# boyfriend with baby **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 7, 2014, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760 "2014-02-07T15:55:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2014, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/41 "2014-02-09T03:57:17Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > No, it means **everything**. Your boyfriend is a father, and will be for the rest of his life. He will also be in the eyes of the law **financially responsible** for this child for the next 17 or so years, possibly longer if college tuition is involved. He will have to have at least some form of contact with the boy’s mother for those long years, making custody arrangements, pickup and dropoff, discussions about the boy’s welfare like where to go to school and what afterschool activities are OK versus too much and how he’s doing with his homework, and what his health is like, and so on. > > And if you have a child with him, he’s going to have to split his parenting attention, and his money, because that previous child does not become any less his responsibility if you two have one or more kids together. Don’t forget that a serious relationship with this guy also means that **harmony** will be step-mother, as well. That’s a lot of responsibility for an 18 year old. ---
**Author:** ![Pabitel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/42 "2014-02-10T17:17:19Z")
[Stranger anxiety](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stranger_anxiety) is a normal developmental phase little ones go through. If you are new to them it will take several visits for you to stop being a “stranger”. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/43 "2014-02-10T18:37:25Z")
I would highly suspect the child’s mother is responsible for them not liking you. Having your kid spend time with your ex’s new mate often invokes great jealousy and concern. But if that is not the case, the child will get used to you over time. Just give it time. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/44 "2014-02-10T18:52:39Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > No, it means **everything**. Your boyfriend is a father, and will be for the rest of his life. He will also be in the eyes of the law **financially responsible** for this child for the next 17 or so years, possibly longer if college tuition is involved. He will have to have at least some form of contact with the boy’s mother for those long years, making custody arrangements, pickup and dropoff, discussions about the boy’s welfare like where to go to school and what afterschool activities are OK versus too much and how he’s doing with his homework, and what his health is like, and so on. > > And if you have a child with him, he’s going to have to split his parenting attention, and his money, because that previous child does not become any less his responsibility if you two have one or more kids together. And what about your college tuition? Are you paying for that or are your parents? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/45 "2014-02-10T18:56:47Z")
Does the kid spend any time with his/her father _without_ you being there? If not, it’s very important that they do this, either by going on outings together or by having you get out of the house for a while when they’re home. That said, kids do go through phases, so hang in there. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/46 "2014-02-10T20:01:09Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > I would highly suspect the child’s mother is responsible for them not liking you. Having your kid spend time with your ex’s new mate often invokes great jealousy and concern. > > But if that is not the case, the child will get used to you over time. Just give it time. The kid’s not even two yet, what’s she gonna say, “This woman is a witch, she’s gonna eat you?” ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/47 "2014-02-10T20:06:41Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > The kid’s not even two yet, what’s she gonna say, “This woman is a witch, she’s gonna eat you?” Two year olds understand a lot and can get very scared. If someone told a two year old that a person is mean and scary and will hurt them etc, over and over, absolutely the kid would be scared. Do I think that’s what is happening? No- I think it’s just normal for a child that age to be afraid of people not routinely in their life. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2014, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/48 "2014-02-10T20:20:52Z")
The kid is 17 months old, and that is the _prime_ age for developing ‘stranger fear’. In other words, kids that age go a bit mental, hiding their faces and even crying when somebody other than mum or dad (or other very close rellies) dare to smile at them or say ‘Hello’ or whatever. It’s a normal part of the developmental process, and they **do** get over it. I had a kid that took this process to extreme degrees. He would throw himself down on the ground and howl piteously if anybody approached him…and that **included** his grandma, grandpa and aunties and uncles. If somebody knocked at the door, we’d have to take him to his bedroom before he went ballistic. Going out shopping was a major fucking ordeal. The stage lasted about 6-7 months…and he’s lucky I didn’t opt for a retroactive abortion, I tell ya! And yeah, you’re 18. I don’t care that you think this bloke is the best thing since sliced bread, do you really want all the responsibilities of motherhood at your age? Especially a kid that’s not your own? Having said all that, good luck hon. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/49 "2014-02-11T01:39:20Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Two year olds understand a lot and can get very scared. If someone told a two year old that a person is mean and scary and will hurt them etc, over and over, absolutely the kid would be scared. > > Do I think that’s what is happening? No- I think it’s just normal for a child that age to be afraid of people not routinely in their life. Pretty much close to what I said. (“That’s a mean lady who will hurt you”.) But I would think if the kid is so young, it would also be easier to win he or she over. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/50 "2014-02-11T04:18:36Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Two year olds understand a lot and can get very scared. If someone told a two year old that a person is mean and scary and will hurt them etc, over and over, absolutely the kid would be scared. He’s not two, though, he’s not even one and a half yet. Can a kid that young even understand who you’re talking about if that person isn’t there, isn’t Mommy or Daddy, and isn’t being pointed out in a picture? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/51 "2014-02-11T08:36:50Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > He’s not two, though, he’s not even one and a half yet. Can a kid that young even understand who you’re talking about if that person isn’t there, isn’t Mommy or Daddy, and isn’t being pointed out in a picture? Depends on the kid. Object permanence develops somewhere before 2. But what’s far more likely than the mom intentionally poisoning the well is that the child is reading the body language of the mother when he’s dropped off at the father’s house, or the father comes to pick him up or however that’s happening, and he’s associating the anger he can sense with the girlfriend’s presence, rightly or wrongly. Children can sense when parents don’t trust doctors and nurses; they will cry more and present more fearful behaviors, even as infants. Rule one of doing an assessment on a toddler is to ignore the kid completely and focus on building a rapport with Mom. Once you’ve got her relaxed and open, then you carefully turn your attention to the little one. If you’re cool with Mom, usually you’re cool with the kiddo. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 11:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/52 "2014-02-11T11:51:08Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > He’s not two, though, he’s not even one and a half yet. Can a kid that young even understand who you’re talking about if that person isn’t there, isn’t Mommy or Daddy, and isn’t being pointed out in a picture? Sorry- I misunderstood the comment “not yet two”. No, it’s unlikely at such a young age that the well is being poisoned directly like that. In my original comment, even thinking it was an almost 2 year old, I thought it was unlikely, too. It’s probably just normal behavior that the OP is interpreting as specific to her. Kids go through these phases and it’s normal. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2014, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760/53 "2014-02-11T16:46:54Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Sorry- I misunderstood the comment “not yet two”. > > No, it’s unlikely at such a young age that the well is being poisoned directly like that. In my original comment, even thinking it was an almost 2 year old, I thought it was unlikely, too. > > It’s probably just normal behavior that the OP is interpreting as specific to her. Kids go through these phases and it’s normal. I disagree. All Mommy has to do is say the person’s name in a disgusted or angry tone of voice. Children are highly attuned to their parent’s relationships with others. If Mommy mentions you and cries, or rails, or even just gets super quiet and moody the child will pick up on it. And they are tuned in to the subtlest clues from a primary caregiver, so Mommy might be doing her level best to control it in front of the child, but if she feels angry, or betrayed, or frightened by someone, child will know it. I always cringe and stop them when my friends talk about their spousal problems in front of a toddler. just because they don’t understand the words, does not mean no damage is being done. And many do understand far more than we realize. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/boyfriend-with-baby/680760.md?page=2)