# Black Candles and Chicken Blood **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146 "2000-12-05T15:49:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tatertot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@tatertot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tatertot)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2000, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/41 "2000-12-06T06:58:28Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. Persephone is a Goddess. And my Goddess gave birth to your God. Nyah. Again, your ignorance of the only book that matters astounds me. In the beginning was the **WORD** and the **WORD** was **GOD**. Did you see MamaGoddess in there? NO! Didn’t think so. > [@](#): > > 1. God is a virgin? Riiiiiiiiiight. If God didn’t know how good an orgasm felt, we wouldn’t be calling his name during one, now would we? Clearly, you are the **Whore of Babylon** herself! It is sacriledge to scream out the name of **GOD** during sexual climax. In fact it is sacriledge to have orgasms…I’ve given them up since becoming a fundie, it’s been 14 hours since my last one and I feel great and filled with the **HOLY SPIRIT**. From now on my sex will be cold, sterile and for **PROCREATION PURPOSES ONLY**. In fact, I think I will stop reproducing myself and instead adopt gay atheist children in order to convert them to the **HAPPY HETEROSEXUAL PATH OF JESUS**. [quote] 3) No, us Godless Heathens don’t go to Sunday School. We’re too busy praying to our collective Porcelain Gods after cramming at Saturday Night School. [quote] Porcelain God? So you not only worship a goddess, but you have made an idol out of porcelain? What next Persephone? Are you going to melt down your jewelry and make a golden calf? My soul weeps for you Persephone…can you hear it? May my tears fall down upon your Heathen tongue and provide you with a tasty drink in the black firey depths of **HELL**. [quote[Now, can I borrow a few of those Chick Tracts? I’m out of TP. Thanks. You’re a peach.[/quote] Of course, my Heathen friend. Even your asshole can absorb the **HOLY WORD OF GOD** …it’s just that powerful! > [@](#): > > God hates Fundies… amen. Goodness…it’s sad when the Fundies have better lines than the Heathens, isn’t it? I’m just saying is all. Next time try: Hey! Hey! FundieMay How many clinics did you bomb today? > [@](#): > > Otherwise, keep away from me, I have holy water and I know how to use it. Eek! Catholics! ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2000, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/42 "2000-12-06T07:07:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tatertot \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > Otherwise, keep away from me, I have holy water and I know how to use it. > > Eek! Catholics! > > \*\* LOL, Hey, you dont have to be catholic to use holy water. In fact I think that if your catholic and touch holy water you burst into flames. Kidding…(fundies maybe, but not catholics) Where is Coldie? We need him to de-flower the goat. ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2000, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/43 "2000-12-06T12:01:01Z")
How nice. Virgins. :: rubs hands gleefully :: > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by fnord1966 \* > **I wont be part of the sacrificing, unless its my virginity that is going to be sacrificed.** Fine with me. Esprix will be with you in just a moment. **Broken Doll** - really all we need is for you to read the Dark Chant and feed the goat. It’s what you have to feed the goat that’s gross. Do you have a strong stomach? Can you read latin? ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2000, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/44 "2000-12-06T15:57:59Z")
Oh, and here I thought this was a thread about Unitarian Universalism (excepting you forgot the part about the blood oath, and, of course, tithing). And why do _I_ always have to deflower the virgins? Can’t you get **goboy** or **Hastur** for a change? I’m pooped - **matt\_mcl** ’s been keeping me busy. 😉 Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2000, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/45 "2000-12-06T16:23:00Z")
Hmmm… **Hastur** _would_ be more appropriate. Hey Hastur, we got a live one for ya. ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/46 "2000-12-07T00:49:19Z")
Im sorry Trion, I dont think I can be a part of this, no offense Esprix, but your not my type, of course if that is part of the plan, Ill have to bust out my Chainsaw and go Ash on all you Evil Deadites. Evil Dead: Hail to the King on playstation, I cant wait. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/47 "2000-12-07T14:35:07Z")
Hey, you said you’d give up your virginity, but you never specified which one. Same-sex intercourse counts - sorry. No reneging now, or we’ll send over our hit squad of drag queens (and the even the evil dead know better than to mess with _them_). Now assume the position while I go find **Hastur**. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/48 "2000-12-07T14:49:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tatertot \* > God told me it was okay…it doesn’t matter who the messanger is as long as **HIS WORD IS SPREAD!** Spread adn speeled corectly! Oh, and I don’t do goats anymore. They’re SO _provincial_, you know? The sacrifise _du jour_ these days is an adolescent swine. You guys are clearly no hip city Satanists. ---
