# Books That Don't Exist **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 10, 2014, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221 "2014-08-10T06:43:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/21 "2014-08-11T03:45:59Z")
My wife and I were both 50’s kids, and we’d love to find a copy of _The Junior Woodchuck Manual._ ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/22 "2014-08-11T04:43:19Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > My wife and I were both 50’s kids, and we’d love to find a copy of _The Junior Woodchuck Manual._ At Disneyland, some many years ago, they had a little pamphlet with that title, and a cute cover, which they gave to kids so they could collect autographs from “Disney Afternoon” characters in costume. I asked for one, and the polite cast member said they were only for kids. Since then, I’ve felt a very great affinity for Scrooge McDuck. ---
**Author:** ![Cunctator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/43a26b/32.png) [@Cunctator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cunctator)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/23 "2014-08-11T04:58:13Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > My wife and I were both 50’s kids, and we’d love to find a copy of _The Junior Woodchuck Manual._ It certainly had all the answers to life’s problems! ---
**Author:** ![Coriolanus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coriolanus/32/18769_2.png) [@Coriolanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coriolanus)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/24 "2014-08-11T05:57:47Z")
A few from The Simpsons: Love in the Time Of Scurvy Big Book of British Smiles The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/25 "2014-08-11T06:39:26Z")
_Nude Language and Adult Facial Expressions_ by Andre Norton. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/26 "2014-08-11T09:01:41Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > My wife and I were both 50’s kids, and we’d love to find a copy of _The Junior Woodchuck Manual._ I had a copy in the 70s. ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Charlie\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/27 "2014-08-11T10:00:58Z")
Italian War Heroes? The Five Most Courageous French Soldiers of WW2. Brilliant Polish Army Generals and the Strategies they Conceived. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Unwashed](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_great_unwashed/32/4791_2.png) [@The\_Great\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/28 "2014-08-11T10:19:59Z")
The Strange Apparent Acceptability Of Gratuitous Racism In The Guise Of Humour. ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/29 "2014-08-11T15:07:49Z")
> [@Charlie\_Wayne](#): > > Italian War Heroes? > > The Five Most Courageous French Soldiers of WW2. > > Brilliant Polish Army Generals and the Strategies they Conceived. Oh, you want SMALLEST books (fictitious)? 'How about: - War Movies I Have Not Appeared In \* by John Wayne - Morton Downey, Jr.'s Book of Ettiquette Mao tse-Tung on Peaceful Coexistence with the West Recent Movies You Can Take Your Kids To A Middle-class Guide to Financing a House\* ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/30 "2014-08-11T16:13:16Z")
My faves: **The Last Dangerous Visions** , edited by Harlan Ellison **Necrotelicomnicon** , by Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches **A Method For Madness** , by David Gerrold **Hansard’s Guide to Refreshing Sleep** , presumably by Hansard. ---
**Author:** ![C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b2d939/32.png) [@C\_K\_Dexter\_Haven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C_K_Dexter_Haven)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/31 "2014-08-11T16:20:25Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > My wife and I were both 50’s kids, and we’d love to find a copy of _The Junior Woodchuck Manual._ Nowadays, every one has one, it’s called Google. ---
**Author:** ![eburacum45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eburacum45/32/8690_2.png) [@eburacum45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eburacum45)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/32 "2014-08-11T16:22:17Z")
Neither the _Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ or the\* Encyclopedia Galactica\* exist in reality, although (a version of) _Venus on the Half Shell_ does. ---
**Author:** ![txjim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f07891/32.png) [@txjim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/txjim)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/33 "2014-08-11T16:46:56Z")
Greatest of them all, I, Libertine by Jean Shepherd [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,\_Libertine](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_Libertine) ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/34 "2014-08-11T16:50:01Z")
> [@eburacum45](#): > > Neither the _Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ or the\* Encyclopedia Galactica\* exist in reality, although (a version of) _Venus on the Half Shell_ does. Wow. The exact three tomes I came in here to mention. Oh well, lemme think of another… I worked at a Barnes & Noble bookstore for a while during the mid 90’s. I remember a horribly pretentious, self-important, ludicrous indie film called “the Myth of Fingerprints” came out around that time. Part of the ‘plot’ of it revolved around Julianne Moore reading a book called “the Scream of the Rabbits” and being hysterically upset because the copy of the book she was reading didn’t have the last chapter in it, so she couldn’t find out how it ended. For several weeks after the film came out, about a dozen people a day came into the B&N store asking for the book “the Scream of the Rabbits.” Boy did it get to be exhausting explaining that the book did. not. exist. ---
**Author:** ![DrCube](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a3d4f5/32.png) [@DrCube](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrCube)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/35 "2014-08-11T16:51:30Z")
_Cryptonomicon_, by assorted authors, as detailed in _Cryptonomicon_, by Neal Stephenson. (I just read this – Great book.) _In Warm Love, or How I Rehabilitated Two Hardened Criminals Who Invaded My Family’s Home_, by Herb Clutter, as made up by me. ---
**Author:** ![Sherrerd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sherrerd/32/8_2.png) [@Sherrerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sherrerd)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/36 "2014-08-11T18:35:05Z")
> [@The\_Great\_Unwashed](#): > > The Strange Apparent Acceptability Of Gratuitous Racism In The Guise Of Humour. By Daniel Tosh. ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/37 "2014-08-11T19:05:58Z")
_The Big Book of Intercourse_, from the Pennsylvania Department of Tourism and Recreation. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/38 "2014-08-11T20:02:01Z")
I wish _Buttercup’s Baby_ (sequel to _The Princess Bride_ book) existed (there was even an excerpt in the back of the first one of it), but apparently that preview was only part of the whole joke, much like the “Good Parts” version was the only copy that ever existed. In fact, that’s another one to add to the list. The full version of _The Princess Bride_, not just the “Good Parts” version. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/39 "2014-08-11T21:02:31Z")
_The Hardly Boys and the Mystery of the Spiral Bridge._ ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2014, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221/40 "2014-08-11T21:48:48Z")
Oolon Colluphid’s trilogy of philosophical blockbusters: _Where God Went Wrong_, _Some More of God’s Greatest Mistakes_ and _Who is this God Person Anyway?_. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-dont-exist/695221.md?page=1)