# Boyfriend spanked my son without my permission. Advice on how to chew him out most effectively? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 8, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934 "2010-11-08T17:54:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/201 "2010-11-09T21:26:18Z")
Note: I may have missed something due to Dio-related activity. If so, I apologize. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/202 "2010-11-09T22:19:51Z")
> [@E-Sabbath](#): > > Well. I think the first thing to do is step back here, and realize there’s two issues. First, the spanking, and secondly, why he didn’t tell you. > > I think you have to listen to why he didn’t tell you, first. Deep breath, no accusations. Just go up to him and say, “I want to get past this, but it’s bothering me. Can you tell me why you didn’t tell me you spanked little Billy?” The answer is probably because you agreed not to, but he did anyhow, and then he felt ashamed of it. I’m guessing, but it’s a pretty probable answer. Take that answer, think about it, then forgive him. Forgive him in your heart, because I’m gathering you care about him quite a lot. > > Make it clear to him that the not telling hurt you as much as the spanking bit. > > Then work on figuring out why he spanked your kid. Forgive him again. Let your anger go. But make sure he understands you’re really against corporal punishment. > > Look, one slip isn’t the end of the world. But hiding shit might be. It snowballs. Thanks- hiding things is something he has always done. Usually, though, it’s tiny things like a girl called him about something and he said it was her husband that called. This is the first big thing and I’ve often said that if he hides little things, what happens when it’s something big. It’s one of many issues we need to work on. The whole reason I started this thread was for help communicating effectively. Obviously it’s something I don’t do well, considering my 2nd thread ever has spawned 2 pit threads and 4 pages of venom. ---
**Author:** ![jonesj2205](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ecc23a/32.png) [@jonesj2205](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jonesj2205)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/203 "2010-11-09T22:27:10Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > Obviously it’s something I don’t do well, considering my 2nd thread ever has spawned 2 pit threads and 4 pages of venom. I don’t think you can take credit for that. You got a lot of help there. For what it’s worth I wasn’t all that sympathetic based on your original post, more how you described things than specific points. But in your followups you’ve done a lot to convince me I was wrong. That impulse to communicate less when your seeing red and more when you can do so clearly and rationally was right on. Good for you. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/204 "2010-11-09T23:10:46Z")
Wow this thread blew up. Erm, anyway, one thing that spawned on me as I was reading along and didn’t seem to get mentioned is assumption about your boyfriends motives. I’m still unclear about the timing and what all was said, but one thing you did say was along the lines of “he changed the rules because he was angry”. They may, in fact, be absolutely correct, but I’m unsure whether this is just your assumption about why he did it, or he confessed that he lost his cool and spanked him. In either case, his motives can very much change the situation. If he was angry, maybe he just slipped, it probably won’t happen again, not a big deal. Maybe he felt it was serious enough that it needed immediate response and it wasn’t easily covered under things you had already discussed and he didn’t have time to confer with you which could be addressed with some clarification discussion. Maybe he had disregard for your parental opinions and it’s a sign of something worse. The other part I’m confused about is the hiding. Was he really trying to hide it? Depending on the motives above, maybe he just really didn’t think it was a particularly big deal. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he didn’t want to confront you with it right when you got home or wanted to wait until after he was in bed so you could discuss it behind closed doors. Maybe he thought he screwed up and was ashamed. Any of those motivations, or some other ones, could easily change the severity of the situation. Ignore this all if I’m way off base here, but it’s easy when you’re upset, as you clearly were, to sort of have assumptions about motivations. Just like he shouldn’t react with discipline in anger, it’s important to approach these sorts of situations with a calm head too and make sure you both really understand how the other feels. You will decide what you will about how to proceed with whether spanking will be allowed, who can and can’t, how your family meshes together, I just want to make sure that the underlying motivations are clearly understood or you may be addressing what is actually a much smaller problem, or not recognizing what could be a much more serious one. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/205 "2010-11-09T23:13:22Z")
