# Blaming the other woman **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 21, 2014, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251 "2014-11-21T15:42:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2014, 10:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/61 "2014-11-26T10:35:23Z")
Put me in the camp that doesn’t blame the third party. They made no promises of exclusivity and I don’t buy the argument that they have a duty to honor someone else’s promises. That said, it’s definitely not a good way to make friends. There are also health concerns to think of, some of which may involve fists moving at high speeds toward your face. Proceed with extreme caution. The part I find interesting is how much more scorn I have observed for “the other woman” than there is for “the other man.” I wonder if part of it comes down to the cheated-on wife being a victim, while the cheated-on man is more a putz who can’t keep his woman satisfied. Or perhaps it’s as Thudlow pointed out earlier, and women’s traditional role as sexual gatekeepers leads to them being held to a higher standard. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2014, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/62 "2014-11-26T13:16:25Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > **clairobscur** , it seems like you have a very different conception of what marriage means than most people do. That is fine if you decide not to marry, or to make your definition of marriage clear and be sure your spouse-to-be is on the same wavelength as you. > > But you need to understand that for most people, marriage IS about making promises and trying to keep them, even if doing so is difficult, particularly when there are innocent children involved who will benefit from being raised in a secure environment I’ve known a number of people in open marriages - some have been married thirty years now successfully. Some involve kids. The healthy ones have absolutely no issue at all meeting their spouses prospective partner to say “yeah, the marriage is open, go for it.” In a few cases, its part of the ground rules. (Open marriages are NOT for me, but they aren’t that uncommon in the circles I’ve been known to travel in. However, they are not the norm in our society, and I’d never assume that someone’s marriage is open. And I’d want confirmation of some sort from both partners - one of my friends posts about his open marriage on Facebook - although I’ve never talked to his wife about it, I suspect she knows.) If my spouse were to go on a business trip, take off his wedding ring, and have a fling with someone he met at a conference, I wouldn’t blame her. However, if he has a fling - or an affair - with someone at work where there is a picture of the family on his desk, or with a friend of ours - who has been to our home and has met me - yes, then I’m absolutely putting some of the blame on her. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2014, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/63 "2014-11-27T08:12:44Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > For the zillionth time in a tv show/movie came the scene of the irate wife confronting the ‘other woman.’ Attacking her for ruining her marriage and demanding to know why she didn’t think of the children she and he had. This time the other woman is apparently pregnant as wife goes on about how she is not going to take money away from her (wife’s) children to support this bastard child. > > Now, I get that the wife is mad, and since she apparently wants the marriage to go on she wants to shift all the blame to the other woman. What I don’t understand is that the Other Women in virtually all the these scenes just stand there and take it. Instead of pointing out what seems so obvious to me: Okay, there was one person in this affair who was breaking faith with the wife, who owed consideration to the welfare of his children … and that person WASN’T the Other Woman. > > Actually, does someone contemplating sleeping with another person OWE anything to existing mates/children? On a practical level, if you, potential Other Woman/Other Man, are looking to get married or hoping for a long term relationship, a married man/woman is not a sensible choice. But what if you are out for a purely physical fling? Just looking for some fun, without thought of creating an ongoing thing? Do you have a duty to quiz the potential lover about other relationships/commitments he may have made? I think much of the concept goes with the supply and demand theory. A. Any woman can get a stiff one anytime she wants (within all reasonable standards). If you don’t agree with/understand this, read no more. B. Woman 1 with Husband 1. Woman 2 doesn’t need Husband 1, because she can find Single Man 2-Infinity, anywhere. C. Therefore, Woman 2 doesn’t need Man 1; ergo, she’s doing something outside of the proper order. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2014, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/64 "2014-11-28T06:42:33Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > I think much of the concept goes with the supply and demand theory. > > A. Any woman can get a stiff one anytime she wants (within all reasonable standards). If you don’t agree with/understand this, read no more. OK. Don’t agree. Any woman can get a stiff one anytime she wants _if_ : 1. She has the mindset required for that. For instance it doesn’t apply if she’s shy and won’t go out alone. 2. Has low standards 3. Isn’t clearly ugly And in fact any man that fill these three conditions can also get laid any time he wants. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2014, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/65 "2014-11-28T06:46:29Z")
