# Brilliant reviews for crappy movies. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 24, 2005, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403 "2005-08-24T11:11:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FlightlessBird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/cdc98d/32.png) [@FlightlessBird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlightlessBird)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/21 "2005-08-24T18:05:36Z")
The best reviewer of this type is [Mr Cranky](http://www.mrcranky.com/thisweek.html) (scroll to the bottom to see his rating scale and you’ll begin to understand where he’s coming from) He’ll find something negative to say about any movie, like **March of the Penguins** : "I hate penguins. I just fucking hate them. " Or even a movie he rates very highly **Murderball** : "Its main goal to prove that, like normal people, quadriplegics can be assholes too. " The best is to go into the archives and look at some classics that he rates very highly, like **The Silence of the Lambs** : “What cop in his right mind actually steps inside Lecter’s cage? Idiots. Come feeding time, I stand about fifty feet from his cage and spray baby food to him with a fire hose. The hell if he’s cutting _my_ face off.” ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/22 "2005-08-24T18:53:41Z")
Two other famous bad reviews: Leonard Maltin on _Transylvania 6-5000_: (singing in time to _Pennsylvania 6-5000_) “Transylvania 6-5000 stinks!” And of course, the immortal review of _I Am A Camera_: “Me no Leica” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/23 "2005-08-24T18:56:26Z")
Pauline Kael could occasionally rip a good 'un: "I have written in the past about the potential television has for supplanting the movies one day. “Fun With Dick and Jane” makes it seems like a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/24 "2005-08-24T19:03:09Z")
There was (is?) a poster called JarbabyJ. She had a thread call the Ann Rants and she had several zingers for that author. The one that stuck in my mind was You’re books are great for hollowing out to hide stuff in. ---
**Author:** ![Loopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loopus/32/15343_2.png) [@Loopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loopus)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/25 "2005-08-24T19:13:36Z")
[James Berardinelli](http://www.reelviews.net/) doesn’t review many bad movies anymore, but often gets very creative with his reviews when he does. Most recently, there’s his review of [The Dukes of Hazzard](http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/d/dukes_hazzard.html), which is styled as a dialogue between WB execs deciding to greenlight the project. Another good one is his review of [Major League: Back to the Minors](http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/m/major3.html) which is styled as an interview with Berardinelli in the broadcast booth of a baseball game in which director/screenwriter John Warren is up to bat. It’s similar to his review of [Angels in the Outfield](http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/a/angels_out.html), except in this review the actual movie is up to bat. It’s less clever than the _Major League_ one though. ---
**Author:** ![Waenara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@Waenara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waenara)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/26 "2005-08-24T19:41:23Z")
> [@Loopus](#): > > [James Berardinelli](http://www.reelviews.net/) doesn’t review many bad movies anymore, but often gets very creative with his reviews when he does. Most recently, there’s his review of [The Dukes of Hazzard](http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/movies/d/dukes_hazzard.html), which is styled as a dialogue between WB execs deciding to greenlight the project. That reminds me of the [FlickFilosopher](http://www.flickfilosopher.com/)’s take on [Tomb Raider](http://www.flickfilosopher.com/flickfilos/archive/012q/tombraider.shtml). It’s styled as if the experience of going to watch that movie were a text-based computer game, complete with some torturing of the execs who green-lighted the movie. > [@](#): > > You are standing in the lobby of a movie theater. The smell of popcorn and Jujubes is in the air. To the south is the box office. To the east is the concession stand. To the west are the restrooms. To the north is the auditorium. > > A studio executive is here. > > A lunch is here. > > \> take lunch > > Taken. > > \> examine lunch > > It appears to be a bologna sandwich, an apple, and a bottle of Yoo-Hoo. > > \> inventory > > You are carrying: a ticket stub, a lunch, and a Glock semiautomatic pistol. > [@](#): > > You stand near the concession stand. On the counter you see napkins, straws, a salt shaker, and toothpicks. To the southwest is the box office. To the west is the lobby. To the northwest is the auditorium. > > \> take toothpicks > > Taken. > > \> go northwest > > You are standing in the rear of the auditorium. It is dark. Tomb Raider is playing on the screen. To the south is the exit to the lobby. > > To the east is an executive, tied to a seat. > > The executive cowers in the seat, eyes closed. > > \> use toothpicks > > Use toothpicks how? > > \> use toothpicks to prop the bastard’s eyes open… _\_ ---
