# Boyfriend failure to commit, girlfriend very confused **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 10, 2013, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565 "2013-03-10T20:06:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/61 "2013-03-11T04:27:13Z")
> [@Maastricht](#): > > Can you go to a lawyer or notary together and get the practical/financial side of everything drawn up? If he says no to that as well, then you know where you stand. Yes, this. Google “cohabitation agreement.” Would something like this make you feel better? Would he agree to sign something like this? Could it be a starting point? I’m not the world’s most pro-marriage person, but I believe in protecting yourself and giving yourself all the security you can. It sounds like he loves you and expects you to trust him, and it sounds like you do trust him–but surely he could understand that you might feel a little insecure in this position. Like your house: what happens if it burns down with all your stuff in it, will the insurance buy you new stuff along with his new stuff? If he loves you, wouldn’t he want you to feel secure? ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/62 "2013-03-11T04:28:52Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > yes, it must be a different post your reading than most of us here. :dubious: As opposed to the hysterical nonsense the folks on your side are slinging? ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/63 "2013-03-11T04:41:00Z")
Lobohan, yes, all of us have fallen into mass hysteria…that seems more likely than perhaps we are seeing the obvious and using a little common sense ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/64 "2013-03-11T04:46:39Z")
dear OP, after reading the op again and all the points others have drawn, I have only one good word of advice on your boyfriend and his treatment towards you, basically that would be simply “run” please, please do… its like watching a train wreck coming, so…“run” ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/65 "2013-03-11T04:56:53Z")
Dear OP, don’t throw away a good relationship or stay in a bad one because of what the neckbeard and bingo-wing set of an internet forum say. If the relationship isn’t working, leave. But listening to the silliness that’s been posted here isn’t at all reasonable. None of these people, me included, know you or your boyfriend. They’re making arguments from ignorance. And in some cases, seemingly from fantasy. ---
**Author:** ![Q.N.Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/3da27b/32.png) [@Q.N.Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.N.Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/66 "2013-03-11T05:00:25Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > As opposed to the hysterical nonsense the folks on your side are slinging? I’m sure it does seem “hysterical” to people who have not seen, in great detail, what happens when these sorts of relationships come apart. Unfortunately, due to my professional experiences, I have. Perhaps this makes me overly sensitive. However, I submit to you that it is far outside the norm for one long-term but uncommitted partner to have so much power over the other. Typically, it is associated with a pathological dynamic. The one I described earlier may seem extreme, but it is sadly common. Even if he’s just a great guy who can’t commit, it is foolish for her not to have economic security independent of her boyfriend. ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/67 "2013-03-11T05:01:03Z")
Its silly to protect herself? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/68 "2013-03-11T05:05:00Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > Unfortunately, due to my professional experiences, I have. Perhaps this makes me overly sensitive. Perhaps it does. Or perhaps, humans being peculiar animals, they don’t fall into the exact categories you think they do. > [@](#): > > However, I submit to you that it is far outside the norm for one long-term but uncommitted partner to have so much power over the other. Typically, it is associated with a pathological dynamic. The one I described earlier may seem extreme, but it is sadly common. > > Even if he’s just a great guy who can’t commit, it is foolish for her not to have economic security independent of her boyfriend. I agree with that. She should talk with him about that. Although, she does have a business that’s in the process of growing, so even without him there is no reason to think she’d be destitute. In any case, a two paragraph abstract isn’t enough to derive a sensible opinion. IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/69 "2013-03-11T05:06:06Z")
> [@Q.N.Jones](#): > > … it is far outside the norm for one long-term but uncommitted partner to have so much power over the other. Typically, it is associated with a pathological dynamic. The one I described earlier may seem extreme, but it is sadly common. > > Even if he’s just a great guy who can’t commit, it is foolish for her not to have economic security independent of her boyfriend. This is what is so concerning, how he seems to give himself all the power and advantage in the relationship, this could be an inway to later abuse. Not saying he would become abusive, but arranging for her to have no power that way, with him in charge of everything is common for abusers ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/70 "2013-03-11T05:06:24Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Its silly to protect herself? :dubious: No, listening to a chorus of Chicken-Littles scream about how an otherwise good, long term relationship must be ended immediately, because a 28 year old man isn’t ready to get married, is silly. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/71 "2013-03-11T05:07:30Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > This is what is so concerning, how how seems to give himself all the power and advantage in the relationship, this could be an inway to later abuse. Not saying he would become abusive, but arranging for her to have no power that way, with him in charge of everything is common for abusers Hey, in your vast study of abusive relationships, how many wait eight years to spring their traps? :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/72 "2013-03-11T05:35:15Z")
