# Boy-boy exception to monogamy? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 15, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350 "2013-12-15T03:18:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/1 "2013-12-15T03:18:12Z")
[Inspired by this thread.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=710406) Women, if you caught your SO experimenting with another man, would you be more or less upset than if you caught him with another woman? I think there may be a cultural double standard, where experimenting women are seen as hot and bi-curious, whereas experimenting men are seen as 100% gay closet-cases. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 3:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/2 "2013-12-15T03:39:57Z")
It wouldn’t be better or worse for me, but as I said in the other thread, it would definitely be different. I would be disappointed, creeped out, and sad that the relationship was ending. But I wouldn’t be jealous, wouldn’t still be attracted to the guy, and wouldn’t be offended. I wouldn’t knowingly date someone who was bisexual (or gay, of course) so it would have to be a matter of him struggling with his sexuality. That’s different than just wanting to bone someone else. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/3 "2013-12-15T03:59:41Z")
Not a woman so I didn’t vote. But I think in general a man having a homosexual affair while he’s in a heterosexual relationship is worse than a woman doing so. Fair or not, society has different views on male and female bisexuality. A woman having sex with another woman can be regarded as just “fooling around” while a man having sex with a man is regarded as “serious”. So if the man in a heterosexual relationship has an affair with another man, he’s doing something which most people see as more consequential. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/4 "2013-12-15T04:25:00Z")
Cheating is cheating no matter the gender. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/5 "2013-12-15T04:37:51Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Not a woman so I didn’t vote. But I think in general a man having a homosexual affair while he’s in a heterosexual relationship is worse than a woman doing so. > > Fair or not, society has different views on male and female bisexuality. A woman having sex with another woman can be regarded as just “fooling around” while a man having sex with a man is regarded as “serious”. So if the man in a heterosexual relationship has an affair with another man, he’s doing something which most people see as more consequential. Most people over the age of 60, maybe. ---
**Author:** ![Namkcalb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c89c15/32.png) [@Namkcalb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Namkcalb)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/6 "2013-12-15T08:50:21Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Most people over the age of 60, maybe. Why do you say that? People from earlier years weren’t too fond of lesbians either ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 9:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/7 "2013-12-15T09:39:20Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > Most people over the age of 60, maybe. Are you saying younger people (and I guess middle-aged people) are more casual about male homosexuality than I imagine or are you saying they’re less casual about female homosexuality? (And for the record, I’m under sixty.) ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/8 "2013-12-15T12:24:44Z")
I’d be so surprised I’d maybe be a little less upset than if it were a woman. It’s still cheating, though. I wouldn’t mind if we were at a party and he wanted to experiment a little with another man with me there, that’s fine. Again, I’d be very surprised. It’s happened plenty with other friends around, and he’s never expressed an interest. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/9 "2013-12-15T13:07:52Z")
> [@Namkcalb](#): > > Women, if you caught your SO experimenting with another man, would you be more or less upset than if you caught him with another woman? > > I think there may be a cultural double standard, where experimenting women are seen as hot and bi-curious, whereas experimenting men are seen as 100% gay closet-cases. I would probably be angry that he had lied to me about his real sexual orientation and wasted my time on a relationship that was doomed, on top of being angry that he was cheating on me. While I would not say that it is true of every man who identifies as bisexual, I do think there is at least a grain of truth to the idea that many gay men go through a “transition phase” of temporarily identifying as “bisexual” and eventually end up realizing they really are gay. I say this because I actually did see it happen with one of my friends. He used the label bisexual for a while when he was first starting to come out of the closet, even though nothing about his behavior or comments indicated any sort of romantic interest in women. Once he felt more comfortable with himself he was able to identify as 100% gay. I have seen some research that theorizes women are more flexible in their sexual orientation than men are. Supposedly men are more likely to be on extreme or the other (100% gay or 100% straight), while women are more likely to be somewhere in the middle. My observation of behavior makes me think this is plausible. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/10 "2013-12-15T13:33:41Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > I would probably be angry that he had lied to me about his real sexual orientation and wasted my time on a relationship that was doomed, on top of being angry that he was cheating on me. Ah, I interpreted the OP as that my SO is still 100% himself as he is now, only he had an affair/slept with another man to experiment. If he is actually gay and was never attracted to me at all then the past 12 years have been a lie! I would be much more angry and upset in that scenario than if he fell out of love and had an affair with another woman. I would understand if we were in a time and place where coming out was a big taboo, but not here and not now. