed them all nice and had them hanging up. I’m not sure where they got to actually. That’s my Esquire story.
And a chicken would take over in a coop d’etat, Curious. Barnyards are just a hot-bed of revolution.
I know how you feel Ex. I’m expected to do some annoying thing called “watch the kids”. It never stops, does it?
I’ll give you a pass on me being cross though. This time. So watch it.
I’ll even try to think up a story. A new story with monkeys in it. (Although I really like the Piotr story, myself Puddin’.)
It’s odd you can’t get the cinnamon Altoids Puddin’. There are made over there. I guess they’re just for the export trade. Maybe you should write a letter to the Queen and see what she can do about things. (If you do, say “Hi” for me, will ya?)
My wife doesn’t believe a lot of things I tell her Steelerphan. It all goes back to when I told her Helen and Linda Hunt were sisters.
I told my Grandma that Colorado Springs got its name from a giant mattress factory. But it burned down so we couldn’t take the tour.
Believe it or not, they still let Grandma drive and vote. She could pack heat if she wanted to, too. Is this a great country or what?
You were over in the corner thinking up Trek stories, N.C. Boy. Get back to work mister. (I should do a quote to “Now, where was I?” so people know to what I refer. But I won’t, so people will be confused. More confused. Maybe.)
Yeah, we don’t want a sweaty Ex, do we Snickers? That “three-week-old fish” thing could be more than just a metaphor.
I’ll be thinking of a story tonight. Maybe I’ll get it out by tomorrow. You never can tell. It might even have a monkey and a cup of tea in it.
-Rue.
It’s really a shame that you were not consulted for the making of Titanic. That picture was missing a certain… well, lots of stuff. Should you be interested in making a full-length motion picture, I will spring for the sponge toffee.
Once upon a time there was an organ grinder. That’s not to say he made sausages, but rather he played a barrel organ while his monkey capered and danced for the money thrown into his, the monkey’s, tin cup. And it was a barrel organ, not a hurdy gurdy. A lot of people think they are the same thing, but they aren’t. Also, he had a small monkey, not a “minkey” which everyone knows is a type of small monkey but one too small for general capering whilst cadging coins in a tin cup.
Every day the organ grinder could be found in the village square. Every day he, who the villagers called “Armand Thelonius Confubrilator” in an odd sort of coincidence since he never told anyone his name and yet that’s exactly what it was, would stand in the village square with his broad smile and dark glasses and turn the crank on his barrel organ while his monkey, named “Monkey” in a stroke of non-originality, danced and capered for coins. When the monkey’s cup, or Monkey’s cup if you will, was full the man and his monkey would do a little shopping and then go home to their humble hovel. Like you could have a grand hovel, but there you are. The odd thing about Armand, one of the odd things anyway, was that he only bought fruits and vegetables in the village. And on occasion some fish bait, worms and grubs and things. Only no one ever saw him actually fishing. Although maybe he fished at night since he was in the village square everyday.
One day Armand did not show up at the village square. People thought he was just taking a day off to rest up or something. Then he wasn’t there the next day and people thought maybe he was sick. When he wasn’t there the third day in a row, some of the people from the villager (the blacksmith, the potter and the weaver if you want to know) went out to his hovel and knocked on his door. There was no answer. So the knocked again. Again, no answer. Then they knocked one more time. This time they knocked hard enough to bash the door down. It was a hovel, remember, so it wouldn’t take a lot to bash the door in. That’s one of the distinguishing characteristics of a hovel.
What they found in the hovel shocked them. In the corner, with his barrel organ, was Armand Thelonius Confubrilator, standing as still as a statue. They crept closer and poked at him and he was a statue! He was made of wood as it turned out. All this time they thought he never got tanned standing in the village square all day every day because he only ate fruits and vegetables and was a little sickly from not eating good red meat. But this explained it! He never tanned because he was a statue. A statue still connected to the leash his monkey wore in the village. When the weaver gave the leash a tug to see just what it was made of Armand took a step forward. This frightened the villagers greatly. But since it wasn’t some sort of wooden monster bend on destroying the town, they gave the leash another tug. Sure enough, whichever way you tugged Monkey’s leash, Armand would walk in that direction. It didn’t take a very strong tug either. It took about as much effort as a healthy organ grinder’s monkey could make actually.
Then they looked in the rest of the hovel and all was revealed. (It didn’t take too long. Remember? Hovel = not real big or well-made.) There slumped over the table was Monkey. By his outstretched paw was a tea cup. Next to that was a box of fishing bait. Wax worms. Monkey’s other paw was grasping his throat and his tongue was sticking out and his eyes were all bugged out too. He choked to death.