**Author:** ![tatertot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@tatertot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tatertot)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/49 "2000-12-07T14:53:26Z")
I have no time for spell-check, not with all these **HEATHENS, SATANISTS, PAGANS and CATHOLICS** running around, needing to be saved. Not to mention the **DUTCH**. ---
**Author:** ![MissBHaven](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missbhaven/32/7170_2.png) [@MissBHaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissBHaven)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/50 "2000-12-07T15:49:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Trion \* > \*\* With any luck we can get Satan back onto the board. You guys start chanting. I gotta go find us a virgin. \*\* We’ve got the chant and the virgin… where’s Satan? Maybe we should break out the angels and the holy water and see if he comes to save us. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/51 "2000-12-07T16:11:42Z")
want to be corrupted, eh andygirl? Here’s a Barry Manilow CD. The chant is as Follows… Her Name was Lola _( Rectus )_ She was a showgirl \*( Dominus ) \* Or maybe a little backwards masking should do the trick. here’s a Hank Williams CD. Play this in reverse and I guantee that you will get your wife, your house, your job, and your dog back. or if thats not your cup of tea… (looking in bag… ) maybe you want to be converted to the way of the Evil Hetrosexual!!! They Breed!!! Lines form to the left. ---
**Author:** ![tatertot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@tatertot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tatertot)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/52 "2000-12-07T16:13:39Z")
Oooh, wait, AndyGirl is a gay teenager! Anybody know if she’s athiest? I could adopt her! Happy Day! ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/53 "2000-12-07T16:51:27Z")
andygirl is Methodist, IIRC. What we need is something in Latin. And mitres. OOOOOOOOO Fortuuuuuuuuuna Veeeeeeeeeeelut luuuuuuna Staaaaaatu va-ri-a-bi-lis [sub]semper crescis et decrescis semper deteeeestaaaabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciiiiiiiiiem egestatem potestatem dissolvit ut glaaaacieeem sors immanis et inanis rota tu voluuuuuubiliiiis status malus vana salus semper dissolubiliiiiiiis obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteriiiiiis nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleeeeriiiiiis.[/sub] \*\*\*SORS SALUTIS ET VIRTUTIS MICHI NUNC CONTRARIA!!! EST AFFECTUS ET DEFECTUS SEMPER IN ANGARIA!!! HAC IN HORA SINE MORA CORDE PULSUM TAANGITEEEE! QUOD PER SORTEM STERNIT FORTEM MECUM O-O-O-O-O-O-MNES PLA-A-NGITEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2000, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/54 "2000-12-07T16:59:52Z")
**tatertot** - fi you plan on hanging around while we perform our Black Mass then I’ll need to ask you to step into the wicker effigy. Don’t worry, it’s completely harmless. [sub]For now.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Broken\_Doll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbce88/32.png) [@Broken\_Doll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broken_Doll)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2000, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/55 "2000-12-08T03:49:33Z")
Okay, so what do I feed the goat? And no, I can’t speak Latin. _sighs_…I’ve already let the Dark Lord down… Oh, but I do have a strong stomach…that’s a good thing. ---
**Author:** ![Tristan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tristan/32/18058_2.png) [@Tristan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tristan)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2000, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/56 "2000-12-08T14:10:25Z")
matt\_mcl, you are officially my favorite Canadian leftie that might be gay. I think that those are the lyrics for “O Fortuna”, or, as we liked to call it… “The Kick Ass Latin song from Excaliber”. My friends are lazy, but they can drink like fish and all have bisexual wives… hehehehe Back to the OP, I’ve got candles, several knives, a box of condoms, and a tube of lanolin (in case we loose the goat). What else do we need? ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2000, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/57 "2000-12-08T14:16:22Z")
A full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, and sunglasses. ---
**Author:** ![tatertot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c37758/32.png) [@tatertot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tatertot)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2000, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/58 "2000-12-08T14:35:15Z")
**To be washed in the blood! In the soul-cleansing blood of the lamb!** ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2000, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146/59 "2000-12-08T14:45:04Z")
Damn. Now it looks like we have _two_ people on a mission from God. No blood rites for you! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/black-candles-and-chicken-blood/44146.md?page=2)