# boyfriend with baby **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 7, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760 "2014-02-07T15:55:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/21 "2014-02-07T21:21:29Z")
Maybe he’s just not that into you? ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/22 "2014-02-07T21:34:28Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > Did you start wearing more perfume or wearing more hairspray when you started seeing his dad? Kids are extremely sensitive to perfumes etc. > > also you mention you don’t like his Mom - she’s his A#1 most important human being, so if you show that in front of him, you’ll have to wait 'til he’s 13 to be friends with him. No. Everything is the same. And I dont show it. ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/23 "2014-02-07T21:35:30Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > [Related thread…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=714957) That thread actually made me make my account. I was reading it last night. ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/24 "2014-02-07T21:36:31Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > You’re 18 years old; surely you can find a boyfriend who isn’t tied down with a toddler at this stage in your life. Thats true. But I have wanted this guy for a while. And im not giving up on this. ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/25 "2014-02-07T21:39:32Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Is your boyfriend living with the child’s mother? Has he moved out or stopped seeing her very much since you’ve come into the picture? > > \*We \*can “not judge you.” But a child will very much judge you if she associates something uncomfortable in her life - like tension between her parents or a parent moving out - with your presence. And about all you can do about that is give it time, be compassionate, be consistent with discipline and rules (don’t be meaner \*or \*nicer than her dad) and wait for him to chill. > > My 4 year old HATED my now-husband when we first got together. I couldn’t blame her a bit. Despite a truly craptastic marriage, I didn’t have the courage to leave her father until my now-husband came into my life. So I moved out of my ex-husband’s - my daughter’s - home and in with a new man at the same time. Of \*course \*she thought he destroyed our family. From her point of view, knowing only what she knew at the time, he did. Oh, the battles they had! She was stubborn and willful and spiteful and just plain mean. There were nights she would, completely silently, walk down the stairs to our bedroom and just stand at the end of the bed, glaring at him in silence. Talk about a creepy wake up at 3am! What fixed it? Time. Lots of time for her to build trust and respect for him, which very slowly became love. But I’m talking years, not weeks. We’re coming up on 5 years together, and she will still occasionally give him the “you’re not my real dad” look and be slow to obey. > > Do not, whatever you do, put your boyfriend in the role of enforcer, or allow him to take it on. This is \*your \*relationship with this child, and the two of you need to sort out what it’s going to look like together. If you turn to him when the child doesn’t obey you, it will completely undermine your authority. He will have proven to himself that he doesn’t have to listen to you, that Daddy is the boss, not you. Don’t go down that road. I like that. No, my boyfriend lives with me. Kind of the same scenario. He left the mom and came to me. But I like your advice a lot. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/26 "2014-02-07T21:57:50Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > [You’re not my real stepdad!](http://www.theonion.com/articles/youre-not-my-real-stepdad,11343/) > > What would we do without the Onion? What was the purpose of that? ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/27 "2014-02-07T21:58:50Z")
> [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > Maybe try reading out loud? I remember reading to my (then) toddler at the library in the children’s room, and toddlers I didn’t know at all would wander up and sit down to listen. Get a couple of board books from the library and try it. If it doesn’t work, you’re no worse off than you are now. Thanks!! I’ll try it. ---
**Author:** ![cormac262](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@cormac262](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cormac262)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2014, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/28 "2014-02-07T23:21:49Z")
One other thought - something to consider. You may be being perceived as “competition” - this other person who monopolizes your boyfriend’s time/attention. Especially since this occurs when the mother isn’t around (when you are with the boyfriend), this may be upsetting the child: he is not his father’s sole focus of attention. Kids are perceptive, and are very keen on changes at that age. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/29 "2014-02-08T04:06:12Z")
And who knows what Mommy tells the boy about you. ---
**Author:** ![keturah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e95f7d/32.png) [@keturah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keturah)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/30 "2014-02-08T04:33:06Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > What was the purpose of that? The purpose of that is to get you to recognize that you and your boyfriend are not the summation of your relationship. This kid is real, present and gets way more than you think he does. The fact that you dismiss this is not ok. You are 18. He isn’t that great. Really. ---
**Author:** ![squeegee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/squeegee/32/14537_2.png) [@squeegee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/squeegee)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/31 "2014-02-08T06:19:05Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > When he was younger and I went around he alway want me. Now that he’s a little older, he doesn’t like me. Maybe he takes after his dad no longer taking after his ex. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/32 "2014-02-08T06:41:03Z")
**harmonydesireecash** just give it awhile. babies have phases. hopefully he’ll start liking you more with time. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/33 "2014-02-08T11:55:35Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > What was the purpose of that? Purpose comes from within. ---
**Author:** ![PacifistPorcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@PacifistPorcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PacifistPorcupine)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2014, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/34 "2014-02-08T12:02:47Z")
How old are your boyfriend and his ex? ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/35 "2014-02-09T00:06:41Z")
> [@PacifistPorcupine](#): > > How old are your boyfriend and his ex? My boyfriend is 22, his ex is 25 ---
**Author:** ![harmonydesireecash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/9d8465/32.png) [@harmonydesireecash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonydesireecash)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/36 "2014-02-09T00:08:11Z")
> [@keturah](#): > > The purpose of that is to get you to recognize that you and your boyfriend are not the summation of your relationship. This kid is real, present and gets way more than you think he does. The fact that you dismiss this is not ok. You are 18. He isn’t that great. Really. True, but its all a long story. My boyfriend and I went through hell to be together. Just because he has a kid doesnt mean anything. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/37 "2014-02-09T00:13:56Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > True, but its all a long story. My boyfriend and I went through hell to be together. Just because he has a kid doesnt mean anything. As a parent of a step child, the fact my now husband had a child was always part of the equation. It never, ever meant nothing. Sometimes it made things harder, often it made things fun, but it was always relevant to our relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Hector\_St\_Clare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5ac83/32.png) [@Hector\_St\_Clare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hector_St_Clare)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/38 "2014-02-09T00:36:46Z")
**harmonydesirecash** dating a man (or woman) with a baby is never easy, but that’s not a reason not to do it. Sometimes tough life choices turn out to be very rewarding. sounds like you like this guy, so I’d encourage you to try to make it work. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/39 "2014-02-09T01:24:25Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > True, but its all a long story. My boyfriend and I went through hell to be together. Just because he has a kid doesnt mean anything. To the kid’s mother, you’re the chick who stole away her boyfriend/husband/whatever. The fact that he had a baby didn’t mean anything to you; of course, it apparently meant very little to him, either. Still, the man seems to still want the kid in his life. If you care about him, follow some of the advice in this thread & at least pretend the baby is another human being. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/40 "2014-02-09T01:32:24Z")
> [@harmonydesireecash](#): > > True, but its all a long story. My boyfriend and I went through hell to be together. Just because he has a kid doesnt mean anything. No, it means **everything**. Your boyfriend is a father, and will be for the rest of his life. He will also be in the eyes of the law **financially responsible** for this child for the next 17 or so years, possibly longer if college tuition is involved. He will have to have at least some form of contact with the boy’s mother for those long years, making custody arrangements, pickup and dropoff, discussions about the boy’s welfare like where to go to school and what afterschool activities are OK versus too much and how he’s doing with his homework, and what his health is like, and so on. And if you have a child with him, he’s going to have to split his parenting attention, and his money, because that previous child does not become any less his responsibility if you two have one or more kids together. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760.md?page=3)