# Boyfriend spanked my son without my permission. Advice on how to chew him out most effectively? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 8, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934 "2010-11-08T17:54:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Giles](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giles/32/60_2.png) [@Giles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giles)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/121 "2010-11-09T16:12:28Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No it isn’t. That’s legally what it is. If you go around hitting other people’s children, that’s criminal assault and battery. Except in self-defense, and in defense of some third person that you have a right to defend (such as your own child). ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/122 "2010-11-09T16:20:21Z")
> [@prettydorky](#): > > He’s sorry, it won’t happen again, and we cleared the air about discipline and authority. Oh? And what is he supposed to do, if your child does something equally bad in the future? What means of punishment is he allowed to use? > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Where are people getting this idea that parents don’t have a right to say they _don’t_ want thir kids to be spanked? The parent does not have absolute veto power over her child’s punishment because she’s not the one who will suffer the consequences if her kid doesn’t learn his lesson. ---
**Author:** ![congodwarf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@congodwarf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/congodwarf)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/123 "2010-11-09T16:22:05Z")
Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/124 "2010-11-09T16:23:47Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > The parent does not have absolute veto power over her child’s punishment because she’s not the one who will suffer the consequences if her kid doesn’t learn his lesson. Are you actually saying that a parent doesn’t have a right to tell somebody else not to spank her kid? This makes sense to you? You think this is a sensible or legally correct statement? ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/125 "2010-11-09T16:27:16Z")
Forget it. This thread has been **Dio** ’d. Any nuanced discussion is now impossible. better luck next time, OP. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/126 "2010-11-09T16:28:14Z")
It’s irrelevant that her kid hit his kid. The appropriate thing to do is to remove the threat and use the appropriate restraint to stop any immediate violnce (and for a 6 year old, that never necessitates hitting). Spanking him is not necessary to defend his own kid. That’s punsihment, not defense, and that punishment is the prerogative of the parent only. Where the hell did you people get the idea that you’re allowed to go around randomly belting other people’s children? ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/127 "2010-11-09T16:30:00Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Are you actually saying that a parent doesn’t have a right to tell somebody else not to spank her kid? This makes sense to you? You think this is a sensible or legally correct statement? If her child is doing something sufficiently dangerous (like hitting other children with a toy, metal hammer), he needs to be taught not to do so in the future, no matter what his mother thinks. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/128 "2010-11-09T16:32:23Z")
> [@Grumman](#): > > If her child is doing something sufficiently dangerous (like hitting other children with a toy, metal hammer), he needs to be taught not to do so in the future, no matter what his mother thinks. This is legally incorrect, just for the record. It’s not for other people to decide what her child “needs to be taught,” nor do they have any legal right to hit him against her will. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/129 "2010-11-09T16:36:49Z")
> [@twickster](#): > > You’re continuing the hijack by commenting on the hijack. > > People, please get back to the topic of the thread. If you want to get into it with **Dio** , take it to the Pit. Is there a sticky thread in the pit for him yet? > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like a jerk, just like he lost control for a second. Don’t let anybody _here_ tell you that you don’t have a right to tell other people not to spank your kid, though. You really do have comprehension issues. Most everyone was seeing some other issue, the spanking was a minor offense, the issue seemed to be that they weren’t as blended a family as she thinks and she should not be getting angry with the bf but try to calmly work out these issues, as a co-parent because that’s essentially what he is. Most everyone here read that the spanking incident was a one time thing in response to severe misbehavior and encouraged the OP not to overreact in anger as there were extenuating circumstances. No one was condoning child abuse. Spanking does not equal beating unless we’re talking about Joe Jackson. Sure some people were less than gentle with her but most just gave their opinions which is what the OP asked for, no one told her to let someone beat her child. I see the OP has discussed the issue more rationally with the bf and worked things out. I do hope this includes a better disciplinary plan the next time the boy acts out in such a way as to potentially harm another or himself to avoid any similar problems in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/130 "2010-11-09T16:38:50Z")
