# Break up etiquette in the age of Facebook. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 12, 2010, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886 "2010-06-12T04:44:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/81 "2010-06-17T00:03:06Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > No. Just you. Not now dear, the grown-ups are having a conversation. ---
**Author:** ![SleepyDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a183cd/32.png) [@SleepyDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SleepyDuck)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/82 "2010-06-17T01:17:34Z")
See, this is exactly why you don’t delete _all_ of those “candid” photos even though you promised her you would. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/83 "2010-06-17T01:27:34Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Not now dear, the grown-ups are having a conversation. You consider everyone shitting on you a conversation? Great. Have fun! ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/84 "2010-06-17T01:36:53Z")
Well, TRUELY proper etiquette would dictate that the OP would return to the thread and give us a little more information. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/85 "2010-06-17T02:09:33Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > This mindset just floors me. That a now ex doesnt deserve even the slightest consideration. I didn’t say they deserve no consideration, just not this particular one (the profile picture). I take great pains not to cause unnecessary grief to an ex, but at some point you have to live your own life. For whatever reason, this is one place where we draw the line differently. I don’t think we’re very far off on the subject in general, just a few specifics. ---
**Author:** ![palacheck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e57/32.png) [@palacheck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palacheck)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/86 "2010-06-17T05:04:40Z")
> [@lezlers](#): > > Not now dear, the grown-ups are having a conversation. Hey now, listen to what he has to say. From what I’ve read he knows a thing or two about getting a face full of dog shit from an ex. Speaking of dog shit though, **Shot From Guns** hasn’t convinced me of this whole disregarding other people’s feelings approach to human interaction. I side with **lezlers**. This issue is now resolved THANK GOD. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/87 "2010-06-17T14:23:10Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Etiquette, while of course subjective, _is_ about courtesy. Of course it is. Apparently you’re just too retarded to read what I’m saying. (See that? That’s an example of something that’s \*\*not \*\*courteous. Since apparently you have a hard time telling the difference.) Go back and read it again–I’m saying that _even common courtesy doesn’t conflict with posting a photo of you and your boyfriend as your FB profile photo_–not that common courtesy should have no bearing on our behavior. > [@](#): > > If you don’t think it’s a good idea to act with tact or courtesy, then that’s fine, but you shouldn’t really be commenting in a thread on etiquette. Again, of course I do, you fucking idiot. (FWIW, I own and have read, with much delight, _Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior_, cover-to-cover.) The difference is that you think that “courtesy” involves this woman/dumper censoring every aspect of her life that may in any way cause the man/dumpee to think that she’s not spending some span of time (a week? a month? a year? a decade?) in mourning for their prior relationship, whereas I think that “courtesy” involves this man/dumpee understanding that once the relationship is over, his ex-gf is now free to hook up with new people and advertise that fact _to her friends_. Again, I ask all of you, WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE? Exactly how far should someone be required to CENSOR THEIR LIFE for the benefit of an ex? Should she not upload or tag any pictures of the two of them at all, because old boy might come across them or have a friend see them and mention it? Should she not go on dates with the new boy to any of the same places she went with the old boy, because they might run into old boy? Should they not go out at all, just in case they run into him? Should new boy not ever come over to her house, in case new boy drops by to return some item of hers he forgot he had? This is a serious question, so stop blowing it off. They’re all varying degrees of the attitude you’re displaying as “polite,” so I want to know how far you think it should go. > [@](#): > > And seeing your ex’s profile pic happens quite a bit Not unless you haven’t blocked them. If you are bothered by the idea of your ex dating someone new–and not all fresh-out-of-a-relationship people will be–it’s \*your \*job to do what you can to avoid learning that information. > [@billfish678](#): > > That a now ex doesnt deserve even the slightest consideration. Of course they do. How’s that excluded middle working for you? ( **palacheck** , you can consider this a reply to you, as well.) If Getting It Full-Time From Former Side-Guy had \*\*ACTUALLY CONTACTED \*\*the OP about something frivolous to make sure he saw the new photo, or if she’d \*sent \*him the photo, or if she’d \*mentioned \*the new boyfriend to him, then I’d agree wholeheartedly: yes, that would be tactless (and probably downright rude). \*Simply uploading a photo that your ex \*\*WILL ONLY SEE IF HE WISHES TO DO SO \*\*\*is just getting on with your life. Being someone’s ex doesn’t give you the right to insist that they at least \*pretend \*to be celibate out of morning for the relationship. > [@lezlers](#): > > Yes, everyone that does not share your exact opinion is an idiot. No, there are plenty of people here who disagree with me who I don’t think are idiots. You just happen to be one of the particularly moronic ones. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/88 "2010-06-17T15:00:21Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Again, I ask all of you, WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE? I thought it was clear that we draw the line at a profile picture on Facebook. At least, that’s what this thread is about. No one’s suggested she even censor her picture albums, much less any of these other slippery slopes you’re trying to take us down. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/89 "2010-06-17T15:02:51Z")