And a person who will knowingly have sex with a married person without the consent of the married person’s spouse clearly fulfills your condition 2. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/66 "2014-11-30T05:05:41Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > OK. Don’t agree. Any woman can get a stiff one anytime she wants _if_ : > > 1. She has the mindset required for that. For instance it doesn’t apply if she’s shy and won’t go out alone. > > 2. Has low standards > > 3. Isn’t clearly ugly > And in fact any man that fill these three conditions can also get laid any time he wants. 1-3: See my above “(within all reasonable standards)”. 1. I said “Can” not ‘goes out and gets one every night’. 2. I said a stiff one, I didn’t say Brad Pitt. 3. Reasonable standards for women is extremely, EXTREMELY lax, as opposed to men. Clearly ugly women get laid 10X more than clearly ugly men. They can get one from higher in the rating scale than clearly ugly men can. A 2 woman can get a 4+ man, while a 2 man can get a 0-2, if he’s extremely lucky. You’re going all over the fucking place. You’re trying to interject something other than the fact that women have a much easier time getting laid than men, and how it relates to this thread. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/67 "2014-11-30T05:51:28Z")
Ah, ze Americans … zey are so, how you say, _uninteresting_ when it comes to matters of love. Where’s my baguette? ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/68 "2014-11-30T14:17:37Z")
So many to choose from, but my favourite thing from the ‘other woman’ (who was only about 17 or 18 to my ex’s 47): when she would call me up to mock me and tell me how she was going to take care of him, how I had treated him so badly, and how she was his true love and helpmeet. It was as if she were reading off a really bad film script. She was just a dumb kid taking him for his [our] savings; the people I found mind-boggling were her parents, who apparently welcomed him into their home (she still lived at home) and supported her daughter’s decision to date a not-yet-separated (or been yet been served divorce papers) man who was 25+ years older than she was (yep, they knew – I think at first they thought he _was_ divorced and had been treated badly by wicked ol’me, but even after they found out that, nope, he was catting around with their kid, they were still like ‘meh.’) ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/69 "2014-11-30T16:07:28Z")
> [@Ms\_Boods](#): > > So many to choose from, but my favourite thing from the ‘other woman’ (who was only about 17 or 18 to my ex’s 47): when she would call me up to mock me and tell me how she was going to take care of him, how I had treated him so badly, and how she was his true love and helpmeet. > > It was as if she were reading off a really bad film script. > > She was just a dumb kid taking him for his [our] savings; the people I found mind-boggling were her parents, who apparently welcomed him into their home (she still lived at home) and supported her daughter’s decision to date a not-yet-separated (or been yet been served divorce papers) man who was 25+ years older than she was (yep, they knew – I think at first they thought he _was_ divorced and had been treated badly by wicked ol’me, but even after they found out that, nope, he was catting around with their kid, they were still like ‘meh.’) Is there a really bad picture of him in the attic? ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/70 "2014-11-30T17:12:24Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > And a person who will knowingly have sex with a married person without the consent of the married person’s spouse clearly fulfills your condition 2. And as I wrote several times above, does this include the example of the poster whose spouse didn’t have sex with him for years, didn’t even want to kiss him, but stayed married “for the children”? On what reasonable ground can this person demand that her husband won’t have sex with someone else? In fact, to what extent is it any of her business? ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/71 "2014-11-30T18:17:55Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > And as I wrote several times above, does this include the example of the poster whose spouse didn’t have sex with him for years, didn’t even want to kiss him, but stayed married “for the children”? > > On what reasonable ground can this person demand that her husband won’t have sex with someone else? In fact, to what extent is it any of her business? In that case, all parties need to address it like adults. If one party cannot or will not participate in the sexual aspect of a relationship, then the other party is well within his/her rights to pursue some sort of resolution, such as a demand for marriage counseling to hash out any issues in front of a neutral third party, or permission to open the marriage, or something else that is acceptable to both parties. Seeking sex outside the marriage without the knowledge of both sides is never acceptable for any reason, period. I know there are situations where one side is digging in on the issue of divorce because of religious, social, cultural, or economic reasons. That doesn’t give