# Boring porn rant **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 22, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244 "2002-07-22T17:57:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/1 "2002-07-22T17:57:35Z")
Okay. I suppose that I brought this on myself. I suppose that I should be searching for higher-quality porn. Or, really, I should find something better to do with my time. But this is annoying the hell out of me. All I wanted to do was kill a few kittens, but nooooooo. I put up with a lot during my porn viewing. I put up with the women whose breasts are balloon-shaped and defy gravity. I put up with said women yelping, and screaming, and squeaking like gerbils on speed. I put up with less-than-attractive, bored looking men who can barely keep it up long enough to pump 3 or 4 times before the Glorious Money Shot. Lately I’ve been putting up with men appearing to have penises (penii?) that range from 18-24 inches ( :eek: ). But y’all have simply gone too far. Is it too much to ask that the dubbing matches the action? To put an even finer point on it… if a young woman has a penis shoved in her twat and another one halfway down her throat, SHE CANNOT BE YELPING. Moaning, yes. But the noises you have her making require the full use of her mouth, which is clearly doing other things. It’s very distracting. Here I am, sword inches from descending onto the kitten’s neck, when it becomes _very_ apparent that there’s really bad dubbing involved in the video I’ve been- until that moment- enjoying, and suddenly the kitten is granted a last-minute stay of execution with full pardon. I’m a very, very frustrated person right now. :mad: And before you tell me to turn the sound down… what the hell is the point of watching porn if you don’t have the “boom chicka wa-wa” soundtrack? Argh. -BK ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/2 "2002-07-22T18:28:04Z")
Thank you for your concern. We’ll try to do better next time. ---
**Author:** ![Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c68b51/32.png) [@Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/3 "2002-07-22T18:33:52Z")
Try gay porn. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/4 "2002-07-22T19:11:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by bobkitty \* > \*\*\All I wanted to do was kill a few kittens, but nooooooo. > > \Here I am, sword inches from descending onto the kitten’s neck, \and suddenly the kitten is granted a last-minute stay of execution with full pardon.\ > -BK \*\* I know there’s more than one way to skin a cat but I don’t think this is the original intended use for porn. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/5 "2002-07-22T21:34:46Z")
“Killing the kitten?” That has got to be the strangest euphemism I’ve ever heard. ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/6 "2002-07-22T21:54:51Z")
> [@](#): > > “Killing the kitten?” That has got to be the strangest euphemism I’ve ever heard. [One image,](http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/3e540670) and it becomes a household euphemism. Maybe I should start to refer to it as defenestrating the armchair or something and see how quickly it becomes common usage. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/7 "2002-07-22T23:00:11Z")
One of my friends who watches a lot more porn than I do told me to try the “Shane’s World” series once, when I was making a similar complaint. She said it’s pretty realistic and worth checking into. Of course I never followed up on the suggestion, because I’m lazy, but I thought I’d pass it along just in case you’re interested. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [July 22, 2002, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/8 "2002-07-22T23:56:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kantalooppi \* > \*\* > > [One image,](http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/3e540670) and it becomes a household euphemism. > > Maybe I should start to refer to it as defenestrating the armchair or something and see how quickly it becomes common usage. \*\* Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Though I like the defenestrating the armchair one much better. ---
**Author:** ![bobo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@bobo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobo)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/9 "2002-07-23T01:57:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kantalooppi \* > \*\* > Maybe I should start to refer to it as defenestrating the armchair or something and see how quickly it becomes common usage. \*\* If your style somehow manages to force an armcharm out the window, I need to take lessons from you good sir. On second thought, a description will suffice, no need for mano a mano instructions… (ewww, sorry about that one). ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 8:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/10 "2002-07-23T08:09:17Z")
Domo-Kuns! That’s what they’re called. Where are they from, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/11 "2002-07-23T12:04:44Z")
Hey **matt\_mcl** : [The Origin of Domo-Kun](http://www.cardhouse.com/japan/domokun.htm#domo). 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/12 "2002-07-23T13:35:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kantalooppi \* > **[One image,](http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/3e540670) and it becomes a household euphemism.** You think _that’s_ bad… Mr. Kitty has that as his desktop image. I had to bring his computer to Staples the other day for a minor repair, and the look on the tech’s face when he booted it up was friggin’ priceless. Of course then he had to call over everyone within earshot and show them. :eek: **MsWhatsit** … thanks. I’ll have to check it out and report back to you. 🙂 Oh, and **Hastur** … Cute. 😉 Actually, I have a nice collection of that as well, but that’s where the Really Scary Penises[sup]tm[/sup] have suddenly started appearing so I put it aside for a bit. Honestly the sight of a 24-inch monstrosity getting anywhere near an oriface is enough to put me off of sex altogether. Ouch. -BK ---
**Author:** ![xyzzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/e36b37/32.png) [@xyzzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xyzzy)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/13 "2002-07-23T16:21:24Z")
You forgot the worst part about downloading pr0n… You do a search on [insert your fetish here], right? You get a list of about a dozen different files, all with very arousing names. You get all piggy and download the whole schmiel at one shot, only to discover… They are all the SAME god damned file! The assholes who downloaded those and shared them simply HAD to change the file names. Damn, that pisses me off. I just delete the duplicates myself and only share ONE copy! Oh yeah, two Kazaa rules: DELETE YOUR GARBAGE FILES! QUIT THAT FUCKING RENAMING! ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/14 "2002-07-23T16:36:51Z")
Re scary penises: "Jeff Stryker is this big gay male porn …celeb, I guess. I don’t want to call him a star, that’s just scary. Anyway, Mr. Peepee is like, this long, and this wide. That’s pretty accurate, isn’t it? It’s huge. “And those of you who have rented a Jeff Stryker video know that Jeff Stryker only ever says three things… The second of which is, ‘Tighten that ass. Yea, tighten that ass.’ Now, did I mention that Mr. Peepee is like this long and this wide? If I have something that size up my ass, I’m going to take offense. ‘You want me to what??! I’ve got a fire hydrant up my ass, mister, back off!’” - Maggie Cassella ---
**Author:** ![xyzzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/e36b37/32.png) [@xyzzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xyzzy)\ **Post date:** [July 23, 2002, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boring-porn-rant/120244/15 "2002-07-23T17:00:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > \*\*Re scary penises: > > "Jeff Stryker is this big gay male porn …celeb, I guess. I don’t want to call him a star, that’s just scary. Anyway, Mr. Peepee is like, this long, and this wide. That’s pretty accurate, isn’t it? It’s huge. > “And those of you who have rented a Jeff Stryker video know that Jeff Stryker only ever says three things… The second of which is, ‘Tighten that ass. Yea, tighten that ass.’ Now, did I mention that Mr. Peepee is like this long and this wide? If I have something that size up my ass, I’m going to take offense. ‘You want me to what??! I’ve got a fire hydrant up my ass, mister, back off!’” > > - Maggie Cassella \*\* JAYzus! I can soooo empathise. :eek: Whenever I’m in that situation (doing bottom action), I’m thinking “Slow the fuck down already…you trying to put me in diapers or what? I mean, at least leave me with the ability to sit down without wincing.” At least the experience taught me to be MUCH more considerate when I’m doing a woman. I can only imagine what it’d be like having some pig root you out vaginally with no thought to your comfort.