Can we pinpoint exactly how long she’s supposed to not change her profile picture? Because “until he feels okay about it” seems vague. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/90 "2010-06-17T15:23:11Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Can we pinpoint exactly how long she’s supposed to not change her profile picture? Because “until he feels okay about it” seems vague. As I said in my post, _if_ we take “immediately” at face value, like, within a week or so, that’s kinda rude. If, however, the OP is indulging in histrionics then all bets are off. **Shot From Guns** , are you feeling OK? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/91 "2010-06-17T15:33:36Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > Can we pinpoint exactly how long she’s supposed to not change her profile picture? Because “until he feels okay about it” seems vague. True. Like I said, in the Facebook Etiquette Book of WhyNot, profile pics would never be couple pics, so it’s a moot point. But since the darn world insists on playing by its own rules and not listening to my unwritten rulebooks, I’d suggest that somewhere between a week and a month for each year of the ex-relationship would not be an undue burden. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/92 "2010-06-17T15:41:39Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > Shot From Guns, are you feeling OK? Don’t worry, **Shot From Guns** always posts…emphatically when she gets excited. _“Nobody but a fucking retard like you would even consider that to be remotely plausible!”_ is **ShotFromGun** speak for “Actually, I think I disagree with you about that.” 😉 Just carry on as though nothing had happened. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/93 "2010-06-17T15:43:56Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > **Shot From Guns** , are you feeling OK? No, my guts have been bothering me all morning, my boyfriend’s flight still doesn’t get in for another nine hours or so, and I’m really horny. But thanks for asking! > [@WhyNot](#): > > But since the darn world insists on playing by its own rules and not listening to my unwritten rulebooks, I’d suggest that somewhere between a week and a month for each year of the ex-relationship would not be an undue burden. Why? None of you have an answer for \*why \*someone should censor their life to avoid an ex \*deliberately seeking this information \*(IMO, not blocking when you have that capability counts) from finding it out. Other than, well, “'cause I said so.” The ex-gf is changing this picture _on her own personal page_. It’s something that the ex-bf has no reason to look at unless he wants to. IMO, when you choose to do something that you know might hurt you, that makes it your own damned fault and not anyone else’s. Am I rude if I keep a bottle of very spicy hotsauce in my apartment, just because you might grab it and dump it all over your food? ETA: **Kimstu** : \<3 😃 ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/94 "2010-06-17T15:53:44Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > Why? None of you have an answer for \*why \*someone should censor their life to avoid an ex \*deliberately seeking this information \*(IMO, not blocking when you have that capability counts) from finding it out. Other than, well, “'cause I said so.” The ex-gf is changing this picture _on her own personal page_. Because, again, it’s \*not \*just on her own personal page. It’s on her Friends pages, pages of rock stars and social events she posts on, etc. _shrug_ I don’t feel nearly as strongly about this as you appear to. It would just seem to be nice to consider the ex’s feelings, up to a point which I’ve now articulated. (Profile pic for a few weeks post break up.) > [@](#): > > Am I rude if I keep a bottle of very spicy hotsauce in my apartment, just because you might grab it and dump it all over your food? No. But if you dump your hot sauce in the buffet and you know that would hurt me, yes it’s rude. Hope you feel better soon. Maybe lay off the hot sauce until your gut feels better. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/95 "2010-06-17T15:57:58Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > IMO, not blocking when you have that capability counts This is where we differ. Whereas my advice is that the dumpee block the ex, everything I’ve been saying is the dumper assuming the ex hasn’t blocked. Because not everyone’s clever with Facebook. Some people don’t even know blocking exists. I don’t feel that it would be “seeking out” the ex by not doing so. I think as a dumper it would be a courtesy to wait a while before incorporating the new lover into the profile picture\*. But you did say the ex is under no obligation nor “basic courtesy” to “censor” his/her life. I disagree: I think a little delicacy, for a little while, would be kind. Unless they gave you herpes. Thanks **Kimtsu** for explaining the surprising tone of **Shot From Buns** ’s reply. \*I find this habit a bit nauseating even if there isn’t a dumpee involved. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/96 "2010-06-17T15:59:03Z")
