# Boyfriend has substance abuse issues **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281 "2011-01-03T23:25:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Capitaine\_Zombie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@Capitaine\_Zombie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capitaine_Zombie)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/21 "2011-01-04T02:21:57Z")
Honestly, two joints a day aint a horrible addiction (then again it depends on the strength of the stuff, but still), especially if he waits till evening. But the whole rest, wow. I just find it strange that he has so many cravings for so many different susbtances and so little for actual weed. I’m also surprised that no harder drugs entered his addiction fav list. I’m sure the guy can kick out of his habits on a physical level though. You should probably dump him, but abandoning him… wasnt he your friend before you dated? ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/22 "2011-01-04T02:23:06Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > This is the part that makes me wonder - what did you think would happen when you got serious with a guy who smoked too much pot? That the power of your love would make him change his ways? I’m not trying to be mean, but I honestly don’t see where starting a relationship with this guy sounded like a good idea. There’s “I thought he was a great guy, then a little while down the road he changed and things went wrong.” and there’s, “I started dating a guy who does drugs all the time, and (surprise!) it’s not going great.” Well in fairness to the OP, she said she will smoke marijuana on rare occasion, so maybe because SHE CAN handle the casual use of reefer when the mood strikes, she thought that everyone else was also able to moderate their intake in a similar manner—If she had never tried drugs at all, your post might make more sense to me, but maybe that’s just my own way of looking at it… ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/23 "2011-01-04T02:30:08Z")
I join the chorus. He’s only going to descend more and more. If he isn’t willing to get sober, then you have to separate from him. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant. Ketmaine is pretty heavy, by the way, and not safe at all. It’s an anasthetic with both dissociative and hallucinogenic effects which is closer to PCP in its effects than Ecstasy. The thing to worry the most about, though, is the drinking. Sooner or later, he’s going to lose more and more control of his life just from that. He may not be a bad person, but his rationalizations are those of an addict. It sounds like he doesn’t believe he has a problem, though, and until he does, he isn’t going to be relationship material. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/24 "2011-01-04T02:34:51Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > This is the part that makes me wonder - what did you think would happen when you got serious with a guy who smoked too much pot? That the power of your love would make him change his ways? I’m not trying to be mean, but I honestly don’t see where starting a relationship with this guy sounded like a good idea. There’s “I thought he was a great guy, then a little while down the road he changed and things went wrong.” and there’s, “I started dating a guy who does drugs all the time, and (surprise!) it’s not going great.” The pot by itself would be nothing. It’s not a particularly dangerous or debilitating drug, and a habit that’s nowhere near as hard to break as alcoholism, hard drugs or even cigarettes. I smoked a lot of pot when I first started dating my wife, tapered off and eventually quit all together. I haven’t been high since the 90’s. Women can redeem pot heads. It happened to me. Alcoholism, though…that’s another story. ---
**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/25 "2011-01-04T02:38:31Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > ..I’m not trying to be mean, but I honestly don’t see where starting a relationship with this guy sounded like a good idea. There’s “I thought he was a great guy, then a little while down the road he changed and things went wrong.” and there’s, “I started dating a guy who does drugs all the time, and (surprise!) it’s not going great.” Moreover, even if he does stop the drugging and drinking for good–and I suppose that’s the best-case scenario for you–he won’t be the same person you’ve known from the start anymore. You’ll have to get to know him all over again-- the real person, finally. If you know the age at which he started, then you know his real emotional age. You’ll see him struggling to truly face life–something he has been avoiding with the drugs probably ever since you first met him. Until now, all you’ve really known are the drugs and booze. Even when he’s not drinking or using, they still are the guiding forces in his mental and emotional states. So by leaving him, you’re not losing anything–you’re learning an important lesson. ---
**Author:** ![dukette71](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@dukette71](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dukette71)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/26 "2011-01-04T02:39:55Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Everyone has said what needs to be said. The real choices you have are heartache now, or heartache later. You can’t fix him, you can’t change him, but you can find someone who doesn’t make you deal with this BS. This +1 I have the same problem as you, but going on many many years. It just gets more heartbreaking, even if he doesn’t end up in jail. Maybe you should tell your guy that you need to take a break and think things over. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/27 "2011-01-04T03:00:46Z")
How on earth does he pay for his habit? Not that will make any difference to the advice which has already been offered and I agree with- get out. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/28 "2011-01-04T03:36:38Z")
Yeah, you need to get out of there. It doesn’t sound like you really even know who he is. (Is there anything in there?) You’re dating a stranger. Say goodbye. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/29 "2011-01-04T03:50:53Z")
DTMFA. You already know you need to. You already know you don’t want to, too, but you have to. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/30 "2011-01-04T04:05:12Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The pot by itself would be nothing. It’s not a particularly dangerous or debilitating drug, and a habit that’s nowhere near as hard to break as alcoholism, hard drugs or even cigarettes. I smoked a lot of pot when I first started dating my wife, tapered off and eventually quit all together. I haven’t been high since the 90’s. Women can redeem pot heads. It happened to me. > > Alcoholism, though…that’s another story. The OP’s own words - “I’ve always thought his pot smoking was out of hand” - it might be nothing to you, and it might be nothing to her boyfriend, but it was a huge red flag to HER that she ignored. I don’t want to get into yet another discussion over whether pot is good, bad, or indifferent; it was bad TO HER, and that’s all that matters here. Adding in all the other substances he’s using, and it’s all just shit icing on a shit cake. ETA: Again, not trying to be mean - I think you tried something, OP, and it didn’t work out. I think the best you can do at this point is learn a good lesson from this. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/31 "2011-01-04T04:08:22Z")