anyone permission to sneak. It just doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/72 "2014-11-30T20:50:28Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Right there I have a problem. I can’t view relationship in term of “contracts”. I don’t think that whether the other person is married (as opposed to a commited relationship without marriage) should change a thing (of course if you’re a believer and involve god in it, we don’t have a common ground). Either it’s wrong or it isn’t, marriage or not. Then you don’t believe in marriage, that’s explicitly what a marriage is. You sign a contract with the State and make a verbal contract with each other with witnesses present. You’ve made a special contract that requires the State to be involved in order to end it. And you have other people who know you are supposed to be married, and thus can catch you if you cheat. But, ultimately, all monogamous relationships are contracts. You are saying “I will only have romantic and sexual relations with you.” And, being a decent person, you follow that. Are you saying you regularly tell women that they are your one and only, but then go out and have sex with someone else? Do I really have to point out that most people would think this was unethical? So we have the cheating without telling the original partner as being unethical. So why wouldn’t the person who is aiding you in the process not also be unethical? It doesn’t matter that you and the other woman would be happier. A promise or contract explicitly mean you are putting this above your own interests. Putting your own interests first while hurting someone else is pretty much the textbook definition of someone who is a jerk. There’s no “only if it’s someone I’m in a relationship with” clause. The other woman is being a jerk to the original woman. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/73 "2014-11-30T20:57:12Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > And as I wrote several times above, does this include the example of the poster whose spouse didn’t have sex with him for years, didn’t even want to kiss him, but stayed married “for the children”? > > On what reasonable ground can this person demand that her husband won’t have sex with someone else? In fact, to what extent is it any of her business? The promise and the contract–the things you conveniently want to pretend don’t exist. They are married, and they made a promise not to have relations with anyone else. Until this agreement is changed, they are beholden to it. The wife would like to know that the husband is reneging on the agreement so she knows she can do so, too. How bad would it suck if one person stayed faithful for the sake of the marriage and found out the other person didn’t? That’s the contract. You stick with me, I’ll stick with you. Not knowing when the contract is broken means the other person doesn’t know they don’t have to keep up their side. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2014, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/74 "2014-11-30T21:10:53Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > And as I wrote several times above, does this include the example of the poster whose spouse didn’t have sex with him for years, didn’t even want to kiss him, but stayed married “for the children”? > > On what reasonable ground can this person demand that her husband won’t have sex with someone else? In fact, to what extent is it any of her business? If I recall correctly, it was the poster who didn’t want a divorce - it wasn’t the wife who was somehow keeping him trapped in a sexless marriage. What reasonable ground does he have for deciding his wife should stay married to someone who is sleeping with someone else without allowing her any input into the decision? ---
**Author:** ![Ms\_Boods](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5e9695/32.png) [@Ms\_Boods](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ms_Boods)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2014, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/75 "2014-12-02T16:50:21Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > Is there a really bad picture of him in the attic? He he he… ---
**Author:** ![Wheelz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wheelz/32/5718_2.png) [@Wheelz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wheelz)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2014, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/76 "2014-12-04T00:31:10Z")
When I was single I fooled around for a while with a married woman who basically threw herself at me. Before we did anything I said “Are you sure?” and yeah, she was pretty sure. As far as I was concerned, my conscience was clear at that point. I had made no vows. I never met her husband, but had he ever confronted me I probably would have told him some version of the above. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2014, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251/77 "2014-12-05T16:42:13Z")
Affairs (I am making an assumption here) typically don’t happen in a vacuum. Blaming “the other (wo)man” makes about as much sense as solely blaming the person who strayed. Look, if your partner is looking for some action on the side, then something is missing in the relationship. You as the cheatee share some of the responsibility for things getting to where they are. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/blaming-the-other-woman/705251.md?page=3)