**Author:** ![N9IWP](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/n9iwp/32/3154_2.png) [@N9IWP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/N9IWP)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/27 "2005-08-24T19:46:08Z")
When Leonard Maltin actually reviewed movies on ET, he had a 1-10 scale. Tho one movie he rated a zero. for another he started playing the clip from the movie. he got up, waved his hands dismissively at the screen, and left. Brian ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/28 "2005-08-24T20:05:45Z")
Slightly off-topic, one of my favorite Dorothy Parker-sims: “_The House Beautiful_ is the play lousy.” ---
**Author:** ![Shoeless](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shoeless/32/7099_2.png) [@Shoeless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shoeless)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/29 "2005-08-24T21:50:33Z")
This thread makes me realize how much I miss Tom Shales on Friday mornings on NPR. I didn’t listen to his reviews so much to see if he liked a movie or not, because Tom hated everything, but for the colorful way he would tear it apart. I really wish I could remember which movie he reviewed when he said it was like a Road Runner cartoon written by the Bronte sisters. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/30 "2005-08-24T21:59:42Z")
For some reason, this Ebert review made me crack up. > [@Roger Ebert](#): > > “Freddy Got Fingered” > > This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels. ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [August 24, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/31 "2005-08-24T22:05:22Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > For some reason, this Ebert review made me crack up. > **…This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.** And yet, he did it right there. (Mention them both in the same sentence.) I know, I’m being nitpicky - and I love it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tracy\_Lord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@Tracy\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tracy_Lord)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/32 "2005-08-25T00:17:43Z")
Portland’s trendy weekly, the _Willamette Week_, as a great film review crew that rip into whatever’s new and terrible each week. Case in point, their review of the _Dukes of Hazzard_ movie (typed up from my hard copy, I can’t find it on their website): > [@Willamette Week](#): > > The Dukes of Hazzard movie epitomizes the whole repackaging of redneck culture, and as much of a travesty as my car may be, the movie is 10 times worse. It’s not like there was a lot to live up to. The original series was dumb and corny, the plots were absurd, and the stunts – well, OK, the stunts were cool. But far from being an entertaining parody, this is one of the worst movies ever made. Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar (of Club Dread) and clearly written by sheep, it has maybe two funny parts, and one of them involves an armadillo (which is cheating; armadillos are automatically funny). The film waffles between taking itself seriously (!) and playing up the lamest redneck clichés; people say “dadgummit,” pitchforks are thrown, teeth are scarce. The Duke boys are moronic drooling pussyhounds astounded by the concept of college. > > And then there’s the acting. Jessica Simpson’s bikini displays more range than any of the humans involved. Seann William Scott as Bo is a PSA for fetal-alcohol syndrome. Burt Reynolds looks tired as a classed-up, trimmed-down Boss Hogg, and Rosco P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey), the comic highlight of the TV series, is reduced to a humorless uniform. Willie Nelson, who should be banned from film, is cringe-inducing as the moonshinin’, dope-smokin’, bad-joke-tellin’ Uncle Jesse. The outtakes trounce anything in the actual film. I recommend arriving late, ideally just in time for the end credits. The _Willamette Week_ was also the home of one of my all-time favorite bad movie review of all time, bar none, in an article formatted as follows: Headline: **_Ice Princess_ is brilliant!** Byline: Oh, wait, it’s the same old Disney shit. ---