It just goes to show you, you should chew every bite twelve times to be safe. Don’t wolf down your food. Or in this case monkey down your grubs.
Now sleep well.
-Uncle Rue, story guy.
I think that I shall now be ill.
Thinking of all those times you swallowed after only 11 bites Shibb?
:(Dead monkeys make me sad.
Especially when I was eating grubs or mealworms. Usually just pop their head off and swallow 'em mostly whole. Never tried waxworms though. Is that just a euphemism for maggots or are they chock full of waxy goodness?
Chew 12 times? I thought the rule was 25 times. I never could remember, which is why I just drink my meals. Nothing like a rare steak and twice-baked potato tossed into the blender with some steamed veggies. That’s good drinking!
Don’t worry, be happy Lendervedder. (Ha ha ha ha!) The monkey Monkey has been dead for 428 years. I got that story out of the archives of the village of Shromm-Grazberg. So if you weren’t sad about him yesterday, there’s no need to be sad today. (And how many people were sad when Piotr died? The poor insane monkey.)
I think waxworms are like waxbeans Shibb. Waxy on the outside and full of beany goodness on the inside. Only full of wormy goodness instead. I’m not real sure. But they are supposed to be tastey on top of granola.
Chew each mouthfil 25 times Snickers? Puh-leeze! Some of us have things to do. We don’t have time to masticate all day. Which reminds me… I have to check my other website…
Unca Rue, the Altoids tin says they are “Made in Great Britain”. I have a tin of the cinnamon kind in my desk. If I were posting from home I couldn’t confirm this, but instead I’m slacking and posting from work - but I answered a question so that’s a good thing, right?
Thanks for the monkey story, Unca’ Rue. It was a good one.
I was a little worried for a bit, but you managed to work in the teacup towards the end there. That was a close one.
Good show.
[sub]I’m eating my lunch and chewing each bite 25 times. This could take me the rest of the day.[/sub]
I want another story, Unca’ Rue. Can it have elephants in it this time?
My girlfriend likes elephants, and I could read your story to her when I tuck her in to sleep. She always goes to sleep before I do.
Also, I missed this bit from yesterday:
Are you sure about that?
I flogged the hamsters looking for your “SDMB Family” thread, but they didn’t want to cooperate. Evidently, I am, in fact, your kid.
I don’t like to bring this up in front of great-grandad though. He’s a scary old fart, and he doesn’t like blimps.
You did a good job there Ferret. Hold your head high and be proud.
Whaddaya mean you’re my kid Ex? I never see you around here on Pancake Sunday. Which is just as well since we have just enough pancakes for me, the Little Woman, both boys plus one each for the dogs. (If they don’t get their cut, they get surly.)
Oh wait, the SDMB Family. Are you my kid? I have so many I lose track. It would be easier if I were George Foreman. Not so many names to rememeber. (Try searching under “werewolf” or “werewolves”. I’m not sure why, but I seem to remember this angle coming up in the post.)
Elephants. Check.
Although obviously you won’t get it tonight, it might show up tomorrow sometime.
Elephants… hmmm…
Well, he’s been callin you “Unca” so that would suggest he’s a “nephew” of some “sort.”
“Happy”
Apparently, that thread started out as “SDMB Werewolves,” and morphed into a “family-connection” sort of thing.
Yep, I’m your kid. My first “official” post was in your “Jerry the Wallaby” thread after the board outage last year. I’d posted a couple of times before that, but discerning Dopers will be happy to know that those posts were lost.
It seems that Fenris is my Grandpa. Do you think that he’d tell me some fireside stories too? That would be most excellent.
I still think that Great-Grandad is scary.
Altoids Altoids lovely lovely Altoids
You got yer “curiously strong peppermint” kind that they’ve been making since . . . well a long time. Then there came cinnamon and wintergreen. The cinnamon ones are great for . . . well it’s embarrassing and if you don’t know I’m not telling.
But has anyone tried the Altoid sours? I’m addicted. They come in tangerine flavor (the best) and citris flavor. And the tins are so much more collectable. They are round and have a very old timey air about them. I love the tins. But of course have more of them than ideas of what to do with them. Maybe a mousey jacuzzi?
Well I’ll bring my Altoid rambling to an end but I would like to say Unca Rue (May I call you Unca Rue?) that I have enjoyed the stories and will look for more in the future. Could you . . .? Maybe? I don’t know, maybe tell one for me? About a very loud mouthed tree?