He’s not going to quit. You need to leave for your own good. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/32 "2011-01-04T04:55:45Z")
He loves drugs more than you. Leave. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/33 "2011-01-04T05:06:11Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > This is the part that makes me wonder - what did you think would happen when you got serious with a guy who smoked too much pot? That the power of your love would make him change his ways? I’m not trying to be mean, but I honestly don’t see where starting a relationship with this guy sounded like a good idea. There’s “I thought he was a great guy, then a little while down the road he changed and things went wrong.” and there’s, “I started dating a guy who does drugs all the time, and (surprise!) it’s not going great.” If the sexes were reversed, I suspect that many people would be thinking, “well, someone this messed up is probably a FREAK in bed.” (Still, with everything this guy is on, he’s probably not that able to perform at all). > [@Green\_Rosetta](#): > > …and something that he told me was “like ecstacy.” For some reason, this cracked me up. It’s like he’s some mad inventor. ---
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/34 "2011-01-04T05:17:06Z")
I can’t read this whole thread because it will make me remember the crazy too clearly, but I did want to share this one thing that people often forget and that I learned from hard hard experience. People who go into recovery sometimes eventually come right back out of it. Really, it happens all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/35 "2011-01-04T05:18:50Z")
Run. Run fast. Run far. Women get involved with men thinking they can change them, the men never do. Look if it comes down to a choice between drugs and you, you are a distant second. No matter how good you are in bed, you can’t make him feel as good as the drugs. You can either believe me on this, or find out the hard way after you get screwed by a drug addict. Seriously, Run Run Fast. Run Far. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Rosetta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Green\_Rosetta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Rosetta)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/36 "2011-01-04T05:20:54Z")
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I get what people are saying about already knowing what I need to do- I guess I just needed some more support and people to talk to since I don’t want to share this with many people IRL. As far as thinking he would change, no, I never did, and I don’t- and I’m definitely not naive enough to think that “my love would fix him.” I knew he smoked a lot of pot but I didn’t realize just how much until we were serious, and I didn’t realize how much it would/does bother me until recently. It’s sad because he’s a very sweet, funny, generous person, but I have no idea what’s the product of drugs and what isn’t in his personality. Sometimes he’ll “clean up” for a day or two, and I really like that person, and I’ve told him as much. But it only lasts for a day or two and then it’s back to the same old thing. As much as I want it to, nothing I say or do is going to change this situation, and it really hurts me that I’m not as important as some stupid plant. If anyone has some personal stories I’d appreciate it. The hard part is getting up my gumption to break things off so I’d appreciate advice from people who’ve had to do it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/37 "2011-01-04T05:42:01Z")
One thing to remember is that he isn’t prioritizing the drugs over you because he thinks you’re less important, but because he has a disease that hijacks his brain. Addicts can know that they’re hurting their loved ones, feel horrible about it and still be unable to stop themselves from doing it. Addiction can ruin good people. A lot of the cliches are true. It isn’t your fault. He has to _want_ to stop. He may have to bottom out. He may be salvagable if he gets sober. A lot of people do manage to recover and lead productive, nurturing lives. It happens. People can and do get better. Addicts aren’t necessarily permanently broken. But you can’t be with him while he’s active in his alcoholism/addiction, and you need to tell him that straight up. Chances are, he’ll deny he has a problem, but the way to answer that is to tell him that _you_ have a problem with it, and it’s not how you want to live. Maybe this kind of consequence will be enough to make him seek treatment. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/38 "2011-01-04T05:54:02Z")
> [@Green\_Rosetta](#): > > Foolishly, I wish that he loved me enough to _want_ to change. Oh, sweetie. That’s not foolish, it’s very very human. I know what it’s like to want that so badly you think you can put up with anything as long as there’s some hope he’ll stop. But he’s not going to change. He isn’t. _He won’t stop_. Get out. Run while you still have legs. Every person in the whole world who’s loved an addict is going to tell you the same thing. Run. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/39 "2011-01-04T06:55:17Z")
> [@Green\_Rosetta](#): > > If anyone has some personal stories I’d appreciate it. The hard part is getting up my gumption to break things off so I’d appreciate advice from people who’ve had to do it. I have a friend who posts pictures of his wife on Facebook just about every day. His wife is not particularly beautiful- mousy hair, plain face, new-mommy clothes. Through these pictures, however. you can tell quite clearly how beautiful she is to him. There are men out there who will love you like that. Men who would cut off their arm rather than hurt you. But you are not going to find them while you are spending all your energy on a man who has fallen in love with the bottle, the bong, and the straw. You deserve better than this. If you need more motivation, go watch some episodes of “Intervention” on Hulu. Addicts follow a pattern, and unfortunately that pattern usually ends with “hurting the people who love you in the worst ways you can think of.” It’s probably going to get worse before it can get better, and even if it does get better he will probably have to start a new life- which won’t include you. That may not be because he is a bad person, but rather because you do need to get rid of everything associated with your old life when you start your new one. You are probably already not a part of his future. So why are you hanging around? There path ahead of you almost assuredly will only lead to one place. The question now is how soon you figure that out. The farther you go, the harder it will be. Do your future self a favor and cut your losses now. You’ll find better. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281/40 "2011-01-04T07:04:15Z")
> [@Green\_Rosetta](#): > > \ The hard part is getting up my gumption to break things off so I’d appreciate advice from people who’ve had to do it. I think you’ll break things off when you’re completely fed up with them. If you’re not there yet, you probably won’t. Just please don’t have any babies with him in the meantime. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-has-substance-abuse-issues/566281.md?page=3)