**Author:** ![Indyellen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/indyellen/32/4176_2.png) [@Indyellen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indyellen)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/33 "2005-08-25T00:50:26Z")
The one I remember most was by the reviewer for our local free weekly paper, [Nuvo](http://www.nuvo.net/). He gave **Battlefield Earth** ZERO stars, which was explained in the full [review](http://www.nuvo.net/film/moviecapsulesa.html?&alpha=1). (You’ll have to scroll down, it’s alphabetical.) However, my favorite line is, “As Psychlo security chief Terl, Travolta gives a performance that would make William Shatner wince. Decked out like the bastard son of a Klingon and Gene Simmons, he is the king of camp, hissing, snarling and overenunciating nonstop.” Brilliant! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/34 "2005-08-25T01:00:27Z")
I still remember Gene Shalit’s review of _Barry Lyndon_: “A feast for the eye and ear–a famine for the mind.” ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/35 "2005-08-25T01:04:24Z")
Mike Nelson of MST3K wrote a book called [Movie Megacheese](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0380814676/qid=1124932203/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-9289671-3811327?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) that’s filled with tasty zingers. Here are a few: The visual effect of Draco in “Dragonheart” was achieved using the same technology as that used for “Jurassic Park,” wherein hundreds of supercomputers and thousands of man-hours are used to make the visual effects look every bit as realistic as 1920s bendable clay puppet technology. Seeing [Marlon Brando’s] buttery, corpulent mass oozing around in bed with the 30 percent postconsumer plastic recycled body of Faye Dunaway was as horrible a thing as any man could be asked to endure. According to “The Postman’s” recommendations, if you liked “The Postman,” you’ll also like “Demolition Man” and “Sphere.” I don’t doubt it. However, if you liked “The Postman,” you might also enjoy a nine-hour flight to Fargo, North Dakota, with a small child kicking your seat the entire way. “The Mirror Has Two Faces” is a fascinating glimpse into the febrile mind of a megalomaniacal lunatic – and it has a peppy theme song! ---
**Author:** ![Hunter\_Hawk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/50afbb/32.png) [@Hunter\_Hawk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hunter_Hawk)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/36 "2005-08-25T01:53:44Z")
I’ve always been fond of the NYT review of _Battlefield Earth_. > [@](#): > > ‘‘Man is an endangered species,’’ announces one of the titles at the beginning of the sci-fi lump ‘‘Battlefield Earth.’’ And after about 20 minutes of this amateurish picture, extinction doesn’t seem like such a bad idea. Sitting through it is like watching the most expensively mounted high school play of all time. The film is stocked with evil aliens who, in their padded body stockings, plastic armorlike fittings and matted hair extensions, resemble nothing so much as members of GWAR, the metal-rock parodists that Beavis and Butt-head loved. It may be a bit early to make such judgments, but ‘‘Battlefield Earth’’ may well turn out to be the worst movie of this century… > > None of the aliens – who apparently are evil just because it feels good – get around to chortling: ‘‘Puny Earthlings! No one can save you now!’’ But Mr. Travolta does the next best thing. He throws back his head and delivers a stage laugh that would embarrass the villain from the shoddiest Republic Pictures serial… > > ‘‘Battlefield Earth,’’ directed by Roger Christian (’‘Nostradamus,’’ ‘‘Masterminds’’), is beyond conventional criticism. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/37 "2005-08-25T14:45:29Z")
_Martin Guerre_ is hell. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/38 "2005-08-25T18:33:05Z")
One of my favorites was Roger Ebert’s review of **Mad Dog Time**. The quote isn’t exact, but it was something like, “ **Mad Dog Time** does not improve upon a blank screen viewed for an equal amount of time. It should be cut up to provide free ukulele picks for the poor.” ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/39 "2005-08-25T18:47:02Z")
I’m reading [agonybooth.com](http://agonybooth.com) right now, and laughing till my sides hurt. Right now, I’m on ‘Overdrawn at the Memory Bank’. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2005, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403/40 "2005-08-25T19:02:46Z")
My personal favorite pan of a flick was from Roger Ebert’s review of [Alien Resurrection](http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19971126/REVIEWS/711260301/1023): “…The interstellar human government hopes to breed more aliens, and use them for–oh, developing vaccines, medicines, a gene pool, stuff like that…” and “…These aliens have a lot of stuff in their mouths; not only the tongue and their famous teeth, but another little head on a stalk, with smaller teeth. Still to be determined is whether the littler head has a still tinier head inside of it, and so on. Like the bugs in “Starship Troopers,” these aliens are an example of specialization. They have evolved over the eons into creatures adapted for one purpose only: To star in horror movies…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/brilliant-reviews-for-crappy-movies/318403.md?page=3)