**prettydorky** , many other posters have pointed out that you are being incredibly unfair to your boyfriend. You seem to want him to do all of the “dad” work but your actions make it very clear that he is some sort of a second class citizen here. Something that you will do well to think about is that you are giving this 6 year old an incredible amount of power. He will figure out pretty fast (if he hasn’t already) that he has the power to get “dad” in trouble with you. That will lead to very bad places both for the relationship and for the boy. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/131 "2010-11-09T16:39:54Z")
> [@Wile\_E](#): > > Is there a sticky thread in the pit for him yet? if you want to pit me, me pit me. These pissy little comments outside the pit are getting really annoying, though, since I can’t respond in kind. > [@](#): > > You really do have comprehension issues. Most everyone was seeing some other issue, the spanking was a minor offense, the issue seemed to be that they weren’t as blended a family as she thinks and she should not be getting angry with the bf but try to calmly work out these issues, as a co-parent because that’s essentially what he is. Most everyone here read that the spanking incident was a one time thing in response to severe misbehavior and encouraged the OP not to overreact in anger as there were extenuating circumstances. No one was condoning child abuse. Spanking does not equal beating unless we’re talking about Joe Jackson. Sure some people were less than gentle with her but most just gave their opinions which is what the OP asked for, no one told her to let someone beat her child. People are piling up on a mother and telling her she doesn’t have a right to tell somebody else not to spank her kid. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/132 "2010-11-09T16:53:10Z")
I am not sure why I am going to try to do this, but here goes. Dio: You are acting like there is some mystical superpower that the OP should have to call all of the shots as to how this child is raised simply because she was the one to push it through her crotch. You stance completely invalidates the boyfriends role in this child’s life and the ability he should have to make parenting decisions. The OP lives with the boyfriend and has placed him in the role of father to this child. Period. If he is going to be expected to help raise the child and to help provide for him he should get some say in how the child is raised. If not. If the OP is never going to allow him to fully be in this role than she should have the character to set this guy free so that he can try to find someone who will treat him as an equal. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/133 "2010-11-09T16:56:06Z")
I’m saying she has the right to say whether or not he is allowed to spank her kid. You disagree with that? You think no such parental right exists? ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/134 "2010-11-09T16:57:43Z")
Predictable. I don’t know why I even tried. Hope springs eternal and all that. To the OP, I’m glad you did get some benefit from the thread before it went totally off the rails. I hope it didn’t scare you back into lurkdom. ---
**Author:** ![Ogre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecb155/32.png) [@Ogre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ogre)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/135 "2010-11-09T16:57:46Z")
That’s our Dio! All black and white, with no gray anywhere to be seen. ---
**Author:** ![Binarydrone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Binarydrone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Binarydrone)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/136 "2010-11-09T17:05:01Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I’m saying she has the right to say whether or not he is allowed to spank her kid. You disagree with that? You think no such parental right exists? Let me ask you a couple of questions: Do you think that this is true because the boyfriend is not the sperm doner? Is it because they are not married? Does the fact that he has been helping to raise this boy for the past 3 years (half of the childs life) mean nothing? In short: is the role that the boyfriend plays in this household completely meaningless to you? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/137 "2010-11-09T17:10:45Z")
> [@Wile\_E](#): > > Predictable. I don’t know why I even tried. Hope springs eternal and all that. Have the guts to take it to the pit. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/138 "2010-11-09T17:12:46Z")
> [@Binarydrone](#): > > Let me ask you a couple of questions: Do you think that this is true because the boyfriend is not the sperm doner? Is it because they are not married? Does the fact that he has been helping to raise this boy for the past 3 years (half of the childs life) mean nothing? In short: is the role that the boyfriend plays in this household completely meaningless to you? He is not a legal parent of that kid. He does not have a right to override the wishes of the one who IS the legal parent. It’s just that simple. Do you believe a legal parent has the right to tell other people not to spank her kids, yes or no? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/139 "2010-11-09T17:14:44Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > That’s our Dio! All black and white, with no gray anywhere to be seen. When it comes to whether a parent has a right to decide she doesn’t want other people spanking her kid, it is a black and white issue, yes. It’s a binary question. She either has the right or she doesn’t have the right. A lot of people here seem to think she doesn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2010, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934/140 "2010-11-09T17:21:18Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It is flat out not his prerogative to do that after she told him not to. Except, she didn’t: > [@prettydorky](#): > > Look, at no point did I say that he couldn’t discipline my son. I never said my son couldn’t be spanked, or that he’s some poor baby for what he got. Nor did he “belt” the kid. There was no mention of a belt being used. Someone Pit this guy – I’m in a hurry right now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-spanked-my-son-without-my-permission-advice-on-how-to-chew-him-out-most-effectively/559934.md?page=8)