Hmf. I explained **Guns** first. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/97 "2010-06-17T16:01:00Z")
> [@Shot From Guns](#): > > Am I rude if I keep a bottle of very spicy hotsauce in my apartment, just because you might grab it and dump it all over your food? Mmm, I think the analogy is more like “If we work at the same company, am I rude if I keep a bottle of very spicy hotsauce that you’re extremely allergic to in the company kitchenette cupboard where you might accidentally touch the bottle and get an allergic reaction?” It’s certainly not **rude** and you’re certainly within your rights to do so. And if you don’t even happen to know that I’m allergic to your hotsauce or that I occasionally rummage around in the kitchenette cupboard, I don’t see how I could rationally expect you to do otherwise. But if you **did** know that, I’d be impressed with your thoughtfulness if you made a bit of an extra effort to keep your hotsauce bottle out of my accidental reach. I’m all in favor of the position that people with extreme sensitivities, whether chemical or emotional, are ultimately responsible for being aware of their own vulnerability and protecting themselves from exposure to stuff that hurts them. However, I do think it’s more **considerate** of other people who know about the sensitivities to go a little bit out of their way to help reduce the risk of exposure. \<3 u2. 😉 > [@Bosstone](#): > > Hmf. I explained Guns first. Always bears repeating, though! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/98 "2010-06-17T16:03:44Z")
The only problem with that analogy is that coworkers have an existing relationship. Exes don’t, usually. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/99 "2010-06-17T16:13:31Z")
> [@Bosstone](#): > > Hmf. I explained **Guns** first. Sorry. I also note I said **Buns** not **Guns**. I hope that doesn’t cause further offense, and makes her come at me all buns blazing. ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886/100 "2010-06-17T16:29:05Z")
Further articulation on the point I was making about other scenarios: It doesn’t count as a “slippery slope” argument because I’m not saying a leads to b leads to c. I’m trying to find out \*where \*on this chain of continuity you stop, and _why_. If you only apply this life-censorship to the FB photo and not, say, frequenting the same bars and restaurants as she did with the old boyfriend, what’s the distinction, to you? I think this is particularly bothering me because of why I see the whole thing is offensive: it’s an insult to the OP’s manly manhood. “His” woman is giving the kind of attention to another man that was, until recently, reserved (at least theoretically) for him. The only reason that he should be offended by the idea of his ex-gf dating someone else is if he feels he still has some kind of claim over her. Which he does not. Now, it’s natural to be hurt when someone you’d still be involved with, had you your druthers, chooses someone else. But it’s neither mature nor polite to expect that person to cater to your desire to see them remain forever devoted to you even after the relationship has ended. If you can’t handle knowing when they’ve hooked up with someone else, it behooves \*you \*to take whatever means necessary to avoid finding that out. > [@WhyNot](#): > > Because, again, it’s \*not \*just on her own personal page. It’s on her Friends pages, pages of rock stars and social events she posts on, etc. None of which he has to see if he doesn’t want to. And “I didn’t know I could do that” isn’t an excuse. The capability is there, and it’s his responsibility to learn how to make use of it. If I shoot myself in the foot with a gun because I don’t know how to use a safety, that’s no one’s fault but my own. > [@](#): > > No. But if you dump your hot sauce in the buffet and you know that would hurt me, yes it’s rude. It’s not a “buffet.” It’s _her personal page_. If she immediately married the new guy, would you insist that she not wear the wedding ring for a while? After all, while it’s her finger, everyone out in public can see it. > [@](#): > > Maybe lay off the hot sauce until your gut feels better. No hot sauce involved, unfortunately. ☹ Just the terrible digestitive system that seems to run in the family (thanks, Mom). > [@Kimstu](#): > > Mmm, I think the analogy is more like “If we work at the same company, am I rude if I keep a bottle of very spicy hotsauce that you’re extremely allergic to in the company kitchenette cupboard where you might accidentally touch the bottle and get an allergic reaction?” Her profile picture is not a communal cupboard. It is part of _her profile_. ETA: Your analogy would be something like uploading the new-couple photo to a shared directory that she knows ex-bf uses. > [@Bosstone](#): > > The only problem with that analogy is that coworkers have an existing relationship. Exes don’t, usually. Exactly. Once you’ve broken up with someone, you have a responsibility to them that somewhat approximates what you’d have to a stranger. Obviously, it’s not 100% parallel, but it’s not nearly the same relationship you’d have with someone you’re friends with, or even acquaintances. > [@jjimm](#): > > I also note I said **Buns** not **Guns**. I hope that doesn’t cause further offense, and makes her come at me all buns blazing. My buns do not blaze. They radiate a gentle warmth and invite the hand to touch. You may not, however, touch, unless you’d like to lose said hand at the wrist or provide me with a sizeable sum of cashy monies first. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/break-up-etiquette-in-the-age-of-facebook/542886.md?page=6)