Ooof. I just saw **dorky** ’s followup. My WAG is that your BF was raised by people who made a big stink over little stuff, and he learned that it was easier to try to hide that little stuff and hope he could avoid the blowout entirely. In fact, I’ll crawl further out onto the same limb and venture that he’s with you because you repeat that familiar pattern … ? You are, of course, free to ignore my armchair psychoanalyzing if I’m way off base here. 🙂 But if you get the … what did you call it? … “red mist” over things that you later see are making you overreact, then you could be inadvertantly encouraging him to \*\*not \*\*tell you stuff like “Hey, your son hit my kid so I spanked him” because when he does, you essentially punish him for being honest with you. Not that this excuses him in any way from hiding shit or lying to you. Not at all! I’m only bringing it up because in almost any couple-y problem, both sides contribute in some way. I truly hope this helps, and good luck with that whole communication thing - it’s kinda a bitch sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/206 "2010-11-09T23:34:05Z")
[quote=“Blaster\_Master, post:204, topic:559934”] Maybe he had disregard for your parental opinions and it’s a sign of something worse. [QUOTE] This was my original thought, which was one of the reasons why I was so ticked. We have disagreed more than once about spanking. I figured he thought I wouldn’t do “enough” about the situation, so he just took it upon himself to spank him because he was so mad and didn’t want littledorky to get away with it. Hence my initial reaction. I did feel like he completely disregarded my opinions and wishes. I had to cool down enough to actually ASK. He said, paraphrased, “I wasn’t thinking, I was angry and it seemed like a severe situation”. He also said that in retrospect he would not have spanked him. And yes, he also admitted that he didn’t tell me because he knew I would be upset. **purple** , He was subjected to major freakouts and lots of passive aggressive snivelling before. Which is why he feels he can’t be direct. I am constantly telling him he has to have faith in me and put it on the table because I can take it. And I don’t freak out normally. I mentioned in the OP that I had surprised myself by being that angry. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/207 "2010-11-09T23:38:24Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > This language is completely inappropriate for MPSIMS. If you have a problem with someone, take it to the Pit. > > **twickster** , MPSIMS moderator Humble apologies **twicks** , for some reason I thought this was _already_ in the Pit. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [November 10, 2010, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/208 "2010-11-10T01:11:28Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > "I am still very angry and hurt about yesterday. I pretty much said everything I needed to say, but I would like to add this: what you did made me feel that you have no respect for me as a parent. It also made me feel like I can’t trust you with my son. I don’t want to diminish your importance or my appreciation for your part in our lives, but I can’t be with someone who makes me feel this way. I need to know that you hear where I’m coming from and that you take it seriously. I also need to know that this will never happen again. " > I really don’t know what to say to him. Is the above saying it well at all? I’m at work so I may not reply quickly but I will as soon as I’m able. Thanks! First consider you may be totally wrong and your anger is misplaced on him and he did the right thing. Then proceed. You may have issues from your past, and ideal on how such a relationship should between a man and woman in your circumstances - but those ideals were imposed over the years by others. Is it always reasonable for him to be able to contact you 100% of the time in a convenient way? Is this possible given your lifestyle? If not then it is reasonable for him to act on your behalf at times (and you his). He made a command decision given the circumstances at the time, you can either support this oneness of you and him or you can chose to be a totally independent (and ever isolated person). The choice is yours, and that choice will effect your children. ---