Its not uncommon at all…, abusers tend to precede physical abuse with control tactics and emotional abuse before physical abuse. I never said he will become violent. But, for sure, abusers do use control before they become physical Whether or not it turns into that or not, doesnt take away from the point of him holding most of the power in the relationship ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/73 "2013-03-11T05:40:18Z")
Frankly, the OP talks about her relationship far more fondly than most people talk about their marriages. The OP’s fella actually seems like a pretty great guy. I’m hardly a member of the He-man woman hating crowd who subscribes to the pick up artist theories, but I sure as shit never gave any money to any chick of mine to start some damned business. My hyperbole aside, the OP has clearly stated that she thinks her partner treats her great. So great that she wants him to sign a legal contract promising to be with her forever. So the “Run away! This man will destroy you!” posts might be slightly premature. It’s somewhat easier to suggest that someone else needs to sit their partner down and have a long boring conversation about their relationship and its future than it is to actually do it one’s self, but that is exactly what the OP needs to do. Have the conversation. Maybe propose to him (it’s an equal partnership, and it’s ridiculous to think that the woman can’t propose). If he rejects you, then it’s time to move on if you value being married more than being with him. I’ll also note that just because a man doesn’t want to get married doesn’t mean that man is immature. He may never want to get married. Personally, I think marriage is an unnatural social anachronism that tends to make people boring and miserable and some how manages to be both anti-feminist and anti-man, but that’s just _my_ opinion. Maybe the OP’s partner does want to be married but he’s afraid. A lot of marriages start off well but end horribly. I don’t think it’s cowardly to be cautious about it, given all the horror stories one regularly hears about ex-husbands and ex-wives. There’s been a lot of mention of the old “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” adage. But these sort of things can go both ways. Does the OP’s boyfriend know that if the OP achieves the stereotypical female romantic goal (marriage) that she’ll continue to treat him the same way? There are just as many jokes that go “Once you get married the sex stops and the nagging starts and then she gets fat” as there are “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” jokes. My only point is that just because a man (and a relatively young man at that) is hesitant or reluctant about marriage, doesn’t necessarily mean he never wants to get married. ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/74 "2013-03-11T05:41:25Z")
> [@Lobohan](#): > > No, listening to a chorus of Chicken-Littles scream about how an otherwise good, long term relationship must be ended immediately, because a 28 year old man isn’t ready to get married, is silly. To many here, it doesnt sound ‘otherwise good’ and the fact he isnt ready to get married is less of a concern than his control and manipulation ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/75 "2013-03-11T05:44:06Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Its not uncommon at all…, abusers tend to precede physical abuse with control tactics and emotional abuse before physical abuse. Talking in weak-ass generalities, yet being certain is what I’m talking about. You know almost nothing about their situation, yet you advocate destroying a possibly healthy relationship, based on nothing more than your intuition. If they’re happy, that’s a pretty shitty thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/76 "2013-03-11T05:46:16Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > …than his control and manipulation Which has been conjured from the luminiferous æther by Intarweb Wizzardry™ ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/77 "2013-03-11T06:23:17Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > You need to lay down the line and make him step over it with you and be willing to walk out if he doesn’t. Yeah, it’s time to protect yourself a bit here. 1. Propose. If he says no, you could try asking _him_ why, but he’ll probably hedge any answer with “I dunno.” 2. At that point, tell him you need legal protections with regard to your relationship, property, finances, power of attorney, etc. Be matter of fact about it – he’s committed to you (according to him), so this shouldn’t be a big deal, right – a hassle, yes, but something necessary for your relationship. 3. If he hauls out the “but it feels too ‘adult’” bit, point out that he _is_ an adult, and the realities of life aren’t going to wait for him to feel (or act) like one. Either one of you could get seriously ill or die in an accident tomorrow. Getting married would be the simpler option to arrange these legal protections, but if he won’t do that option, it’s past time to do it piecemeal, if you have to. 4. If he still resists, I think that’ll tell you everything you need to know about how committed he really is. ---
**Author:** ![Tollhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e99b99/32.png) [@Tollhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tollhouse)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/78 "2013-03-11T06:52:25Z")
Yea, his line about it feeling “too adult” I think the op could trot out the same excuse whenever he wants sex…she could say that she wishes she could but frankly, it just feels “too adult”…and see how fast it takes him to argue “but you are an adult” ---
**Author:** ![Lobohan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobohan/32/79_2.png) [@Lobohan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobohan)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/79 "2013-03-11T08:46:39Z")
> [@Tollhouse](#): > > Yea, his line about it feeling “too adult” I think the op could trot out the same excuse whenever he wants sex…she could say that she wishes she could but frankly, it just feels “too adult”…and see how fast it takes him to argue “but you are an adult” That’s your idea? Use sex as a passive aggressive weapon? OP, please don’t listen to this person. ---
**Author:** ![gracer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@gracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gracer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565/80 "2013-03-11T08:47:00Z")
I notice the OP hasn’t been back. Probably because she is still in 2013 and can’t read all these posts from the 1950s. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-failure-to-commit-girlfriend-very-confused/652565.md?page=5)