# Buffy vs. Tarzan **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 23, 2010, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726 "2010-09-23T02:30:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/21 "2010-09-23T15:28:17Z")
I voted Tarzan, but with the understanding that I mean BOOK Tarzan, not MOVIE Tarzan. Book Tarzan is super-powered. I concede that Buffy has an initial advantage – not in strength, but because her size and gender will make Lord Greystoke both underestimate her and hesitate to hit her in the first place. But I also think that the fight only starts when Buffy mouths off to Jane, Lady G. puts her in her place, and Buffy demonstrates her poor impulse control by hitting her. That’s pretty much suicide. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/22 "2010-09-23T15:29:25Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Buffy will be sweating, moaning, and otherwise expressing ecstasy, cuz Tarzan gonna tap that ass. Tarzan will not cheat on Jane, Oak. That’s a big part of what “Tarzan” means. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/23 "2010-09-23T15:34:25Z")
I’m assuming that Tarzan wouldn’t even try to take on the superhumanly strong Buffy mano a mano and would call in the elephants. Has Buffy ever taken out anything as powerful as an elephant? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/24 "2010-09-23T15:34:34Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > But I also think that the fight only starts when Buffy mouths off to Jane, Lady G. puts her in her place, and Buffy demonstrates her poor impulse control by hitting her. Did Buffy EVER punch a civilian (other than under the influence of magical thingummy)? Note: I watched the show straight through to its finale at the end of Season 5; anything beyond that is mere rumor. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/25 "2010-09-23T15:36:01Z")
> [@Tengu](#): > > Buffy’s superpowered. > > Tarzan’s just buff. > > There’s no contest. > > (And they wouldn’t make out. Tarzan’s breathing, and Buffy only experimented with that once. \>\_\>) Thrice. Parker, her one-night-stand as a freshman, and Satsu, her lesbian experimentation/exploitation. ---
**Author:** ![filling\_pages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9bd4f/32.png) [@filling\_pages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filling_pages)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/26 "2010-09-23T15:38:30Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I voted Tarzan, but with the understanding that I mean BOOK Tarzan, not MOVIE Tarzan. Book Tarzan is super-powered. Seriously. I’m pretty sure at one point in the first book he breaks a massive tiger’s\* neck with his bare hands. No, it could have been a massive ape - the tiger could have involved a knife. Anyway, also, he can take a serious beating and still win the fight, crawl off, lick his wounds for a week or two, and come back stronger. Book Tarzan all the way. \*Let’s not talk about what a Tiger is doing in the African jungle to start with. ---
**Author:** ![Omi\_no\_Kami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Omi\_no\_Kami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omi_no_Kami)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/27 "2010-09-23T15:39:02Z")
I don’t recall Buffy ever punching a civilian either, and I don’t think she has poor impulse control: I think a lot of her impatience comes from a mixture of cockiness and frustration- she deals with a _lot_ of evil stuff, and low-level evil in the Buffyverse is implied to be pretty long-winded and self-obsessed. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/28 "2010-09-23T15:41:53Z")
> [@filling\_pages](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I voted Tarzan, but with the understanding that I mean BOOK Tarzan, not MOVIE Tarzan. Book Tarzan is super-powered. > > Seriously. I’m pretty sure at one point in the first book he breaks a massive tiger’s\* neck with his bare hands. No, it could have been a massive ape - the tiger could have involved a knife. Anyway, also, he can take a serious beating and still win the fight, crawl off, lick his wounds for a week or two, and come back stronger. Book Tarzan all the way. > \*Let’s not talk about what a Tiger is doing in the African jungle to start with. Already fanwanked. When Burroughs fictionalized Lord Greystoke’s life, he deliberately and systematically inserted factuall inaccuracies to make the stories seem entirely made up. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/29 "2010-09-23T16:14:12Z")
_Buffy_ vs Tarzan? It goes to Tarzan. _Faith_ vs Tarzan? Faith kicks his smelly butt from Timbuktu to Zanzibar. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/30 "2010-09-23T16:50:46Z")
> [@silenus](#): > > _Buffy_ vs Tarzan? It goes to Tarzan. _Faith_ vs Tarzan? Faith kicks his smelly butt from Timbuktu to Zanzibar. Please. Faith couldn’t even take Angel. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/31 "2010-09-23T16:58:57Z")
