# Books that will never be written! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 4, 2000, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632 "2000-11-04T01:09:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/21 "2000-11-04T06:19:08Z")
_Dude, I just made all that shit up_ by Cecil Adams. ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/22 "2000-11-04T07:52:42Z")
“Truth, Honor, and Respectability” by Rev. Al Sharpton “The Kama Sutra” as translated by Dr Seuss “The Internet: A Historical Overview” by Al Gore “Mastering Dramatic Acting” by William Shatner ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Sang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ee7513/32.png) [@Le\_Sang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Sang)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/23 "2000-11-04T07:59:10Z")
\1001 Great Gourmet Meals\ by Mahatma Ghandi ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/24 "2000-11-04T11:51:01Z")
“e.e. cummings’ guide to capital letters” (foreward by archy) “Martha Stewart’s Guide to Canned Supermarket Food, Volume 1” ---
**Author:** ![Ambumax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/2acd7d/32.png) [@Ambumax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambumax)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/25 "2000-11-04T15:15:07Z")
The art of eating Pork by Al Lieberman It’s all about me by Mother Theresa Why god is dead By Pope John Paul XIII ---
**Author:** ![Crusoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/49beb7/32.png) [@Crusoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crusoe)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/26 "2000-11-04T15:23:38Z")
_Peace In Our Time_ by Ian Paisley _Straight To The Point: Lessons In The Art Of Succinct And Interesting Writing_ by D H Lawrence _Canberra – A Crazy Place To Live_ by pretty much anyone who’s been there ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/27 "2000-11-04T15:30:31Z")
Works of NON-fiction: What Really Happened by O.J. Simpson What Really Happened by John & Patsy Ramsey What Really Happenend by Tawana Brawley ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/28 "2000-11-04T15:32:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Annie-Xmas \* > \*\*Works of NON-fiction: > > What Really Happened by O.J. Simpson > What Really Happened by John & Patsy Ramsey > What Really Happenend by Tawana Brawley \*\* Also: How to type correctly while giving directions over the phone to a person who doesn’t really speak English by Annie-Xmas ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/29 "2000-11-04T15:37:27Z")
“Why I Gave Up Hunting” by Ted Nugent “Jim Walters Guide to Purchasing a Double-Wide Trailer” “My Autobiography” by J.D. Salinger “Ya Know, Maybe the Liberals DO Have the Right Idea About the Economy” by Rush Limbaugh ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/30 "2000-11-04T15:50:04Z")
_Queen Coal!_ (subtitled) _An expose of how the big energy companies lie, steal, suppress, silence, influence, pressure, extort, and openly rape and sodomize the entire planet and all of humanity to make a profit by denying the people solar power (which comes straight from God!) and free-energy devices that could lead us all into a golden age of happiness where we live forever in eternal youth and beauty as gods and goddesses._ by **Anthracite** also… _Cereal-Box Lyrics (or why it’s OK to hate the Beatles)_ by **pepperlandgirl.** (this is destined to receive the same attention as her best-selling book _The Kansas City Chiefs - Heroes of the New Millenium_) _Listen with Your Heart to Jesus_ by **David B** _Satan on our Campuses - the Gay Manifesto for Amerika_ by **Esprix** and the Reverend Fred Phelps. _Cajun Chef Wood Thrush’s Guide to Tracking, Identifying, Preparing, and Cooking Native Birds of North America_ by, ironically, **Wood Thrush** _Neil Pert - A Descent Into Madness_ by **Coldfire** And finally: _My Cat’s Breath Smells Like Cat Food_ by **concrete**. ---
**Author:** ![Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chance_the_Gardener)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/31 "2000-11-04T17:38:37Z")
_Losing Graciously_—Tonya Harding _Decriminalizing Sex_—Ken Starr _Subtle Yet Sexy_—Rosie O’Donnell _America: Un País para Todos_—Patrick J. Buchanan _The Hypocrisy of the “Liberal Media” Myth_—Larry King with Rush Limbaugh _The Art of Spelling_—J. Danforth Quayl _“The Friendly Butterfly” and Other Poems_—Trent Reznor _Catcher in the Rye II: Day of the Ninja_—J.D. Salinger ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/32 "2000-11-04T17:40:10Z")
_How to Make Your Millions and Retire by the Age of 25_ by Crunchy Frog _How to Find Emotionally Stable Women for Long Term Relationships_ by Crunchy Frog _My Life as the Greatest Sex Machine Ever_ by Crunchy Frog _Controlling Your Temper_ by Crunchy Frog (some of the posters will understand that one) _The Electrician’s Guide to Safe Wiring_ by Crunchy Frog (see [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=28606) for an explanation and there’s another one somewhere, but I can’t find it.) ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Pinky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@Dr.Pinky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Pinky)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/33 "2000-11-04T17:56:59Z")
I actually own “Everything Men Know About Women” by Dr. Alan Francis (a blank book). I’ve filled up 8 pages so far. "Marriage works best when at least one of the wedded is committed. How doubly unfortunate, therefore, the decline in long-term, high-security psychiatric facilities." ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/34 "2000-11-04T18:43:42Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Kilt-wearin’ man \* \*\* > [@](#): > > “The Kama Sutra” as translated by Dr Seuss > \*\* Never? Too bad. I would love to read that. The Newcomer’s Guide to Living in America by Pat Buchanan A Concise Explaination of Life on Earth, it’s Origins and Future by God ---
**Author:** ![Anamorphic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anamorphic/32/3057_2.png) [@Anamorphic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anamorphic)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/35 "2000-11-04T18:46:18Z")
_Why’s Waldo: A Children’s First Guide To Existentialism_ ---
**Author:** ![scratch1300](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@scratch1300](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scratch1300)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/36 "2000-11-04T19:02:27Z")
More children’s books: _Bi-Curious George_ _Heather’s Mommy Has Supernumerary Nipples_ ---
**Author:** ![Anamorphic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anamorphic/32/3057_2.png) [@Anamorphic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anamorphic)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/37 "2000-11-04T19:06:10Z")
Even more childrens books: _Clifford, the Big Red Festering Wound_ - Dave ---
**Author:** ![OrcaChow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/e47c2d/32.png) [@OrcaChow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OrcaChow)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/38 "2000-11-04T19:30:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kilt-wearin’ man \* > **"The Kama Sutra" as translated by Dr Seuss"** I thought that’s what _ **Hop on Pop** _ was about. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/39 "2000-11-04T19:43:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OrcaChow \* > \*\*I thought that’s what _Hop on Pop_ was about. > \*\* Are you sure you didn’t wanna post that in the [NAMBLA](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=44926) thread? ---
**Author:** ![HelloKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecccb3/32.png) [@HelloKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelloKitty)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2000, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632/40 "2000-11-04T19:47:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ambumax \* > \*\*How about these… > > How to speak eloquently in public by Dan Quayle \*\* …forward written by George W. Bush. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/books-that-will-never-be-written/39632.md?page=3)