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/11 "2013-12-15T15:44:49Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > I have seen some research that theorizes women are more flexible in their sexual orientation than men are. Supposedly men are more likely to be on extreme or the other (100% gay or 100% straight), while women are more likely to be somewhere in the middle. My observation of behavior makes me think this is plausible. I agree. I also believe that women can choose to be lesbian, whereas men cannot choose to be gay. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/12 "2013-12-15T16:29:52Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Are you saying younger people (and I guess middle-aged people) are more casual about male homosexuality than I imagine or are you saying they’re less casual about female homosexuality? (And for the record, I’m under sixty.) I’m saying younger people understand homosexual relationships to be on par with heterosexual ones. Older people might think of someone “dabbling in a lifestyle” as opposed to actually being in love with someone of the same sex. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/13 "2013-12-15T16:34:13Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I agree. I also believe that women can choose to be lesbian, whereas men cannot choose to be gay. How do we choose that? Need answer fast. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/14 "2013-12-15T18:09:25Z")
Well, at least this one has a third option (That includes _either_ “it’s equally OK in both cases”, or “it’s equally wrong in both cases”, and I suspect a majority will fall in there) > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I agree. I also believe that women can choose to be lesbian, whereas men cannot choose to be gay. :dubious: Really? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/15 "2013-12-15T18:26:59Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I’m saying younger people understand homosexual relationships to be on par with heterosexual ones. Older people might think of someone “dabbling in a lifestyle” as opposed to actually being in love with someone of the same sex. And you think it’s equivalent for men and women? I would dispute that. Do you think they would have made a commercial like [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXnza5LRN3A) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRRUzcND5OY) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quFYDhsewMM) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mtNENDbJrY) with two men instead of two women? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2013, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/16 "2013-12-15T18:42:16Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > And you think it’s equivalent for men and women? I would dispute that. > > Do you think they would have made a commercial like [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXnza5LRN3A) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRRUzcND5OY) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quFYDhsewMM) or [this](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mtNENDbJrY) with two men instead of two women? Younger people are also more likely to understand the difference between homosexual relationships and homosexual acts. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2013, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/17 "2013-12-17T17:27:40Z")
When I was married, I asked my wife if she would leave me if I had an affair with another woman; she said she probably would. Then I asked if she would leave me if I had an affair with another man; she said she definitely would. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2013, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/18 "2013-12-17T17:39:41Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I believe that women can choose to be lesbian, whereas men cannot choose to be gay. What do\* you \*choose to be? ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/19 "2013-12-17T18:36:54Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > How do we choose that? Need answer fast. There’s a selector switch behind your left ear. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2013, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350/20 "2013-12-17T19:16:07Z")
FWIW, I’ve met dozens of middle-aged, suburban women via online dating over the last few years; some of whom themselves have opened their own options for dating other women, and it seems that they as well as the exclusively straight women love to meet perfect strangers in order to recite lists of what they don’t like about the opposite sex (this topic at a meeting with a member of that gender? Perhaps it’s not just coincidental that they’ve decided that this is a one-of meet that isn’t going anywhere, so I’m “safe” Who has an emotional investment in a trash receptacle?) Be that as it may, among the litanies is the firm belief that male bisexuality is an absolute deal-breaker. Little virgin boys can have their Cub Scout circle jerks, but once you’ve committed, heterosexuality will brook no heterodoxy. Why? I don’t know. Maybe they don’t want to put their mouths on those dicks after where they’ve been. All based on the theoretical. I only went on a two-date meet with a woman who actually had lost her husband to another man. She was not especially bitter about it at all; but realistic enough to know that it spelled the end of the marriage. Would she have fought to bring him back if it had been another woman? I don’t know, none of my business. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boy-boy-exception-to-monogamy/676350.md?page=2)