That was when she wanted to lose. Now that she has most of her issues worked out, she’s jake. Greypansy is going _down_! ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/32 "2010-09-23T17:07:24Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Oakminster](#): > > > > Buffy will be sweating, moaning, and otherwise expressing ecstasy, cuz Tarzan gonna tap that ass. > > Tarzan will not cheat on Jane, Oak. That’s a big part of what “Tarzan” means. You may mean “Tarzan not cheat on Jane, Oak. That big part of what “Tarzan” mean.” Or, you may not. The other problem is that they are both good guys, so the inexorable laws of the universe would cause them to have a misunderstanding at first meeting, punch each other to a bloody draw, and then team up to beat the real bad guys. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/33 "2010-09-23T17:11:52Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > Tarzan will not cheat on Jane, Oak. That’s a big part of what “Tarzan” means. > > You may mean “Tarzan not cheat on Jane, Oak. That big part of what “Tarzan” mean.” Or, you may not. I am not talking about movie Tarzan. Book Tarzan is perfectly articulate, though frequently pithy. ---
**Author:** ![filling\_pages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9bd4f/32.png) [@filling\_pages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filling_pages)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/34 "2010-09-23T17:28:47Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I am not talking about movie Tarzan. Book Tarzan is perfectly articulate, though frequently pithy. Yep, and using a “a primer, some child’s readers, numerous picture books, and a great dictionary” he teaches himself what written language is and how to read and spell in English. I’m pretty sure he first learns to speak French, and then English later. You could draw some pretty strong parallels to Frankenstein’s monster, if you wanted to. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/35 "2010-09-23T17:38:24Z")
> [@filling\_pages](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I am not talking about movie Tarzan. Book Tarzan is perfectly articulate, though frequently pithy. > > Yep, and using a “a primer, some child’s readers, numerous picture books, and a great dictionary” he teaches himself what written language is and how to read and spell in English. I’m pretty sure he first learns to speak French, and then English later. You could draw some pretty strong parallels to Frankenstein’s monster, if you wanted to. I feel obliged to point out that you’re talking about book-FM, not movie-FM. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/36 "2010-09-23T17:39:38Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > > > You may mean “Tarzan not cheat on Jane, Oak. That big part of what “Tarzan” mean.” Or, you may not. > > I am not talking about movie Tarzan. Book Tarzan is perfectly articulate, though frequently pithy. I’ll just jot that down as ‘not’, then, shall I? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/37 "2010-09-23T17:41:30Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > > [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > > I am not talking about movie Tarzan. Book Tarzan is perfectly articulate, though frequently pithy. > > I’ll just jot that down as ‘not’, then, shall I? That’s ONE. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/38 "2010-09-23T17:54:37Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > > [@filling\_pages](#): > > > > Yep, and using a “a primer, some child’s readers, numerous picture books, and a great dictionary” he teaches himself what written language is and how to read and spell in English. I’m pretty sure he first learns to speak French, and then English later. You could draw some pretty strong parallels to Frankenstein’s monster, if you wanted to. > > I feel obliged to point out that you’re talking about book-FM, not movie-FM. Tonto essentially agree, book Frankenstein speak articulate. Also beer bad. ---
**Author:** ![filling\_pages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b9bd4f/32.png) [@filling\_pages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filling_pages)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/39 "2010-09-23T18:27:45Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Tonto essentially agree, book Frankenstein speak articulate. > > Also beer bad. And now I feel like I need to post [this SNL video from days of yore](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ubem25WyN8), since we’ve mentioned all three. ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726/40 "2010-09-23T18:51:30Z")
> [@filling\_pages](#): > > Seriously. I’m pretty sure at one point in the first book he breaks a massive tiger’s\* neck with his bare hands. No, it could have been a massive ape - the tiger could have involved a knife. Anyway, also, he can take a serious beating and still win the fight, crawl off, lick his wounds for a week or two, and come back stronger. Book Tarzan all the way. > > \*Let’s not talk about what a Tiger is doing in the African jungle to start with. In the first book, as a boy he’s attacked by a gorilla and by sheer dumb luck manages to stab it in the heart with a buckknife before it can tear him to pieces. He still is pretty badly hurt and his ape mother spends weeks caring for him until he recovers. As an adult, he defeats the alpha male ape of his tribe by managing to get it in a chokehold from behind; I don’t remember if he breaks it’s neck or merely chokes it into unconciousness. I don’t remember which book it took place in, but I know at one point he did kill a lion, but again with a knife not his bare hands. Still pretty damn impressive though. In the second book, a Russian nobleman whom Tarzan’s offended tries to arrange his death: Tarzan’s lured to an apartment in one of the worst sections of Paris, where he’s cornered by a gang of a dozen or more hired thugs, armed and intent on beating him to death. Five minutes of screaming later, the thugs who are still mobile run for their lives. Now THAT’S impressive. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/buffy-vs-tarzan/554726.md?page=3)