**Author:** ![harelycat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f19dbf/32.png) [@harelycat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harelycat)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/209 "2011-03-18T04:43:04Z")
First of all, I didn’t know why they make toy hammers out of metal? I thought they were made from plastic. You could replace the metal hammer with a plastic hammer so he can’t hurt anyone. You should talk to him about why he hit someone with the hammer. He could of saw someone on T.V. hit someone with a hammer and thought that it was cool. Or he really could of been angery at the other kid. You need to get this info from him. If it is an anger problem then you need to teach him copping skills. Ways to calm down when he is angery. I won’t make any comment about the spanking. But if you believe in alternative discipline then you need to back it up with your actions. Teach your kid copping skills and other skills that will decrease his chances of getting into trouble. One thing that really helps some kids to behave better is taking fish oil suppliments for brain developement. Good luck with your kid! ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/210 "2011-03-18T05:02:59Z")
So now that this four+ month old thread has been resurrected, we might as well find out what happened, eh? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/211 "2011-03-18T05:54:21Z")
> [@filling\_pages](#): > > See, and I feel like everyone going, “He hit her with a METAL HAMMER! Of course he got spanked,” are being overly dramatic. The hammer was described as a metal toy, not a framing tool. I’m picturing a plastic hammer that’s been chromed, something lightweight that’s not going to do any damage unless he does stick it in someone’s eye. > [@harelycat](#): > > First of all, I didn’t know why they make toy hammers out of metal? I thought they were made from plastic. Kids’ hammers come in metal (sometimes with a wooden handle) like [this](http://www.amazon.com/Home-Depot-18-piece-Tool-Box/dp/B00013HD0G/ref=pd_cp_hi_2) and [this](http://www.amazon.com/Grip--96009-Grip-Childrens-Tool/dp/B001AIU2UO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300427265&sr=8-1), or [plastic](http://www.amazon.com/iPlay-Cool-Tools-Activity-Set/dp/B00009KWSR/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1300427527&sr=8-5) (generally just for toddlers), not both. Once you get to tools made for ages 3-4 and up, they’re real enough to hammer a nail into wood, and to hurt pretty good if someone hits you with one. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/212 "2011-03-18T13:37:17Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Consistency is key when parenting children. You’re doing your son and boyfriend both a huge disservice if your son will get different punishments from you than from him. How is he not respecting you as a parent (paraphrasing from your prepared statement @ the end) if he’s meting out the same punishments as you? All that applies, and punishments have to be swift, sure and severe. Swift in the sense that it has to be very soon after the offense so that there’s no confusion about what’s being punished, Sure, in the sense that there’s no waffling or varying punishments, or caprice in the application of punishments, and Severe, in that it has to be severe enough to make your point and dissuade the child (dog, criminal, significant other, etc…) from doing it again. The swat on the ass sounds entirely appropriate all things considered. ---
**Author:** ![ladyfoxfyre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ad7895/32.png) [@ladyfoxfyre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ladyfoxfyre)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2011, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/213 "2011-03-18T23:28:19Z")
Yes, I’m shocked no one has mentioned fish supplements until now. Sometimes I really wonder what people are searching google for to stumble on some of these threads. ---
**Author:** ![prettydorky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f04885/32.png) [@prettydorky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/prettydorky)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2011, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/214 "2011-03-21T16:15:34Z")
Just to satisfy everyone’s curiosity- One past Christmas, my son got a pirate treasure hunting toy. It was basically a mound of sand and glue dried together with tiny treasure chests in it. Included were safety goggles, and a little metal chisel and hammer. For reference: [Here](http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000642IRI/ref=asc_df_B000642IRI1472738?tag=thefind0005140-20&creative=395261&creativeASIN=B000642IRI&linkCode=asn) We tossed the chisel but the hammer seemed harmless. I put it in with his little tool set. Wouldn’t have let him keep it if he was normally a hitter- but I think I mentioned before that it’s out of character for him. What my son did was poke the bf’s daughter on her foot with the _handle_ of the hammer, saying “does this hurt, does this hurt?” This is a game the older kids used to play at his after school program, with pencils, fists, whatever. He’d picked it up from them and knew it wasn’t allowed. I don’t want to minimize what he did, because I wasn’t there- but I will say the victim was not injured. She was pissed off but entirely unhurt. The offending object was confiscated and Thrown Away at the time of the incident. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934.md?page=10)